I had a party for many friends.

One friend came with about 10 bottles of extremely expensive wines, must be over $1,000 worth. (Opus one!!!).

I appreciated his extraordinary generous gifts, but the entire evening turned into his wine tasting party.

What would you do?

dcarch

Improvise, overcome, adapt. Drink his wine and enjoy it.

On the other hand...

If you had planned an elaborate dinner party that would not work with his wines you would have the somewhat unpleasant task of informing him that his wines, a wonderful gift, would be consumed at your next dinner party - one that would be specifically tailored to pair with those wines. Then take the bottles and stow them in your wine cellar before he has a chance to complain.

It's delicate. I have a dear friend that can't stop herself from bringing food when invited for dinner etc. I've had to explain to her that that reason people get shirty with her is because is makes them feel as if she thinks they're not capable of cooking a meal for their friends. People have stopped inviting her.....its sad.

As for Mr Rude.....well you all know I'm Mrs grumpy so I'd tell him to his face....give him the chance to explain. If he feels that nothing's untoward about the way he behaved, then that's it. No more invitations.

I'd leave it go. If it was deliberate , he's a jerk. If it was because he truly doesn't know better then too late to teach him.

If your GF is important to you invite them again. I have to think if she is your Friend she knows darn well his behaviour was inappropriate. Leave it to her to correct, accept or dump!

For some strange reason this thread takes me back years to some of our "take your shoes off or not " threads. !!!! Now that got hot !!!

dcarch7 d c f l a s h 7 @ y a h o o . c o m wrote: One friend came with about 10 bottles of extremely expensive wines, must be over $1,000 worth. (Opus one!!!).

I appreciated his extraordinary generous gifts, but the entire evening turned into his wine tasting party.

What would you do?

dcarch --bringing wine to a party without being asked by host/ess means it is a gift to you . . . you are not obligated to serve it.

Islay Corbel I often bring a small stash of GF friendly things -- crackers, sweet or cupcake for my dessert. I find frequently at events they don't have a clear understanding of Celiac and cross contamination. I never mean to insult but often find that I get very little to eat if I do not bring anything to supplement. Plus, with the cross contamination issue there are few people I trust to cook for me. So, I end up with salad and steamed veggies a lot.

He sounds like John Belushi's character Bluto in ANIMAL HOUSE.

Y'all should be grateful he did not replicate the infamous cafeteria scene:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=74Kn1pNIlq8

This man sounds like an ex-fraternity boy, now alcoholic- the first taste of alcohol initiates drunken behavior, e.g, grabbing multiple bottles.

Perhaps this behavior made him the party-king in HS & college? It was rewarded with label "party-animal."

Experiment : Limit his invitations to dry-events only. See if he behaves in the same "manner."

Susan, bringing something for your special needs is not rude. It's a kindness to the hosts, in fact. When possible, however, your dietary requirements and plan to bring something you can eat should be communicated to the hostess before the party. She can tell you what she's planning to make and help you assess whether you might be able to eat it or not, and can provide you with nice dishes for your own food so you're not stuck being the Tupperware lady with the big pocketbook at the dinner party. I've had a few of those. They mean well, trying not to be a bother, but it would be far less bother to the group if they'd come to the kitchen and plate their foods how they like them--given proper notice any extra tableware needed can be ready--while the dinner is being plated for serving.

Communication is also key when dealing with a boor, altered or not. While I'm a big believer in least said soonest mended, as my mother would say, that's for embarrassing events that can't be fixed by further mention. Being too polite to confront someone who is ruining your party makes me think of something said often by one of the old advice columnists. No one can use you as a doormat unless you let them. And if someone seems off at a party where alcohol is flowing, invite him (or, really his hopefully sober GF in charge of him) firmly to leave and get medical help or a good night's sleep.

I'm sure it was extremely difficult to watch, and I'm sorry that happened, Susan. I would let it ride for now.

As an aside, as someone who has family members "on meds" for various mental health issues, my hope is that we have compassion, understanding and grace for these folks who battle everyday, change the dialogue associated with and the self-help perception surrounding mental health conditions. In many instances, people with mental health illness work to fight their disease as diligently as those with diabetes, heart disease, etc., yet, have an additional stigma to deal with. Off my soapbox.

I hope your next event doesn't have any of these issues.

CathyinSWPA

Pillog - YES try to do this and with main group of friends it is easier now: When possible, however, your dietary requirements and plan to bring something you can eat should be communicated to the hostess before the party. . . She can tell you what she's planning to make and help you assess whether you might be able to eat it or not, and can provide you with nice dishes for your own food . . . but it would be far less bother to the group if they'd come to the kitchen and plate their foods how they like them--given proper notice any extra tableware needed can be ready--while the dinner is being plated for serving. 100% Communication is also key when dealing with a boor, altered or not. . . .least said soonest mended, as my mother YOUR MOMMA IS WISE

I do want to say in the tasting parties: we use the very small shot glasses and while if full the amount drank would really add up we try (depending on who is pouring) to keep to 1/2 or 1/4 of the glass. That way we can see when swirled if the alcohol clings to the glass, if it has legs, observe the scent etc. Part of the reason for the slow controlled tasting is not to have it just a heavy drinking event. Attendees are to research: manufacturing method, appearance, taste notes, scent, basically what made it special. It is meant to be a learning but fun experience.

Avoid future double dipping & maintain portion control with individual servings & edible tasting spoons. Meet Mr Wonton Spoon & his sis Miss Bread Cup

Their cousin - Ms. Plastic Glass

It seems from Susan's comments the Mr. Jerk wasn't drunk, but 'off' (and yep, I know some people just don't show it.) At this point in time were it me, I'd not invite him back. If I knew his girlfriend well enough I'd call, and making it clear it was not her responsibility to rein him in, I'd let her know you enjoyed her company, but her BF was rude and inconsiderate and would not be invited again, so sorry. Invite her without him. She's better off without him IMO. Might give her food for thought. Now, if you were to learn from the GF that he had issues (medical or whatever) only that time, I'd give him a second chance at a smaller get-together.

plllog is correct, you don't want to let someone use you as a doormat, but it sounds like you did pretty much everything you could short of booting him out. I personally wouldn't do that unless someone were falling down drunk. Sounds like he was almost looking to create havoc on purpose.

dcarch, yours seems more complicated. What would I have done? The same as you. If someone brought 10 bottles of expensive wine to a party I was giving, I could not help but share with my guests. Either one of two situations I'm thinking: 1) He knew your parties were amazing (and I'm sure I'm correct in this assumption!) and wanted to share something to show his appreciation and gratitude - and it went a bit sideways or 2) He's competitive. Men and women alike can be. Perhaps he's envious of your skills, and therefore was intentionally trying to take your spotlight (not saying you wanted the spotlight) or try to show you up. Either way, I'd have done the same.

Make it a funny game?

Warn your next group of guests that anyone with piggish manners must wear a Hello my name is PORKY sign. Explain the etiquette rules to be fair. (Have a few extra Porky badges on hand)

Have a second offense "reward" in mind to be safe,

2many.....FYI: An alcoholic's brain chemistry is different. Their brain reacts to the first stimulus of alcohol, however minute it is. It is akin to a light switch. The impulse control filter is lowered.

DK Haas, I didn't say he was an 'alcoholic', I said 'wasn't drunk'. Big difference, though I know alcohols get drunk. Not all people who have gotten drunk are alcoholics.

Sadly, I've known a couple true alcoholics. One drank a bloody mary first thing in the morning, then just kept adding vodka all day. He was capable of walking and talking like anyone sober until evening - I don't know the chemistry but I assumed he'd either built a resistance to the effects or he hid it better then anyone else I knew. I would never have gotten in a car with him driving at any point in the day, no matter how he 'appeared'. Otherwise he was a lovely gentleman who sadly died due to his alcoholism. The other fellow was affected by alcohol the instant it hit his mouth.

I do think your idea to have individual servings is a good one - and it can be easier for guests at informal parties - although I understand that's not always possible for some foods.

Unfortunately, individual servings don't keep the boor from grabbing them all in one fist. I really like them, though. My own onus is that my people can't figure out how to use interesting partyware, and I've given up. I've had the plant based plates with the hole for the cups (and the people in the catering store looking at me funny while I tried on cups in my plate). They use the hole as a handle. I"ve tried the plastic one handed canape plates with the molded instructions that say where to put your finger and where to put your cup, and shown them how they go. They think they're clever, but still do the balance and grip thing while mingling, instead of the one handed thing, even though it really works. I've used the molded shot bomb glasses, where you put the dip where the shot goes and the veg or chips around it where the drink would go. They just don't bother with them and use a blob of dip on their plates for the cup of veggies, ignoring the dip in the middle. I think those wonton spoons and bread cups are beautifully contrived and would work for my (sober!) people.

Cathy, I hear you, and I've been there. Disruptive behavior, however, just spoils it for everybody and they don't want be at a party if X will be there. It's hard enough dealing with the normally socially clueless. IMO, it's much easier having small, manageable gatherings where X can feel more confident and comfortable, and where the company has come to interact with X, rather than avoid him/her. It takes more effort, but is worthwhile and everybody feels good about the occasion. It has to be terribly disappointing and hurtful for X to be at a party where he/she is being avoided, which can easily lead to even less appropriate behavior. Balancing all the needs is hard. Good luck!

yep, plllog, I hesitated to post. Seeing "that Mr.Rude was "off" last night. Maybe he was on meds maybe he needed meds" and that "he arrived somewhat spaced out" would give me pause/concern if that's what one truly observed; otherwise, it seems rather cavalier. Moreover, it promotes correlating boorish behavior to medication usage/non-usage and we know about correlation.

I'll let this go. I know I'm sensitive with the recent tragedies we've seen.

CathyinSWPA

Islay, I find that in our world, bringing something to a dinner party is not considered rude at all. People will usually ask if they can bring something, but it is always appreciated whether they do or not. I guess in my circle of friends and/or acquaintances we are really easy going and are not quick to take offence.

Another factor to consider.

I believe there is a connection between bad manners and autism.

Actually I should not say bad manners. I should say inappropriate social behaviors.

dcarch

Yeah, Cathy. I was thinking of the loved ones with serious mental health issues and inability to show appropriate behavior at a large social gathering. Usually medication helps them with that, even if they don't like the other effects. I don't know what was up with the man in question. I hope it's transitory and can be fixed.

Louise, if someone carefully plans a menu with matching wine then someone comes along with unasked for food, then it is embarrassing.......where to put it, find dishes to serve it..... just not necessary. However, we also have meals where everyone joins in and brings a dish.....thats a different kettle of fish all together. A dinner party isn't a free for all potluck unless stated.

a few of the other attendees have mentioned Mr. Rude as being frail and stumbling as he entered the event. Also, my ex and several family members are problem drinkers - - which is why I didn't jump right there with Mr. Rude. Having seen him at other events which were designed to be heavier drinking and dance parties is where my comparison was based. I was also told that GF didn't look too happy but was sporting an engagement ring that she did not speak to the group about and the individual said she was just "trying it on". BTW GF is buying a new house she says is HER house, Mr. Rude while his home is not up for sale yet states he will be moving there too as and references it as OUR house. Geesh, sometimes it is too much. Mr. Rude is not autistic, he is a boor. My husband is a dentist with two other PhD's and until Mr. Rude found out he would ignore him as he only talked to intelligent people. Shortly after that he questioned me on my own degree and I told him while I do hold degrees I do not submit a resume as requirement to an evolving friendship. I also know that Mr. Rude is on mood leveling drugs and am considering that he should not be mixing alcohol with them.

You are correct - he should NOT be mixing alcohol with psych meds.

https://www.verywellmind.com/bipolar-medication-alcohol-interactions-379638

"DK Haas

You are correct - he should NOT be mixing alcohol with psych meds."

Or any other Meds. Alcohol is a medicine.

dcarch

If this hostess invited me to another gathering, I might inquire as to whether or not this person was also invited. I might politely decline and tell her that I was greatly offended by his behavior and I just could not enjoy her company ( or the company of others ) with this behavior going on. I might mention that I hope he is doing better and that his mood-leveling drugs are effective. Nonetheless, he will still be a boor.

He and his girlfriend would not be invited to home.

Sounds like the poor Neanderthal missed the Evolution Conference. ☺

This scenario is not so cut and dry. If you value Ms. Sweet's friendship, I would not mention it, at all. She obviously cares for the guy, or they wouldn't be together.

Plus, sharing your thoughts with her, might force her to choose between the boyfriend and you. Besides, no one can fix 'Rube.'

If there's a next time, set him up at the kid's table. Kidding, of course...or am I?

Sol

Dcarch7. Alcohol is not a medicine, but a poison. Alcohol does not treat any illness.

It sounds like to me guy was flying low to start with. If this has never happened before and you like the GF, I would give a second chance. I WOULD draft hubby or large male friend to corral said person next time and read the riot act. If it happens again, nope, not another invite.

We never had the large parties you are having, but we had holiday dinners and I learned to not have dip stuff. My MIL, who was the sweetest person EVER, did not understand double dipping. She being inland, had never had shrimp and did not like them, but since I made a shrimp tray, she wanted to try it. She dipped, took a tiny bite, and repeated several times. She still didn't like it, but I just never had anything you dipped again. It was premade on crackers. She would have been so embarrassed and I would have NEVER said anything to her.

It was really hard dealing with Dad when he started dipping using his pre-licked silverware into the common pot for serving. He was getting early onset Alzheimers at that point. I really didn't want to critique him, but nor did I want to eat from the same area of the same dish he'd done this in. I think I just ended up eating a lot less in those meals. Dad really didn't know what was going on and devolving to.

This is not the situation at your party, from what I see.

Pillog: No one can use you as a doormat unless you let them. Well, not after the first time, unless they are bigger and physically stronger than you. First time is the shocker. And of course small children don't have the option to opt out of being doormats, by and large. Otherwise, yes... I really would not invite that guy back.

If you like the GF, do a Girl's Night Out with her and other female friends (and don't use it as an opp to talk about her choice of BF's.)

Bringing food to a dinner party:

I host dinners where I want to cook the meal, and I host pot lucks. These are separate.

I admit I was rather out of sorts when a couple brought a huge batch box of Dunkin Donuts to my house back in 2017, when I said I was going to make dinner for all. These evil things were brought out on the table before I was ready to serve, and did interfere with the menu plan I had. I mean, you eat several of those, you have no room left for a real food experience...

However, I will note, when I am cooking for others, I always ask all putative attendees if they have any food restrictions (religious, philosophical or otherwise), allergies, or non-allergy digestive issues. I am really happy to do my cooking for such meals around any and all restrictions, given a notification that isn't something like one day before!

I don't care much for policing guests. But being a straight forward NewYorker that fella would get a manners lesson from me at the first sign of brain cell malfunction. : )

Usually that starts at 6 years old by parents. Not sure why some adults missed that basic lesson as a child. Or just fell apart at some point and slobbed their lives. I know a few that are caring and loving but have no manners. AdultADHD?, medication confusion?, ...

I'm guessing he has issues socially but may be loving and compassionate most days that gets a bit confusing for a partner that is socially sound/grounded. Sadly some are attracted to taking care of baby/infant behavior.

No invite next specific party but welcome at a BBQ?, maybe, if no pairings or tastings are planned. Spell it out, no stress.

We used to have an annual giant party every Sunday night before Christmas. It could be the 19th or the 22nd. However the date fell. 200+ invites. Hand delivered, some sent. The last party I said no more. We had more crashers than friends. I had people I didn't even know in my closet trying on costumes (I had hooks around the back wall with various fun stuff)...one fella attacked me verbally about my kitty. "your cat is a jerk"...."My cat just decided that your are leaving", lol. Grabbed the fella by the collar a led him to the door. "out you go".

Not trying to guess the issue but we all know it here and there from experience.

Your cat is awesome, sleevendog!

I wouldn't saying anything to him or to his partner. If this is an indication of his normal behaviour thanI wouldn't invite him again to this type of occasion.

As for guest bringing food that wasn't requested, I would be annoyed. Thankfully, I've never had to deal with this problem. When I invite someone for dinner, I have the meal and the wines planned. It isn't uncommon for someone to ask if they can bring something, and I'm always clear that they just need to bring themselves.

If someone has an aversion, allergy, or a dietary issue, than I would expect them to mention it when they accepted the invitation. I would be more than happy to plan the menu around any issues. I would not expect them to provide their own meal.

Actually, when I invite people to a dinner party, I immediately ask them if they have any food allergies, aversions or religious reasons not to eat any particular foods. Since I ask when I invite, I have plenty of time to work out a great menu with enough things for everybody in attendance. It may well be that not everyone can eat every item, but there will be enough Real Food that no one will go home hungry.

I don't want to wait until they tell me. I ASK.

What I really hated was the dinner party where I told people I'd make the meal, please only just bring yourselves..., and one couple brought up a disgusting box of Dunkin Donuts. It was the housewarming party for my new home here, and I really seriously wanted on so many levels to have this be a Real Food Event. It just meant so much to me to do that. Here I am, about to homestead... and those THINGS show up?

Hmm. It is a year and two months later, and I have to note, I am STILL peeved...

Peeved that someone brought Dunkin Donuts? DH would never be invited to your home ;)

I think I travel in an entirely different circle. I don't do the sophisticated wine tasting parties but have had dinners, BBQs etc. I know all of my guests. I know who is allergic to peanuts, who can't eat meat etc. So, I imagine these parties that are being talked about with more acquaintances that you don't actually know very well.

As much of a fan of Dunkin Donuts that DH is, it would never occur to us to bring them to a party. But, all our friends know DH and Dunking Donuts and would get the biggest laugh, in a good way, if we did.

Artemis, your feelings are your feelings. The Dunkin Donut couple does not seem like your kind of people. Not saying that good or bad, just the way it is.

I don't like answering for other people, so just my personal 2 cents : ) Eld6161, if I'd had a housewarming party, and invited guests with the stipulation that I was cooking so no need to bring anything, and someone brought a large container of anything, home cooked, store-bought... anything, I'd be a bit upset if they set it on the table and all the guests just started filling up, rather than being hungry for the meal I'd spent time on, planning and cooking. Now, it they brought me something, said this is for you, and allowed me to tuck it away in the fridge or pantry, that'd be an entirely different story : )

Ha! I worked at a Dunkin' Donuts eons ago, and I've eaten my share! I prefer other things, but if someone brought me a donut, freshly made, I'd eat it! On the other hand, DH has an affinity for those Little Debbie donuts... and though I love him, I don't love them! LOL!

I guess like led, our circle of friends is quite different than what I’m hearing here. I don’t try to pair a wine with each course and such. Our friends know to bring whatever they would like to drink. We always have something on hand if need be. If someone asks if they can bring anything, I almost always say no, just whatever you would like to drink. But quite often guests might bring something but usually a snack type thing. Not potluck, I know the difference. We are not heathens, just casual people who enjoy each others company.. we recently hosted a horseshoe tournament for about 40 friends. We supplied the main and others brought sides and desserts. We made a huge lasagne, about 25 lbs., and we had 22 lbs of barbecued ribs. It turned out great.

I also have a circle of friends who are apparently much different than some others have. We are a very rural farming community and we never have "tastings" or "cocktail parties", although we do occasionally have fancier "dinner parties". Most of our social events are with family members, neighbors or long time acquaintances. And none of our events, EVER, are centered around alcohol as we have various family members who are recovering alcoholics or who we wished were recovering. Drinking has become problematic at various times in the past and so we just don't encourage some people to do it. If we decide to "do" a wine tasting, we do a wine tour or visit local vineyards or do something like the Food and Wine shows. Grand Rapids is a big craft beer place and although I absolutely detest beer I make a darned fine designated driver. Having been married to an alcoholic husband for 30 years (now divorced), I don't drink at all but if you want a glass of wine, that's fine by me. I did try to like wine, but never succeeded, I don't even put it in my food because I just don't like it. Bring me good coffee, though, and I'm a happy, happy person, LOL.

Some of my "parties" involve friends I've met on this forum, if someone is visiting all the other local members want to visit too and we seem to have sleep overs and gatherings. At those parties everyone cooks something and there doesn't ever seem to be a set menu. If someone wants a specific wine, they bring their own and we all seem to be happy. We've made our own limoncello and tried various local wines and everyone's favorite recipes and it was all good, the food and drink was secondary to the very good company.

I don't care what anyone brings, and I do try to find out if anyone has food issues, allergies, sensitivities and make sure that everyone has something they can eat. Dunkin' Donuts? Well, I'd never turn them down, my cows just love them, LOL. They love Little Debbie too, the powdered sugar ones.

Double dippers. (sigh) I don't mind so much if it's someone I would kiss, like the grandkids, although they do get a quiet reminder. Bud is particularly bad, I accuse him of doing it on purpose so he can have all the dip himself. I encourage the younger attendees to put some on their plate, so they can double and triple dip to their heart's content.

Party crashers? Like Sleevendog, I would not hesitate to show them the way out, backed by large family members if necessary. Then again, some of them have turned out to be lovely people and so I've kept them as friends. (grin)

Ms. Sweet and Mr. Boor? I depends on the relationship I have with Ms. Sweet. If we're really friends she already knows what I think about her boyfriend's manners and we've probably rolled our eyes and joked about it. If it really is a problem for me, I'd make sure I didn't invite him to any event where his behavior would be embarrassing for Ms. Sweet or annoying to me. My friends all seem very laid back, though, and willing to overlook a lot of character flaws and lapses of social behavior, although the guys in my social circle would probably "gang up" on Mr. Boor and harass him endlessly about how they don't want to swap spit with him or tell him to practice safe eating and use condiments as they were meant to be used.

Annie

I have a frequent guest who always wants to bring something, to the point where she feels uncomfortable if she doesn't. Rather than the inevitable unwelcome surprise, I just plan my menus with a couple of items I can farm out when asked. Things that I need for the meal, but that don't have to be done MY way. And I buy a little backup so there isn't a complete hole if something happens and the expected dish doesn't arrive--the guests are trustworthy, but things happen. I always have some kind of fruit with the dessert, so that's one I will often ask her to bring. It's easy and it really does save me some work. And I'll stash some berries in the corner of the fridge just in case, and have plenty for the coming week since they aren't needed (when something did come up and they had to bail, she still found someone to bring the fruit).

Crudites are also an easy thing for someone who insists on bringing something. Or "something chocolate" if I'm planning a non-chocolate dessert. Or "we could use a good bottle of white wine" said to someone who knows good from bad (not for a meal with planned pairings). Or, "OMG! Could you bring a bag of ice? That would be so awesome!". Ice is inexpensive and I have nowhere good to store it before it's time to put it in the ice chest, so it really is useful and saves one of us popping out for it.

The common thread is easy and useful. It helps that I'm the best cook (and baker) of us all except one, and she would never think of messing up the meal with an unasked for cooked dish. I don't have to contend with people who want to show off their own (sometimes delusional) cooking/baking chops.

I do provide for the special needs and diets I'm informed about, but I do still get the occasional guest of the "don't worry about me, i have my own food" variety. If that's what floats their boats, I don't care. Whatever they want to eat, it's the company that matters. Just don't slap your Tupperware down on my company dishes and eat straight from it like 10 minute lunch in the breakroom so you can get to the bank and back Join us at the party. Plate your food nicely so we can feel like we're all dining together.

But then I think about that box of donuts. Simply, unbearably rude! To plunk it on the table before dinner? That's like they're saying, "Fill up on junk, kids, because you know the food is going to be unbearable." (Which, of course, we know is false.) Artemis, I'm not surprised that still rankles. That's downright mean! If I saw that, I (I hope) would put on my mean nanny hat, grab the box and a plate, and insist the guests put their uneaten donuts on the plate, saying, "Donuts are for good children who eat their dinners," and just whisk it all away.

What about someone who brings his/her dog/cat to the party?

dcarch

My neighbour has an annual neighbourhood Christmas party and invited the "new neighbours". Long story short, one of the guests brought their dog, and the new neighbour brought their kids (it's supposed to be an adult only party). The dog bit the kid. Luckily for us, we got the party dates mixed up and were in NYC for the weekend, so didn't have to witness the fiasco.

I would ask the person to leave their pet in the car, since I have cats who would not mingle well with strange animals. That’s just rude.

And I’m with Artemis and Plllog on the Dunkin’ Donuts issue.

Eld, you may think you know your friends’ food issues, but I can tell you that food issues can develop as you age. DH used to have none, but now cannot eat garlic or onions at all, and needs to minimise lactose and gluten to avoid bloating. His brother now can’t eat chicken, tomatoes or chillies. A friend has developed so many sensitivities it’s hard to keep track. So nothing is set in stone.

Dcarch, you've just thrown the cat amongst the pigeons! Literally! I'm aghast that anyone would bring a pet uninvited.

A friend of a friend is blind and has a service dog. A BIG service dog. My house has nowhere to keep a big dog comfortable during a large party. If she were going to be visiting, I'd have to ask her if the dog would be okay in the yard. She might have some other way of dealing with the issue as well. Perhaps the dog would be okay in a corner under a chair. When we've gone out to dinner, her previous BIG dog became remarkably small and managed to get completely under the table of a booth, leaving room for our feet. Skilled dogs aren't a problem if there's room for them, and they do seem to require less room than it seems.

Pets are another story. I love animals, but I have allergies, and I don't want your animals in my house unless they have a darned good reason to be there. Show up with one, uninvited, and I'll give you a quick hug and look terribly disappointed (truth) and tell you how much I regret you weren't able to get a sitter and have a good evening, good-bye.

Good manners is often designed as making people around you comfortable. Bad manners, therefore, is exploiting someone's good manners to make yourself comfortable. Blunt manners are what you're left with when you've given up on most people having the former and have been confronted too often by people with the latter. I would rather be rude to a rude guest than have someone make people miserable in my home.

How do you deal with the situation if one of the guests really should have used deodorant?

This was what I did. I handed him a note, "Larry, you must have eaten a lot of garlic for lunch. I can smell you a mile away. Feel free to use something in my medicine cabinet in the bathroom."

dcarch

Aren't service dogs expected to remain with their owners? Not shuffled off to another room or a backyard?

To get back to the boor at Susan's vodka tasting: it's too much. Too much aggressive rudeness to deserve the "maybe he wasn't raised right" pass. I would never invite him again.

Keep up with his girlfriend by inviting her to lunch.

Ann, sometimes in private they do get time off. That's why I'd ask. The blind woman can get around a room without the dog., though obviously in a new place, with a lot of people, she'd need to take someone's arm. She might, herself, feel uncomfortable about the many people and moving furniture (tray tables, chairs, etc.) and choose not to attend the shindig. There would be no issue with a small dinner party (fewer than a dozen) where there aren't a bunch of people milling around, bumping into, tripping over and stepping on the dog. It's large parties I don't know the answer for and would ask. But the person with the dog has excellent manners and wouldn't just show up without asking, so I'm not worried about it. I just meant that I might have to make some kind of accommodation for a genuine service dog, and would do so willingly though would need to ask what to do, but non-working pets aren't getting in the door. Or the yard gate. Two of the grown women I see regularly at parties say things about having to get home, each to their dogs. I get not being able to stay later because they have critters to look after. Bye. Nice to see you. We look forward to next time. They don't bring their dogs to parties!

Dcarch, your note sounds fairly diplomatic and kind. There are people with medical issues that make them stink in a way that no amount of hygiene products can alter. It's very sad for these people because no one wants to be near them and they can even transfer their odors to the furniture. I suppose barbecues are better occasions for such people, but even where I live, there are times of year when outdoors isn't an answer, nor would one wish to be tagged as refusing to let a friend enter the house. That friend would have enough to deal with, without having to feel belittled by friends.

If it's just someone who has come straight from work and smells a bit gymtastic but not gaggingly foul, I'd ignore it. If it happened often, when inviting that person, I'd ask if he/she were coming straight from work, and offer my guest room/bathroom, if he wanted to bring a change of clothes and clean up, but I wouldn't push it if I were turned down.

What about someone who brings his/her dog/cat to the party?

This happened a couple of years ago when I was at a friend's house for Thanksgiving. We have a mutual friend who is very dear to us, but who had taken up with a pretty dreadful woman. My friends knew the only way she'd let him come was if she came, too, so they were both invited. My friends have a small dog of their own who is usually shut in another room during dinner when there are guests.

She showed up with a hideous yelpy little dog, which she insisted on holding on her lap at the table. Not only was everyone's appetite ruined, but my friends were particularly mortified because they had specifically asked another of the guests who always wants to bring her two golden retrievers and german-shepherd-type not to bring her dogs.

It was a wretched day. Needless to say, our mutual friend isn't getting invited anywhere again unless he breaks up with her.

ETA BTW, dog woman spend the whole time when she wasn't encouraging the dog to eat from her plate explaining to my friends why they should get a service vest for their dog because then they could take him everywhere and nobody could say anything. She told us all about where to get a fake doctor's certificate and all.

All this reminds me of a huge ( 60 to 75 people) party I gave one time for a friend who's daughter was marrying someone who was...how shall I say it?? Not Our Kind of People? I know it sounds snobby but....
There were 3 "couples" giving the party but I was newly widowed and it was at my house. One of the other men helped with the bar but eventually if you wanted a 3rd drink you fixed it yourself. It was a dinner party....with plate and fork friendly food, perch where you can with your plate on your lap.
Well one of the other women had fixed the main dish casserole ( not my idea!) and put in in a huge dish that was taking forever to heat up....anyhow...the groom and his father got falling down drunk. It seemed that they had never been to a party where you could have all you wanted to drink....for free! and took full advantage. I prevailed on the mother of the groom to take her husband and son home before it was too late ( meaning before anyone threw up!)....and no one mentioned a thing....there was just an embarrassed silence about the incident and the bride to be and her parents continues to enjoy dessert....and we never invited them again and no one spoke of the incident....even after the divorce!
But recently, 20 years later, someone said wasn't that so and so who got so drunk at your house that time....
A drunk of a boor doesn't have to ruin a party....just ignore it as best you can....hard when you are the hostess.

Dcarch, sounds like you handled the BO the situation with kindness and discretion – and I find it particularly nice that you did do something. My Grandfather had difficulty all his life with severe perspiration accompanied by body odor. He used a prescription deodorant and still fought it. Later in my life I inherited this and also used a prescription deodorant, which worked wonders but was painful. Thankfully, mine left after 3 years.

Emotional support dogs… they can be of tremendous comfort, but they are not required to undergo the same training as service dogs, and people do abuse this. I’ve a relative who had her dog listed at emotional support so they wouldn’t be charged airline fees. I’ve seen an ill-tempered emotional support dog bite someone in the grocery store, unprovoked. Some do have additional training, which I think should be a legal requirement.

Aside from Service Dogs, if someone showed up at my home as a guest with a pet and had not asked prior (to which I’d have said no, due to other people’s allergies, for one), I’d have said they must take their dog back home. That behavior is self-indulgent, inconsiderate, and not fair to the pet. DH and I have a ‘dog-child’ whom we love, but we know better than to take her to a dinner party. Family get-togethers are an entirely different matter, where our dog is often invited to come with us (or without us! LOL).