In my opinion, he's not worth having if he won't accept your children more of the time. I understand that the agreement has changed and that he married you with that agreement in place, and I don't blame him for being torn. However, for me, my kids, and their well-being and health would come first.

Good luck. You're in a bad place right now but, again in my opinion, have no other choice. It'll upset your kids to lose your husband (yet another man leaving their lives) and they'll need help to get through it, but the alternative is worse.

Bleah. This guy was nice and fun and sweet and adorable as long as everything was going pretty much his way. Time to be an adult? Oh no he didn't sign up for that lol. And it's not like you sprung a new puppy on him, he knew you had these children before the two of you married. A good friend of mine has a saying: bless him and release him. Which is nicer than the way I would phrase it.

Always put your kids first. They need you, not him.

I think that if it were me somehow in that situation, that man would be no more than a small bump in the road on the way to getting more access/custody/time to the children that I had brought into this world. There wouldn't even be a discussion, and I wouldn't waste more words on the issue of how the "future ex-husband" felt about the dependent, helpless children who need their mother. Move out, kick him out, whatever. The kids are more important than he is, and more important than your relationship with him is. Sorry to be blunt, everyone has an opinion, and that is mine. I realize that life doesn't always seem so cut and dried, and I wish you the best. Your instincts are with the children, and I applaud you for that.

I agree that your kids come first.

I can kind of understand a little about how your husband might be upset, though. It sounds like you gave him the impression that you were only going to have the kids 50% when you married him. Of course, he should understand that things can change. But, did the two of you ever have a conversation about this possibility? Because that should have happened both before you were married and then when you started stockpiling information about your ex to get your kids more. Did you tell your new husband what you were doing, what you wanted to do, etc? Or just spring it on him? I think this should have been an ongoing discussion between the two of you, that started before you were married.

Having said that, of course your kids come first.

Why do you even ask those questions? The answers should be very clear.

You've made your choice. Now it's time for him to make his. Tell him to accept it or leave.

That being said. I understand his viewpoint. Those who are saying he is outright wrong are not seeing both sides. You agreed to 50 percent. So did he. Granted, these things can change, but it's a huge adjustment. It sounds like the adjustment was made without his knowledge or input,and that can breed resentment. Kids certainly can change and strain relationships,even when the kids are biologically linked to both partners. Someone elses kids place a much bigger strain. For myself,I vowed to never become involved with someone who had small children. SO had older teenagers when I met him, which did cause some strain with the lovely teen attitudes that came with them,but not nearly as much as it would have if they were younger and required much more attention.

I see your side too. Your kids come before your husband. You are doing what you feel is best for them,which is 100% understandable. However,since you took it upon yourself to change your family dynamic without your husband's consent, you have to accept the consequences,which may include the ending of your marriage. There really is no compromise here. You are making a choice. He is forcing you to do so. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

He says he loves the kids and I but only agreed to 50%. Good grief. That loser would have been gone right after that statement. Actually, he would never have been around if he "only agreed to 50%". You are either in a marriage 100% or you aren't really married. How do you love someone 50%? I agree totally with Mrs.S but I'm not sorry to be blunt.

You want what is right for your children, as you should. They should always be your first concern and anyone/anything else who does not agree should not be in the equation.

Maybe you should talk to him about how he feels the kids are a strain on your marriage and try to work things out before you decide to end your marriage because he's upset. Do you guys fight more when your kids are there? If so, why? How can that be worked out? Does he feel strained because there are some behaviors exhibited by your kids that you allow but he is bothered by? Is he allowed to correct them at all or have any input so far as acceptable vs unacceptablele behaviors? What happens when your kids are there that he thinks strains your marriage?

To be completely blunt, you cannot expect him to love your kids the way you love them. That's not a reasonable expectation of him. He may grow to love them over time, but it's you he fell in love with and not your kids. He probably IS tolerating them at this point (hopefully he likes them at least somewhat) and I think that would be true for most any step parent. I think it's rare that a step parent falls immediately in love with their spouse's kids.

Of course, your kids have to come first so far as you taking them into your home full time and giving them a safe and healthy home. Your kids' NEEDS come first. But, I wanted to say this... Not everything related to your kids has to be placed first, before your husband and marriage. This means that their "wants" do not need to come first, before him. Some of their needs also do not need to be fulfilled immediately, at his expense. For example, you are spending time with your husband (maybe having a conversation) and one of your kids interrupts because they WANT you to do something. At that point, your husband and your marriage should come first and your child can and should be told to wait. It also means that you should be willing to do things like giving your kids reasonable bedtimes for their ages so that you can spend some alone time together with your husband in the evenings and that you should make sure your kids are treating your husband with respect.

You need to make sure that you are also meeting your husband's needs and the needs of your marriage. Putting your kids first does not mean that you place zero value on your husband or your marriage. In actuality, you should also be placing a great deal of value on both your husband and your marriage. Putting your kids first does mean you need to take them full time. But, it does not mean just giving up on your marriage because your husband is unhappy or uncomfortable with this.

I think you should talk with him and try to figure out what he feels are the strains the kids are placing on your marriage (and on him, too) while they are there and try to come up with a plan (and some specific strategies) to work things out. This might mean things like date nights for you guys (without the kids), the kids having a bedtime so you can spend some time together in the evenings, etc. It might mean that some of their behaviors that you don't mind might be reasonably bothering your husband and so need to be changed. You don't actually know until you've had some conversations with him and it sounds like you two are not communicating well. Maybe you should consider some marriage counseling to help you guys communicate better and work things out.

Your marriage is not worth nothing and neither is your husband. By the way, you can't just legally kick him out. It doesn't work that way. But, really...I think you should try to work things out.

Really veggie Gardener, you think there's trouble communicating? The guy said he didn't sign up for more than 50% and he's not happy and you think there's trouble communicating?

Yes, I do. The OP seems to have never communicated her plan with him to get her kids full time. She's been stockpiling evidence against her ex to use to make that happen. Now that her ex doesn't want them, she says "success." You don't say "success" unless you've had a plan for something to happen, or a hope that it would. To me, it sounds like all this has come as a surprise to her "new" husband, but what she was hoping and planning to have happen all along.

Her new husband deserved for conversations about her plans to have occurred and this should have started before she married him. He had a right to know what she was planning/hoping for. So far as him saying he only signed up for 50 percent, that supports my idea that he had no idea she wanted the kids full time and was stockpiling evidence to make that happen. Now that it is happening, and what he thought was the future plan has been changed with no input from him, he's upset. I can understand his feelings. Yeah, he knew she had kids before he married her, but he thought it was half time and, evidently, wasn't told of her plans to get them full time. Of course, he should have known that things can change, but, it sounds like he wasn't told she was actually wanting, and working towards getting, the kids full time.

At this point, if the marriage is to be saved, they need to start communicating about why he thinks it's a strain on the marriage and they need to develop plans, together, so that the situation can work out. He isn't being very mature about this, I agree, and he's being hurtful. But, it sounds like he's also been hurt by a previous lack of communication. He's not the only one at fault in this situation. Of course, the kids are totally without fault.

Are you actually saying you don't see the severe lack of communication here?

Also, everyone here is acting like he should love those kids as if they are his own. That's a totally unrealistic expectation for any new step parent. Head over to the step parents forum and do some reading if you don't believe me. I also think there's something going on while the kids are there that makes him feel stressed and like the marriage is strained and it's possibly fixable.

I totally agree with your posts, vegiegardnr. I just couldn't have put it so well.