When my DS was getting married and invitations were sent out, my widow friend was so pleased the invitation was addressed to her with her husbands name.

My understanding is that letters to her would now be addressed to Mrs. Mary Doe.

well, I would probably address it to Jane Doe. If I'm her friend!

That's what I thought. Thanks.

Well, you got me wondering, so I Googled it and it looks like there are different ways to do it. In 1922, Emily Post wrote: "Never under any circumstances address a social letter or note to a married woman, even if she is a widow, as Mrs. Mary Town. A widow is still Mrs. James Town."

There's another website called Manners International and it says: "A recent widow may be addressed as Mrs. (husbandâÂÂs name). However, if she is not recently widowed, she may be addressed as either Mrs. (her name) or Ms. (her name).

In the end, your kind letter of condolence would be welcomed no matter how it's addressed.

It really depends on her age, and what she expects. My grandmother is always addressed in correspondence as Mrs. John Doe, even though her husband died more than 60 years ago.

Me - I do not like being addressed in correspondence as Mrs. His Name, ever, for any reason. My identity is not dependent on having a husband. I always prefer being addressed as Jane Doe. I don't even like the honorific.

I have no problem with being addressed as Mrs. Lastname in person, though, especially by people younger than me.

Guess it is the widow's preference.

My friend wanted to be addressed by her husband's name.
My mother??? Of course, by my father's name.

Both are gone now. He left us before she did.

I addressed it Mrs. John Doe. I think taking his name away would make her sad at this point.

I understand what you are saying, Mary.

I agree Socks!

I believe "Mrs." by definition means "wife of" so you shouldn't really be a "wife of" yourself.... Mrs. Mary Doe translates to "wife of" Mary Doe (which makes no real sense)... Mrs. John Doe means "wife of" John Doe...

I'd keep it as Mrs. John Doe as you did...

I am a MS, divorced.

I think the bottom line is that you don't change the form of address for a woman just because her husband died. If the couple went by "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" before Mr. Smith died, then his widow is "Mrs. John Smith." If they went by Mr. John Smith and Ms. (or Mrs.) Mary Smith (or Mr. John Smith and Ms. (or Mrs.) Mary Jones, then she's "Ms. Mary Smith" after his death.

Btw, "Mrs.", "Miss" and "Ms." all derive from the same word - mistress. It was just the feminine version of mister. At various times, "Mrs." was the default form of address for any woman (except the very young, who were usually "Miss") and didn't necessarily refer to her marital status (other than that young women are likely to be single and older women are likely to be married), just as "Madame" in France or "Senora" in Spain doesn't necessarily refer to marital status (in spite of what they taught us in school). I think it's too bad that we ever got away from this. I don't understand why a woman's marital status needs to be included in her title.

I think the older generation like to have their husband's name in their title. Not me. I have always gone as Ms...decades ago but my mother went as Mrs John Doe for the almost 30 years she was a widow.

Good grief. Ask a widow what she likes. Why does
anyone - who isn't a widow -- think they have the
answer to how she should be addressed? Whatever she
wanted before he died - is probably what she wants
now. That is, of course, if you are going to "allow"
her to have a choice.

I am a widow - and so far, I haven't received any
official papers that tell me that my marriage is now
null and void, and I will be taken to jail immediately
if I dare use the word "Mrs", with or without his
name in the title.

"Etiquette", in deed. Sigh.

I'm from the era before the word Ms. was in use and at that time you addressed a widow as Mrs. John Smith and a divorced woman as Mrs. Mary Smith.

I think you did the right thing, but I feel the same as Mary C. I always preferred my own identity, rather than being tacked onto my husband's. If it had been acceptable for a woman to keep her last name at the time I was married, I'm sure I would have done it.......probably to my husband's horror. :-)

And I meant to address Molly's question:

Why does
anyone - who isn't a widow -- think they have the
answer to how she should be addressed?

I don't think any one of us knows what this specific widow would want. Widowed or not, all we can do is consult the etiquette books (which we did) and express our feelings on the subject (which we also did). KTers are good at expressing feelings. :-)

I was taught you address a widow as Mrs. John Smith for the rest of her life. However, a divorced woman would be addressed using her first name, Mrs. Mary Smith.

I was surprised to see that it is now just fine to drop the Ms. or Mrs. -- and that Miss is 'history'. My last knowledge was that a married woman who has taken her DH's surname is Mrs. John Surname forever unless she re-marries, and a divorcee is Mrs. Mary Maiden-name DH's-Surname. (Mrs. Mary Smith Jones). Only following an annulment would a woman take back her maiden surname. Not so anymore.

I received an invitation to a neighbor's 'Ladies' Morning Open House' last year, addressed to plain ole "Sue DH's-surname". The hostess (early Boomer era) said she'd paid her college-age daughter to address the invitations. She *also* said a lady senior to both of us had called to refuse the invitation. She was incensed, saying that although she'd been widowed for years, she was STILL Mrs. John DH's-Surname!

Socks -- It probably is safest to use the form of address this particular woman would find 'proper'. (And if your kid is addressing your invitations, give her the 'correct' wording you want her to use -- by which time you could have done it yourself, right?)

I am a widow of three years - I use Ms. My mail comes addressed with just my first and last name. I have used Ms. since my husband died. I think just the person's first and last name is appropriate for any occasion.

I think when the husband dies his name goes too.She goes back to her first name and hopes some day she can change it again.

This boomer lady *paid* her college-age kid to address a few envelopes inviting friends to a social gathering??

The kid is paying her own way through college ... without help from her parents?

Here I've been thinking that some family chores were to be done gratis.

My daughter, prior to marriage, during marriage and subsequent to marriage ... has always been "Ms. Kxxx Bxxxx".

Ole joyful ... call me anything you like (as long as it's respectful: well, more or less so)

I was widowed three weeks ago. I find it comforting to receive letters addressed to "Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName." I may be a traditionalist, but, though my husband has died, I did not un-become his wife. I am only 54, and have used my first name professionally, for 25 years, but socially, I always preferred "Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName."

I think that the basic function of good manners is to make other people feel better.

Tish, my condolences on your loss.

I agree with Lucille.

I thought addressing a woman by her husbands name was a thing of the past. Women have their own name, why call them by their husband's name (deceased or alive)?

Tish, deepest condolences. Your loss is very recent; I wish you well. Please join in the conversation here any time. We welcome you.

Tish, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think a card to a recently widowed woman should be addressed to " Mrs. John Doe ". I think to do otherwise would be a reminder of their loss, and probably cause them more pain.

I am honored to be " Mrs. Husband's Name", and always will be, whether he's alive, or not. My husband is part of me, and I share his name out of love and respect.

My condolences , Tish.

I am not my husband and I have not used his name for many years. No one I know does. I have my own identity and it's always "lily Jones". I have a friend whose husband just died and I sent her Xmas card as Mrs Mary Smith. Makes me think of a funny story . When I was married a week before I introduced myself to a new neighbor as Mrs Jones. I was 21 but looked 14 so they probably had a laugh.

Titles are also social 'signals'.

When you meet Mrs. John Doe you know she is married or widowed.

When you meet Ms. Mary Green...who knows? Until recently, you would have known that MISS Mary Green was single. Maybe Ms. Green is wearing a wedding ring -- another 'signal'.

Mrs. Green Doe has been married, but is divorced. A subsequent wife will be known as Mrs. John Doe as long as he and she are married.

As an aside: I cringed the day a taxi driver addressed me as "Ma'm" instead of "Miss". I did hear "Miss" until I was 25, never mind the wedding ring. Time to bring out "Crone".

I'm married and I fill out forms as "Ms". I figure it's my choice and nobody else's business about my marital status.

Back to the topic, I'd drop the title and call her by the name you usually call her unless it's an older woman who you think might feel more comfortable as Mrs. John Smith. Our customs are changing. I don't think there really is a set rule anymore.

The rule today is there are no rules. People have preferences, one person's won't be the same as someone else's. If unsure how to address someone, why not ask?

I agree with Elmer. Everyone is not going to be the same. For me, if I were widowed it would not matter but I would prefer my own name.

Sue

"I think when the husband dies his name goes too.She goes back to her first name and hopes some day she can change it again."

That is one of the most ludicrous statements I have ever read on this board. And, that is saying A LOT! *facepalm*

Regarding the "hoping she can change it again" statement, as this is a post from 2010, I wonder if "goldy" is even still around. Maybe she got her wish after all, and has changed her name again and turned into somebody else. LOL

I've been widowed for over 11 years and I'm still Mrs John Doe. After I was divorced from husband #1, I chose the old fashioned Mrs Maiden Surname Married Surname-my first name was not part of it - Mrs Smith Jones. I never felt any less an individual or person by using my husband's name. And I detest. "Ms"!

I have been married for 42 years and I have NEVER been known as Mrs. hisfirstname ourlastname. When we married, I did not become subservient to, or a subsidiary of, my new husband. I still had MY OWN FIRST NAME. I thought it was sufficient for me to change my last name to his.

Married, divorced, or widowed makes no difference to me - I want my ownfirstname.

I'm so sorry for your loss tish. I just want to say that you will receive cards to Mrs. Tish Jones along with Mrs. Your husbands name Jones.

It isn't a sign of disrespect nor meant to be hurtful. I'm older than you are but if my husband died or if the husband of a friend of mine died, cards would say Mrs. myname Jones. Actually, I suspect that there wouldn't even be a Mrs. in front of the salutation. For me, one is more formal than the other.

I hope that you can take comfort in the message of the cards from your friends and family.

I didn't, and won't take offense to however I am addressed. It just made me feel happy to still be thought of as "Bob's Wife." Thanks for all of the kind words! You are all very sweet!

I consider "Mrs." to be a 'honorific'. It takes nothing *away* from me.

I know I prefer to be called "Mrs. X" than to paged by some stranger/clerk/receptionist by the *overly familiar* "Sue".

It just made me feel happy to still be thought of as "Bob's Wife." - Tish

I almost started to cry when I read this. Oh Tish.

I've been widowed twice and I prefer no title or Ms if you must. Just my first and last name. My Mama didn't name me Mrs.

I would address the card to "Mary Jones" if that's her name. Not "Mrs John Jones". I've never addressed an envelope to a woman who is married using her husbands first name. I may do "Mr and Mrs John Jones" but that's only when writing Christmas cards and even then I usually do Mr and Mrs Jones. I'm not Mrs Bob Black. I'm Debby Black. I took his last name, not his first.

Honestly, when my husband died, I didn't even notice how condolence cards were addressed. I was just grateful to receive something indicating others were thinking of me and wishing me well. If someone had come to me at that point and asked how I would prefer to be addressed, it's possible they would not have appreciated my response as my emotions were all over the place and keeping them contained was extremely difficult. Loss of a spouse is a devastating time, whether it's an unusually quick passing or a lingering illness. Just ... be kind.

I've never received anything addressed to Mrs. John Gem.

If I did, I would probably think it's a typo and meant to be addressed to my husband since it has his first and last name on it.

Honestly, addressing a woman by her husband's first and last name seems archaic.

I've been married nearly 35 years and I've always been proud to be "Mrs Hislastname" but have never been addressed as "Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname", only ever "Mrs Colleen Hislastname". If I was to be addressed as "Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname", I would not be happy about it. I always thought it very weird when I would see ladies referred to in this way in the newspapers, for instance, when I was a child in the 1960s. I always wondered why those ladies had men's names and not ladies' names.

I've been working in a school lately and the kids call all the women "Miss" (just "Miss", not "Miss Lastname") as a default regardless of marital status.

For those saying to ask a recently bereaved widow how she wants to be addressed on a sympathy card - um, think about it... pretty tacky, and better to do the "wrong" salutation than to do that. Chances are the woman is simply going to be touched that you remember, and not even notice how she is addressed.

For the time being, I'd address that card the way you'd have addressed it while the gentleman was still alive. (Leaving off any "Mr" of course.)

A name is a means of identification. Different cultures have different naming practices. It is done for ease of identification. Even purebred dogs have such names, again for easy identification. If a dog's registered name is Hazelwood Jack of Ridgewood, one immediately knows the name of the dog's breeder and his owner. Really quite convenient!

In the US, the vast majority of women take their husband's surname. On an invitation or letter, they would be addressed as Mrs David Jones. If introduced at a social occasion, it would be Mary Jones. A widow does not revert to her maiden name upon the death of her husband and most keep their husband's names for addressing of envelopes etc. She remains Mary Jones socially.

Why some women today feel that taking a man's surname is "demeaning or subordinate", I cannot fathom. No one ever takes away the name one was given at birth and baptized with, if that was done. One is ALWAYS Margaret Rose, or Sarah Elizabeth. THAT is where her identity is, not her surname. That's a simple means of identification. Children are typically given the surname of their father, even if their mother did not take his name. We seem to have gotten past all those hyphenated surnames - they were cumbersome and would become even more so when those children marry someday.

WAY too much ego and pride involved in what is really a very simple thing.

Anglophilia- I didn't see anyone comment on not taking their husbands surname, it was about being addressed as Mrs. his Given name as well as his surname.