Table Manners for Modern-Day Dining
Elbows and cell phones? Maybe. Forgetting to say 'thank you'? No way. Our mealtime etiquette guide takes the guesswork out of group dining
Dinnertime etiquette isn't as fussy as it once was, especially at home (really, do you spoon your soup away from you?), and I for one am grateful for that. But in these casual times, what is the etiquette of the table? What do good manners look like today? Join me as I cover all the bases of modern table etiquette, from setting the table and serving the meal, to the most polite ways to get your guests to leave when they just aren't taking the hint.
Supplies for setting the table. Mercifully, table setting today is easier than ever. All you really need is a salad fork, dinner fork, table knife, soup spoon and after-dinner or dessert spoon. One set of good wineglasses with or without stems will serve you well, no matter the type of wine you are serving (wine connoisseurs will likely want more variety, but it's really not necessary). A set of water glasses, or even mason jars, can hold water and other beverages. Dinner plates, salad plates and soup bowls are essential — add a pretty set of dessert plates if you wish, but you can also use more salad plates for dessert plates.
Tech at the table. When you are enjoying a dinner with friends, silence your phone and put it away. In this age of 24/7 connection, giving your full attention to the people you are with is the best gift. If it's your friend who is constantly checking the phone during dinner, it is perfectly all right to ask him or her to put it away until you are done eating. Emphasize the fact that you have been looking forward to spending time together, and you want to catch up — keep your language positive, and your friend should get the picture without taking offense.
There are a few times we really must keep our phones on — parents with babies at home and doctors on call immediately come to mind. If this is the case, let the folks at your table know you have to keep your phone on and why, and they will know you are not being rude if you jump up during dinner to answer the phone.
There are a few times we really must keep our phones on — parents with babies at home and doctors on call immediately come to mind. If this is the case, let the folks at your table know you have to keep your phone on and why, and they will know you are not being rude if you jump up during dinner to answer the phone.
The linens. Use either a tablecloth (more formal) or placemats (more casual), but not both at once. If you are using a tablecloth and want a more layered look, try adding chargers under your dinner plates. Or go without tablecloth and placemats for a simple, modern feel.
Cloth napkins make any meal feel more special, so set them out at breakfast, lunch and dinner, whether or not (but especially if) you have company. I find that if there are too few cloth napkins in the house, people resort to paper more often — stock up so you always have plenty of fresh ones available
Cloth napkins make any meal feel more special, so set them out at breakfast, lunch and dinner, whether or not (but especially if) you have company. I find that if there are too few cloth napkins in the house, people resort to paper more often — stock up so you always have plenty of fresh ones available
Setting the table. Forks go on the left, knives and spoons on the right; glassware goes above the knives and spoons. Flatware for the first course (salad fork, soup spoon) goes on the outside; main-course flatware goes on the inside.
Fold the napkin and either place it under the fork (less formal), or in the center of the plate (more formal). If you are using a napkin ring, place the napkin to the left of the forks or on top of the plate. If you are serving soup, you can place the folded napkin between the soup bowl and the salad plate.
Fold the napkin and either place it under the fork (less formal), or in the center of the plate (more formal). If you are using a napkin ring, place the napkin to the left of the forks or on top of the plate. If you are serving soup, you can place the folded napkin between the soup bowl and the salad plate.
Serving the meal. Consider your menu and what sort of atmosphere you would like to create. Casual gatherings are more fun served family style, with all of the serving dishes placed on the table and passed around. If there is not enough room for all of the food, put a few bulky trays of food on a buffet and the rest on the table. If you are having soup for dinner, it may be easier to ladle bowlfuls in the kitchen and carry them out.
For more formal dinners (and for tiny tables with no room for platters) plate the food in the kitchen. Or as a compromise, try a family-style plated dinner — stack plates in the kitchen and invite your guests to dish out their own food.
For large groups a buffet is the way to go. Set plates at the head of the buffet and flatware bundled in napkins at the end, where it is more convenient for people to pick them up. Set up a separate drinks station so the buffet doesn't get too congested.
For more formal dinners (and for tiny tables with no room for platters) plate the food in the kitchen. Or as a compromise, try a family-style plated dinner — stack plates in the kitchen and invite your guests to dish out their own food.
For large groups a buffet is the way to go. Set plates at the head of the buffet and flatware bundled in napkins at the end, where it is more convenient for people to pick them up. Set up a separate drinks station so the buffet doesn't get too congested.
Flowers and candles. A lovely floral arrangement and the flickering glow of candlelight can be the perfect finishing touches to the dinner table, but candles and flowers can be taken too far. Overly fragrant flowers and scented candles can interfere with the enjoyment of the food, and oversize arrangements can make it difficult to see across the table.
If you want to have large floral arrangements, go ahead and set them on the table to enjoy before dinner, but move them to a sideboard or buffet before sitting down. Use only unscented or natural beeswax tapers on the table — save your favorite scented version for the living room.
If you want to have large floral arrangements, go ahead and set them on the table to enjoy before dinner, but move them to a sideboard or buffet before sitting down. Use only unscented or natural beeswax tapers on the table — save your favorite scented version for the living room.
Ending on a high note. Always offer to help your host clear or clean — and if you are really familiar (for example, it's your best friend's house), just pick up a plate and start helping. Be sure to thank your host (again) for a lovely evening, and don't overstay your welcome.
If you are the one doing the hosting, cleaning up the table and serving coffee are good ways to send the signal that you are wrapping things up. And if your guests still don't get the message? Try saying something along the lines of, "Well, it's been lovely catching up with you. You know I'd love to talk all night, but I have an early morning tomorrow, so I'm afraid I'll have to say goodnight." If that doesn't do the trick, you're on your own!
Tell us: Which table manners are important to you — and which not so much? Any pet peeves?
More: Simple Pleasures: Share Supper in the Kitchen
If you are the one doing the hosting, cleaning up the table and serving coffee are good ways to send the signal that you are wrapping things up. And if your guests still don't get the message? Try saying something along the lines of, "Well, it's been lovely catching up with you. You know I'd love to talk all night, but I have an early morning tomorrow, so I'm afraid I'll have to say goodnight." If that doesn't do the trick, you're on your own!
Tell us: Which table manners are important to you — and which not so much? Any pet peeves?
More: Simple Pleasures: Share Supper in the Kitchen
- Wait until everyone is seated and served before you begin eating.
- Ask someone to pass food rather than reaching for it.
- If you have a food allergy or special dietary needs, inform your host in advance.
- Try a bite of everything, even if it is not your favorite.
- Say "please" and "thank you" — but don't talk with your mouth full!
- If seating is tight, keep your elbows off the table. Otherwise, except at formal dinners, it's OK.
- Wait until everyone is finished eating before getting up.
And finally, be sure to compliment the food. If dinner is a complete disaster, you can still express gratitude to your host for taking the time to prepare it.