Kids expecting TWINS! Don't think they need a freezer! HA!
6 years ago
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- 6 years ago
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An epiphany: I don't think I want granite. Now what?
Comments (58)I really don't like granite. It's too speckeldy, too pretentious, too cold, too ostentatious, too expensive. And maybe it's just me, but doesn't most of it just look like rust stains? I also researched all the other countertop choices. Throughout our homebuilding we've tried to remain focused on our twin goals, Durable and Low Maintenance. And so we've come back to granite. What I found out is that granite showrooms only have a tiny selection of slabs onsite for you to look at. And most of those are ugly speckled rust stains. BUT, when you've found a company you want to work with, they'll hook you up with the huge granite yards where you go to pick out a slab and they send it to the installer. In our case it's a two hour drive to a huge city where there are a half dozen granite yards and acres of slabs of granite to choose from. You walk around for a couple of hours dragging your husband (who really doesn't want to be there and doesn't like anything unless it's cobalt blue) and your kids (who are fighting over a piece of gravel they picked up in the parking lot) and suddenly you turn a corner and find The Perfect Slab. And you hear a heavenly chorus that swells to drown out the sound of the kids squabbling and the perky salesperson who doesn't have a clue what you're really looking for (you couldn't tell her because you weren't really sure either.) And tears of relief and joy spring to your eyes, your husband drops to his knees in shock when he hears the price, and then you're done. Then you get to choose a backsplash!...See MoreI didn't... I don't want kids.
Comments (19)Reggie, When I met my DH, I was 29 years old and I knew then that I didn't want to have children. He has three children and he would also see them every other weekend. Believe me, I did find it hard when they were around. I especially found it hard with the oldest child who right from the start did not like me at all. With time, I started disliking it when she would come over to our house because what missy wanted, missy got! It would just infuriate me and for years I had arguments with hubby about the way he treated this child, never, ever, ever saying no to whatever she asked for. Well, she grew up to be a spoiled, irreponsible child.She quit school early, got pregnant at 16 years old, got in-debth, etc. etc. etc. She got married and treated her husband just like she had treated her dad all her life, that is, when she asked for something, she had to get it NOW, her husband is the one who was stuck with cleaning the house, taking care of the children, etc. etc. That marriage did not last long needless to say. Today, she is divorced and she has had to make major changes in her life. And I must admit that she has matured quite a bit in the last two years and she is now in a new relationship and believe me, she doesn't treat that man the way she treated her x. But I find it so sad that she has had to go through all these experiences at such a young age. I sometimes think if her father had spoiled her less and had felt less guilty towards her, this child wouldn't have had to go through such negative experiences when she was so young. Today, my relationship with this step-daughter is good but it was hell getting there. I always told her that at 20 years old, she had gone through what a 40 year old woman would have gone through. So sad. This being said, I feel for you. I know you have been with this man for several years, but believe me, he will never, ever agree with you if you say anything wrong about his child, whether it's about the fact that you think she goes to bed too late or she is really childish or whatever. He will always defend her no matter how much he loves you. And believe me, this little girl's demands are going to become more and more big as she grows up. Whatever she will want from her father, I guarantee you she will get it and that will cause major, major fights between you and him! Believe me, I've been there. I have been with hubby for 20 years now and there were many times that I said to myself, if i knew then, what I do know now in regards to being a step-parent, I don't know if I would have started a relationship with him. So, all I can say to you from experience is you either have to accept this child in your life and try and detach yourself from her with love or....leave this man. I know you love him but you will drive yourself mad and make yourself sick to death if you continue in this relationship knowing there is a child that will always, always be there. Sometimes, in order to understand my husband's behavior towards his child, I would sit down for a minute and wonder what would I do if that was my child. Most of the time, when I truly thought about it, I thought I would do the same thing he did. These men love their children to death and they feel really guilty about not being in their life 24/7 and because of this, they will do anything an everything for them just so these children will be happy and not hate their father. I truly wish you luck sweetie.Keep posting....See MoreI don't think I can do this...
Comments (32)I agree with postponing the wedding until these issues are settled. I promise you, it CAN get better, and that is up to your fiancee, but also up to you as well. Once he has addressed the issues with her, you will see a very dramatic turnaround in the behaviour of the child. Don't make that your issue because it's not. Your BM is behaving this way because a) she is being allowed to, and b) she is getting something out of it - satisfaction, attention, drama, pity - she is getting whatever reaction she wants and she is feeding off it. And you know what - your fiancee is getting something out of it as well. You both just need to figure out what that is. If your fiancee says only call once a day and then he answers the phone and argues with her several times a day, then he is teaching her that she doesn't have to take him seriously and she can do whatever she wants, regardless of what he says. HE is giving her permission to do this! I don't see a problem with you being the primary caretaker if your fiancee is working - don't worry about that - but he needs to give you a LOT more support. This is not your child, and you are not a glorified unpaid babysitter and nanny. What I would suggest is to get yourself in a place of absolute calm - take some time out and go for a long walk, have a massage, go get yourself an iced coffee or something - and just BE. Just sit and relax and clear your head. Don't sit and worry and stress about the situation. Don't even let yourself think about it. Just relax. Then when you are feeling in a more relaxed frame of mind, sit down with him and have a talk. No shouting, accusing, crying - NO DRAMA - and discuss it calmly with him. I assure you, I know how difficult this is, especially when tensions are running high - but the benefits are enormous. One point you need to make clear to him, in a loving way, is that if you leave then it's expected that sometime in the future he will meet someone else, and if these particular issues are not resolved, then that woman, and every other woman after her, will leave the same way. The one thing I said to my DH, a long long time ago, when I faced VERY similar problems that you are dealing with, was this, "If you are not able or not willing to address the disruptive and destructive behaviour that you are allowing to continue, through your ex wife and into OUR family, then you will always be alone. No woman - not me, not any other woman with any self-respect - will put up with it. That is your choice." Actually, I told him that he would never EVER have sex again unless he paid for it :) But don't try that unless you both have a very wicked and evil sense of humour like we have - he took it the right way and it gave us both a chuckle :D I said this out of love, and in understanding for the very difficult position that he was in with an ex wife who behaved like your BM. And it IS difficult for the man as well, trying to keep two women happy, for different reasons. One more thing - start taking a more logical approach over this situation. Men don't respond well to emotion, and the last thing he will want is drama from his ex and then drama from you as well. Where is his peace? His place of safety and security and comfort? Once I stopped fighting with my DH over this issue, and instead gave him a soft place to land after her erratic and aggressive behaviour and attacks, and once I LET GO OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP and helped him build up the self-esteem that she was working so hard to rip to shreds every day, and gave him the strength to believe he COULD have a more peaceful life by being more assertive with her, he started seeing it for himself, and he started changing things. NOT because I wanted him to (and of course I did!), but because I told him that his actions with BM were hurting me and hurting our marriage and family deeply, and I was going to put my faith in him and trust in him to protect us from that and to take care of the situation so that OUR family and marriage could be peaceful, loving and safe. Today, I can promise you, our BM is not an issue in our lives in any way. No tantrums, no threats, no aggression, no phone calls, no 20 text messages a day, no 10 emails a day, no fighting, no drama, no problems. HE is the one who has to do this, but YOU are the one who can make that happen for him. All the best x...See MoreKids mom don't want them around me..fiance won't speak up
Comments (16)All of you ladies are so right!!! I am so thankful I found this forum, to give me the courage to do what I knew inside I needed to do. After my last post to lilysuzanne last night, I sent him a text message (he was at his mom's with is kids). It was around 2:30am... if course I couldn't sleep. The text said basically I couldn't be in this relationship with him any more & I would talk to him in the mornign when he came home. This morning, we had that conversation. I did break up with him. As bad as I hurt, I feel that much more liberated. He kept saying stuff was about his kids, but as I pointed out to him, nothing he said correlated to his children. It was all about him and his fear(s) of committment, "manning up", and DEMONSTRATING his love for me. He referenced the times less than four that he has attempted to do family oriented things with me and his children. He said his son feels uncomfortable because of tension that he feels, and felt 1 or 2 other times when we were all together and his father and I were upset with one another. I reminded him that we have NEVER argued in front of or around his children; not even when we were all the same house. He said, it was "ONE" time his son flet like we were angry with one another and it made him feel uneasy... Now, everytime I am around he (his son) gets that feeling. My answer to that was: 1. The only way to overcome negative feelings is to be consistently positive, and taling advantage of those moments when the opportunity presents itself. 2. The tension his son felt was the uneasiness that we all have being on pins & needles around each other the less than four times I have been around them. Moreover, my BF does nothing to counteract his son's excuses. 3. He knows just like I know, that if a child hears bad things from BioM for years and dad does nothing to counteract the negativity, then the child will feed off of that. He said he knew that I have never done anything to disrespect or hurt his children. His children would respect me in my presence, BUT he needs to make sure that his realtionship with his kids is guarded. He is concerned about how they "view" him. To me, that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Another excuse! His children will always love him. All he has to do is do what is right. We went on and on--- so much was said... but the bottom line was that I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. He agreed that I was a selfLESS person, and had given up a lot. He left the house, but called in 5 minutes trying to confuse me... but I held my ground! He said... "Everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship, and getting closer to the goal of marriage something comes up to step in the way of the plan." I know his goal was to catch me off guard and say to myself, "Self, you are moving too fast. Slow down. He was about to ask you to marry him. Give him a little longer... another chance." Luckily, I could visualize every post on this forum from last night. I almost gagged, that he thought after all we talked about that I should wait one more day to move "closer..." Is he crazy? Wait! Let me answer that... YES! He is CRAZY! 9 years is long enough. THANKS LADIES, and angelz DH (for giving me a man's POV, whiched helps me to seal the deal)....See More- 6 years ago
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