I don't have a solution, just thoughts as you asked. You are very lucky you came to this conclusion now and not after you marry him. If he treats you like that now, how do you think you will be treated when you are married. He will never change. I married mine because he showed no signs of his feelings before we married. He didn't treat me as badly as your friend treats you, but it was still a tough 33 years. I am sure you don't deserve that kind of treatment. Find someone else.

Your fiance has visatation rights ordered by the court.He has the right to do and take his children where he wishes too. She has no say unless it is endangering the children. You are not endangering the children. The key word is he has the "choice" and he is choosing not to allow them around you. You need to find out why? Maybe he wishes to avoud arguing with her . But for you to have a happy healthy marriage this issue must be resolved before you marry.
If your his wife then the kids will be at his home with his wife (you) during his time taking them.

"we just got engaged, and I feel as though I waited as long as I could for that. When we first started dating I told him I wanted to be married and have another child by age 30. That would have been two years after we started dating. As a comprimise we agrred that our goals would agree with my age being 35. I am now 37."

Well, there's your answer.

Sad to say, the clock moves in only one direction.

which, as you say, may be what he's counting on.

Don't "throw good money (years) after bad".

A psychic once told a friend of mine, who couldn't let go of her father who had died, "bless him & let him go".

I think that's a nice thing to do.

If you want another child, adopt, inseminate, whatever.

You'll be better off, & your child will be better off, than if you were tied for life to someone who takes the children of his first (only) marriage swimming at *your* home but won't let them towel off inside the house...& blames it on his ex.

Take back your life & reach out & grasp what you want.

I wish you the best.

You've been with this man for 9 years? His children would have been small when you got together, so their impressions of you were probably formed mostly by what their mother said about you.

May I ask ... did you meet him and begin the relationship while he was still married? Because if that is the case, there is very little chance that his children will ever accept you.

Beyond that, though, is that you must put a higher value on yourself and your dreams. This man knew from the beginning that you wanted a child. It's time for him to put up or shut up. You need to decide what it is you want and then tell him. As in:

"You know I want to have a child. I am 37. You have X months to make the marriage happen and get me pregnant. If, at that time, neither has happened, I'm going to leave this relationship and find someone who meets my needs."

One more thing, on his kids ... If things are bad now, it's going to be worse when they're all teenagers.

lilysuzanne...Thank you for your advice, as well as the rest of you. It is so much appreciated. Lily... in answering your question... No, neither of us were married. I had been divorced for about a year and a half. He had just gotten his divorce finalized when we met. His daughter was a toddler. He and his ex were seperated since his daughter was about 9mo or so.

Also, you are very right... his children's impressions have developed into negative ones over time from their mother. When they were younger, there was very little tension between us. My fiance does nothing worth talking about to counteract that.

I suspect the mom is poisoning her daughter ... telling her that you're the reason for the divorce. That kind of thing is hard to overcome. Kids seem to believe their mother, even when she lies.

Mr. Right would not treat you like this.

Southern is correct. Mr. Right would not treat you like this.

He's had nine years to formulate a plan regarding his relationship with you. He's managed to get you into a commitment, yet he has not made a commitment.

I think it is time to ask him "what is your plan?" Please listen very carefully to what he says. If he is not forthcoming with a plan that clearly outlines the date of wedding, whether or not there will be a baby and how he is going to incorporate his kids into your life, and you are happy with this plan, I'd tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live and that the engagement is off. Pronto. No negotiations. You've given him enough.

Right now, he is wasting your time. You know this. And I know it hurts. It will continue to hurt until you take back your power and take back your life. You deserve more and there are men out there who will give you more. They just can't find you because Mr. Nine Years has had you all tied up in a committed situation that suits only him.

Please keep posting and I wish you the best,
June

The fact that you have been together 9 years and he has not allowed you around the children bothers me. As others pointed out your relationship with the children would have been much easier to establish when they were younger.

If he is not ready to set a wedding date chances are he does not want to be married. You have already used up 9 years of your life, your childbearing life, with this guy. You need to have a heart to heart with him about seeing his kids, setting a wedding date, and having a kid of your own. If he does not change his answers, and stick with the plan, then you need to decide if you are happy as is or if it is time to move on.

Good luck :)

This is my opinion. You deserve better. I would not wait around any longer. Please remember you deserve the best and if he truely loved you he would treat you as the best. I know it is hard, but move on.

You know I asked my DH about this, what would he do if his ex-wife said she didn't want his daughter around me. And pulled the stuff that your BF and his ex were pulling. He told me that if she ever said anything close to that, that he would tell her to go to H*ll and see you in court.

I would never wait 9 years with a man for him to ask me to marry me, I waited nearly 2 and my DH new it was time. We lived together pretty much since day one. They say that you know if the person you are dating could be the one after the first 3 months, that's when the newness where's off. 9 years he should have made a decision long ago and that ring should have been on there. There are underlying issues with this man and you need to come to a realization that either you want to spend the rest of your life like this or move on and find a man who will treat you the way you want and the way you deserve. THAT INCLUDES MARRIAGE AND KIDS!!!!

A true man would never let his ex-wife dictate his life, kids or no kids. As long as you are not a bad person and do not do wrong, there is no reason for this behavior.

Nickirae,

I have some experience with a long-term relationship that I want to share with you. I think at the heart of your problem is a commitment-phobic fiance. I had one of those, too and it lasted for eight years.

Some commitment-phobic men have been married before and divorced and that is why it is so easy for a woman to be fooled. Mine was divorced with no children.

They like the comforts of a long-term relationship, but marriage and a real commitment scares the he** out of them. They do know how to give a woman just enough to keep her "committed" to them, which means she doesn't date others and is committed to the relationship.

All the while, they dance around the issue of making a "real" commitment to the woman and it becomes a real problem for the woman because she is investing her precious time. And time is more precious for a woman than a man because the woman's clock is the one that is ticking.

You've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship. After nine years, you have every right to have a very specific discussion with him about all of the issues you have brought forth to this forum.

If he is a commitment-phobic, he will not want to have this kind of conversation and will try to avoid it. But you need to hear it from him, in his own words. I was about your age when I instigated such a conversation with my significant other. I was pretty sure I knew the answers going into the conversation but I needed to hear it from him. It is best to be prepared and know there is no going back once you do this.

My bf's commitment problem was so severe that while I knew that he did love me, he couldn't find it in himself to give me anything to hang onto. He told me he was happy with the status quo. I wasn't. I ended the relationship that night.

It was very hard. I missed him a lot for months. But I put my life back together and threw myself into my career. It paid dividends. I dated other men. Then, as soon as I was feeling really good, the commitment-phobic ex tries to gain entrance back into my life and he even proposed marriage! By that time, I was no longer in love with him and I just felt sorry for him.

I met my husband about seven years after ending it with Mr. Wrong. I dated quite a bit in-between but I avoided getting overly involved with any man who just wanted to take up my time. They were good years and it felt good to be living my life and having my optins open.

When I met my husband and we started to date, he did everything he could to convince me I should marry him. I'm so glad I waited and I'm glad I married him. It was too late for me to have children, but my husband told me that he would be willing to adopt with me if I wanted a child. He has two grown daughters.

I decided I'm ok without kids, but the fact that my husband he was willing to go to the length of adoption if I wanted that, reminds me once again that he is indeed Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong never would have made that offer because he only really thought about himself.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best,
June

All of you ladies are so right!!! I am so thankful I found this forum, to give me the courage to do what I knew inside I needed to do. After my last post to lilysuzanne last night, I sent him a text message (he was at his mom's with is kids). It was around 2:30am... if course I couldn't sleep. The text said basically I couldn't be in this relationship with him any more & I would talk to him in the mornign when he came home.

This morning, we had that conversation. I did break up with him. As bad as I hurt, I feel that much more liberated. He kept saying stuff was about his kids, but as I pointed out to him, nothing he said correlated to his children. It was all about him and his fear(s) of committment, "manning up", and DEMONSTRATING his love for me.

He referenced the times less than four that he has attempted to do family oriented things with me and his children. He said his son feels uncomfortable because of tension that he feels, and felt 1 or 2 other times when we were all together and his father and I were upset with one another. I reminded him that we have NEVER argued in front of or around his children; not even when we were all the same house. He said, it was "ONE" time his son flet like we were angry with one another and it made him feel uneasy... Now, everytime I am around he (his son) gets that feeling.

My answer to that was: 1. The only way to overcome negative feelings is to be consistently positive, and taling advantage of those moments when the opportunity presents itself. 2. The tension his son felt was the uneasiness that we all have being on pins & needles around each other the less than four times I have been around them. Moreover, my BF does nothing to counteract his son's excuses. 3. He knows just like I know, that if a child hears bad things from BioM for years and dad does nothing to counteract the negativity, then the child will feed off of that.

He said he knew that I have never done anything to disrespect or hurt his children. His children would respect me in my presence, BUT he needs to make sure that his realtionship with his kids is guarded. He is concerned about how they "view" him.

To me, that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Another excuse! His children will always love him. All he has to do is do what is right. We went on and on--- so much was said... but the bottom line was that I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. He agreed that I was a selfLESS person, and had given up a lot. He left the house, but called in 5 minutes trying to confuse me... but I held my ground!

He said... "Everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship, and getting closer to the goal of marriage something comes up to step in the way of the plan." I know his goal was to catch me off guard and say to myself, "Self, you are moving too fast. Slow down. He was about to ask you to marry him. Give him a little longer... another chance." Luckily, I could visualize every post on this forum from last night. I almost gagged, that he thought after all we talked about that I should wait one more day to move "closer..." Is he crazy? Wait! Let me answer that... YES! He is CRAZY! 9 years is long enough.

THANKS LADIES, and angelz DH (for giving me a man's POV, whiched helps me to seal the deal).

You are right.
Just talk.

You did the right thing.

I know this was hard, but you know it, too.
You did the right thing.

There are better days ahead, and you have lots of
great experiences in your future. Get out there
and find it.

Nickirae,

I'm sorry because I know it hurts right now. You did do the right thing.

It is interesting that you said his conversation was "mumbo jumbo". When I had the "conversation" with my commitment-phobic bf years ago, his part of the conversation resembled "mumbo jumbo", too.

I think that is because they really have nothing to say for themselves. They know very well that they've taken advantage of someone who has loved them and deep in their hearts they do not blame you for leaving.

Be good to yourself and if you feel doubtful about what has occurred, come back and read what you've written here.

Best wishes,
June

Jumping in late but thrilled that you made this decision. The fine ladies on this board all gave outstanding advice. Nine years is WAY too long. They were some of the best years for settling down and having a child. HOWEVER - all things happen for a reason. There is a reason you found us, a reason you posted, and a reason you finally had the courage to take what you've probably long sensed was the right path.

I had my kids at 36, 38, and 40 - all are healthy as horses, so don't you worry too much about the number just yet. Many of my friends have had their healthy babies even later than I did. I have a feeling you've been emotionally and physically off the market, and the right guy is just waiting for the opportunity. Don't go searching, it will happen, but do not count anyone out. I once heard that if you give everyone who wants a chance, a chance to date you, you will find the one in a year. My DH looked terribly mismatched for me on paper - never did I dream I'd marry him. He's 19 yrs. older than me, had been in a state of financial ruin (though lots of rebuilding power as we are both dentists), had three kids, etc. I've only recently fallen in love w/ him again, lol, after some pretty serious stepkid issues, but we've been together for 10 years. So, don't count anyone out based on how they look on paper, but be smart.

Oh, and keep your distance from your ex. He will try to emotionally keep attached to you, but distance is the only thing that will help you get over it fast. Don't worry about the 'wasted' time. It was time very well worth the lesson - it prevented you from making a lifelong mistake. Besides, even if he did propose, would you really want him to do so to 'keep you' and not because he truly wanted marriage? I think not. I had a friend once in that position who said, "I had wanted marriage for so long then one day I realized that I didn't want to live life knowing the only reason he asked was because I was threatening to leave!" She found her now DH of fifteen + years a year later.

Good luck,
Dana