My Mom died in June of 1989 so we had several months to get used to her being gone before Christmas rolled around. My oldest sister decided it would be best if we all went to her house for Christmas (in a different town). So the entire family went, all my brothers and sisters and my Dad. I was 24 at the time and not married, there was only 1 grandchild so it wasn't too big of a crowd for her. I suppose her idea was to get our minds off Mom and our sadness of being in our home without her.

I lost my family in an auto accident several years ago. I dont do christmas but i volunteer to work so those with families can be with their loved ones.For me the first and fifth years were the roughest.

My mother died on Thanksgiving a year ago--so I know exactly what you're going through, and we're just reaching the end of that first year, ourselves--with this past Thanksgiving being the first one Mom didn't share with us.

You're definitely doing the right thing. Try to uphold the traditions, keep family close.

To be honest, last Christmas is really a bit of a blur to me, but we did all get together, exchange gifts, share a meal. One thing we did--don't know if it would be a good idea for you or not. Mom's birthday was the end of January. In the month or so after she died, I mainly concentrated on getting the 'big' stuff done--getting the apt. cleared out, getting the major financial stuff sorted, etc. We still hadn't gone through her photos or good jewelry. We had a nice family dinner around mom's birthday. We went through the photos--enjoying the happy memories they brought. I set out her good jewelry and we took turns picking our favorite pieces--with each one reminding us of some little story of Mom. I'd go ahead, and have some sort of get-together around your mom's b'day, to honor her memory.

Let me just add here, though, there's another stage of the bereavement process that I don't hear discussed. This is now the second year since her death. The first year, everyone worked hard to maintain the 'old' family traditions. This year, however, I find that some are beginning to fall away from family. One sister decided to travel this past Thanksgiving (that was our 'first' TG, actually). Another decided that she wanted to stay home for Christmas (we'll be having our big family get-together next Sunday). And I'm a little guilty, too--have been invited to one sister's for Christmas dinner, but I begged off--mainly because DH is having a biopsy this week, on top of working overtime for the past several weeks. He just wants to spend a quiet day at home--which I can understand, and we will all be getting together next weekend. Perhaps that won't happen in your case, since your dad is still there--but without Mom, I find the family dynamics have changed quite a bit--and in some ways, that's even more noticeable this year than last.

Lastly, let me send along my condolences on the loss of your mom. No matter when it happens, it's a rough thing to go through. At least we both know our parents enjoyed a relatively long, and full life. Thank goodness for that.

OKwriter, I'm sorry for your loss and your sadness. If it helps, remember she is still with you in spirit, looking down on you. This is the first with out our son, Brian. Now he lived in CA & we are in MN, so we didn't have him in our every-day life. It will be hard for his Widow because she said he was the one who always made Christmas a special day. They found each other late in life and were together only 8 yrs. She said she was glad she has to work on Christmas this year, so she will be busy. (((((((Hugs to all KTers going through 'firsts')))))) Dottie

The first Christmas after my mother passed away was very quiet - just me and my dad. We went to a family friend's home on Christmas Eve and to the minister's home for Christmas dinner, which was great because there were children at both places and they were very distracting for my dad. It was different from our usual Christmas in every way but it would have been much harder if we had just stayed home and moped. Mom loved Christmas so there was no thought of not celebrating Christmas - she would have been appalled. She believed in celebration. Her life motto was "If there is going to be a ______ (wedding, Christmas, birthday, etc.), then let there be a ________ (wedding, Christmas, birthday, etc.)". When you think about it, it is a very life-affirming way to live.

Oh, Rita, I'm so sorry. My dad died in May of 2001, so when Christmas rolled around my mom and I planned and fixed Christmas "dinner" (lunch!) at her house. All of the kids and grandkids were there and it was a good day. My family has a way of trying to ignore the elephant in the room to keep anyone else from getting upset, etc. (It basically drives me crazy...but I digress.....) When everyone started leaving and the house was quiet for the first time it was just Twinkie, Mama and me there. I turned and looked at my mom and said, "Well, we did it!" She said, "We sure did!" And then we both dissolved into tears and just held each other.

Not a lot of advice, except just take the day as it comes. If you feel like laughing over something funny - it's okay. If a memory brings some tears, well, so be it. I figure your mom was sure worth them and would totally understand.

Blessings to you and to your family in this holiday season.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Rita.
My first wife and I were married on Dec. 27th. She loved Christmas and would be as excited as the kids as it got close. That's one of the reasons we chose to get married right after Christmas. The church was decorated for Christmas yet. It was beautiful. We had 16 years together. She died on Dec. 30th. That last Christmas with her was in a hospital room 250 miles from our home. Dear friends of ours hauled all 5 kids and all their presents to the hospital for us. This was 12 years ago, and it's still a tough time of year. But, life goes on; try to maintain the "usual" holiday traditions.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ron

I'm sorry for your loss and for all others on thie forum who have lost loved ones during the past year. It is going to be hard and there's really no getting around that. It's OK to grieve at the Holidays and other special days. You'll always miss them.

This will be my second Christmas without my mother. The first year we all tried so hard to recognize the loss and do special things to remember her. Her ornaments were in prominent places on the tree, her best dishes were on the table for the Christmas meal, etc. We celebrated her life in everything we did last year. This year the family can't all get together and we aren't doing some of the special things we did last year. And I'm finding that I miss her even more this year.

My sisters DH just died on the 11th of this month and she's really having a tough time with the holidays coming up. Her DH would have been 64 on Christmas day. We're all trying to do what we can for her.

Thank you.
Thank you all.

For everyone in our family, the tears are still right on the surface, and they bubble up frequently. We just try to help each get through those moments, whether it is by sharing a hug or sharing a good cry.

I know we will get through this. I guess I'm just a little emotional because the ache is so fresh and because I know it's going to be a hard day.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences. It truly has helped.

Like Solstice said, you'll always miss them. There's a hole in the circle. My dad died on November 2nd, 1997. I try to picture him and his smile, and his voice as he'd open presents from us. I'm tearing up now as I type this.
Like has been said, don't try to ignore the elephant in the room. Share your fondest/funniest memories you all had together. Laugh, or cry, either is okay.
(((for those who are having their 1st, 5th, or 25th 1st this year)))
Leslie

Okwriter and others, sorry to read of your losses......I've posted here occasionally in the past, and have shared that my 13 year old daughter passed away in 2005. So this is our 4th holiday season without her.
I facilitate bereavement groups and just finished teaching various classes on preparing for the holidays at my church. My biggest thing is making plans but having escape routes. If something becomes overwhelming, it needs to be OK with everyone present if you need to leave the room, go for a walk, etc. I've discovered if I have planned an escape route, I often don't need to use it. Planning prevents panicky feelings for me.
Your ideas of maintaining some old traditions while starting some new ones is excellent! I like what Azzalea says about going through pictures, don't let the person become the "elephant in the room", some people will want to avoid talking about their loved ones because they are afraid of crying, but it's so healing to cry and it really honors your loved one and the relationship you had with them when you do! It's important to cry when you need to vs allowing the tears to build up.
Finally, admitting it's going to be hard is huge......but if you've planned, you might find that the anticipation of the day was harder than the actual day.

I've had to leave stores in tears this year, because this will be my first Christmas without my dad. There are so many things that are difficult with him not here, but Christmas really drives it home. My daughters and I were frosting sugar cookies last night when one of them remarked how they were always Papa's favorites . . . and how he waited for me to bring them; it was a pretty somber cookie session after that.

His favorite night was always Christmas Eve . . . from the time I was little, I remember how he loved everybody together for a loud and boisterous celebration - with a table filled with "only-on-Christmas hors'devours". There was a main meal, but his special joy was the hors'devours table. We will continue that tradition until the end of time . . . but this year it will have a big empty hole in it.

Best wishes and strength to everyone who carries on this holiday without their special loved ones.

It gets easier Rita....the passing of time takes away most of the hurt. Six years ago today, my son Christopher was stabbed to death during an attempted robbery. He was 25. The tree was up, gifts were in place and grandchildren expected Christmas to go on as planned. It was the hardest time of my life. It is hard to "carry-on" for the sake of the young ones when it feels as if your very heart has been torn from your body. I spent Christmas Eve that year choosing a casket and flowers for my son. But,we had Christmas and we made it through....and with the help of family and friends we survived. Sometimes it is still a tearful time for me but I can look back now at some of the antics my son pulled when he was a youngster and I can laugh....and I laugh a lot. He never leaves my memory Rita (and I hope he never does) but my memories aren't soaked in tears Rita....they are chock-full of laughter....hearty, wonderful laughter. Merry Christmas to you....and to every one else. Peace and Blessings to you all....

~Kathy~

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading all these beautiful posts. I lost both my parents in 2000, and the first Christmas was extremely difficult. The ONLY thing that kept my sanity was the fact that our family is very close, and we spend every Christmas Eve together, just like we did when our parents were here with us. My parent's always told us that your siblings are the most important family you will ever have, and as we look back, they were so right.
Surround yourself with family; keep up traditions; talk about your Mom and discuss anything that makes you laugh or cry about her. She is surely looking down on you, and she would only want to see you and your family happy.
Have a blessed, comforting Christmas.

When someone in my family dies (even a dog) I buy or make a Christmas ornament with their name and hang it front and center on my Christmas tree. I have a lot of "names" up there now. The latest was my MIL in 2005. It gives me comfort and reminds me the person's spirit is always with us. Wishing you a warm and blessed Christmas.

What wonderful stories. I especially love Angela's idea of making plans that include an escape route. (I agree - if you have it, it's more likely you won't need it. Just having it calms some of the panic.) I like Jannie's idea of memorial ornaments, too.

The first year without my mom was really hard. My brother became estranged from the family after her death, my sister didn't want to do anything for Christmas because (I figured out) it felt disloyal to her to continue having fun and celebrating without Mom. My Dad was always difficult, and much needier than usual. I wanted to continue with at least some of the traditions my mom had started because I feel that living fully is a tribute to those who have taught you to do it.

We compromised. We had no tree, but I strung lights around the living room for a bit of decoration. We had a low-key dinner with my favorite cousins and we talked a lot about Mom ... "Oh, Mom *hated* that cake that Aunt Irene always made." "Remember how she would put up those awful Christmas cat ornaments?"

It sort of kept Mom with us, at least in spirit. I wish the best to those who are mourning loved ones this year.

The first year is hard. Literally everything you do is doing it without the loved one--even that first trip to the grocery store.

My mother was 80 and lived a long active life. Even though my heart aches missing her even now, her time had come and she was taken from her pain and suffering. I just keep her memory close at heart, thinking how mom would have liked this or that, what would mom say about this, etc.

Best wishes.

Susan

Rita, I understand. I've lost both my parents, and all my sisters and brothers. I am the last of my immediate family. The memories help us get through these times.

My DH died on December 16th; the funeral was December 19th. This was many years ago, but that first Christmas almost didn't happen. He had been very ill and I had done nothing to prepare for Christmas, but then I realized if I didn't "do" Christmas that year, I would never want to do it again.

Two days before Christmas, I took my 2 grands (age 10 and 14) and went Christmas shopping for family. The next day I took my DD and we shopped for the grands. Then I put the tree up in the window and turned on the lights.

My neighbor across the street called and told me how glad she was to see the tree in the window. She said she knew then that I would be alright and that the family would have Christmas, and that made her Christmas better.

Her call made me realize that what we do has an impact on other people. I had done what I felt like had to be done if Life was going to be anything near "normal" again. And that brought a ray of light to someone else also.

This will be the 26th Christmas without my DH, and family still gets together, even though I have to juggle times and places because of additions to the family. And the tears still flow when that elephant appears. Like now, as I type this.

We live in the present and look to the future, while remembering and honoring the past.

Time does heal, even though slowly.

Christmas Blessings to everyone.

Sue

I was thinking about you and this exact topic last week. There really is nothing I can say that will make it better for you, that's why it's called grief. Just know that it is survivable and maybe next year it won't hurt so much.
I am tearing up just thinking about losing my mom over eight years ago... I still miss her terribly, particularly this time of year.
Just hang tough... Your Dad need you.

Just yesterday would have been my Dad's birthday although he's been gone for many, many years, we still miss him...My Mom passed in June of 1999 and every holiday, there is a larage void..Mom always had the big family meals but we would eat early because she always volunteered to work the evening shift so younger nurses could be home with their family...I don't think a day goes by I don't think about her, I'll often think or say, Boy would Mom laugh at that or something like that....Time does help, but you never, and if you're like me, want to forget......

I'm not sure how I am going to get through this first Christmas without my DH. MY DIL and her family had their gathering at my house (my son, DIL and grandchildren are moving in) this past Saturday and that was very hard for me. It was hard enough getting through our anniversary (December 18th).

I am going to start seeing a psychiarist (sp??) tonight, so maybe that will help somewhat.

Sheryl - NJ

My mom died when I was 12. I was one of 4 children, the middle girl. To honor her at the holidays and all year long, we lived as we knew she would want us to live. Worked to achieve, tried our best to be kind, kept our family home as she would have, and cooked together as sheer novices to make a first holiday meal for our father and brother. In a day of few cookbooks, we made the turkey at Thanksgiving with all the trimmings. We cooked pies, dressing, turkey, vegetables, salad and potatoes. We did use canned cranberry sauce, but everything else was from scratch. For Christmas, we cooked another family favorite--prime rib roast of beef, Yorkshire pudding, gravy and the trimmings.

Being busy making our home a warm place to be as a family was healing and kept us distracted from the pervasive sadness of children who lose their mother whom they adored. We shopped for the family gifts, wrapped them and decorated the house with the decorations Mom had collected over the years.

We also reminded ourselves so many times that death is part of life, that life goes on, and that she would have wanted us to work together to make a family holiday for all our sakes.

Death is part of life and either our loved ones will leave us first, or we will leave them first. I watched my maternal grandmother in disbelief that her daughter would preceed her.

It has been over 55 years, and I still miss her dearly. Death and grieving are all part of life. And my good fortune was that I had such a wonderful mother that I do still miss her. We all do.

A yearly habit I've gotten into, regarding those close to me who have passed, is to light a candle for them at Christmas dinner, then encourage everyone to share their memories of them. I've found that most people appreciate the lead in to talk about the people they miss the most.

Just a thought....
Laurel

Many years ago, my MIL died 3 days (actually on the 22) and it was the first year she had completed all her Christmas shoping We went on because that is what she would have wanted us to do. All the relatives met at my place and we talked about the fun we had had over the years and the sad events also. Lots of kids, spilled stuff, arguments, tears, laughter and we all survived.

((((((Rita))))))) And actually everyone else who is missing someone this holiday season ((((((((to all of you))))))).

Rita, you're doing a better job of it than we are doing. Ever since my brother's GF died 5 1/2 years ago, we have failed miserably, not a single one of us can work up the energy to do a single thing regarding Christmas or much else, either. It's like all the fun is gone for us, we miss her so much. (And she'd be so mad at us, too, we know that, but it's not enough to light a fire under us. There are no children to force us to do it.)

So do what you can, enjoy what you can and shed a few tears when you feel like you need to. And come to us when you need more hugs than you get at home, 'cause sometimes friend hugs are just the best. (((((Rita)))))

OKwriter and all who have lost loved ones, I am so sorry. This is a great thread for those of us who share this pain - it gives us a place to grieve.

My dear husband died of pancreatic cancer on April 17, 2007. EVERY DAY is painful for me, but I try to stay busy. So far, I have spent the holidays alone - I prefer to do so. By being in solitude, I can then find the peace I need by 'talking' with him and just being grateful for the time we had together - 20 years.

My Dad died December 20 2005 and it still hurts. That first Christmas was really just blur that we went through. It does get easier every year, but we still miss him dearly. He loved Christmas and was always a happy man. Bless you and may God give you peace this Christmas.

I lost my mom June 17th. 2005. Her birthday is Oct. 23rd. The first birthday and holidays were very hard. I bought a clear glass angel that has a place in the back, where you put a tea light candle. I call it my memory angel. On speacial days thru out the year. I burn a candle in Memory of my mom. That seems to help me get thru the hard days.
Im really sorry for your loss. I know you are hurting so bad.
Just know your mom is around you. ((((((hugs)))))))

Rita (and all the others who've suffered losses) hope that writing (and reading) these posts brings you some insight and some comfort into the hard job of grieving someone you loved.

((Rita and the KTers))

I lost my mom Nov 20th this year and I feel like I've lost my world. I just take it one day at a time now. We haven't done anything for Christmas since before my dad passed in 2006.

We used to have wonderful Christmas dinners. But we have lost our dad, SIL, older DB and now mom, so Christmas is gonna be bittersweet this year.

I would love to just stay in bed all day, but don't see that happening. I know there will be lots of tears, but I will remember each of them in there own little way.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and safe Holidays. Patty

This will be my 4th Christmas without my firstborn son. I do the best I can to enjoy the day with my second son and his family but there are still moments of intense grief because Glenn is not at the table with us. As Laurel suggested, I have always lit a candle at my place on the table for my boy. I don't make a fuss about it, but close family know why it is there. He loved Christmas and although it is made with many tears, I still make his favourite trifle and think of how he enjoyed it. Our first Christmas without him was very difficult but we did it for his little boy. One thing I did was to make ornaments from beads and gold wire in the shape of stars and hearts with Glenn's name shaped into them and they go on our trees each year. Having an escape route is a must when emotions overflow but your family will all needs lots of hugs, times to talk about your mother and Christmas memories. Tears are necessary to ease the pressure a little and your Mum will be close beside you on your birthday and very proud of her family. Beth

Such thoughtful posts...you all will never know how much your personal stories mean to me.

I'm so sorry for those who are hurting as I am. I was always sad to hear that someone had lost a loved one, but I've never had one this close to home and couldn't possibly have imagined how badly it would hurt..

Ladonna, I love the idea of a candle. I should buy one and get one for my sisters, too. And I appreciate all of the other advice and observations. Knowing so many of you have gotten through it gives me strength to know that I can, too.

Hugs to all of you ~

I have no suggestions for you, just lots and lots of hugs.

Tami

This will be the 3rd Christmas without my mom. I still can't really get into the spirit, but we try. And I try to remember how many great Christmas's we had together. Even though my mom was blind the last 15 years of her life she always was excited to have the tree up and decorations all around. It really buoys my spirit to think how she would do all that and not be able to see any of it. If she could be that brave, and she would tell me she wasn't brave, wasn't special, wasn't a good mom....I would argue back that she indeed was all of those things. I have had many signs from her that are just so incredible that I know there is another side and we will all be together again in a wonderful, joyous place.

May everybody who has been so kind in sharing your warmhearted stories do your best to remember the good times, make some new memories and remember the true meaning of the season.

Duane

My dad just passed Dec. 6th (08) and I am feeling a huge ball of emotion every second of every day. He was my best friend, my inspiration, my strength and so much more. I can not fathom the holiday without him, I decided to not travel to my parents, but rather stay home with my fiance alone and do nothing. I have not even had time to prepare for Christmas, he passed on the 6th and was not layed to rest until the 11th, we left to travel back to our home on the 12th and I had to return to work immediately and have not had a day off since I returned. We have children, mine are 16 and nearly 18 and his are just 4 and 9...problem is I am being ridiculed for not celebrating Christmas tomorrow and Thursday. I did however concede to having all of our kids and my mother and brother in to my home next week and we would do something for the children, I will try to muster up the energy to do some shopping, I suppose. As I sit here and type this the shirt he was wearing when he passed lays right here beside me (so I can pick it up and smell him on it) on the desk as well as his funeral home memory card and several pictures. How do I get through this holiday season? I feel guilty to celebrate without him, nor can it ever be the same. What do I do? HELP!

Daddysgirl,

My heart is breaking for you. Those first few weeks after my mom died in October, I just cried all the time. Plus I developed a horrible case of bronchitis and couldn't sleep. I couldn't even function...so you are my hero for at least going back to work! But I know how dreadful it is to live in that "fog" right after it happens -- the shock of losing someone and feeling that it is fo unfair.

Please don't let what anyone says hurt your feelings too badly. You just do what you feel like you can do (or want to do)...and let the rest of it go.

It's hard for me, but your loss was so very recent that I know it must doubly hard for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings! I had no choice to come back to work, I have a funeral to pay for and we were in the process of moving when this happened and so much more! I am SO totally OVERWHELMED right now with losing my best friend AND life in general!

A Hero I am not...it is all I can do to get through the days here at work! I lock the door and cry a lot! It's just hard right now and I have so many questions and so many thoughts run through my mind at one time that it's like a super highway in there.

Somedays I question my sanity because people act like I am over dramatizing. Did/Do you feel this way?

I still feel that way. My mom had bypass surgery and spent a week in the hospital before she died---but we had no clue she had such health problems before her sudden hospitalization! For the first few weeks after she died, I was torn between wishing she was still alive and being thankful she wasn't in that hospital on a ventilator being pumped full of drugs. Then I would question, "Why did we let her have that surgery?" or "Why didn't the doctors do this instead of that?" And I missed her so much, I wanted to just DIE so I could be with her.

People who think you are overly dramatic haven't ever lost someone close. I worried that people would think I should just "get over it" and move on, but everyone has been pretty good about it so far. I figure they can get used to it, coz I am not a good pretender and I can't hold back. When I need to bawl, it just comes out, and really---I think that's healthy.

(And yeah, I'm still getting caught up from hospital/funeral/missing work bills, too. *sigh*)

OK, my dad was here today, gone tomorrow, although he had suffered with emphysema for 15 years and most recently 2.5 years of lung cancer. I talked to him on the phone on Friday evening and when I called at 9am on Saturday morning to talk to him, mom said he was still sleeping, that he had had a rough morning and she was checking on him and he was fine, just tired. She and I talked for a while and she went and checked on him and said he is still sleeping at 10 I insisted that she wake him up so he did not get too off schedule with his breathing treatments and morning meds. She went in with me on the phone and said called to him, "Hey hun" and he did not respond, she called to him a couple times and then said Oh my God Nic I think he is gone, I immediately collapsed to my knees and said No over and over. The paramedic and the desperate daughter in me took over and I told her to check for a pulse and see if he is breathing she just kept saying Oh God No he is gone he is gone! It tore my insides out! I told her to start CPR to shake him to make him wake up do something he can't leave yet. It was too late and don't get me wrong, for HIM, I am thankful that he went in his sleep. And I hurt for you and your family and what you endured in those last days! May God Bless you and all of your family!

I'm so sorry about your Mom - and about everyone else going through this. It is so wonderful though to have this Forum to talk about these things. When my DD passed, I didn't even know about "firsts", until someone told me that the anxious feelings I was having at certain times during that first year, was my feeling her loss. I called her a Holiday Baby because she was born on the first of the year of the US bicentennial, and died on the US birthday. I still get anxious around New Year's because I keep thinking I'm supposed to do something for her. Then I end up going to the cemetary on the 2nd. Seems as though I have that, "it wasn't so bad" feeling and can then go do what I have to do. It's been a lot of years now, and with each year, it gets so much better. I meet people like yourself that are still going through the "firsts", and I just feel blessed that I survived that. It is VERY important to continue the traditions - to continue the celebrations. As the years go by, they will tend to become ways to share your Mom's life to the generations that follow. They need to know her and family traditions are a great venue for doing just that. Talking about your Mom amongst the family is an important release as well.

Hugs to you as you go through this. Have faith that Mom is still with you, and smiling that the family is still going strong.