Sorry Paloma, your husband is still being dictated to by his ex, and believe it or not, that is the choice he has made.

Do you really want to go along being the servant for those two? You aren't married, so what is stopping you? You have been in therapy for a few years before you even met this man, so maybe you have some things to work out without him?

You are a good person and this situation just sounds more like work than living.

Colleen is right. Marriage is a partnership and he isn't being a partner to you. I wouldn't even consider marrying him if I were you.

I don't think it's uncommon for men to do things to keep peace. But, when he won't do things to keep peace with you, then that tells you where his loyalty is, more than words can. My husband never refused to do things for me, but when he went out of his way (complaining to me the whole time) to do things his daughter's mom wanted, I finally told him to stop complaining to me. He can say no. Once, when she needed a ride from where he worked (a car dealership where she was having her oil changed on her truck) and she declined the dealership's shuttle service and waited for him to give her a ride on his lunch break, I told him "hmm, does that mean if I need a ride and you are at work, I should call my ex BF?" He didn't like that plan. He realized that if she could ask for 'favors' that had nothing to do with their child, then it was fair game for me to ask my ex's for 'favors' too. It never happened again. In fact, he finally told her to stop calling him at work all the time. She did, but then she started dropping in to 'talk'. Then, he had to tell her to send him an email if it concerns their child.

I'd love to give you uplifting advice, but I think that you have to stand up for yourself. We teach people how to treat us and if you allow him to treat you this way, then you don't have anything to complain about. I don't know what issues you have been in therapy for, but you should take care of yourself first. If he's an anchor to you, then you have to cut him loose.

and PS. You don't have free laundry. It may not be $1.50 per load like in a laundromat, but you do pay for soap, hot water and electricity. It's NOT free. (but it is for her, especially if she doesn't even have to fold)

is he just washing the kids laundry or is he washing her laundry as well?..... wait ...scratch... that it doesnt matter whose laundry it is... she should be taking care of her own household chores. You can bet your bottom dollar that about the time my DH starts bringing home his exs laundry to do is about the time I check out of the marriage. (not that this would happen but still) That is really ridiculous.

And I am going to have to go with IMA stand up for yourself girl. Don't let someone treat you like that. I have always thought that the person that you are with should bring out the best in you and vice versa ... if you are becoming a person who just feels like crying half the time, feels angry and frustrated ... where exactly is he bringing out the best in you and more importantly how can you be the least bit happy if that is how you feel all of the time. I personally hate the word ultimatum ...but I think now is the time for one. Either things change like now or I am out. No more laundry ... no more ridiculous extras that in all reality are a little inappropriate and no more treating his ex better than he treats you. You and his daughter should be his priority ... not his ex daughter then you. Your household together and the things that need to be done to maintain that household should be taken care of and worked together. If he can't do that ... if you don't wake up in the morning looking forward to the day and being with him in your home together then it is simply not the right place for you to be.

Thanks for all those replies. Yes, imamommy, you said "if he is anchor to you, you have to cut him loose." He is more like a dead weight. I now have learned from practice that sometimes relationships can hold you back. BIG-TIME!

I feel that I have been communicating all of what you have said above, to my bf, but it meets deaf ears. He gets angry and frustrated. He feels caught between these women who all want something from him and he fails like a failure for most part. That's the essence of most conversations we have had. Well I acknowledge what he says and explain how I feel. Then he says he gets it, apologizes, promises to work on it, but then nothing happens. Marriage fantasies are long gone, it's just matter of how to deal with it until my lease goes up. You are right he IS choosing to be serving his ex and her needs, not caring about our future. Yes, I see it. So sad...

paloma, you *are* enabling him.

If you weren't there shouldering the entire burden of his household, he'd have to do it himself, & *that's* what would make him change his routine.

You don't want to enable a disfunctional system, you don't like it, but you are doing it.

& you're the only one who'll stop or change what's going on:

BF has no reason to change anything on your account;
he has no consequences from you no matter what, while he does have consequences to fear, or at least to deal with, from his daughter's mother.

It's easier to impose on you & to use you than it is to negotiate with his ex, & she's the mother of his child, so that's the way it's gonna be.

No matter how bad it hurts, the only way to stop it is to...
stop it.

The fact that you have to ask for help, & the fact that he "helps" reluctantly & poorly, tells you that he isn't going to treat you like you're anybody important, that your role in his life is to make things easier for him in his "real" life with his ex & their daughter, & that winning & control are important to him & your happines & quality of life are not;
it tells you that he views relationships in terms of winning/losing & of control.

ex is winning, so he's losing with her, but at least he's got you under control, so at least he's winning somewhere...
& you're losing.

I'm afraid that if you stay in the relationship, you'll be the loser for the rest of your life.

The real "relationship" or marriage or partnership is between him & his daughter's mother, & both of them are using you-
you're the live-in help that enables both of them to continue their disfunctional relationship without the stress of actually living together.

It will not get better;
it will get much much worse, & you'll eventually be too exhausted & worn down to get out, & your self-confidance will be *gone*.

Get out now.

I wish you the best.

ps: a word about "having a talk" with him.

This kind of person will always "promise" to "try".

& he'll be a little better for a little while,
but things always revert to his old pattern.

It's similar to abuse in that respect.

When an abuser's victim finally cannot bear any more & decides to leave (or to file charges, or whatever), the abuser always acts remorseful & "promises" to do better, & the victim believes him, & she returns home with him, & things are better for a little while, & then the ordinary stresses in the abuser's life build up & he takes it out on her again.
& again.
& again.

It stops when she gets away & stays away.

Take care of yourself.