Oops-- sorry that this is OT! I was just in OT side, so I am not sure how I got back here! Wish we could delete posts!

I think it's strange that she doesn't respond but have you tried calling her on the phone? I think that's what I would do.

I have a feeling your friend would do the same thing whether it was in person or over the phone. I don't think technology can be blamed. I say this because I have a friend who did the same thing to me constantly, but would call to cancel plans she had instigated. I just found out that her husband, who has always had mental health issues, had been going over the top for years and her cancelling was because she couldn't leave him alone. Unlike me, she has a hard time telling people her life was in such chaos (I'll blab to anyone who'll listen when I'm under stress) so she just stayed home and tried to deal with it herself. She's since made her husband leave the home and she now makes many more of dates but still does cancel occasionally - I think part of it is just who she is. I guess what I'm saying is that you should confront your friend and say (without anger) what you perceive her behaviour as and how it makes you feel. Maybe there are other things going on with her or maybe she just needs someone to tell her that her actions affect others negatively (but in a nice way so that she can change rather than react resentfully).

anele: I understand your frustration. I've found that if I set a date and time, then say "see you then" people are usually more responsive (myself included). I recently started a mom's group and there have been several times when I just didn't feel like going to the event, but since other mom's rsvp'ed that they would be there I follow through with my commitment. I'm always glad that I went, even if the morning was chaotic and it would have just been easier to play at home with the kids!

Technology aside, I think people no longer respect other people's time the way they should. I would feel awful if I committed to doing something and then skipped it. To me, it would be like telling the other people that I do not value their time and the things they may have given up in order to make time for me.

Technology is absolutely teaching our children NOTHING about how to properly interact. I think work places are going to be very frustrated by the personalities they find in future workers. My son went off to college with assurance from his parents that dorm life would be different than High School. Everyone on their own, needing to make friends the adolescent clicks and judging would be a thing of the past. Gosh was I WRONG. He found dorm rooms shut, students inside texting, facebooking or playing video games. He had a heck of a time getting these young people to interact with him , a REAL LIVE PERSON! His dorm assistants didn't even bother to try and plan activities, like back in the day. No one would come. It took until after Christmas when these young people went home and found technology didn't "hold their places" until my son could find other young people ready to venture out. For all its convenience technology is not making better people out of its users!! But I agree, I don't think your friend's problem is technology.

It isn't only the kids that find interacting to be SO different or nonexistent.

On my 2 month cycling ride last year we spent each evening at dinner time and then after talking around the picnic table...amongst ourselves and with other cyclists. Every evening we had this really nice social time. We also talked throughout the day as be biked and at mealtime . We were all 60 and older...one gal was 40 and joined us late and did do more "texting" .

Fast forward to this years' trip. Whew....everyone but me had a cell phone out every minute of every day and/or they wore their earphones and listened to music while riding. At every single stop...even if only for a few minutes let alone a meal everyone else was latched onto the screen and texting to someone and checking email. At meals in restaurants forget conversation...I watched the others stare at the screen. As soon as dinner was over ..in to the tent they went...one had a note pad ( I think that is what the little computer is called) and they would text and communicate with others who weren't here. All 50 and older.

I was so left out...hated the lack of interaction and felt like this "group" really missed what the whole experience was supposed to be about. Oh well....

My DH says that the students at the U were like this every second of every day while he taught. He retired a year ago May.

My one son says that his " friends " get mad if they are not responded to w/in seconds after they text him..." HELLO "...he works for gosh sakes ! He has opted out now and no longer has FaceBook or any other social network. He is meditating and living his own personal life the way he sees fit. He is SO much calmer and happier. Can really see the difference.

Face to face interactions can be messy and hard and rewarding and difficult and the best thing that has ever happened to a person. But they take thought and action and time...something that a lot of folks purport not to have ...time...actually we all have the same amount every day...it is how we allot it that matters.

Glad you posted this....really good thread. c

I'm really bad with technology and kind of feel like I'm in the wrong decade. I own a cell phone but I never have it with me. I keep it in the van so I'll have it in case I need it. "Needing it" for me would be something like getting a flat tire.

I'm guilty about not responding to emails. But not to the extent described in your OP. It's not intentional but when I sit at my computer, I tend to be nursing the baby or one of my other kids call me away before I can respond and then I forget. I also have been dealing with ongoing thyroid issues that effects my memory and concentration. So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt -- not knowing what else may be going on in their life. That said, I always answer the phone when people call my home phone and I follow through with scheduled play dates.

I wish I could shield my kids from it all but I know the day will come when they are going to want to have email and cell phones and I'm not sure how I will handle those things. Sometimes I just want to go live on a commune with a bunch of like-minded families. Maybe then we could go back to homeschooling (former homeschooling mom here). I wasn't able to meet my son's social needs while homeschooling. I'm still a huge supporter and feel that there have definitely been some major trade-offs. But my boys are extremely social so I made the choice. I wish things were different, but what can you do?

Responding both places now! :)

happy, yes, as I said in my OP I did call her the day before we were going to meet and she did not answer. She never answers.

daisy, could be, but I think online lets her vent but without any effort, if that makes sense. I have suspected she stops seeing people when depressed (she has a lot of challenges) but her e-mails lately have been about trying to get together with people and them not being there for her, so it is a contradiction.

amj, do you use Meetup? I have a group for hs'ers too and so often the messages go into cyberspace, and I never know who will show up. Mine is Yahoo-- no way to officially RSVP. But yes, when I say yes to something I almost always follow through or let people know. I do it even when it is hard, too-- usually worth it.

arcy, that is disturbing. I had no even thought about the extent of what it is doing to children. I can just imagine that in college-- oh my goodness.

trailrunner, I can't believe it. What a letdown! So quickly, how things have changed. When we go on vacation, I am NEVER online. I feel so free when I am not.

regina, yes, I am the same about cellphones. I have a cheapo prepaid one and never use it. I do not care if people do not respond to e-mail-- sometimes so tiring to write. However, my friend never answers her phone either.

I also would like to live in a commune. I hear you on the social aspect. Again, my DD feels she would not get her social needs met in school. I went to observe her class, and (she was 6 and in 2nd grade), all they did was sit for 3 hours, listening to the teacher. Once in awhile they could talk about the project, and they have recess for 20 minutes, but for the most part . . .no talking, and not about "whatever." My goal is just to get out, out, out as much as possible.

Wow! This has been a total education for me. I'm in my 40's and while I know I'm the odd duck out not using technology the way most do (just learned to text and use the cell only when I absolutely need to, hate facebook) I really didn't realize the rest of the world was so plugged in all the time. Trailrunner, I am astounded by your story.

My daughter just gave me a book "Awaken". It's set in the future and no one interacts anymore. Even schools are online. There is one point in the story where there is a blackout and everyone comes outside and meets their neighbours for the first time. The main character's family has a fit when a friend actually drops by in person. As I was reading, I was thinking how incredible this was, but maybe it's already here.

Just going to run out and chat with my neighbours - face to face :-)

Yes - I'm on meetup. The rsvp feature is nice, but as the group organizer, I try to emphasize the importance of using it. Emergencies happen, but try to be courteous!

Unfortunately social media took off at the same time that the idea of actions having consequences disappeared. If I had an iPhone when I was a teenager and brought it to the dinner table in front of my father, it would soon be buried in a place where I could no longer reach it easily. Yet it would still be on my person. If you get my meaning. Think about it. Not too much, though.

There seems to be some sentiment that everybody else has agreed to while I was napping or something--that you can never correct another person's rudeness, or change someone else's behavior. This is nonsense, of course. I change people's behavior every day. Whether you are imagining that your dog is going to freely crap on my lawn, or thinking you are going to answer an email while I am in the middle of a sentence speaking to you, your behavior is about to change, I assure you.

So, people withdraw into technology partly because it's so addictive--but mostly because they get away with it.

Daisy...I was dumbfounded and thought it would get better after a few days of us being on the road...you know everyone was just new to this...but me...and they were missing their families etc. But nope it was the way they live their lives.

Marcolo I did attempt to change their behavior...too bad that I was not a stronger personality. You are right they get away with it. I jokingly made a few comments early on...even photographed the group as they all sat with their various modes of "communication" in their hands. Unfortunately they LOVED the pic and sent it to all their friends...sigh. I spent 2 months with these folks...a couple of them came and went in the group but 4 of us spent the final month together. We never coalesced into a group. It was so easy last year and I was just disappointed that it didn't happen this year. I am sure that it wasn't all the fault of the electronics but it sure does allow for folks to remove themselves , distance from conversation and involvement and learning about others. I hate it and don't intend to change. I leave my cell at home too , only use it on trips. We have no land line so it rests on the desk. As my DH says, they can leave a message...so there :)

Well this may sound harsh, but I'd confront her about this telling her you don't have the time to make plans that never come to fruition.

I think her statements of "let's get together" are just a nice way to close her emails/communication...she really doesn't mean it. It's not just you, she's just too busy or whatever (as you said) to really make it happen. Or has prioritized FB! It's interesting and disconcerting that she goes the next step and actually suggests dates. If it were me I think from now on I'd just ignore her suggestions to get together, and the dates (unless she calls or makes some further effort to set up something). Short of that, just don't respond to that part. Wouldn't necessarily assign any nefarious motives, except rudeness and being inconsiderate.

The Toyota Venza television commercials have certainly picked up on this sentiment.

Anele, people make time for what's important to them. It sounds like you are not important to this woman. Act accordingly.

Here is a link that might be useful: I have 687 friends. This is living.

But it also allows us to connect with people that we've never met...and may never meet. I have very dear friends I've never seen in person. (I'm getting to meet some of them this weekend at a party...should be fun.)

I think of them as electronic pen-pals. And we've come in handy for one another when folks got relocated, had troubles traveling, needed advice about an area one of us is familiar with but others in the group are not. (Doctors, restaurants, etc.)

Live is what we make of it...including all the new social media!

mimi-- it could be. I know she isn't being mean, just wonder what is up. She always does that with the dates and times and goes on and on how she wants to see us more often-- even says she wants to get on a schedule to see us weekly.

graywings, I will check out that link! Yes, could very well be we are no longer important to her. To an extent she was always like this, but I let it go-- I think she likes to be happy around people and does not know that people are OK with you even when you are not . . .She and her husband are godparents to one of my children, so we are not random friends. She has struggled w/adoption and was one of the people who distanced herself from me when I got pregnant with my 4th (and really, I never talk about being PG because I think it is a boring subject!). However, she adopted a child in the late winter and said she was set . . .I thought that might make her feel settled, since she was on such a roller coaster for years. Then I got PG again. I did not call her and tell her (again, why? I only told people I saw in person if it came up), but DH posted it on FB and she was upset I had not told her. (I had not seen her.) Don't know if it is the PG thing again.

But anyway, aside from this friend issue (which I'm just going to let go), I appreciate the thoughts in this discussion. I have seen people using tech. while out, but mostly teens and parents at the park w/their kids. I would never guess it would extend so much to college campuses and even a long cycle ride. That is eye-opening. I thought once people were together for a "fun" reason that tech. would come in 2nd. Maybe people are not used to being around other people, so they don't know what to do with each other anymore?

marcolo, you are so right about the consequences (or lack thereof). I would never, ever, EVER let my child (or teen) bring some sort of device that she could use to ignore us while we are out or at dinner.

We got my oldest (only 9) an iPod for her birthday. I have very mixed feelings about it. I did not want to get it, but somehow gave in to DH (DD did not ask for one). She does neat things with it, like videos and photos . . .thinks she might want to make movies in the future, but she also plays games on it. (I was horrified that DH put games on there-- it's like setting a child up to be addicted.) BUT, on the other hand, all she used to do at night, for hours, was read. Now she listens to music, does the photos/movies, and plays games. Reads, too, but not as much. This all crept up sort of slowly, so now I am going to set a time limit with it daily, and she can't use it in bed. (The only good thing is that she and DH play some mean Scrabble games together . .she already beat me and has been close to beating DH several times.)

daisy, I looked up that book. I think much of it is true now! My sister just signed her kids up for a virtual (computer!) school.

amj, very true about Meetup! I think the RSVP feature is great!

Thank you for this discussion. I know I can't change the rest of the world, but as pesky said, the best thing to do is make a change myself. I am making more of an effort to go out and get us all around real people. I love the hand-written note thing . . .I keep thinking we could do this once a week (send notes and cards out to people) but I will definitely do this.

I just happened to read thru this, and was agreeing with you the whole way feeling let down by what appears to be a fake polite "let's do lunch kiss, kiss" type of socialite thing.

then I read your last post where the godmother of your child had to find out that you were pregnant from a facebook post instead of you. maybe you are both guilty of distancing thru technology.

you need to make the effort, track her down, bring her something for the new baby she waited so long for, and take the initiative. you may be more intact emotionally and more able to make the real life effort. don't give up a good friendship for silliness.

detroit, I think you misunderstood my post. I did not post on FB that I was pregnant. My husband did. I only told people I was PG in person, and I tried to see her, but as you can see, she has been difficult to reach. I cannot remember the last time she has answered her phone when I have called. I did not want to tell her via e-mail, either. So, no, I was not hiding behind technology. On the contrary.

As for her baby, how do you know I did not bring her something for her baby? I think you are jumping to conclusions. In fact, I did. I got a custom blanket made for her baby. When her dog died, I sent her a present then, too, to help her remember her dog. I knew I could not wait to give her these gifts in person, as I never see her, so I had them sent. Her baby was fussy (she is not used to that) so I made sure when she came over, that she could have every break she needed from the baby. I offered to do so again, and meet her on her terms, but have not seen her since then.

I am not sure what you are referring to as "silliness."

Your post is pointing out the flaws in technology. You have misunderstood-- happens far more online than in person.

sorry.

Anele -my sympathy! I would like to suggest that since your friend's behavior obviously bothers you (and it would bother me, too!) that you consider the next time she sets a date tell her you would love to see her, but it has seldom worked out in the past and you feel frustrated (or whatever) when plans are set that are not kept...that it feels like your friendship is not valued (or whatever) and you will agree to a specific date only if she intends to commit to it.
If she sets a time and date (make it within a week or two so you do not feel you have to confirm - this is what allows her/enables her to wriggle out of commitments. ) Ask if she is sure she can make it, and tell her you'll see you then." If she just doesn't show, the next time she calls and tries to set a date, politely decline and point out that the last time she did not follow through. If she profusely apologizes and wants to make another date, tell her you will consider it sometime in the future. If that time comes and she again fails, don't fall into the trap again but resign yourself to a having a telephone friend - at least you will not be engaging with her frustrating behavior. OTOH, if she shows either time, provide her with considerable positive feedback (it's so great to SEE you etc.) to help her shape her future behavior.
You ARE enabling/playing a role in her poor behavior by not setting limits with her. You will feel much better when you take control. Good luck!!!!

Technology isn't doing anything to enrich relationships. Teens and young adults would rather text than speak to their friends in person. My teenage niece was texting during church and my sister, her mother, was sitting right next to her and didn't say a word to her! Hard for me to not say anything! My husband's family just had a family reunion. His cousin was a bit exasperated with us that we weren't on Facebook for notifications regarding the reunion. I work in public education at the elem. level. Ask kids what they do after a weekend and the response is typically watched TV, played video games, went on the computer. Children don't know how to skip, hop, ride a bike, play or use their imaginations. I realize many parents will read this and say my children do know how to skip, hop, and do play outside, and that is fantastic. I am also convinced families do not sit down at the dinner table and eat together. If your lives are that busy, perhaps it is time to look at your priorities. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it is effecting our children negatively. Thank you to the many parents that will read this and are doing the right thing by turning off the technology and encouraging their children to be children by playing, reading and spending time together as a family.