Here, as LindaC does, the church groups will sponsor a funeral luncheon for after the funeral, and the number of people depends on the funeral, Dad had over 200 people at his because he was a lifelong resident and a township board member and everyone knew him. isabelle smith had fewer than 50 because she had outlived most of her friends and some of her family, she was 98.

Friends and family members also take food to the family for the couple of weeks after a death, anything from soup or casseroles to cookies, homemade bread, whatever. Good friends have even been known to "sneak in" while the family is attending to business and clean the house, stock the refrigerator, mow the lawn, shovel snow. We tend to not be so emotional, we've very much practical, and when someone is uncomfortable hugging someone or expressing their sorrow, they pick up a shovel or a broom and "make themselves useful".

Families often have an overwhelming amount of food at first, so I tend to take coffee, tea bags, soft drinks. paper goods and disposable flatware, things that will be used and appreciated but aren't necessarily something other people think of.

Annie

Wow, CdL, good question.

My family is so dysfunctional I can't say we have any real traditions. As example, when my sister died I didn't even know until a week later. My other sister didn't know either until I phoned her. We hadn't spoken in something like ten years so just to hear my voice startled her. She was so distraught after I explained what I knew of our older sister's death that she had to put her DH on the phone. Not good. Bad memories. Definitely, no food. Not even a funeral. She died in '05 &, sometimes, still doesn't feel real. No closure.

When my paternal grandparents died, within a year of each other, I was a teenager. Dad wouldn't pay for Mom or me to make the trip to attend the funeral. No food, at least not by us. Dad didn't speak about it so I've no idea who provided the food.

Mom was killed when I was 19 & married just 10 days. It was my first funeral. I was, frankly, aghast at the huge quantities of food & drink pouring into the house. I was in shock & people were "partying"! I couldn't tell you what was being eaten. I went outside, sat on the ground by her favorite yellow rose & cried for hours. I didn't eat a thing for days.

As an adult, mostly it's been business associates that have passed. Some sad memories. I lost an associate & good friend to AIDS back when it was a "closet" disease. I didn't contribute food. I took his 2 pre-teen boys out for a ride to the beach & we walked, talked, cried, & laughed for a few hours together. I think I was the only one from the bank within 50 miles of the funeral. :(

Another business associate & his wife lost their only child - a 10 year old son. Horrible tragedy. The 3 of them had been dirt bike riding & Todd came around a corner & ran into a gate across the road that was not supposed to be closed. He died in his father's arms at the scene. I waited a few days after the funeral & then took them chicken salad & a loaf of homemade bread.

Other times, when I wasn't so close but felt the need/desire to do something personal not just from the bank, I'd just send flowers...no food.

For personal friends, I usually do "things" rather than take food. Examples of "things" are laundry, clean the kitchen/baths, wash the car, & go through the huge unopened piles of mail, straighten stuff out & toss all the junk mail. Once, I spent a couple nights at the house when the death was sudden & family wouldn't arrive for a couple days so my friend wouldn't be alone overnight.

They're all so different & I don't have any funeral food traditions but I sure understand the thought(s) behind those traditions. It's such a helpless feeling time. Food plays a large role in bringing people together as well as being a comfort.

I'll be interested to see what others have experienced.

/tricia

Aside from personal memories and tragedies...
Here what the church does or what is done to feed funeral guests varies.
For years it was our church's custom to ask people to bring a dish for a meal after the service. There was the usual strange mish-mosh of stuff and it took forever for people to get through the food line....so they then went to making deli sandwiches and asking for donations of jell-o salads and cakes.
Then I took over and now we only ask for cookies and bars and we plan and prepare the rest.
But that's aside from what friends bring to the house.....which can be all sorts of things. I have had families ask me to use some of the food that has been brought to their house, because they can never eat it all. I remember my MIL eventually dumping things like cakes and potato salads because there was more than anyone could eat and stuff went bad before they could even give it away.

My most often gift is a container of frozen soup and if I can get it to the house soon after the death I do. I have had lots of people tell me how comforting a bowl of chicken noodle soup is.

If I know there are mobs of family at the home I will take coffee and paper goods, or a couple of bottles of wine if I know they would appreciate it.

I hesitate to take food justw illy nilly because I know what a stress bowls of potato salad and chicken casseroles can be. When a good friend died last fall, I called his wife after a couple of days, knowing that there were lots of family members there and asked her if she could use a meat loaf. She said you betcha! And I told her to expect a hot meat loaf that would feed 12 at about 5 that day.....in a disposable pan!
Just dealing with the return of bowls and casseroles can be a big task.

Annie, I like the idea of making yourself ''useful''. Sometimes that's the best thing you can do.

Tricia, I wish I could give you a hug Right NOW. ((Hug)). It sounds like you are Annie are on the same wave-length. Flowers, food or friendship...it all matters. Sometimes I feel like whatever I can do for someone is so lame it can't possibly matter, even though I know it does.

When my brother died I remember one nice thing one lady did was to come over and stay in the house while we were all at the funeral. She said nowdays people read about the deaths in the newspaper and come over and rob you during the funeral. I had never heard of such but I thought it was a nice offer.

Here the churches provide a meal immediately following the service.

And usually a lot of food is brought to the families' home.

And, as Lindac says, this has a 'down' side,
possible way too much of some things,
Not near enough of others.

Sometimes a dish brought to the home at a little later date
After the first 'rush' is over,
Is greatly appreciated.

And speaking strictly from personal experience,
I would seriously rethink inviting them for dinner.
It is entirely possible they may not be quite up to being guests.
I know I wasn't.

Rusty

Rusty, The invitation has already been welcomed and accepted. My friend's mother was gravely ill for years, so none of this was entirely unexpected. I let her pick the date and time so it would be convenient for her, although I understand what you mean. They have been here so many times for dinner, my thought is they will be more than happy to let us wait on them for an evening. There is no required ''guest'' etiquette once here; the only requirement is to relax, have a martini and eat some good food.

Jeanne Robertson makes 7-up Pound Cake.

Here is a link that might be useful: Jeanne Robertson

The tradition around here is to hire a caterer or have a get-together at a restaurant or club. I hate to think what this costs on top of regular funeral expenses.

When my dad died (we were not close), a long-time colleague of his had the reception at his large home and it was catered. I am embarrassed to say that at the time, my brother and I didn't even think to offer to pay for it! My father had only been marginally in my life for many years. I'm pretty sure his wife didn't pay, either. Oops.

Claire, I think you brought up the really good point that it depends on the situation. If someone loses a distant elderly relative to a peaceful death, they may be emotionally up to having a house full of relatives and those relatives may need to be fed. If someone suddenly loses a child or a spouse, they probably can't handle food and probably want only very close relatives and friends around anyway. They also may be struggling to complete the day-to-day tasks necessary to life, and cleaning up or paying the phone bill might be just the thing. The tradition around here is to smother people in food, but I've always thought it was kind of odd. Seeing someone in that kind of pain and being helpless is truly awful, and I think people don't know what to do but want to do something.

Under tohose circumstances, Claire, it's a great idea!

Sounds like just the right thing to do.

I was thinking along totally different lines.

Rusty

The tradition of food brought to the home of the deceased is old. Probably started way back when the family farm was predominant and when a family member died, especially one of the parents, the farm work still had to be done but food could be a concern. Today, that aspect is pretty much obsolete with drive-through, delivery, frozen meals and the like.

I know when my mother died, the last thing on my mind was eating. Her death was expected after a bout with cancer. And we got the message out to most people to *not* bring food. My dad simply wouldn't be eating it. Yet some still brought the casseroles of what-the-heck-it-is-in-it because that's the "thing to do".

There's of course exceptions. I remember some postings a while back where a young(er) mother died. She did all the cooking. Husband knew nothing about cooking. Kids were old enough to be impacted by the death but probably not even teens yet and none of them could cook. In that case, you bet I'd bring food. In that case, some friends got together and alternated nights where they'd bring something. Then someone went and helped teach Dad to make some basic meals. It was heartwarming.

I do like the idea of inviting someone for a meal. Especially if you know the person well enough that they'll relax and be able to talk if they want or more importantly, *not* talk if that's their desire.

The stamp idea is great. Also volunteering time to help address and mail cards, and even help sort and remove the decedent's clothes and possessions can be a great help. House sitting is often a great idea. When a friend's mother died I went down and stayed at the house during the funeral. I never met his mother, his family or his friends so I didn't care to go to the funeral or anything. I took care of warming up some of the food before they got home and I also did a little re-arranging to make chairs a little more conducive to people sitting around. Checked the bathroom for supplies, etc. A small thing to me but was a big help to them.

When a good friend's son died unexpectedly I asked what I could do to help. Finally they admitted they needed some help with some of his personal possessions. Rodg was naturally distraught over his oldest child dying and wasn't thinking clearly. His wife (not the mother to his kids) said that she and a couple others could do some of the things if I could keep Rodg occupied. No problem. The point is that it's different for different people. I still remember a friend of theirs who was very close to his son was such a sweetheart. She was a very slender Asian lady and spoke very broken English but kept saying "You haven't eaten, you MUST eat something. You have to eat!" I really chuckled since none of us there would drop over by missing a meal if you know what I mean! And what we were doing was we'd do what we needed to do that day then stop and eat on the way home but she was so worried that we weren't eating during the day! So she went to a takeout buffet and brought a mountain of food! She had to have spent $50-$100 on food! And she wouldn't eat any of it! LOL

With most of my family the actual funeral food would be handled by the Ladies Auxiliary at the church. Once or twice a caterer was hired to make something like scalloped potatoes and ham. Again, the background of the family was that you have to eat after a funeral! Personally, funerals never made me that hungry! Here again the tradition started back when people would walk miles upon miles or ride ride a horse & buggy to attend the funeral. It was felt that you should feed them before they start the long trip back to hold them over until they got home. Again, today this is obsolete but it's "how we've always done it!"

Some cousins and I have our own tradition on family funerals. I generally do this for people I'm close to also. Bring a case or two of beer and have a toast to the departed in the parking lot or get together and have a couple drinks and reminisce about the person later on. Some of the holy rollers get all high and mighty about it but I think about when the minister came out when he saw a bunch of us together and he was wondering if we needed someone to talk to or something. He was a little surprised that we were laughing and talking and he accepted a beer too!

Our church has a funeral committee that call the members to bring a meat, side, salad or dessert. Then they serve and clean up. They will either take the left over food to your house and if you don't want or need it they take it to a needy family.

Friends of the family take food, paper goods or stamps to the house. Some will mow the yard, stay at the house during meals times to clean up or even straighten up the house if need be.

I know when my Dad passed away in 2000 we had so much food at the house and didn't know what to do with it. We froze pies that could be frozen, gave some to the neighbors who had been so kind to my parents and I made my Mom frozen dinners with some of it. The rest we gave to a needy family.

We live in a small rural town and everybody knows everybody so there is generally plenty of food!

I live in Iowa and another tradition is when farmer dies, the neighbors all get the crop planted or harvested, depending on the time of the year.
In another situation I remember neighbors making sure the animals were fed and the cows milked.
For someone in a lot of lines of work, you can post a sign and say closed out of respect for...
But amimals have to be fed and the crop has to be harvested....
It all comes down to good friends see what needs to be done and do it....be it taking the breeaved out for a meal and a movie, or mowing the lawn or helping with food for visiting relatives or helping dispose of the clothing of the deceased.

Linda, we do the same thing. We are farmers and last year my DH and DS helped harvest another farmers cotton when he was in an auto accident and hospitalized. Earlier they helped harvest wheat when the farmer passed away. We've also fed cattle when someone was in need.

You never know!

That happens here too, LindaC. Not only when family members die, but if someone is ill or injured, or needs to leave for a couple of days, everyone pitches in. So, the farmer who has his appendix removed right in the middle of hay season? Covered. Barn burned? We all rebuild. Child in the military, wounded and in the hospital? Go, go, GO. GO NOW. The cows will be fed and the hay will be baled and the fences will be checked. the garden will be hoed and the eggs will be gathered and your refrigerator will be stocked when you return. It's all taken care of, always has been and I hope it always will be.

Annie

Well, that is enough to make me want to move out of the suburbs! Small towns have a great sense of community in that way, which I am sorely missing where I live.

bbstx, Jeanne Robertson's story about 7-up pound cake had me in stitches, when I first heard it. We were staying at a B&B in Bisbee AZ, and the owner had all of us standing around watching it from her computer in the kitchen where she'd just made a fabulous breakfast. That was fun!

That really is touching. I drove by two small kids yesterday who appeared to be locked out in the rain-- pounding on the door and looking scared. I drove around the block and when I came back, they were gone, but it occurred to me that it probably would have gone badly if they weren't. They probably would have been afraid to talk to a stranger, and, living in the city, may or may not have known their neighbors.

Jessica, here they would have gone to the neighbors. I remember when Ashley was in grade school three different neighbors called me to tell me that she hadn't looked both ways before she crossed the street coming home from school, LOL.

Farm kids without close neighbors? They'd just go to the barn until someone got home.

Annie

My ex's family even had a special recipe...."Grandpa's Funeral Cake" - chocolate, I think.

Jeanne Robertson is our hometown/county gal! I've seen her in person when she had a gratis performance for a satellite radio taping and another time for a civic group. She is a hoot and a delight! I think we all laugh the hardest 'cause we are laughing at ourselves in a way.

Teresa

Yes, small towns are different and in a good way. Annie, I just read in the Detroit Free Press an obituary from a man who moved to LA in 1977 after having made it big on some patent or another and it was mentioned in his obit that White Cloud was his favorite town! He had an irish name but forgive me for not remembering more but that just says alot about small tomn american, especially Annie-country!

Annie, that is too funny. I consider myself a die-hard city girl, but if I have kids, I'd really like them to have that sense of community.

Wow, someone from White Cloud made it big? Good for them!

It's a good place to live, if you can afford it. There are not the shopping opportunities or good restaurants and jobs are few and far between. The last census has the average per capita income at $12,000 or something similar, and 4% of the population has a graduate degree.

So, lots of people love White Cloud, but can't find a way to actually stay here and make a living, unfortunately. Your kids had better look both ways, though, because there are spies everywhere. (grin)

Annie