Suicide of a friend

15 years ago

I got word yesterday that a man my husband and I knew through a working relationship, but considered a friend, killed himself last month at age 63.

He was a gifted carpenter - a guy who could do anything with wood, with incredible attention to detail and great pride in his work. Someone referred him to us when we we owned our first home and couldn't find anyone we could afford to build some bookcases. He was kind, funny, and loved our dogs. I often called him our "Eldon," the ever-present house painter from the show Murphy Brown.

He was also a loner, with a sad past as a recovering alcoholic with troubled family relationships. However, he was very private and rarely shared details. Occasionally, we'd get a glimpse, but never knew for sure what was going on in his life. He loved to read, although his views seemed a bit skewed at times. I thought he was one of the few people I knew who tended to "feel" things as deeply as I do.

We moved around a bit and he always did work for us. He'd disappear for months, but his main job was building houses and we'd always re-connect when he was in-between jobs. He used to say that he considered the time he spent with us as his "vacation" because we never put deadlines on him. We'd invite him to our annual holiday parties so he could network, and friends were always clamoring for him to work for them.

We left the state six years ago and had called him several times, as recently as a few months ago, to see if he'd come up here to work on some projects. He never called back, but that wasn't unusual. Friends of ours in Maryland who hired him told me yesterday that he was in a very "dark" place and had become less and less reliable.

His family found their number in his work papers and called to let them know. We don't have any details, and probably never will. I can't even find an obituary; it's almost like he never existed.

I'm trying to focus on the thought that he's free now from whatever demons were torturing him. But I feel so terribly sad that he could have felt so hopeless. I can't imagine what family members of suicide victims go through dealing with this.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a little tribute to Jeff. He was a gem.

Sue

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Comments (15)

User
15 years ago
Sue what a lovely tribute.

That's all you can do, remember him well. Sad what happened but at least there are those that recall him fondly.

Maybe that's as much as any of us can hope for.
mustangs81
15 years ago
Personally, I can't imagine being so low/depressed/troubled to take one's own life.

Perhaps his time with you lightened his load.
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Amy, just saw this thread (I was out of town last week). What a devastating thing. I can only imagine what your DD was telling herself about having said she was too busy to talk. The teen years seem like a psychological obstacle course kids have to go through to get to the other side, and not all kids make it, which is nausea and vertigo inducing when I let myself think about it as a mother. And even beyond the highly dramatic teen years, it's still difficult...I remember when I was breaking up with a longtime boyfriend and even though *I* was the one doing the breaking up, I thought "I have no idea who I am without him" and thought there was no future for me, whatever 'me' was. I thought part of "me" was being X's girlfriend, and without that part I was nothing (we'd been together since high school, and this was last year of grad school--in theatre, btw...). A friend, also in theatre, told me that there is simply no logical reason to assume the suffering of now is what will be happening forever, that is *always* a way out to a new start, even if it means the Peace Corps, or Ditching It All and traveling, or whatever. His statement was so straightforward and undramatically rational it struck me right between the eyes and knocked a new perspective into my brain. (Almost like the psychologist seeing the Australian woman who has fear of flying in the old SNL skit, not to reduce it to comedy or anything, but the feeling was similar.) As you can tell, I've never forgotten what he said and it still serves as a kind of touchstone for me to judge the permanence of any negative situation and get a realistic hold on it even through any possible drama. Maybe it doesn't make much sense hearing it second hand, but it helped me and still does, so I thought I'd share it. It relates to parma's "permanent solution to a temporary problem" line. Teens and young adults have no real experience of the passing nature of everything in our lives...all the power to make big life-affecting actions, but no perspective. Anyway, I notice you haven't posted for several days now, I guess since the funeral...when you are inclined, please post how you all are doing now. I'll be thinking of you and DD.
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Just as an update I copied below in italics what I originally wrote above. This student earned a poor grade on a team assignment for lack of participation (and his teammates had also complained to me privately about his odd behavior). I asked on his feedback sheet that he talk with me after class. I had a moment of panic... like this isn't something I should be getting involved in. But he stayed after class and I had to follow through. So I explained his grade and said I noticed he seems nervous or distressed sometimes, and that if he ever needs help with class or any other matter I'm available to help him and can also point him to school resources. He just sort of looked at me and nodded without any indication of how he was interpreting my offer of help. He just said thanks and left. I then called my dean and she was so very supportive. We have (like most colleges and universities have developed) a base of resources including trained counselors who are available for our students. I'm also able to make a formal recommendation for intervention for the student but this is made known to the student when it is done. She suggested I talk with another administrator at the college who has more experience with this first. I'm torn about what I've done, like a cross between being proactive while also feeling guilty about profiling a student who seems disturbed as a potential mass murderer. The latter is what makes this feel icky... Anyway, I acted. editing to add that I was more tactful and concerned about the student than what initially appears in my explanation above. I do believe he may have some personal issues (his teammates alluded to this but for privacy reasons I did not inquire with them further). At this young adult age many students have difficulty transitioning from being under their parents roof to meeting the demands of college. I really am concerned about him and I explained this to my dean. I did not preface it with my suspicions that he could be violent... I didn't even allude to that. Only that he appeared to be distressed and I wanted to make him aware that we have resources if he feels he needs assistance. First, I'm a part-time college teacher and I noticed one of my students seems sullen. He wears sunglasses in class and a dark hoodie over his head. He shakes a bit. He looks unhealthy. He doesn't make eye contact when I call on him and he doesn't appear to have any friends on the campus. The other students avoid him. I suspect he's on drugs and maybe there's more to it. I'm going to reach out to him and ask if he's OK. I'm going to express concern about his well-being and see if I can point him to resources. Depending upon how he responds I'm going to document my concerns with the college. If he ever commits a violent crime I don't want to be the person interviewed by police who says they always thought he was a little off but never did anything about it. Will I be overstepping my bounds? I don't care. Will he be offended by my inquiry? I don't care. I really don't. I am going to speak up because he does not appear to be a stable person and yet has access to guns as a citizen of this country.
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lindac
15 years ago
Sue....I'm sorry....it's a hard load to bear....always wondering if there were something you might have done or said.
Linda C
annie1992
15 years ago
Sue, that's a fine tribute and Jeff should be proud that he made such a positive impact on you.

None of us can possibly know the hurts or demons that haunt others. There was a time in my life when I could hardly pull myself from bed in the morning, when I left the house only to work and only because I had to, when I often thought that death would be preferable. The only thing that kept me safe was my children, and the thought that I needed to take care of them. I had no chemical dependencies or other mental issues, just a combination of a lot of life's sorrows at a vulnerable time.

So, I can understand why Jeff could decide to take the action he did. I can't debate the right or wrong of it, I just know how close I was to being there myself.

My prayers for Jeff and his family and for everyone whose life he touched and didn't realize it. May he rest in peace, finally.

Annie
mitchdesj
15 years ago
You possibly helped him stay longer because of your occasional meetings and friendship and including him in your gatherings; I always find the drama of a suicide very perplexing, is there a moment when the decision to commit suicide is liberating ? when the person decides that they cannot live another day ?
How alone they must feel then.
loagiehoagie
15 years ago
Sue, that was a very nice tribute to Jeff. Even though we come in contact with people throughout our lives, some intimately, some in occasional passing, we truly don't know what goes on in anyone else's head. One of my friends committed suicide in 1990 at the age of 29 and although he was going through a rough patch, he had a young boy and I just couldn't understand the rationale. It was the saddest and strangest funeral I had ever attended. Over 200 people in attendance and friends putting joints and whiskey and pepsi in his coffin and his brothers drinking and dancing on his grave.

I had a dream of him a couple of years ago. He was relaxing in a chase lounge with a drink next to him and he looked happy! I said to him, "Dave, you look great....especially since you are dead!"...he just laughed his goofy laugh...and I've felt better about it...weird huh?

Annie, thanks for putting yourself out there and putting into perfect words what many of us feel at certain times in our lives: "just a combination of a lot of life's sorrows at a vulnerable time."

If you have never, ever had the thought of taking your own life consider yourself very fortunate. Life can turn on a dime at any given moment so appreciate your blessings this very minute and enjoy living every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

Duane
arabellamiller
15 years ago
Lovely tribute, Sue. I'm certain your time with your friend touched him the most positive of ways.

We can never know anyone's else's demons.

AM
goldgirl
Original Author
15 years ago
Thanks everyone. I don't think about whether I could have changed anything - we were on the periphery of his day-to-day life, and I don't know that there's anything one can say or do to alter the thought process of someone that down and out, particularly when there substance abuse issues. But, I do feel sad that he felt there was no other way out. I will miss him.

Annie, thanks in particular for your insight. And Duane, your post made me laugh. Maybe I'll see him again in my dreams.

Sue
momto4kids
15 years ago
Sue, so sad. No matter how close or distant a friend/relative/acquaintance...it's such a devastating event. A permanent decision to what might have been a temporary problem. Hope he's resting in peace now.
susie_que
15 years ago
Sue,
My condolences.

PEACE!
Susie
compumom
15 years ago
Sue, He had his own demons. I'm sure that you did offer a positive force in his life, but you couldn't change the entire direction. My thoughts are with you.
E
trudy_gw
15 years ago
Sue...sending you a cyber (((Hug)))!

Sure does make ones mind think about things when a friend takes their life. We can not even imagine what was on his heart. Many folks say they just cant imagine how someone could do this. Don't judge someone until you have walked in their shoes! Praying for your comfort and peace in the situation! You were a kind friend to Jeff!

Smiling at Duane's dream :)
gellchom
15 years ago
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. What you wrote was lovely.
lakeguy35
15 years ago
That is a wonderful tribute Sue. My heart sank when I first saw your post. Having lost a good friend 20 plus years ago and another a couple of years ago it really hits home. So many questions and doubt...what could I have done...what did I miss. Why??? Like Duane, I hope he comes to you in your dreams...

((hugs))

David
dedtired
15 years ago
Oh Sue, how sad. It's wonderful that you have good memories of him.

Amazing how many of us have been touched by suicide. I don't think anyone can understand it unless we've been there.

Suicide of a friend

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