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Humor Thread for 2011

Pooh Bear
13 years ago

Here is the new humor thread for 2011.

This thread will run until January, 2012.

Until then please post all jokes here.

Thanks to everyone who contributes.

The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

Comments (84)

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

    One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They�ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

    "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don�t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    The Worst Ethnic Joke Ever Told

    As it's not politically correct to direct a joke at any particular ethnic minority, try this one:

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Lithuania, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Singaporean, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

    "I'm sorry," said the snooty ma�tre d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

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  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Good one Bob

    Ten common fishing terms explained

    Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

    Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

    Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

    Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

    Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

    Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

    School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

    Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

    Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

    Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    As a reformed fisherman I appreciate those.

    The minister was just starting his sermon when he spotted a man step inside. He beckons him to sit and launches into his lesson on the Ten Commandments.

    Since it was a new face, the minister makes sure to seek the man out after the service to greet him.

    "I have to confess," the man says, "that I didn't come in to hear your sermon. I came in to steal a hat, because it's cold and I seem to have lost mine."

    "What made you stop, then?" the minister asks.

    "Well, your talking about 'Thou shalt not steal' made me think about it."

    "Terrific!" the minister says.

    "Besides," the man continues, "when you got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my hat."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?

    He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

    He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

    "Good morning!" he said.

    They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    It's a good thing...

    Scott and Glenn went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: reels, rods, wading suits, rowboat, car, even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.

    The first day they went fishing and didn't catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day and the third. It went on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Scott caught a fish. Driving home they were really depressed.

    Scott turned to Glenn and said, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

    Glenn replied, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
    v v
    v v
    v v
    vNothing he just gave a little whine.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
    "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
    "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
    The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    The Lecture

    A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It's 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.

    "Good evening, sir," the cop says. "Is everything OK?"

    "Why yes, officer, thank you," the man says, speaking a bit thickly.

    "Where are you headed?" the cop asks.

    "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body," the man says with certainty.

    "Sir, it's 1:00 in the morning," the cop says. "Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?"

    The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, "My wife."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    lol good one Bob

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
    A chew chew train.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    A woman went on a tour of the White House.

    As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

    "My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.

    "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    The Doctor's Visit

    A gorgeous young blonde was visiting her new doctor for the first time.

    She was escorted to the small patient room and left alone to wait. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the examination.

    Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor stepped in.

    Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

    "Miss... uh..." he said, looking at the chart to get his eyes off her significant assets, "Smith!" he said, finally finding her name.

    "Yes, doctor?" the sweet young thang answered.

    "Ma'am," he said, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    lol

    A sensitive husband
    This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
    One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
    The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
    The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
    The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

    She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

    The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

    The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

    We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blond replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money.

    Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

    One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

    "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

    One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Heard today on a country western barn dance type show the comic said
    "Honey in your wildest dream did you imagine I'd be the success I am today?" She answered "I don't believe you were ever in my wildest dream !"
    Another one
    "I was in Little Rock and stood in front of a huge church and reading the sign in front. It listed the service times etc then a message read "If you're ready to stop sinning come in"
    Below it in lipstick someone wrote "If Not, cal 555-5555"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd lost touch with when they moved to another city many years ago.

    Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up. "And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."

    "Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband.

    "Nope," Dick broke in. "Sarah's mother came to live with us."

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    As an octogenarian I feel qualified to post this one:

    The A-B-Cs of Growing Older

    Age before Beauty is what we once said,
    But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

    Now A's for arthritis;
    B's the bad back,
    C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

    D is for dental decay and decline,
    E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
    F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

    H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
    I for incisions with scars you can show.
    J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
    K is for knees that crack when they bend.

    L for libido, what happened to sex?
    M is for memory, I forget what comes next
    N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
    O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
    give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
    Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
    R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

    S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
    T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
    U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
    V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

    W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
    X is for X ray, and what might be found.
    Y is another year I'm left here behind,
    Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.

    I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
    And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed.

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    Bumper Stickers

    Why yes, they are all real bumper stickers. Why do you ask?

    I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

    Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

    In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

    Life would be easier if I had the source code.

    If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    Seen on the same bumper:
    Vote Democrat: it's easier than working! and
    Vote Republican: it's easier than thinking!

    I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

    I bet Jesus would have used his turn signal.

    Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.

    and...

    Actions speak louder than bumper-stickers.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

    The player said, "When I get bad cards, it�s not the dealer�s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

    The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

    "Yes."

    "Well then, he serves you food, I�m serving you cards so you should tip me."

    "Okay. But the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I�ll take an eight.".

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    Our government at work:

    BUT DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN: "Man Dead Five Years Won't Be Charged in Skipping Jury Duty" -- North Andover (Mass.) Eagle Tribune headline

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    How to give a cat a pill

    1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty."
    Drop pill into its mouth.

    2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.

    3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

    4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

    5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

    6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

    7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

    8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

    9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

    1. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

    2. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

    3. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

    4. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

    5. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

    6. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

    7. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

    8. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

    9. Take two aspirins and lie down.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

    The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

    The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Vampire Bat

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

    Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

    He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

    "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

    Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

    "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

    "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

    "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

    Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

    "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    While overseas this marine got a break-up letter:

    Dear Ricky,

    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

    I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you have been gone and it's not fair to either one of us. I'm sorry.

    Please return the picture of me I sent you.

    Love,

    Becky

    Ricky was devastated but he asked his fellow marines for pictures of their girlfriends. They complied and he ended up sending Becky 57 pictures and this note:

    Dear Becky,

    I'm so sorry but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the file and send the rest back to me.

    Take care,

    Ricky

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

    I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

    She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

    "What's the matter"? I asked.

    "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

    "That'll teach them!" I replied.

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    English: the Perfect Language

    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
    But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
    One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
    Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
    Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men,
    Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
    If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
    And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those,
    Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
    And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
    But though we say mother, we never say methren.
    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

    Let's face it, English is a crazy language.
    There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
    neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
    English muffins weren't invented in England.
    We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
    we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
    and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
    grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

    If you have a bunch of odds and ends
    and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
    Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
    should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

    In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
    We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
    We have noses that run and feet that smell.
    We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
    And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
    while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
    in which your house can burn up as it burns
    down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
    and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
    And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Good one Bob

    How's your business coming along?

    "I'm looking for a new cashier."

    But you had a new one only last week!

    "That's the one I'm looking for."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Chinese Surprise

    A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

    He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

    "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

    "Chicken Surprise."

    "Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    With a Kiss

    Walking up to a department store�s fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

    "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

    "That�s fine," replied the girl. "I�ll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

    The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

    "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

    "But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

    "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Yes...you.

    The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

    "John," the new guy replied.

    The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

    "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Tired Puppy

    An old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

    He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

    An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

    The next day, he was back. He resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

    Curious, I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

    The next day, he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. It said, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

    He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower"?

    Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it"?

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    This seemed appropriate for a computer forum humor thread:

    There are 10 types of people in the world:

    Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Good one Bob!!

    Ten Years Experience

    My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

    Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

    "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

    The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    A Review...

    Is it time for performance reviews at your work? Here are some performance review terms and their meaning...

    Outgoing Personality...................Always going out of the office
    Great Presentation Skills.............Bull thrower
    Good Communication Skills.........Spends lots of time on phone
    Average Employee......................Not too bright
    Exceptionally Well Qualified........Made no major blunders yet
    Work is First Priority...................Too ugly to get a date
    Active Socially............................Drinks a lot
    Family is Active Socially..............Spouse drinks, too
    Independent Worker.....................Nobody knows what he/she does
    Quick Thinking............................Offers plausible excuses
    Careful Thinker............................Won't make a decision
    Aggressive..................................Obnoxious
    Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs..........Gets someone else to do it
    Expresses Themselves Well.........Speaks English
    Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker
    Has Leadership Qualities..............Is tall or has a loud voice
    Exceptionally Good Judgment.......Lucky
    Keen Sense of Humour.................Knows a lot of dirty jokes
    Career Minded.............................Back Stabber
    Loyal..........................................Can't get a job anywhere else

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she got even.

    She went shopping to relieve her irritation.

    When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

    "Ten!" he hollered. "TEN?!"

    "Ten," is all she said, standing right up to him.

    "What could any woman want with ten new dresses?!"

    My mom calmly stood up and looked him right in the eye.

    "Ten new pairs of shoes and ten handbags."

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."

    "Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

    One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

    "Would you like to go out, girl"? he asked.

    Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

    They had a wonderful evening and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    12 years ago

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
    walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend:
    "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
    Those people walk just like that."

    The other student says:
    "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
    He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
    and one of the students said to him,
    "We're medical students and couldn't help
    but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
    Could you tell us what it is?"

    The old man said,
    "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said,
    "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    World Travel

    I have done a lot of travel in my long life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    But with all that travel, there is one place I don't ever want to go. I never want to be in Continent.

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY, I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?'

    WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

    MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
    I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

    SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

    THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE, WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

    "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

    "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

    HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

    "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

    THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A$$, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, S. O. B. ASKED:

    "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    Mr. O'Flaherty : I presume, Mrs. Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?
    Mrs. Murphy: Indeed I do, sir; it's a lock of my Dan's hair.
    Mr. O'Flaherty: But your husband is still alive.
    Mrs. Murphy: Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone.

    A woman was charged with a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'Iwill not pass through a red light' five hundred times'."

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    I love that one about the new dentist. The last two are good ones also. I was just wondering, does anyone need a new thumb drive?

  • bob414
    12 years ago

    NEWS BULLETIN

    Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

    Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

    While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

    Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

    Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

    One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

    A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

  • minnie_tx
    12 years ago

    bob414
    Didn't see your last post until today pretty funny !!

    Subject: 1961 - 2011

    This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
    1961 : Long hair
    2011 : Longing for hair
    1961 : KEG
    2011 : EKG
    1961 : Acid rock
    2011 : Acid reflux
    1961 : Moving to California because it's cool
    2011 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
    1961 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2011 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    1961 : Seeds and stems
    2011 : Roughage

    1961 : Hoping for a BMW
    2011 : Hoping for a BM
    1964 : Going to a new, hip joint
    2011 : Receiving a new hip joint
    1961 : Rolling Stones
    2011 : Kidney Stones
    1961 : Screw the system
    2011 : Upgrade the system
    1961 : Disco
    2011 : Costco
    1961 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2011 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved
    1961 : Passing the drivers' test
    2011 : Passing the vision test
    1961 : Whatever
    2011 : Depends
    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1993.
    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
    The CD was introduced 2 year s before they were born.
    They have always had an answering machine..
    They have always had cable.
    They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
    They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
    They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
    They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
    Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
    Do you feel old yet?
    So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    12 years ago
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