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Humor Thread for 2009

Pooh Bear
15 years ago

Here is the new humor thread for 2009.

This thread will run until January 1, 2010.

Until then please post all jokes here.

Thanks to everyone who contributes.

The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

Comments (82)

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!"
    He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

    He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

    He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

    The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

    The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

    Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

    The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

    Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

    Cabbie: "I married his widow..."

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  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Americans With No Abilities Act

    Washington, DC - (Dateline February 26, 2009)
    President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
    "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
    In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Democrat - pointed to the success of the U..S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
    Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
    Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
    Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
    Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
    "As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,"said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey."This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
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  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    What's the difference between,

    A flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?

    One's going to itch; the other's itching to go!

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Americans With No Abilities Act

    Excellent Pooh!!

  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
    while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine
    alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
    high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
    the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll
    just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes
    for free!"

    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
    you go on and give it a try?"

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
    same young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in
    hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
    swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde
    takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

    The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto
    its back.

    Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP !
    THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The Brain Transplant
    In the hospital, the relatives were gathered in the waiting room while a family member lay gravely ill.
    Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
    'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, and very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'
    The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
    One man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question that everyone wanted to ask, 'Why does a male brain cost so much more than a female brain?'
    The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure.... We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

    "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

    "To kill my husband."

    "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

    The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

    The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

    He takes the photo, and nods.

    "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Kitty Bank

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer had fallen on hard times and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

    That's when she shot him.

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
    Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
    The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

    "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
    "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll
    try to send her a few bucks myself."

    A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
    "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
    1. All the DNA is the same ...
    2. There are no dental records.

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
    The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
    "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
    "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
    "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

    Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
    Joe : "Really?"
    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

    A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
    "What did he say," asked the nurse.

    "OOPS"

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
    "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
    He's still in intensive care.

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage

    At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in
    South Philly they have a weekly husband's only
    marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest
    asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding
    anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
    into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
    all these years.

    Luigi replied to the assembled husbands,
    "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda
    money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy
    for the 20th anniversary!"

    The Priest responded "Luigi, you
    are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please
    tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
    Anniversary."

    Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Subject: Hillbilly Vasectomy

    After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

    The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

    'Trust me,' said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

    '1'

    '2'

    '3'

    '4'

    '5'

    At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

    She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

    Never try & Out do a Woman!!!

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.

    "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.

    Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

    "What? You coming empty handed"?

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

    "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

    The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"

    "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

    "Same for me," says the ostrich.

    "That will be $7.20," says the bartender.

    Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

    "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"

    The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Good one

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Getting Older: What we have to look forward to!
    ---------------------------------------------------

    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale, reminiscing.

    The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
    the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too,
    and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.

    The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
    you're talking about.."

    ********************************
    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

    A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
    After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

    He replies, "I lived here years ago."

    "So, where were you all these years?"
    "In prison," he says.

    "Why did they put you in prison?"
    He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

    "Oh!" said the woman, sliding down the bench to be closer to him, "So you're single...?"

    ********************************
    Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,
    had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community
    supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated
    across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances
    at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

    After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.. Yes, I will!"

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
    respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?
    He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

    With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he
    didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
    As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me,
    did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

    He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my
    heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember
    who had asked me."

    ********************************
    A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
    four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

    "Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

    "Twelve thirty."

    ******************************
    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical.

    A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
    woman on his arm.
    After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
    aren't you?"

    "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied.

    To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I sa id, 'You've got a heart murmur,
    be careful!'"

    ********************************
    A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples ,
    and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered
    a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, " Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

  • zep516
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol.
    He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

    The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells,
    "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

    Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

    For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

    Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:
    Dear God;
    Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "Whatll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
    The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "Thatll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this."
    A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
    The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again."
    The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!"
    The guy says, "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
    To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch.".

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
    If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
    And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover
    It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
    A) the condor
    B) the buzzard
    C) the cuckoo
    D) the vulture
    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer
    She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline
    She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde.
    But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
    'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo..
    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
    She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her
    And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
    Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
    'Is that your final answer?'
    'Yes, that is my final answer.'
    'That answer is Absolutely correct!
    You are now a millionaire!'
    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
    'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
    'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
    Sally fainted

  • bob414
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The Modern British Empire

    Noted in the book The Element:

    - - -

    Nowadays, being British means...

    Driving home in a German car,

    but stopping off to pick up some Belgian beer,

    and a Turkish kebab or an Indian takeaway,

    to spend the evening on Swedish furniture,

    watching American programs,

    on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all?

    Suspicion of anything foreign.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Cat Romance

    A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.

    The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "Id die for you!"

    The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
    ........................................................................
    Under the Bed

    Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night.
    So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.

    "I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
    under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears.."

    "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the
    doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

    "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

    "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
    lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved
    all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

    "Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,
    "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

    She commented, "I dont think thats going to help."

    "Sure it will." he said. "Its the only way I can see the numbers."
    .........................................................................
    A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

    The psychics eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

    The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

    "Yes granddaughter, its me."

    "Its really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

    "Yes, its really me, granddaughter."

    The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

    "Anything, my child."

    "When did you learn to speak English?"
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
    ~Fred Allen

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Where to Retire:

    You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can retire to California where
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

    You can retire to New York City where
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can retire to Maine where
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can retire to the Deep South where
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

    You can retire to Colorado where
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can retire to the Midwest where
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can retire to Florida where
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry.

    The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

    When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

    "Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

    "An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

    "Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

    "I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

    The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass. They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber net.

    American scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Toddwho was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucketwent in to try out for the job.

    "Okay," the sheriff began, "Todd, what is 1 and 1?"

    "Eleven," he replied.

    The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

    "What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

    "Today and tomorrow."

    The sheriff was again surprised that Todd had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

    "Now, Todd, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

    Todd looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

    "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

    So Todd wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

    Todd was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!"
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:
    "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another beinga being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
    To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.
    Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.

    "Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.

    "Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"

    "I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick."

    "What do you need a longer one for?" I inquired.

    "Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

    Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

    This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed uphe's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

    On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

    Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

    IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it --


    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

    CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Waht The Hcek?

    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

    The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

    Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

    The man said, "No problem."

    With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

    The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

    The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

    The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

    The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

    The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

    With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

    "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

    The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua were walking their dogs in the park. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher told the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go to that restaurant and get something to eat."

    The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there with the dogs."

    "Just follow my lead." They walked to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher put on a pair of dark glasses and walked in. A waiter said, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

    The guy with the Doberman Pinscher said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "A Doberman Pinscher?" the waiter asked.

    "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

    The waiter said, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

    The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua asked, astonished. "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

    "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

    "Sorry, but I cant do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer."

    "But that wont let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.

    "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "Thats Strange!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars!!!

    Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

    Sally said, "Finders keepers." So, she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

    The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

    "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

    Sally said, "No."

    Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

    Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

    The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

    The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

  • thirdfrt
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Word Definitions:


    Increase Your Word Power

    Learn a new word each day; it will help you to communicate better. This
    in
    turn will increase your job pay...maybe even get you a promotion!


    Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
    McDonald's.
    Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
    Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
    Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
    Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
    Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
    Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen
    cabinets.
    Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
    Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist. !
    Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
    Left Bank (left' bangk)': what the robber did when his bag was full of
    loot.
    Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
    Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
    Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
    Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): help on the farm.
    Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
    Primate (pri'-mat): removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
    Relief(ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
    Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
    Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
    Selfish (sel'-fish): what the owner of a seafood store does.
    Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
    Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): brought litigation against a government official.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter.

    The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

    Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

  • bob414
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    This one was inevitable.

    And sure enough, it has starting going around, forwarded by gullible friends who "mean well".

    Usually, it says it's a warning from the Health Department.

    Or the Centers for Disease Control.

    The warning:

    Don't eat canned pork, because...

    (yep!)

    you might get H1N1 -- Swine Flu.

    But it's not true. A total lie.

    That's right...

    ...it's just Spam.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    After every flight, airplane pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. These are claimed to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

    He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off the plane except this little old lady walking with a cane.

    She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

    "Why, no, ma'am. What is it?"

    "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

    He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

    The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

    "No." Artie answers.

    The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

    So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

    "I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

    Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

    The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

    "Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

    In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

    The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Dumbski

    Keith called his golfing partner to withdraw from their Tuesday night golf league.

    His partner inquired why after many years would he resign.

    "My wife and I are taking Russian lessons. The only available evening for both of us is Tuesday," Keith told him.

    "Does this have anything to do with the little Russian baby you both have just adopted?" replied his partner.

    "Yes it most certainly does," Keith replied, "We want to do everything right for this child and afford it every opportunity. So we're learning to speak Russian so when the child starts to talk we will understand what it says."
    .............................
    Roll Over, Beethoven

    When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

    The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

    When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

    He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

    Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
    The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"
    The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Two Blondes With Hammers...
    Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

    Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
    Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
    Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


    A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
    The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
    'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
    Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
    'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..
    Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
    The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Kurt sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
    The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
    Kurt replied, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
    The bartender responded, "That should make you happy."
    "No, the month is up today!"
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    Some kids were in the habit of teasing Timmy by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime.

    He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."

    One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"

    Timmy answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Now That's A Bad Joke!

    A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.

    They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."

    The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

    He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.

    Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

    "Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

    "We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."

    "Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...

    "I've brought you the Peking Duck."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A New York executive had been commuting for years. As the price of gas kept creeping up and the push for "planet green" was on, he found a carpool to participate in. Everything was fine in the carpool except when they were in the Lincoln Tunnel he would become terrified. This went on and on and got progressively worse.

    He felt he had to do something so he saw a Psychologist who after listening to the story told him what he had was very common..."What you have is carpool tunnel syndrome..."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    In the mountain backwoods you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeke decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edgeinto the wind he went!
    Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days, when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.
    "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaimed.
    Paw stood up, "Git my gun, Maw."
    Maw ran into the house and brought out his pump action shotgun. He took careful aim. BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.
    "I think ya missed him, Paw," she said.
    "Yeah," he replied, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeke!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.



    The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
    She goes downstairs.

    The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

    The blonde answers, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Two Blondes With Hammers...

    Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn , nailing down house siding, wouldreach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

    Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."


    Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
    defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

    "Wow!", said the blonde, "That's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!"
    So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

    "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

    Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

    The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

    +++++++++++++

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

    Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

    The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

    "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

    The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

    "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

    "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    ew Kind of Bait

    A fisherman is returning home with several large fish in his creel. A guy comes along and asks, "You been fishing?"

    "Uh, yeah."

    "What bait you using?"

    "Chewin' tobacco."

    "How'd you use chewin' tobacco as bait?"

    "I put the tobacco on the hook and drop the hook in the water. The fish nibble on the bait and when they come up to spit, I hit 'em on the head with my rod."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    Bee Sting

    "Please doctor, you've got to help me! I've been stung by a bee."

    "Don't worry, I'll put some cream on it."

    "You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

    "You don't understand. I'll put some cream on the place where you were stung."

    "Under a tree in my garden."

    "I mean on the part of your body where you were stung."

    "It was my finger. The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

    "Which one?"

    "How should I know? All bees look the same to me."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

    "This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

    Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

    "Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

    "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

    "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

    "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

    When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

    "Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

    "Oh, no," the man said. "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we," my husband confidently declared.

    One November night, the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

    "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
    The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
    He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Every time the couple tried to say something, the travel agent hushed them and said no thanks was necessary. He just wanted to do something nice for them.
    About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
    "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

    **********************************

    A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

    One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

    Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises....

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    The department store Santa Claus was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
    But Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type lass.
    "And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.
    "Something for my mother," said the young lady.
    "Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?"
    After a moment's thought, the girl brightened, turned to Santa, and said:
    "I'd like for her to get a son-in-law."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    To: All Employees
    From: Management
    Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
    Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
    1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
    2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
    3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
    4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
    5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
    6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
    In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Three pastors met and were talking over conditions at their churches.

    The first pastor said, "You know, since summer started, I've been
    having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything----noise,
    cats, spray, --nothing seems to scare them away."

    The second pastor said, "Yeah, my church too. There are hundreds of
    them living in the church basement. I've set traps and even called in
    an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far."

    The third pastor said, "I've had the same problem. So I baptized all
    mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one of them
    since."
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
    He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
    Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
    He got down to the last couple of minutes and a huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
    The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
    The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
    The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

  • minnie_tx
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician and his gorgeous wife.

    Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."

    My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before.
    The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."
    "No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    14 years ago
    last modified: 8 years ago

    Hadn't been over here in so long I almost forgot....