"I could ould find, hire a handyman/woman person, but they would have to sign a non-disclosure agreement."

Why on earth would anyone have to sign a non-disclosure agreement to install a shower bar? That's insane 😳

I would not install grab bars yourself but hire someone with the right tools and skills. I know what you mean about benches and stools but better to be safe. I don't know why this showed up the other day on my feed (I haven't been searching for similar) and I thought it was really informative about how to use a bench instead of a stool in a tub:

They also make grab bars that attach to the outside of the tub that don't require drilling:

If you have a shower curtain, I would just pull it closed when not in use so I didn't have to look at it all.

I think the grab bar would need to be attached/anchored to studs behind the wall to make it secure. This sounds frustrating. Do you have local friends or neighbors who might know someone reliable who could do this for you?

"Why on earth would anyone have to sign a non-disclosure agreement to install a shower bar? That's insane 😳"

I think she was being tongue in cheek about the state of her home/husband, lol!

For a permanent fix, "yes" to hiring someone who knows what they're doing and is capable of doing it. I don't understand the need for an NDA to do such a reno, but maybe you're in an apartment or rented home. Doesn't matter, I don't need to know.

There are temporary grab bars available at a hardware store, or even WalMart. They have a suction back which you dampen before positioning and then flick a switch to tighten. I used those for a couple years before I had the fiberglass tub removed and a walk-in shower installed. WITH professional grab bars.

I would not use the temporary ones as they can easily come lose.

Re bench or seats, I think those could be ok, but I would be concerned if you are feeling dizzy or do have mobility issues, that getting up from the seat could be a problem?

We remodeled our bathroom this year, and made sure to get grab bars installed properly. ( It took a while to find ones that were acceptable AND appropriate ). They're going to be drilling into your fiberglass surround, nd most definitely you don't want them to damage it. In our case it was tile, but inany case, they need to have the proper tools and know how.

In our last house we had my FIL move in for several months, and while we had taken out the tub and made a shower, this was all done before he moved in so we needed to add grab bars.

In each case, you really want someone who knows what they are doing. They do have to be drilled ito studs. Even the grab bars we put in for FIL that were near toilet etc had to be blocked.

Sorry you are dealing with this- but I'd definitely get omeone in to install them.

The suction grab bars work fine--if you don't have tile. Grout lines will break the seal. Your grab bar must be into a stud or a place behind the wall built up to accommodate the bar. Years ago DH tiled our main bathroom. At the time he put in beefed up 2x4s so we were ready for grab bars if we needed them. When my hip surgery became a thing he installed one bar across the back of the tub. I LOVE IT. I hold onto it often. I don't understand why they aren't just standard, and why so many of my friends prefer the suction bars so they can hide them so no one knows they use one. Vanity KILLS!! I often think I would like a seat but our tub is too skinny. I sit on the side of the tub to pumice out my foot calluses, and that works fine given I have the grab bar.

It's possible that your local hardware store can give you a few names of reliable installers. We bought bars at the time we remodeled the bathrooms and tucked them away for "someday". Someday arrived, and I am glad to have them. I would advise you to take care of it before something terrible happens.

Originally I got a shower chair because I would come in from working in the yard so dirty and tired, I sat on the floor of the shower. I love my shower chair. Get a real one, not a plastic lawn chair. I don't need a shower chair, but it is luxury to sit on it when sick and need a shower, or just really tired. There are some organizations that install grab bars for seniors. Ask insurance, or look at senior magazine for your county and look at ads at the back. I think grab bars are as important as a chair. Get them now, before you 100% need them.

I thank all of you and I appreciate your willingness to hike through my post. Right now I am in a lot of pain and frustrated with DH’s moods, mental or cognitive states.

I have to go into a bit of dark humor to cope and I understand if people want to skip on by.

Yes, any bars must be securely anchored in the wall studs. I have a tool to do that. Yesterday DH sent me a YouTube video about installing a showe grab bar. I watched it and swear I bookmarked it.Bery good video. Now I cannot locate it - maybe its in my history blah blah. Now the DH would like to see the video. Duh,double duh. He does not know what he sent me? This sort of thing is like a daily occurrence. I feel swamped and as though I am babysitting quints with various neuro-cognitive issues. I would pull my hair out but I only have about 1/5th the hair I had 2 years ago.

Good idea, faftis, about asking a hardware storefor the name of an installer. Maybe DH can move in with him.

ladypat sparked an idea. If ya can’t lick ’em, join ’em. I have some beach water shoes. If they are grippy enough, maybe they will give me better footing. (I have some foot issues and tend not to place my whole foot down so that all those key contact points hit. I would have balance if my feet worked. If I was not coping with so much pain (back pain, so a nod to Luigi if constant pain sent him bonkers).I also sturuggle with mega fatigue and DH who seems to be ailing from what, I don’t know. He’s getting increasingly cranky, lazy, unmotivated, surly, pig-headed, oppositional, defiant, blaming (sure, that makes sense, why not), solitary, self-absorbed — you know, the sort of traits we seek out in a mate.

I could just stop bathing ;) Or, I can buy some big clown shoes (perfect for the times). I could walk through a car wash.

I may get a quick Amaz* shower bench or chair while waiting for someone to put up grab bars. or, I may take my 25 year old Sawzall and make splinters of the bathroom.

When I was starting to clean out the fridge I grabbed the bag of green beans from the fridge door. They were in a beige shopper, but felt slippery and slimy. I tossed them on the counter to be put into the compost. I only want fresh, dry to touch, wholesome feeling green beens. I’m hungry, but someone is using the kitchen. Maybe if I ate the green beens, I would be over all problems and wouldn’t have to bother with grab bars.

I found an old grubby garden bench out back in the woods. Needs a lot of cleaning. Too big.

We have a teak shower bench by Aqua Teak. It solves the unattractiveness problem. It has been in the shower for over five years--no need to move it in and out. You can get them with a slight curve for more comfortable seating but we use ours for holding bath accessories, so it's a flat one.

https://aquateak.com/bathroom-shower-benches/

DH installed grab bars in the shower of our city unit for me. It's tiled so he had to purchase special drill bits for the tiles but he was very pleased with how easy they made the job. We also purchased a suction grab bar for the glass screen from a store that sells disability aids and it's great. As well as working in the city shower, I plan to take it with me when we travel as my MIL does with hers.

As to your DH, I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he may be on the slippery slope to dementia. I would urge you to take him for a medical assessment as there are drugs these days which can delay the process.

I ordered a shower grab bar from Amazon, and for a fee was offered the services of a handyman to install it. He did an excellent job.

I am very sorry you are going through all of this. None of it sounds pleasant.

If you have a normalish tub, this is easy to screw on and super solid. The suction cup grab bars didn’t work with the tile in either bathroom. This one also doubles as a handle near the toilet since you can reach it when seated.

Thanks. DH has has a weird personality for a while. If anyone can listen, I need to want to run some things past you (youse). Another note.

How many f’d up people have driven perfectly good people mad? I bet a lot of otherwise smart, sane, bright, sensitive, creative, women have been drive stark mad crazy by pigheaded messed up mates.

Sorry, skip on by if you want, block my posts, report me to the management. My DH’s nerdy, numb, apathetic when not mad at me, bone headed, block-headed guy’s behavior is causing me great distress, isolation, despair. He is numb. unfeeling a good part of the time (well except being mad at the nanny who urges him to bath, trim his hair, think a bit, and not be so icy cold.

A studio apartment with grab bars. Maybe bars on the windows.

The thing is, Although other people (some) can be fine, I don’t want to hear other people banging their doors closed, walking across the floor, talking on the phone, honking bye bue as they depart others to head for home. Pwople are okay, I just need lots of quiet and space (quiet). I hate appartment dwelling unless it is in a huge spacious place with lots of natural light and any nearby residents are mute and immobile. I suppose that sounds as though I am unfriendly or difficult to get along with.

I like certain people okay — sailing and birding enthusiasts, writers, painters, poets — but I don’t relish the sounds they make. They probably think it’s fine, but I don’t want to hear their car, lawn mower, vacuum cleaner, dog or music….

Most people are good, I think. But evry now any then ther is this niggling feeling that too many people are not all that bright or aware. So I’d like the studio to be a small, airy house on an island with the nearest neighbor at least 1/2 mile away or 1/4 mile if they were quiet, intelligent, curious, thoughtful, respectful and didn’t play the drums (tenor sax okay).

Well, technically half the population is below average.

It sounds like you are becoming severely depressed (if you aren't already) due to your DH's behaviour. You need to have a serious talk with him and to get counselling, at least for yourself, to help you clarify what you want to do. If he isn't willing to change, you may be best off considering at least a separation so you don't have to deal with an unmotivated curmudgeon you spend half your time trying to motivate or get to at least not create more things you have to tidy or repair.

Thanks. I am getting very frustrated.

Mister man guy will not exercise, clean, pick up. He doesn’t interact with me beyond bringing me coffee. Snores like a frieght train so sleeps in an Ekorne’s Stress-less recliner by the wood stove in the living room. Smack in the path. He has one colleague that he speaks with once a week. He lives in his head, good at computer software and troubleshooting.

Has no interests beyond bits, bytes and some in the crazy situation he sees the US in.

He seems to have no goals or plans. Friendly, but if he doesn’t have interaction with others, that seems okay with him. I do not considering him in touch with himself, but he feels he is. He used to bicycle, play squash, have squash friends, work friends. But he seems to have a lot of apathy. Longstanding. or his personality is maybe too low key.

I have asked him many times if he feels okay. If he feels depressed. Honestly, I wonder if he would even know. For a long while, no skip in his walk metaphorically.

I have lots of interests but am thwarted by lots of pain (and fatigue) and by feeling that I am half babysitting a toddler with some vague issues.

I like small sailboatimg, kayak, canoeing, birding, wild mushroom foraging, repairing sewing machines, gardening (back pain takes the fun out of it), cooking, creating things, writing, lots of things.

Some years ago, he was working out of state and I acted as a sort of general contractor to get stone steps, roofin replace, small dozer for landscaping. We needed gutters, the roofer guy gave us name. DH did not want to spend the modest good deal amount on them. Foolish me, I went along. Now a d for years, rain water pours down the large steep roof, splashes against the front door siding, so that now, big surprise, ROT. For a bright guy in math, physics, computer science and engineering, he can exhibit some stupid behavior.

I think of him as one of these personalities that hugs the x-axis. Calm, can be boring, not a lot of amplitude. He used to read more broadly. We used to talk about ideas, human behavior, physics, science. He is now increasingly in his own world. I sometimes think of it as pre care home. I have suggested that if he does not want to get moving on house maintenance work, cleaning his messy office, that maybe he would like to tutor kids in math, physics, computer science. Nope.

I asked him to go so,eplace for hours every day, so that I can begin to tackel all the cleaning and work without tripping over him. Nope.

His behavior is going to send me to a psyche ward. I have zip support after being in chronic pain for so long and with a mate that won’t pitch in or move. Or even get out of my way.

When he is not in a boggy moody apathetic slunk, he can be interesting and nice.

it is hard for me to be patient and understanding and I end up getting frustrated and angry.

Maybe if I found someone (need an internist, PCP first) for him to see, he would go. But whatever is going on can be very subtle. And I don’t want someone just slap dashing and labelling in a wy that is not helpful.

Sometimes, I have wondered his personality isn’t just an admixture of traits and brain build.

Nerdy kind introvery, cerebral, maybe a chunk of immaturity, defensiveness, maybe some high functioning neurodivergent trait like Asperger’s, maybe now some cognitive decline or senility. He father had a lot of anger toward his wife — misplaced anger and hurt from when he was young and his mother died and he was left with a brute father. No one was there to ever help him understand his hurt and anger from that huge loss. So, I think he (DH’s father) just went on and later when he was married had difficulty not transferring that misplaced anger onto his wife (a very happy, energetic, creative person who grew up with lots of unconditional love. I suspect having a wounded father like that influence DH in deep wys he could not be aware of.

I do not see many or sometimes any reasonable options for me for dealing with this issue. It is complicated by some of me medical issues, pain, this large house and his not wanting to do anything about moving. He will not plan anything w me.

I have bbe asking him for financial info. Years. I will have to get info i dependently. Nothing dodgy., he is just an unmotivated slob. I bought him file cabinets, folders and so on. Who know what’s in them besides broken or extra computer parts. His ”filing” system goes like this: Bunches of envelopes tied with rubber bands until the elestic breaks. These bundles of envelopes are piled on a desk. The contents of the envelopes are not all one category of bill or statement or receipt. Rather there is more of a stratigraphy like arrangement. All statements and receipts say between on period of time to another go in one bunch (electric, car payment, credit card, etc.) So if I, unfamiliar with his kludgey system wanted to see a copy of a dental bill, I’d have to know whether it was in the Precambrian or Jurassic.

After breaking my back I use a bath stool in the shower. I put a tub mat down but I find it is still slippery so now when I stand up I put my wash cloth under my feet so I won't slip.

As @colleenoz mentioned, the changes in your husband fit the symptoms of dementia. Please get him evaluated so you can make plans now rather than later when it's far more difficult.

Thanks. We have no PCP or internist now. How do I go about doing that — if he will cooperate.

He has been this way for a while — years.

And what if anything can be done?

His difficult behavior is stressing me, but we are bonded forever.

Petalique - I wish I had some helpful advice to offer. Lacking that, I guess all I can offer is sympathy. I hope that whatever path you end up taking, you prioritize your own well-being and find time to enjoy your interests.

Tell him how much his behaviour is stressing you. Tell him that if he doesn't want to do anything, fine, but he needs to get out of the frickin way so you can do what needs to be done. Tell him that on top of your own pain you're dealing with you no longer have the ability to deal with someone who makes everything twice as hard by his unwillingness to help or get out from underfoot.

Have all of your bills and other finances put into your name so that you get the bills. Tell him that your problems are compounded by constant worry that everything will fall apart because you're not sure he is keeping on top of managing your finances. Don't include him in financial decisions any longer because as the gutter incident has shown, his judgement is no longer up to it.

You may be bonded forever but you don't have to live together.

My suggestion for a studio apartment was just a metaphor for you needing your own space. It could be a cabin in the woods, it could be a rental. You can decide how much time to spend there. First of all, I would get a handle on your finances and see what is possible. If he's so disorganized and isolated, it's possible he isn't spending your money but hoarding it.

If you are concerned about leaving him, think about the fact that this is killing you and you will leave him on his own when you die. There is nothing reasonable about both of you living like this, when you could have a reasonable life away from him. What will happen to him if you die first, or become so disabled you can't live at home? Whatever that is, it can happen while you are alive, so you can save yourself.

If you can get away, you can involve adult protective services to monitor him if you feel he cannot care for himself. They can force him into a safe living situation, but likely won't if you're living in the house, unless he's physically violent to you and it sounds like he's not at this point. Sometimes that does happen as dementia progresses, so keep that in mind.

Keep talking with us! Lots of people here care about you.

I like the attachment screwed on the tub. I never knew they existed. People will think it weird that I have never taken a shower in the 40 years of living in this house, or any of our homes. I only take showers when traveling. I take a bubble bath every single night with my current book. Thirty minutes soaking in the tub ends my day. I'm probably one percent of the population. My pedestal sink is near the tub and I sometimes hold onto that. I'll look for that attachment at Lowes.

Thanks so much. His moods are variable. i will try to take care of myself and see that we both get good sleep. Sometimes I cannot sleep and sometimes I get hit with walls of fatigue. I will try to not make too many dem ds on him but did clear things from beneath the sink so he can install the disposal. Else Someone else can come buy to do it.

Eileen sent a helpful link to nice looking lightweight teak shower seats. I will try to order one. When I am not using it in the shower, I can use it in my farrier work (kidding).

DH is much more organized than I about paying bills. I keep having to crash with fatigue or cannot endure pain so have to get horizontal. Then I might sleep a lot. My brain is mush. The electric is in my name, I will call electric and see my account online.

DH is acrually organized paying and keeping track of bills. It’s his filing system that is junky and I also want and need to understand how he works things.

I can see a bit of difference in the increased amount of daylight. A clematis that I had to bring inside is highly tuned to daylight or some circadian gobbledigoop. It was potbound and in showder in the kitchen and it already has a lot of fat buds. I think its the same plant that I house tortured last year. It bloomed around January 19th and so it seems right on target. I notice those orange daylilies, H. fulva are pretty much determined to bloom at the same time each year.

I purchased that awesome tub handle on amazon Lily. It is currently $32.

edit to add that if you want to shop in person, you may find the items at medical supply stores rather than Lowes.

link to handle

Hang in there Petalique 💜

Thanks, Joan. I'll be checking this out.

https://www.amazon.com/Bathtubs-Showers-Suction-Handicap-Bathroom/dp/B0933PF5J7/ref=asc_df_B0933PF5J7

Some older friends have these, I was skeptical but they hold amazingly well. Not to put all your weight on (although I pulled pretty hard and they didn’t budge), but to stabilize yourself they should work fine. I just put them in my dad’s tub/shower.

I need to read your description of DH more carefully, but my immediate impression is that he is depressed. I know quite a few people who take a low dose of an anti-depressant like Zoloft (sertraline). It takes a month or two, but the results have been good.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I do not know how old you are, whether you have children (adult children?) or other family/good friends anywhere around. But I see in your complaints some very familiar things, and here are some of my thoughts, which may be completely irrelevant or off-base, and apologies if so.

First, you ought to do whatever it takes to get your health in order. Have you explored everything that's slowing you down physically? Received 2nd opinions and consulted experts and sometimes different types of doctors in order to get your health in order?

Second, this husband, who seems to disdain you or worse, is (I imagine), the person who will be in charge of determining your end-of-life care. Trust me when I tell you, that seeing the end of life care that someone I know received, made these thoughts real for me, and have caused me to re-think a ton of things. Know how you might fare in that scenario, if you stay put with him, no matter how many years away that is.

Third, you need to get a good handle on the finances. If you can't, because of blockades by your significant other, that tells you all you need to know. Get out and get a lawyer. In the meantime, get your hands on every single thing thing you can and make copies, for yourself. You have the right to do that.

Fourth, like a frog put into a pot of water that eventually boils (however that quote goes), you have tolerated too much for too long, and you have become an expert at justifying the day-to-day nonsense you are receiving. I am so sorry for this, and can empathize with your situation. You are capable of more than you know, and there is help out there for people who are stuck in terrible relationships. Friends, relatives, support groups, apps, senior centers, and so much more. You are not as "stuck" as it might seem. In my case, I decided my age would not allow me to stay in a terrible situation, and a few years later, I realize that the "stuck" sensation I used to feel was in my own mind.

I really wish you the best. You deserve better.

PCP - you definitely need one and DH does too. Ask your local friends if they like their PCP, contact the office, see if they are taking new patients and your insurance/Medicare. Ideally one familiar with elder care, but anyanyway i’d better than none. When you get a PCP, get in there for a full workup including mental state. Drag DH in for the same. Separate appointments but you want to sit in on his.

Finances - as said by others, find out what income, assets, accounts you/DH have. Start with checking account; get statements from bank, trace inflows/outflows. When you know what the financial situation is, you’ll be better able to consider options.

Living situation - don’t rule out the small apartment idea. My dad is 89, his wife died, he moved in with us for 3 years, eventually he couldn’t handle the stairs, refused to consider assisted living claiming he couldn’t afford it (untrue), we got him a small top-floor apartment five blocks from my house on a nice commercial street, furnished it, he’s much happier now, more active. Building is new, quiet (I never hear neighbors), elevator. Apartment has big windows, very easy to keep clean, everything new and works, repair crew fixes anything within a couple days. Kitchen is small but has everything needed. Two blocks to grocery store, dozens of eateries within easy walk. Being forced to get outside and walk several blocks most days has been very good for him. (P.S. We’re much happier too - dad is depressive, reclusive, a terrible hoarder - fortunately no longer drives so he can’t accumulate much now - with weird personal habits.)

Shower - go online and buy some Crox slip-on shoes, great shower shoes and pretty comfy for general use. I gather chefs and other people who are on their feet all day like them.

Senior resources - find out what there is in your area, try them out. I have friends who work in this area, there are a lot of resources available (here, anyway) if people know to look for them. Help on finances, legal, care, home, etc is available. It’s a good idea to get plugged into this network as early as possible.

We have the suction type grab bars, but I do not consider them "grab" bars. I consider them "balance" bars. I just hold it lightly to keep my balance if needed. You need ones which won't try to stick over your grout lines. It has gotten slightly loose a time or two, but I just re-stick. I'm happy with it and do not want to drill holes in the tile.

I don't know enough about your setup to be specific, so I'll toss out some thoughts that may have value for you.

About grab bars. These are a necessary addition for we elderly and for others also. If you are adding grab bars to a shower stall, there is an important item that should not be ignored. Do not depend on fastening to just the shower wall. The fasteners holding the bars should be driven into substantial studs behind the stall wall (screws passing through the stall wall and into a stud.). to do this, you need to know where the studs are located behind the shower wall. If you are adding bars to a tiled wall above a tub, again, these must be driven into studs behind the tile. If you do not know where the studs are located, it might be time to call in a pro. Common Stud finders may or may not work well in these locations.

A clamp-on bar to a tub wall is helpful. Do not get just any low cost contraption. Get a quality item that clamps securely to the tub wall.

If you will be doing extensive work like converting from a tub to shower stall, consider the size of the drain pipes. When we converted, our plumber found that we had 2 inch drains and current codes call for 3 inch drains. He worried about this until he was able to get a variance from our building inspector's office. Our house was built in the 1970s and the codes changed since then.

When our tub became too dangerous for us, we opted to convert from a tub to a shower. After doing this I heartily recommend it. It has been more enjoyable and much safer. I chose the brand, Sterling, a product by Kohler. It has many good features. Our installation was done by professionals. Tiling the bathroom floor was added. The total job cost was n the neighborhood of $8000.

After installation, for my wife, I found a 4 legged bench seat at Menards. She preferred this to the built-in adder bench that came with the shower stall. Benches and chairs do not work well in a tub because most tubs do not have a large flat space on which to place a stool or bench.

Grab bars-the real thing-are vital. Suction bars can work ok but are not dependable and if they come off when you grab, well that is a very bad thing.

Best practices is to provide horizontal wood studs when you put in the bathroom at the height that you will need but you could make do with one end in a stud and the other having specialty anchors depending on what the wall is made of. They are made for such things. You need to know if your wall qualifies to use them. Also bars come in a host of lengths and you get one that fits your stud spacing. I think it calls for a handyman if you dont have any skills in that area. I would do it if I were you. My DH put off putting in the bars I selected for his shower. He used those suction ones but they did fall off from time to time. When I needed to use his shower he finally installed the grab bars. So much more safe.

Thank you and thank you again. I appreciate you kind pals going out of your way and offering good ideas and support.

Things have gotten a bit better (but may go off track again). He got some sleep and again, I seemed able to get across to him that his repeated procrastination for long periods of time is very stressful — for both of us. He seemed to get it, but sometimes he gets all third grader and whataboutism on me.

For my part I am trying to be positive and helpful. Some might well argue that I am no bargain. I was incredibly fatigued and sleepy and slept a lot for two days.

He has gotten ”unmotivated” about the gas generator for 2 years, leving ethanol fuel in it (both of them) and the carbs were gummed up. He got an estimate on fixing one of them, but too high. (In the back of my head I was thinking of just buying a very pricy dinky 2500 Honda for about $1800 or $2500.) I am pretty good at perusing CL for good used items and have gotten us near new appliances for free or cheaps. I found what looked like a good used generator 40 minutes away. I had to nudge DH to get moving, call the guy. He did, It was a very nice used 5000 Watt generator on wheels, well maintained, good price, nice seller. Whew! One problem out of the way. We lose electricity fairly often because our provider has lots of wooded area. We have a wood stove for heat, but after two days of no electricity, no running water, it gets old fast.

I found a nice looking shower bench on Amaz* and ordered that. Returnable. I am disgusted w Bezos but withou trekking and shopping or buyin a Walmart one that was not returnable, I caved.

The suction grab stuff, even a soap dish will not adher to the fiberlass, so we will install stainless steel sfety bars that go into 16” on center wall studs. There is a very good video on YouTube that gives detailed instuctions. DH has already looked at bars at Lowes.

“Installing A Grab Bar in a Fiberglass Shower. *Grab Bar not Included* - YouTube”

➡️ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqZ9rk7vqkM

He is usually a swwet, smart, kindly person but with a tendency to be a block head. He insists he is not depressed. I’m not sure he would know. I think he can easily get into a rut of plopping one food down, then the other and forgetting to pay attention — pull back, get perspective. I think some of it is insecurity about even trying. This is someone well educated, cerebral, but who also used to tuned up out cars, change the oil, replace parts like a worn out thermostat spring. He has two big steel tool boxes and we have enough gear and tools to have made Jimmy Carter envious.

About twenty, 20, years ago, I wanted him to construct a simple lumber rack to hold extra 2x4s, pine planks a d so on. I was ready to stand on a ladder to reach the floor joists and do it myself. I am on the petite side and not as strong as a 6’ 250 Lb mesomorph. All this “Rack” thing is, is avout 4 2.5’ sections of 2x4 that are screwed into the floor joista/exposed beams in the cellar ceiling. Not rocket science. A few or more stupid arguments over this for over two years ( ot constantly). One day I got so peeved, I just got in the car and got away.

I returned at the end of the day and he came to greet me and apologize. He sincerely apologized and said that he wasn’t confident he could do it. I can understand that, truly. But you know, it only involes a few 2x4s, nails or screws. About 30 to 60 minutes. Maybe a step ladder. Make a mistake, live w it or start over for another $8 in materials. A lot of people have to start over, practice, etc..

Well, he led me into the cellar where he’d built this very nicely hung lumber rack. Perfect! He’d even put some lumber pieces on it. He was proud of it and felt silly making such a big deal out of it. I expressed my appreciation.

We both grew up with parents who had gone through the depression. Both of our parents could get overwhelmed and be critical. They had no idea who damaging harsh critical words and yelling can be to kids. I hope people don’t still behave that way towards their children.

Since then DH has built two more such racks and a cellar pantry shelf.

I sometimes think that he might be overwhelmed or afraid of ”failure” if he sets about thinking how to downsize and move. I’ll help him remember the story of the simple lumber rack.