Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time.

The way I have seen it work well is for the children to walk down the aisle but not stand through the ceremony. Rather, they sit in a front or near-front row with some appropriate relative who is ready there to collect them when they get there (and take them out if necessary). Children of three or younger are pretty unpredictable. Even well-behaved ones can be overwhelmed by a wedding. But the problem then isn't the children -- it's the adults in charge of them who don't scoop them up and leave if they become disruptive.

Dear all, I did bring up the suggestion of babysitting so they could have time together. As expected, it was declined. I didn't actually think of paying for the date. Some time with our grandchild is well worth the price of some movie tickets. Great idea. Fred doesn't seem to be fully aware of her hold on him. He has to wash his own laundry, pay the full rent etc... while being on full parent duty every moment he's not at work. He seems to think that the better father he can be that things will improve and be cured. We've purchased a book called: Grandparent's Rights: Your Legal Guide to Protecting Your Relationship with Your Grandchildren by Traci Truly Sourcebooks Inc 2006 My husband feels that things are so precarious with Tracey's strong hold over Fred that he is terrified to broach the subject. In the meantime we have be keeping a written log of contacts and visits just in case. The bursting into tears was comletely involuntary. I would take it back if I could. (Fred had reported back to her that I had cried. She uses this as a reason to be upset with me, saying that I overreacted, and that that was really immature.) Fred had been thrown out for the umpteenth time and had actually spent that week with us. We thought he was finally free of her. When he announced the news I saw his life before me -tied to her forever, constantly fearfully of upsetting her, manipulated, his own child used for leverage and power. Am I really sure that Fred is the father? No. Only she can know that. When he was here with us we both advised him to continue making his plans to be on his own and to get a DNA test, while still walking away. He protested money and we said we would pay. He wouldn't get the test, though his name is on the birth certificate. It is sad times here in our house. We have so much love to give. Technical Questins for Dana: I'm brand-new to this whole online thing. DH = dear husband? Dnephews =? Thank you for your responses.

There's a fairly good chance she doesn't even know what he received....my brother had no interest in my wedding gifts and vice versa. He was still in college when I married, and my mom even had the whole gift display up in the dining room (a southern thing, I think, the planner rents tables and pretty tablecloths to ring the room in your parent's house, and you set up all the pretties on the tables or the risers. When people visit, they can view the goods, lol. My mom's friends hosted my bridesmaid luncheon at my parent's house, and they adored seeing who sent what!) I don't think he set foot in that room the whole time it was set up! Plus, needless to say, of course you don't display checks. :) Anyway, just saying that probably the only people who might notice there was a discrepancy would be the parents. If you are close you could explain your rationale, Otherwise, they'll either think you forgot how much you gave brother, or you've become "cheap" (lol, not!) or since the whole family isn't attending, you've pared your gift down accordingly, lol. And you, indeed, are probably thought of very fondly by your nephew. If my auntie slipped me a thou for my wedding..,I'd be the greatest niece ever! ;)