red_lover - again putting on my photographer's hat in regard to flowers (if you prefer that I don't chime in, please let me know, I don't mean to be overbearing). You may want to consider real flowers for DD bouquet. I know that I typically get close ups of the bouquet and silk ones (no matter how high the quality) never look quite the same as real ones do in close ups - they don't reflect the light the same way and there's always a few random "strings" as well that are give aways. Far away (i.e. normal viewing distance, many people won't know the difference, but in close ups of the flowers, it's something that you see. The drawback (aside from cost) with real is that they do wilt/die. Avoid "delicate" flowers or make certain that the photographer gets the details of DD flowers at the start of the day (actually, I do this as a matter of course - they are at their peak then). Another option that DD may want to look into is something that is less traditional, but looks beautiful and can tie into the antique theme well - the brooch bouquet. (I've attached a photo from one that I photographed before) Not necessarily cheaper by any stretch, but it can become a gorgeous keepsake. There's the possibility to even "deconstruct" it later and use the various pins with outfits, or possibly even hand down special pins to (possible) children that she and her future DH have together. Do silk for the bridemaids - I've seen a lot of brides who do that and it works pretty well.

I know the event has come and gone and hope it was okay. But I did want to point out that people really don't "have" to attend family events that will distress them. There is nothing wrong with passing on the wedding with a sincere apology that you are simply not able to do such things yet. There's nothing wrong with their going ahead with their plans, either. If it is ok for them to have the wedding because that is the best course of action for them, why wasnt it ok for you not to attend, if that would have been better for you? Sometimes I wish we still had the custom of not going to social events for a set mourning period after the death of a close relative. Just think--- no invitations to have to decline, no well meaning friends urging you to get out and have a good time or move on, etc. and at the end of mourning the social restrictions would be over. ....much less chance of breaking down in public, etc., and those inclined to dwell on sadness would have a sort of built in mechanism and set point at which to stop mourning and come back out socially. I think that would be a useful custom to revive, at least for a three months period and preferably for six months. People would still have to go back to work during that period, but imagine how nice it would be not to be asked to take on extra volunteer responsibilities during that time, like company-sponsored Habitat events or teams running 10k's for charity, etc.

Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time.

The way I have seen it work well is for the children to walk down the aisle but not stand through the ceremony. Rather, they sit in a front or near-front row with some appropriate relative who is ready there to collect them when they get there (and take them out if necessary). Children of three or younger are pretty unpredictable. Even well-behaved ones can be overwhelmed by a wedding. But the problem then isn't the children -- it's the adults in charge of them who don't scoop them up and leave if they become disruptive.