I have to agree that if a child has the opportunity to repeat the same bad behavior over and over, there is a lack of supervision. I also agree that some kids require more supervision than others. When you have a kid like that, and you know, you have to work harder. It's not the parents' fault that the kids is more difficult. But the fact that he/she is more difficult requires more, and different, strategies from the parents. I also agree this mother needs support in the form of other parents. She needs to get an idea of what behavior is within the range of normal, and what is not, and what other parents do to modify the behavior of their kids... normal and not so normal. I'm not sure online will be sufficient. There is nothing like having a good long chat with friends who are in the same place in life as you are. It doesn't help to blame, or even to diagnose sometimes. Doesn't matter why or how the child came to be more difficult that others. What matters is creative strategies to modify the behavior, and coping strategies for the parents who get worn out dealing with it. I have a 6 y/o DS who is difficult. He is the youngest of four, and I swear came into our family just b/c DH and I thought we had this parenting thing figured out and needed to be reminded we have a lot to learn. He is oppositional; he is defiant; he is difficult. I worry about it; I apologize for it; I even joke about it. But I do not deny it. My 15 y/o expresses the 6 y/o's attitude perfectly with this line, "I reject your reality and substitute my own." He does not take authority or instruction well. He will argue with almost everything. He can also be cooperative and respectful... getting it from him just takes a lot more effort and creative thinking than the other kids required. He forces a person to think outside the box... way outside! He exhibits the emotions and behaviors of any other 6 y/o, just amplified. On steroids. With greater zeal and stamina. While some kids will test the boundaries, learn and give up, DS will test and test and test and test... systematically looking for a weak spot or to wear a person down. He tries to negotiate everything, even when it doesn't make any sense to negotiate, when it's not even in his advantage. He just has to debate everything! Not just with me, with everyone. I read the description on that website for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He fits it, although I'm not sure it interferes enough with school and life. It does sometimes, but not always. For example, third day of kindergarten he was removed from the school bus and I had to pick up him at school. The bus driver enforced a new rule that: kindergarteners sit together in the front, older grades sit with their grade going back the bus. My 6 y/o wanted to sit with his brother in 5th grade and refused to follow the rule or the driver's directions of where to sit. He argued with the driver, defied him, until an administrator was called to remove him from the bus. That day, it interfered with his life. He has not been back to the principal's office since. Now in first grade, about twice/month DS comes home with a comment in his agenda that he did not follow directions at some point that day. About 3 times this year he's had "silent lunch" (sitting at an isolated table) for not following directions. I believe his teacher to be fair, and I believe she likes him and does what is best for him. I've known her a few years and she's earned that from me. (Ironically, the bus driver eventually asked me for suggestions on how to handle the kid when he gets that way, I said sit him with his brother and let his brother work with him. It works. His brother knows what to say to make him think about his choices. So he did, and it works. Go figure.) I have had to learn (and teach DH and sometimes older siblings who watch him or work with him on some task). I know what will trigger inappropriate behavior. Stress, new situations, and frustration are all sure ways to bring it out. So that first week of kindergarten, something was bound to happen. I explain it to DH like this. Think of how you feel, as an adult, when you are thrown into a new situation. It seems like everyone else around you is very competent and familiar with the tasks. You, though, have no idea what to do and even what questions to ask. That is how DS feels every day. He wants to get it right, but has no idea how, so he acts out to release the stress that causes. As the youngest in the family, it probably looks to him like everyone else knows what to do, and he's useless. So I give him tasks and don't let the other kids step in and do it for him. He needs to feel competent and valued. I talk about what to expect from a situation, I have to remember that even though I've taught this lesson three times already, I haven't taught it to him. (I can forget that.) My new phrase with him lately is "People don't like it when you act that way." Or variations on it, "People won't listen if you talk that way." If he starts debating for the sake of gaining control, being in control, I tell him that. So far it is actually helping. He stops and thinks about the way he is acting. He'll even rephrase what he wants to say in a better way, a way that others will listen to. My next step is to make a behavior contract for him. I'm working it out in my head, then I'll put it on paper. I want to list behaviors that I expect from him: following directions the first time; doing homework in X amount of time (not dragging it out with complaints); following the rules in a game; obeying house rules like 20 mins computer time limit. I'll give points (0 to 3) based on how well he met the expectation. Never, sometimes, usually, always. And a reward (or lack of) based on the points each day/week. There are kids who behave worse than DS. I mean, I can take him in public. Usually. ;o) He is just more difficult than the average kid. I don't like to send him to play at a friend's without me b/c I know he will sooner or later defy that adult. He does not obey without some compelling reason. "Because I'm the grown up" carries almost no weight with him. Even with a compelling reason, he will try to negotiate. It's almost like a compulsion to oppose. He could tell me for 30 minutes he needs to use the bathroom when we're out. I finally find one, and send him, and he'll refuse, "I don't have to go now." Just b/c I told him to go. He'd stand there and pee his pants and deny that he has to go the whole time. He could be sweating til he's soaked and when someone says "It's hot," he'll insist it's cold. Dozens of times every day there is some debate like that. Now, I'm saying "People don't like it when you act that way." He also knows that when I start counting down, I'm done hearing his arguments, I'm not listening. I give him a direction, he might refuse to follow, I start counting backwards starting with what I think is a reasonable time to comply. Just doing that triggers something in him, flips a switch almost, to shut off the opposition. In fact, especially in a public place or he's too far away for me to shout at him to hear me, I hold up my fingers and start counting down 10 to 0 that way. He is mentally exhausting. He is a handful, I know it. I don't know what/if I "made" him that way. I don't do things knowingly to contribute to it. DH was home with him recently and had to leave to get other kids somewhere. DS refused to put on his shoes b/c they weren't the ones he wanted to wear, couldn't find what he wanted. DH called me on my cell phone saying DS was having a tantrum, refused to get up and out the door. I just said "How big is he? How big are you? Pick him up, put him and the shoes in the car, stop talking to him, and he'll get is act together before you arrive." He did. And the 15 y/o told me later, "Mom, that's what I told Dad to do!" LOL! Sometimes this kid can just wear a person's mind down until you cannot think anymore. That is exactly what he is going for! So I push myself to resist, knowing it will get worse if I don't. I'm in charge, I act like it. The other kids just did not challenge it as much (at least so far). This one... ay yi yi! He spends more time challenging me about doing a task than the task takes when he finally just does it. I tell him plainly, "I'm not changing my mind. You will not win this." And I stick to it. I do b/c I know if I don't, there will be chaos and anarchy. Sorry so long. I'm just want to say, a parent HAS to have other parents to talk to. To debrief, compare notes, vent, brainstorm... That's how you know if your child's behavior is something other have dealt with and how, or if you've got something extreme on your hands. I think my DS is still within the range of normal, but he's at the "difficult" end of the range.

Sometimes you can get thrift store and such to donate some stuff if you explain/ask. Is there a Micheles in town, maybe they would donate supplies. I find when it's for women/child centers, that they aer very helpful! If not, I bet a few of us could send you a lil care pkg!!! Just let me know! I think it would be fun for all of us to send a little something! I have enough "stuff" I just wouldn't miss any!ha! Jane

I was thinking about this thread as I was doing some reading in various places about humus. Even wikipedia puts it this way about stable humus: " this is organic matter that has been protected from decomposition by microbial or enzyme action because it is hidden (occluded) inside small aggregates of soil particles or tightly attached (sorbed or complexed) to clays. Most humus that is not protected in this way is decomposed within ten years and can be regarded as less stable or more labile." It also refers specifically to lignin being one of the main precursors to humus, and that black carbon (e.g. biochar) also seems to contribute a lot to stability. Interesting the way that OM gets attached to clays. I don't know if this is actionable information or what it tells us exactly about what to do in this case; but I'd be tempted to place an emphasis on woody/pulpy inputs (or composts from them) in adding organic material, or at least plant material (stems? corn cobs/stalks? etc) or paper/cardboards that have fair amounts of lignin and get some charcoal/biochar in there too. Just speculating somewhat, but hopefully logically. This will have implications for nitrogen and other nutrient availability - i.e. it might make growing some types of plants or getting good yields harder, at least in short term - but might have benefits in getting there to more stable soil in long term. FWIW.

Talk about putting things up and forgetting where.....the lady I fostered the pups for gave me a huge bottle of pyrantel, a wormer, and it was in the front seat of my truck forever, and I finally put it up somewhere. Now I need it and I have looked everywhere I can possibly think of and I haven't found it yet. One time I found $900 in the glove compartment of my car. I had put it there and forgot it about it. This was years ago when obviously my husband made a lot more money than he does now. We went on vacation and I think I put it in there in case something happened and we needed the extra money. I got a pair of shorts at a thrift shop and the first time I wore them, put my hands in the pockets and found two twenty dollar bills folded together in one of them. I have also found kittens in a dumpster. Raised them on a bottle. Right now I am raising 3 baby squirrels. Someone found them in the attic of an old house they were tearing down. I don't usually raise squirrels, but the person who usually does, "retired". Actually, her husband retired and they want to travel, and so she has quit rehabbing. There is someone I could have given them to, but they aren't good at raising baby animals. I am feeding them every 4 hours and I am worn out from not getting any uninterrupted sleep. I go to sleep easily and wake up fast, but after being up and moving around for 30 to 45 minutes, I have a harder time going back to sleep again.