How to Go Through a Deceased Loved One’s Belongings
A professional organizer offers sensitive and practical advice on sorting through a loved one’s things
If you’ve recently lost a loved one, you’re probably experiencing overwhelming emotions, and you may also be facing a long list of logistical tasks. As a professional home organizer, I often help clients tackle the daunting prospect of going through a deceased loved one’s belongings. Here’s my best advice on getting through this process.
2. Welcome Help From Those You Trust
Decluttering after a loss is a difficult physical and emotional undertaking. For many people, facing the task alone can be unbearably overwhelming. You might consider asking a trusted friend or family member to be there for you as you make decisions. Even if you don’t need help deciding what to do with your loved one’s belongings, you may find it healing to be able to share memories and stories that the items will inevitably evoke. Having friends or family present can provide emotional support when you need to take a break and cry.
Trusted friends or family can also give you perspective when you need it and be there for you when you can’t face certain tasks. It may be an easy decision to keep certain things, such as your partner’s wedding ring. But other, seemingly simple decisions — like getting rid of a toothbrush, razor, shampoo or medication — may actually be very difficult as they are reminders that your loved one is no longer part of your daily routine. A friend can help you face the hard task of letting go of items that you know must go but are emotionally difficult to relinquish.
Decluttering after a loss is a difficult physical and emotional undertaking. For many people, facing the task alone can be unbearably overwhelming. You might consider asking a trusted friend or family member to be there for you as you make decisions. Even if you don’t need help deciding what to do with your loved one’s belongings, you may find it healing to be able to share memories and stories that the items will inevitably evoke. Having friends or family present can provide emotional support when you need to take a break and cry.
Trusted friends or family can also give you perspective when you need it and be there for you when you can’t face certain tasks. It may be an easy decision to keep certain things, such as your partner’s wedding ring. But other, seemingly simple decisions — like getting rid of a toothbrush, razor, shampoo or medication — may actually be very difficult as they are reminders that your loved one is no longer part of your daily routine. A friend can help you face the hard task of letting go of items that you know must go but are emotionally difficult to relinquish.
3. Set the Tone Before You Start
If other people will be decluttering with you — perhaps your grown children — consider meeting beforehand to set the tone and discuss expectations so you can minimize hard feelings and tensions that may arise from different working styles. While it can be helpful to have people keeping you focused and on track, someone rushing you to make a decision or causing you to second-guess your decisions is hardly helpful.
So don’t be afraid to voice what works for you ahead of time. Expect tolerances to be low as everyone deals with their grief. One person may feel that the path to overcoming grief is to dispose of most physical memories. Another person may hesitate to let go of items because they feel more connected to the loved one when surrounded by their belongings. Both approaches are valid, which is why talking about it beforehand can help you not project your ideals onto someone else — or have them project theirs onto you.
If no one has offered to help you and you feel certain people should have a stake in the process, it’s wise to ask them directly to participate. Being upfront about your needs now can prevent potential resentment later on, which may arise if you keep silent and shoulder the entire workload alone.
If other people will be decluttering with you — perhaps your grown children — consider meeting beforehand to set the tone and discuss expectations so you can minimize hard feelings and tensions that may arise from different working styles. While it can be helpful to have people keeping you focused and on track, someone rushing you to make a decision or causing you to second-guess your decisions is hardly helpful.
So don’t be afraid to voice what works for you ahead of time. Expect tolerances to be low as everyone deals with their grief. One person may feel that the path to overcoming grief is to dispose of most physical memories. Another person may hesitate to let go of items because they feel more connected to the loved one when surrounded by their belongings. Both approaches are valid, which is why talking about it beforehand can help you not project your ideals onto someone else — or have them project theirs onto you.
If no one has offered to help you and you feel certain people should have a stake in the process, it’s wise to ask them directly to participate. Being upfront about your needs now can prevent potential resentment later on, which may arise if you keep silent and shoulder the entire workload alone.
4. Work in Short Sessions
Decluttering is tiring and emotional in regular circumstances, let alone when you’re grieving. If possible, space out your sessions so you can preserve your energy. Find a schedule that allows for a balance between making efficient use of your time and not exhausting yourself.
Be sure to consider both your physical and emotional endurance. If you still have physical energy but find yourself feeling emotionally heavy, take a break until you’re ready to continue. Or work on a category that isn’t sentimental to you, such as your loved one’s office supplies.
Decluttering is tiring and emotional in regular circumstances, let alone when you’re grieving. If possible, space out your sessions so you can preserve your energy. Find a schedule that allows for a balance between making efficient use of your time and not exhausting yourself.
Be sure to consider both your physical and emotional endurance. If you still have physical energy but find yourself feeling emotionally heavy, take a break until you’re ready to continue. Or work on a category that isn’t sentimental to you, such as your loved one’s office supplies.
5. Schedule Donation and Trash Pickups
If you feel ready to go through your loved one’s belongings but are having a hard time getting started, consider scheduling a date for a donation pickup. After all, you haven’t truly decluttered until the items are out of your home. Scheduling a pickup can give you a goal date to work toward. It also saves you the time and energy of loading your car and driving to a donation center.
In fact, you may want to consider scheduling a donation pickup regularly, perhaps every two weeks, until you finish decluttering. It will be less overwhelming to chip away at the task steadily and to have unwanted items removed regularly so the piles don’t build up. Each time your donations and trash are removed from your home is a victory, and a step closer to creating a peaceful environment that includes carefully selected and cherished mementos of your loved one.
If you feel ready to go through your loved one’s belongings but are having a hard time getting started, consider scheduling a date for a donation pickup. After all, you haven’t truly decluttered until the items are out of your home. Scheduling a pickup can give you a goal date to work toward. It also saves you the time and energy of loading your car and driving to a donation center.
In fact, you may want to consider scheduling a donation pickup regularly, perhaps every two weeks, until you finish decluttering. It will be less overwhelming to chip away at the task steadily and to have unwanted items removed regularly so the piles don’t build up. Each time your donations and trash are removed from your home is a victory, and a step closer to creating a peaceful environment that includes carefully selected and cherished mementos of your loved one.
6. Review Items by Category
Separating your loved one’s belongings into categories can help keep you motivated and focused. It’s easier to make decisions when items are grouped and you can see how many belongings you’re dealing with and how many duplicates you have.
For instance, some of my widowed clients have a hard time letting go of their spouse’s clothing. But when everything is laid out on a bed and they can see the quantity and type, they end up marking many pieces for donation — especially when they consider how others can benefit from the items. At the same time, they’re able to keep enough for their sentimental comfort level.
Separating your loved one’s belongings into categories can help keep you motivated and focused. It’s easier to make decisions when items are grouped and you can see how many belongings you’re dealing with and how many duplicates you have.
For instance, some of my widowed clients have a hard time letting go of their spouse’s clothing. But when everything is laid out on a bed and they can see the quantity and type, they end up marking many pieces for donation — especially when they consider how others can benefit from the items. At the same time, they’re able to keep enough for their sentimental comfort level.
7. Let Go of Guilt
Making decisions about someone else’s items can be hard because we don’t always know how valuable those things were to our loved one. Because we want to respect the person, we end up assigning importance to everything and not knowing what is OK to let go.
Can I give you some advice I’ve learned through my own experience, as well as working with clients? It’s OK to let go of guilt about not wanting to keep a certain item. Even if that item was important to your loved one, letting go of it is not a sign of disrespect or throwing away your loved one’s life. Nor does it mean that you’re letting those memories slip away. Your happy memories will remain even if you don’t have a physical object to show for them.
My dad passed away nine years ago. I kept some of his cherished items, such as his vintage camera — which doesn’t even hold any memories for me as I never saw him use it — as well as a few blueprints (he was an architect) and some University of Michigan memorabilia, since I’m also an alum. Most of the items I chose to keep aren’t attached to any specific memories, but to me these items represent who he was.
But even with these physical reminders of my dad’s life in view, my warmest memories are of him telling jokes, drawing, cooking family dinners and playing with his grandchildren. My memories of my dad aren’t tied to any physical belongings. It’s freeing to know that it was totally fine to keep only the belongings that I liked, and that this approach didn’t sacrifice any of my memories.
Making decisions about someone else’s items can be hard because we don’t always know how valuable those things were to our loved one. Because we want to respect the person, we end up assigning importance to everything and not knowing what is OK to let go.
Can I give you some advice I’ve learned through my own experience, as well as working with clients? It’s OK to let go of guilt about not wanting to keep a certain item. Even if that item was important to your loved one, letting go of it is not a sign of disrespect or throwing away your loved one’s life. Nor does it mean that you’re letting those memories slip away. Your happy memories will remain even if you don’t have a physical object to show for them.
My dad passed away nine years ago. I kept some of his cherished items, such as his vintage camera — which doesn’t even hold any memories for me as I never saw him use it — as well as a few blueprints (he was an architect) and some University of Michigan memorabilia, since I’m also an alum. Most of the items I chose to keep aren’t attached to any specific memories, but to me these items represent who he was.
But even with these physical reminders of my dad’s life in view, my warmest memories are of him telling jokes, drawing, cooking family dinners and playing with his grandchildren. My memories of my dad aren’t tied to any physical belongings. It’s freeing to know that it was totally fine to keep only the belongings that I liked, and that this approach didn’t sacrifice any of my memories.
8. Consider Hiring an Organizer
If the task of going through and getting rid of some of your loved one’s belongings feels like too much for you, and you don’t want to ask family or friends to help, hiring a professional organizer could be a good option. A professional organizer can help you sort belongings, talk you through the decision-making process, organize the items you’ve decided to keep and arrange for the removal of unwanted items. Hiring a professional organizer to work with you can also help keep you focused on the task at hand.
An alternative approach to going through everything is selecting and setting aside just the items you want to keep. An organizer can then remove the unwanted items from your home. The pro can reorganize the remainder of your loved one’s items and restyle and repurpose any rooms as needed.
Remember above all to take good care of yourself during this difficult time. Sorting through a loved one’s things is a very big job. Be kind to yourself as you go through it.
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If the task of going through and getting rid of some of your loved one’s belongings feels like too much for you, and you don’t want to ask family or friends to help, hiring a professional organizer could be a good option. A professional organizer can help you sort belongings, talk you through the decision-making process, organize the items you’ve decided to keep and arrange for the removal of unwanted items. Hiring a professional organizer to work with you can also help keep you focused on the task at hand.
An alternative approach to going through everything is selecting and setting aside just the items you want to keep. An organizer can then remove the unwanted items from your home. The pro can reorganize the remainder of your loved one’s items and restyle and repurpose any rooms as needed.
Remember above all to take good care of yourself during this difficult time. Sorting through a loved one’s things is a very big job. Be kind to yourself as you go through it.
More on Houzz
Read more stories on organizing
Find a professional organizer near you
Shop for organizing and storage products
If you have no looming deadline to vacate your home, I recommend taking some time to settle before starting the decluttering process. In the days immediately following the death, you’ll be just beginning to learn what life looks like without your spouse or other loved one. There are so many things to take care of, such as finances, insurance and estate matters; your dependents; and, most important, yourself. With all the uncertainty, you may want to wait a bit on decluttering, to prevent making impulsive decisions.
When my father passed away, my mom’s immediate plan was to move to a retirement home. I suspect this arose from the anticipation of the loneliness and seeming impracticality of living solo in a large house. As she found her new footing over a couple of months, she decided instead to stay at home, which felt comfortable and familiar and where she would be close to her friends. My mom would have handled my dad’s belongings very differently if she had acted on her initial impulse to move. As her daughter, I’m glad she waited to address his things until she was more settled.