I'd give him a live rose bush named after his wife. A memorial he can plant.

Yes a plant in her memory or a tree would be a nice gift...

When my husband passed away, my neighbor gave me a maple tree. This was my favorite remembrance.

If you give him the gift of a plant, please also offer to plant it for him, if he wishes.

So lovely of you to think of him during this time. You are also grieving the loss of your friend. My thoughts are with you, as well.

Would you consider having him over for dinner? How about a donation to her favorite charity or cause, in her name?

I would invite him over for dinner or give him a gift card, maybe from a gas station. But not on the anniversary of his wife's death. Maybe I'm weird, but I dislike memorial gifts. I received a plant when my mother passed away. All it did was remind me of when she died, reminded me of the loss and pain. It was a difficult plant that didn't take well to being indoors over a WI winter so I was almost relieved to be able to dispose of it.

Instead, I would do something to thank him for being my friend, for the things that he has done over the years. Often the greatest gift you can give anyone is your time. If not dinner, then have him over for breakfast or morning coffee and to just chat.

Personally, I wouldn't give him a monetary gift on the anniversary of the passing of his spouse. If you want to thank him for the help he gives you, a gift card on another date IMHO would be better.

As ci_lantro said, the gift of time would be best. Indeed it is very kind and thoughtful of you! Good neighbors are wonderful, you have one AND you ARE one.

I am not considering a dinner invite at this time. He hasn't been very good about social distancing and mask wearing. I think he's fine with fate. I am not.

I will offer to plant--that was a good idea!

Are you sure "he's in a lot of pain"? It's been a year already. If he hasn't dealt well with what should be a grieving and healing process, I'm not sure any gift or act on the anniversary of the death, no matter how well intentioned, will help him.

I think you help him by being a good neighbor when you can and help him learn to adjust to his new life and move on.

Elmer beat me to it, and said it better than I could. Just continue to be a good neighbor and friend.

Elmer I hope I misread your post. Certainly you aren't saying that after a year this man's grieving should be over and he should be moving on. Please tell me I am wrong.

You are in a position to know if he'd welcome a plant or not. To keep it simple and non-extravagant, a "thinking of you" card -- sentiment along the lines of "We will always remember Mrs Neighbor with fondness. Sincerely, ___".

If someone gave my husband a plant, tree or bush after I’m gone it would not thrive. It would become a burden. Not knowing his age, but if he’s lived there for over 20 years, his landscaping is probably already to his liking. Does he want something else to take care of?

If you want to thank him for his help, thank him on a different day. On the anniversary of her death, if you see him, let him know that you thought of him and his wife that day.

I don’t “celebrate” death anniversaries and know a lot of people who feel the same way. It’s not that I don’t think about it, but I chose not to linger on death, only on the life I miss. I would not appreciate a gift from someone else at this private moment.

It’s hard to explain in writing, but I hope this makes sense.

Several months after a former sister-in-law's mother died, I quite accidentally found an orchid (which the SIL grows) with the same name as her mother. I bought and sent to her, and she was quite thrilled.

I think your heart is in the right place, but I would wait a little time, perhaps a week after the anniversary date, and then ask him about a planting since that has been suggested and you appear to like the idea.

In grief counseling, people often say that all the "first" anniversaries were so very hard on them. Personally, I found the "second" anniversaries to be worse. Missing the second birthday, or wedding anniversary, or Christmas, etc., was devastating to me. Confirmation that he wasn't coming back.

I think the best thing you can do for him is just let him know you remember it is the anniversary of her passing, and give him a chance to talk about her. Those of us left behind often feel that people expect us to "get over it" as alluded to above, so we don't talk about how much we miss them, etc. Maybe a chat with a glass of something cold outside in the shade would provide enough social distancing to be safe?

"Certainly you aren't saying that after a year this man's grieving should be over and he should be moving on"

Not exactly. Grieving seems to be an individual experience, everyone is different. The pain should diminish with time and learning how to deal with it should increase. The realization that he needs to move on with his life and his efforts to do so should have begun to at least some extent after one year.

The OP said that he's still in a lot of pain. If that's true and not her supposition, he's not doing well (with coping) and may need professional help. Not from neighbors.

"I don’t “celebrate” death anniversaries and know a lot of people who feel the same way."

I couldn't possibly agree more. My wife and I laugh sometimes when talking about times past when we can't remember in what years each of our parents died, much less the dates. I've had siblings die too, same story. Not my spouse but I don't think it will be much different for either of us when that time comes.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had an aunt who was thrown into a mental health stupor when her husband died and the remaining 10 years of her life were spent as an unhappy, grieving hermit. She was unwilling to get counselling or resume anything resembling what had been her normal activities and life. It was sad.

Everyone is different but problem situations needing help are easy enough to spot.

It is quite obvious that “a certain someone” has never lost a beloved spouse! Although time does heal, those “anniversary dates...death, anniversary, birthday etc “ will never be forgotten!...believe me, I know very well. I would suggest a plate of homemade cookies or coffee cake etc....with a simple note of remembrance to let him know that you care.

Is it "obvious"? I said so, nothing's more obvious than that.

I've seen enough of the spectrum of responses to understand that reactions vary, and I said that too. Someone who's still stupefied after a year isn't coping well and needs help. Or maybe OP's perceptions are off the mark. Either or both are possible.

You've heard several good ideas, from various viewpoints, Anne, including whether to act on the anniversary date, or to give heartfelt expression but on a different date, to not emphasize the date. Perhaps especially since he still seems to be in deep grief.

I did not get the feeling from Elmer's message that he should be over it by now, but that it does not appear that he has progressed very far along the journey through deep grief toward acceptance of the new personal emotional reality.

It is somewhat unfortunate that his view of dealing with covid and yours are so divergent, for your greatest gift to him at this time could be your personal friendly connection and appreciation expressed for all of the memorable experiences that your families have shared along with the many occasions when he has generously helped you.

What a wonderful relationship your families have shared.

Would that many more of us could have such a beautiful story to tell - and build such fruitful relationships.

Maybe a good project for many of us to work at, a positive result from our recent and ongoing isolation experience, folks.

ole joyful

Actually, the OP said he's doing okay, but still in pain. Nothing was said about being stupefied or not coping well. You are imposing your own perceptions on the original post. Pain is natural; it can last for years. Those in pain simply learn how to deal with it privately so as to not draw careless remarks from others about getting help to get over it.

Phoggie - I think what we’re saying is that everyone grieves differently and as hard as it is, it should begin to become a new normal at some point in the process. Not Happier, just normal.

But the question really is about how does an “outsider” - meaning not the spouse or their close confidants - recognize the day.

For many people such as myself, that act of kindness is an intrusion on my private process.

Remember this question is supercharged on both ends. It is both highly emotional and extremely difficult to discuss in writing. For that reason, I think everyone needs a break on this string.

I think a virtual hug is maybe all he needs. When you see him, you can mention that you are thinking of Mrs.

I love what you did. I always try to remember the anniversary of my friends' deaths to their loved ones, at least for a while/few years. It really does mean a lot to know they are not forgotten. My husband died 25 years ago this year and our closest friends always call and say how they are thinking of both of us on that day.

I think you did well.

Lovely, Anne! And perfect!

Beautiful!

A good choice, that fit with your tradition, Anne.

I like the idea of a plate of cookies to share.

You lost your mother at that time, so there is that similar experience, if you both would feel comfortable in referring to it.

Do you think that he would appreciate it if you referred to having shared your appreciation for your long happy relationship with them on an internet community of friends and they sent their good wishes to him?

Having dealt with people coming to terms with their grief, I certainly send mine to this your valued friend to whom you have introduced us.

ole joyful

Personally, I would not be thrilled with a gift of any kind to 'mark the date of death' -- certainly NOT a happy occasion. I'd just appreciate the ongoing friendship with someone who continues to share memories of the deceased, *talks* to me about her, and lets me talk about her. Sometimes people act as though the person never lived or skirt the loss entirely. Such 'erasure' is painful.

I think you handled that well. And you know your neighbor - we do not. I found it a learning experience to see some of the different responses.

We have a life long friend who lost her son. Every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, I send a 'valued friend' or 'thinking of you today' card, or call and see if they are free for dinner - but something. She is so appreciative to know he's being thought of by someone outside the family and welcomes the opportunity to talk about him. I don't think that will change, it was 10 years this year. I do admit its the only active reminder of a date of death I have in my calendar, but I know her well enough to anticipate her need.

I found all the responses very interesting and appreciated them all. In my family, we are always very cognizant of death anniversaries and birthdays of those who have gone. . Not necessarily in a sad way but in a warm way. My grandpa has been gone 30 years but I still think of him on his birthday. We tend to be a very, very sentimental bunch!