Do the gift card, inside a lovely sympathy card.

I would send a gift card along with a nice floral arrangement.

A friend of mine sent me a HUGS blanket, just as a friendship gift and I love it. She got it on Amazon. It is fleece, and so soft and warm. That might be a nice gift you could give.

Here is the link to the one my friend gave to me:

https://www.amazon.com/Hugs-Blankie-Perfect-Caring-Gift/dp/B019BYZCV2/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1510674210&sr=8-3&keywords=hugs+blanket&dpID=41TFzSjgK6L&preST=SX300_QL70&dpSrc=srch

Aw that blanket is awesome!

I love gift baskets. You could put together a comfort basket that contains an assortment of teas, a pretty mug, cookies or other snacks, bath salts, hand lotion, tissues, a warm pair of socks, an invitation for dinner out with you after things settle down and a beautiful card. You know her best, so you'd know best what to put in the basket.

I'm sorry to hear about this death. I'm curious to learn about the practice of giving a gift on such an occasion, especially a gift of food. It's something that doesn't seem to be done in my area.

People in your "area" don't send flowers to a funeral home, elmer? I find that truly hard to believe.

Flowers are one acceptable thing, taking food to the family is another. A sympathy card, yes. But a gift card?

Elmer, I think people send food with the thinking that the bereaved may have many people dropping over to extend condolences and little interest in cooking. Also, people who are grieving often lose their appetites, so having prepared dishes on hand may help entice them to have just a little to eat at a time when they would rather not- but obviously need nourishment at such a difficult time.

With so many prepared foods at the grocery store today, the gift card could replace the casserole of yore.

My extrapolations here.

What sushipup said. Sorry if my words were too quick and unclear. I don't consider sending flowers to be a "gift", it's sending flowers.

If there's a reception after a funeral, the family usually provides the food (how could one not do that if expecting guests?).

If the ceremony is going to be "a private family graveside service", it would seem awkward to send food to an affair one isn't invited to attend unless they plan a reception for a broader group afterward. That also seems awkward. If the family prefers to exclude non-relatives, that's their choice and I'd (personally) send a card and let it go.

When my husband passed away people brought food to my house. I didn't feel like cooking, had out of town children staying with me and local children spending a lot of time at my house. The food was welcome and appreciated. Yes there was a dinner after the funeral, but that is only 1 meal

Elmer, if the family provides the food, I am assuming that means it is catered? Seems an easy enough concept especially if it's part of the funeral package. Odd, but easy and im guessing, pricey.

In my neck of the woods, friends and neighbors drop by with condolences and a ready made meal or dish.

I'm not sure the food is necessarily intended for any gathering immediately after the funeral. I have never been to such a gathering that was pot luck.

If by catered you mean purchased and arranged for in advance by the decedent's family member/whoever is hosting the gathering, then yes. What I've seen most often is a casual buffet style spread, more than only appetizers and less than a full meal, with beverages - beer, wine, waters, coffee, maybe some soda. In the context of the cost of a funeral, it's not that much and (in the case of deaths in my family) usually paid from the decedent's funds.

It has always been my impression that food given to the family after a death was so that the family wouldn't have to worry about cooking while they are dealing with their grief, out of town guests/family, paperwork, funeral arrangements, and everything else that has to be done after someone dies.

It's also a way to let the family know that people are thinking of them and that they want to help in some way that is more practical than sending a card or flowers. So often, people don't know what to do in these type of situations; offering food is something that pretty much anyone can do.

When my brother died, we provided food and drink at the reception, but we also appreciated people who brought food over when we were in the midst of cleaning out his apartment, sorting through his things, making trips to Goodwill and the dump, etc.

I didn't mean to imply my friend wouldn't be included in the funeral service, just that there would be no calling hours for us to attend and possibly send flowers to.

So then I thought of sending flowers to her house but the practical side of me thought maybe a grocery gift card would be useful and appreciated.

Here often if a church is involved, people of the church will provide food for a meal after the funeral service.

Thank you all for the input. The more I've thought about it, I think I will send her the hugs blanket Linda linked to above. But now I have some great ideas for the next time there's an actual funeral I attend.

I do think that the blanket is a nice gift to a friend. It's in the larger context of being a friend, rather than something bought concerning the family and the funeral.

Someone said that the gift card is good because of the array of prepared foods available. However, as noted, the custom of bringing food to the home is to help the family avoid the chore of shopping and cooking, and I think that the gift card sorta takes the soul out of the gesture..

I agree with a gift basket of food that can be served to guests. Some folks did that for me when my husband died and it was so wonderful. When people stopped by, to have something on hand that I didn't have to prepare or shop for, was just the best. I can't remember specifics, but things like smoked salmon, cheese and crackers, pickled asparagus, little baby corn ears in can, olives, cookies, canned dolmas (rice stuffed grape leaves), maybe some nice soup, dried pasta and jarred spaghetti sauce, - things like that. If you know it can get to the refrigerator quickly, then biscuits or rolls in a can to bake at home, or a quickbread mix (or the quickbread already made). Some grapes and apples.

If you have a Trader Joes, they have wonderful shelf stable prepared things. People like their canned smoked trout, I've heard.

eta: sorry I missed that you'd made your decision.

share, I was just going to post about that blanket. As a good friend, it would be a perfectly appropriate and very loving expression of comfort. Very nice choice. I'm sure that she will love it.

While I generally like the idea of food when appropriate for a family, I think the blanket for your friend is an excellent idea. More importantly would be an invitation to dinner out with you and your DH when she feels up to it. So maybe make the invitation known when you write something in the card, and you can follow up later since she is a co-worker.

I clicked on the "hugs" blanket link. What a kind gesture for anyone needs a bit of comfort.

When a parent of my brothers-in-law and sister-in-law died, the rest of us sibling went together and send a beautiful planter to their home. Both my sisters and one of my brothers said they still have the planters. They are big and beautiful.

For this situation, I really like the idea of the hugs blanket and/or the basket of personal items suggested by Dawn. Really nice ideas.

I'm sorry for your friends loss. God bless his soul.

I've been getting friends a decorative stepping stone. A fishing one for the widow of an avid fisherman. A cat one for the kitty lover widow. Relatives get a concrete bench, but not one with a sad verse.... only happy reminders of the loved one. When one sister in law lost her father, I got her a bench with a tree branch with two cardinals sitting on it. Her dad was a cardinals baseball fan. We all live in places with yards so that may not be appropriate for your friend if she's in an apartment.

Elmer, you're not southern, nor do you live in the south! The minute anyone hears about a death, they either start cooking or head to the store for a Honeybaked ham or something. One is inundated with food when there is a death in the family, and it actually is quite nice. I don't think I shopped for 2-3 weeks after my husband died. Much can be frozen and brought out later.

For a funny monologue about this, watch:

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs>;

She's hysterical.

Note that the thread was started by someone apparently from Ohio, or maybe that's not the case?

As I said, I haven't seen or experienced gifts of food being made to a family having suffered a death. Especially in cases where oldsters may have lived alone because they were widows or widowers, or with family members often living in other areas. I'm not sure who the food would go to and for what purpose it would serve. I'm not questioning the thoughtfulness but rather just thinking it could seem awkward to bring food to an already well-supplied reception.

(Someone linked to that woman before once or twice. Let's just say anglo that you probably like her a lot more than I do but that's fine)

Anglo, That comedian was too, too funny. I just spent an hour on YouTube. What a treat!

Elmer, I am pretty sure the food is not for the reception. It is for the home, to have things on hand for visitors and not have to cook when handling all the unpleasant "housekeeping" around a death- the paperwork, cleaning out of living space and such.

It's about different habits and practices, I was trying to understand. Nothing more or less.

The food is for the family of the deceased before and after the reception, not the actual reception itself unless they've planned a potluck. It saves the family members from having to cook while they are dealing with all the things one has to deal with when someone dies like grieving, hosting relatives from out of town, paperwork, notifications, funeral arrangements, cleaning out the home of the deceased, sorting through their things, taking the things to the dump, goodwill, dividing between relatives, etc.

People are incredibly busy and overwhelmed when a loved one dies and the last thing they want to think about is cooking for themselves or others. Not having to cook because people have been kind enough to bring food over that can be eaten then or frozen and eaten later is very much appreciated by many survivors.

Share-when one of my parents passed,a good friend gave me the "circle of friends"candle as a gift......I still have it,20 odd yrs later,and always think of the (now passed) friend that gave it to me.

Anglophilia, I laugh until the tears roll every time I watch one of her videos. I just love that woman and the humor.

The best gift, imho, is to include her in get-togethers and do things with her. I see too many "suddenly singles" get forgotten because they are no longer a couple.

In my area, it is customary to make a donation to a charity or organization chosen by the family of the deceased, but as I read above, this is not wanted in this case. The 2nd most popular action is to make a cash donation to the family for them to spend however they see fit. The form of the donation may be cash or check. Often cash donations go toward funeral expenses.

When one can not attend due to distance, he/she may use a floral service to send a bouquet of flowers to the location of the funeral service.

Whatever material gift you decide on will be lovely. The nicest gift you can give her is your friendship. She will need your support and someone to talk to....not just now, but in the weeks and months to come.

Again, thank you all for your responses and suggestions. I did order the blanket last night. I think she will love it!

LOL!! Anglophilia, too funny!

My family is originally from the midwest, and taking prepared food to the family of the bereaved was (and always will be) an accepted practice. This sharing will occur for many days after the funeral, as friends and neighbors bring lasagna, ham, fresh rolls, cakes, and pies wrapped for the freezer.

It's funny, after my dear Dad died I looked at mother the day before his service and said, "Well, we better clean out the refrigerator and freezer." The statement was delivered with a huge, exhausted sigh because I knew what was coming, lol. Mom and everybody else burst into laughter so hard, our sides hurt and we had to wipe tears of laughter from our eyes.

When my neighbor across the street suddenly lost her husband, I brought my slow cooker over filled with a big roast and veggies, and plugged it in.

Gifts of food are one way that most people can offer tangible comfort. Not everyone participates, of course. It's a practice in which close friends, family, and neighbors participate, not nodding acquaintances or business colleagues.

I find communications like "the family wishes (or suggests or appreciates) contributions to the Fred Memorial Fund at his favorite charity, the Kumquat Foundation" very offensive. If that was Fred's favorite charity, now that he's dead, he has no further need for his money and he can leave it all to them. What he liked to do with his money doesn't influence where I want to make my own contributions.

Cash gifts from friends or relatives to families of the dead is another one I've not heard of.

What? Why wouldn't Fred's family want to thank the hospice foundation in a very real way (in lieu of flowers, please donate to the San Fernando Hospice Group), for instance, instead of take home some flowers that surely die? Why not have his legacy live a bit longer?

"Why wouldn't Fred's family want to thank the hospice foundation "

Then they should do that, of course.

I'm laughing my rear off. So you'd send them flowers in spite of the 'in lieu of flowers' request? Or do nothing? Not that you need to answer, it's all so absurd to me. HA!

With all due respect, Mr. Elmer, just because YOU don’t do it that way or YOU have never heard of something, doesn’t mean that it’s not the norm for the other 99% of people who don’t live where you live or were not raised the way you were raised.

You said in a post earlier that you were ‘just trying to understand.’ Are you trying? Or arguing?

But, no skin off my nose. Carry on.

I was responding to what jemdandy said, and then responding to rob's reaction to what I said.

Yes, enjoying hearing different traditions and trying to understand, and sharing my own experiences. Also no skin off my nose.

Yes rob, if my sentiment is to send flowers, and they request no flowers, then I'll abide by their wishes and leave it at that. I feel put upon when someone tells me how I should feel or what I should do with my own feelings or money.

When my son passed away, I ended up with more food than we could eat and ended up having to throw a lot out. (a lot of sandwiches???). But one thing I did find nice was the Visa card so I could buy the groceries we like, rather than the food people thought we liked. :) Flowers are nice, but they die. I had too many flowers but did like that people thought to send them. The gift card will be greatly appreciated by your friends.

when a good friend of ours mom passed i offered to set out the food for after the service...it was mostly prepared so sliced the ham they chose and tossed the salad, ect...another friend cleared and washed dishes...

I cannot imagine feeling offended about a suggestion of where to make a charitable donation after a death. I don't know if you read the obituaries, but in my city, practically all of them have a suggested place for donations.

My husband had decided that he wanted donations made to the school where he spent the last 10 years of his teaching career, teaching. So many people did this and it was a lovely way to honor my late husband. I would much prefer a suggestion than just randomly making a donation when it states that flowers should not be given. I cannot imagine not doing anything.

I assume then that you also do not like wedding registries?

I've never heard of cash being given unless it was a very, very poor family and they needed help with the burial expenses. My painter asked me to help with his niece died of a heroin overdose and her father couldn't afford to bury her.

anglo, weddings are traditional gift-giving occasions and registries - especially the web-accessible ones - are easy and useful. For other traditional gift-giving occasions, I always inquire what the recipient would like, either of a spouse or of the recipient directly. If there's no specific answer, I give a gift card (like for a clothing store they say they like) or cash.

In my experience deaths and funerals aren't traditional gift-giving occasions so maybe that explains my point of view on this?

Flowers express sympathy and a wish for better days. Imagine you have a friend in the hospital and before visiting, you call them. Your friend says "Please don't bring me flowers, instead, please send $100 to the college I went to". How does that strike you? If your impression of that is similar to what mine would be, maybe that would help you understand my reaction to that sentiment in a death announcement.

My daughter's sister in law's husband passed away after a long fight with cancer. I sent a donation to the American Cancer Society. It seemed like an appropriate thing to do.

When my husband died, his former university department set up a fund in his name, which I mentioned in the obit "in lieu of flowers" to fund student trips to Europe, which he had often hosted and advocated. I thought it was a good idea.