A note is always appreciated. And bear in mind after a few weeks people tend to fall back into their routines, so your neighbor may be up for some added support then. I would also make an appearance at the visitation. Just a kind word and you can leave.

I agree with Rita, both for the note and the visit. Your appearance at the visitation might not be remembered, but the note can be looked at over and over.

I would say note/card and visitation if you are able. A walk across the street with some food would be appropriate too, and sometimes especially so if this was unexpected as you described. She may be too numb to think of eating, but if its there and in front of her may very well take a serving of something. Of course I don't know her, but I'm going to guess that a gesture of personal kindness will be more important than an arrangement of flowers.

Oh gosh, how sad. Even though you don't know them well, I'm sure it was traumatic for you as well. I don't really know the proper etiquette but I agree with asking neighbors, especially if it's a small town.

Yes to all these suggestions. Your kindness and thoughtfulness will always be remembered.

Maybe take over the yard work for a while? What a sad day for you and her.

I never go to the visitation of someone I hardly know. It's hard enough with those you DO know.

I like the idea of a card. You never know the impact it can make. Someone once sent me a card that really touched my heart. I still remember exactly what she wrote and think of it often.

Please, please introduce yourself to the widow at the appropriate time, and leave a card with a note in it with your first names and phone number. Remind her that she is welcome to call you if she needs anything.

That might bring her some comfort after all the visitors are gone.

I would send a card, making sure to explain who you are if you think she might not know, offer whatever help she may need since you are so close. "Please call me (Cindy) or my husband (Mac) at 555-555-5555 if we can assist you at all." Then, sometime in the next month or two, invite her over for a meal. Newly single people can get lonely at meal time and/or tired of cooking for one.

I would say in the card that you didn't know her husband well, but always enjoyed your neighborly chats with him. Sorry.....etc.

Food, offer to stay at the house while they are at the service. Definitely at least introduce yourself to the widow and try and help her with things through the next few months. Invite her to your house for dinner later.

I kind of think that this is an inappropriate time to introduce yourself or go to the visitation.

A note (please mail it) on a card seems right. And I would go over and rake up some leaves (but I would just do it and not say anything...and stay in the front yard...probably the last thing she wants is to face people)

I think she'll come over when she's ready.

Inappropriate for a near neighbor to pay respects at calling hours? I'd say that it's a perfect time.

Yes, rhizo. The op asked for opinions and I gave mine just as you already gave yours.

I am very sorry ldstarr...

I agree with pennydesign. You have no relationship with the decedent's wife, do you even know enough to be able to address an envelope?

Express your sympathy with a mailed card and don't give a second thought to thinking that there's anything more expected from a stranger. Doing anything more might even be received as being odd and maybe even unwelcome. Or, wrongly I know, could even be seen as something you're doing for yourself to deal with personal guilt for having done nothing sooner. You had a chance to go to their house and introduce yourselves, or invite them over, or whatever and didn't. Wait a few weeks and then go around your neighborhood and introduce yourself to those you haven't yet met so that another awkward situation might be avoided.

The OP knew the deceased enough to say hello and exchange pleasantries when he was outside. I don't think it's ever wrong to be polite or neighborly. Kindness comes in many forms. Sometimes a chance to meet the neighbors doesn't present itself unless you ring the doorbell. This is as good of a time as any.

I would bring over a plate of homemade cookies or a basket of muffins and offer my condolences in person. I would not attend the visitation for a stranger.

I would not attend anything, but if you really want to extend a kindness, make a dish that can be served after the service, hand deliver it and offer your condolences in person. When our neighbor’s husband passed suddenly, after the dust fell, we slowly started talking when we saw each other outside and I just offered a kind ear while she went through the grieving process.

ETA: When I say a dish, I mean a desert of some kind, a vegi platter or something easy that will blend in with anything else that is being served.

I would put on decent clothes, attend calling hours, introduce myself much as you said above (we're across the street, exchanged pleasantries with your husband, were so saddened to learn of his passing). Don't linger -- 'in and out' is fine for casual acquaintances like you were.

After, you may have a better idea of what additional sympathy or support you can show your neighbor. Be open for opportunities to wave as you see her, or take a plate of holiday cookies at the appropriate time. But she might have sufficient family/friends and won't need much. Time will tell.

I would not attend but would send a lovely card with a letter saying how you spoke a lot with her husband and hope to visit and meet her soon.

At a funeral nobody is going to be caught by surprise by people showing up. Can't say the same for appearing at her door unannounced. Of course, mailings can also be opened and read at the convenience of the recipient. But that depends on knowing them well enough to be able to address the envelope and make suitable comments.

Embothrium, I don’t recall anyone saying they’d show up unannounced. ????

I imagine this is a moot point by now but a few thoughts:

Etiquette seems to be very regionally personalized so what's "appropriate" in one area may well be offensive in others.

I really think this obsolete mandate of bringing food to everyone's house where there's been a death really needs to be contained. Today, many people seem to have allergies and sensitivities and the need for it is just plain gone. A FAR better option IMO is to invite them to a dinner and find out what they would like to eat or invite them out to dinner and they can choose. You can get to know them better that way too.

Cards are OK. Attending the visitation is nice. A lot of people seem to want people around and some take comfort in knowing their departed knew more people and had an impact on others than they know.

To me, people go overboard with flowers. They're flooded with them at the time and they're tossed. I've always found that there's plenty of flowers at a funeral without me adding more and my addition seldom adds anything to the event. Often people send them to the house after and then there's the issue of how many do they want.

I wouldn't make donations on a minor acquaintance. Seems strange to me.

It's a personal time. Make yourself available if they want you but also people need time alone while grieving. Offering help with yardwork, shoveling, etc., is often a very under-rated gift. And of course keeping an eye on the place during the funeral and such. Crooks still read obits.

I live in North Central Texas. Here, I don't think it would matter what kind of acknowledgement or gesture you make, as long as you did make an acknowledgement or a gesture.

Haha, Sylvia, you're another victim of a wayward spellchecker. No worries, your message is clear.

There are some regulars in this forum who I wish would either pay closer attention to their words and sentences or use a spell and grammar checker.

Well, it turned out that the family chose to have a private memorial with no calling hours. Since the obituary named 2 organizations with which he was heavily involved, we made a contribution to one in his memory. I also gave his widow a nice sympathy card.

Thanks all for your thoughts and opinions.

Idstarr, thanks for reporting back.

That actually sounds perfect Idstarr.

I have been through this twice. In a small town and most probably knew him, there will be so much food that I doubt there is much needed. I read and re-read my cards and notes. Most people have memorials in lieu of flowers...but many sent cash saying to use for stamps or use as I needed. I had a couple of people who sent a book of stamps in their cards...so helpful for all of those thank you notes. Since you are new to town, this probably won't be something you want to do, but one lady returned dishes that food was brought in...huge help.

She will be in shock for about 6 weeks, then the aloneness will settle in and at that time, your presence and helpfulness will certainly be appreciated more than now.

Oops..I did not read your reply....very appropriate....but please keep in touch with her...she will need you later.