My suggestion--go with what your husband thinks. You are married to him and not BM. It is your DH's children and BM's children, but they share custody. They are equal parents. There is dad's house and there is mom's house. Believe me, BM would have no problem, more than likely, with her children calling her new man "dad." Happens quite a bit. Although what also happens quite a bit is that when these same children want to call dad's wife "mom," WWIII breaks out.

But, you should not be put in the middle, and should not be worried so much about what BM thinks and does. That is your husband's job. He is her ex- and he is the one who had children with her and they together chose to divorce. (I'm assuming you were not involved in that at all.) You don't want a 3-way marriage. I know some people think that SM is supposed to be all accommodating, all the time, while the bios get to party and do whatever (an exaggeration, but any SP will know what I mean), but why is SM always the one stepping aside, stepping back, trying to weigh everything in her mind and driving herself nuts trying to not offend anyone, sucking it up and taking it, and so on--for a divorce that she had no part in.

Remember who you are married to and it is only one person. You and your DH work out your rules for your household, and your DH takes the lead with BM and his children.

Judging by the age you first met these kiddos and how long you've been with hubs I'd say these kids are old enough to know what they're calling you and why. That's an honor to be called mom by a step when no one even suggested it....obviously these kids see you as...well..as...MOM. I would accept this most wonderful and loving gift and be proud of yourself for being a great mom to these kids which you obviously are or they wouldn't have bestowed upon you one of the greatest titles a child can give another adult...willingly and without being told to do so. I would never suggest they not call you mom..how hurtful it would be to these tender hearts to tell them they can't call you by the most honored title.

As for Biomom.....I understand she may pose a problem but it's HER problem..don't let it become yours or the kids. Stay strong if she tries to cause issues. ..don't let her drag you into any back and forth arguing or making you feel you need to justify why the kids are calling you mom...use your words carefully to BM...stay as respectful as you can...kids see and hear everything and you want these kids to look back one day and not ever say you helped cause problems...

Remember it's always in the best interest in the children..always. Not yours, not Dads, not Biomoms...the kids. How can taking such a loving gift....MOM... and telling them to call you something else be in the kids best interest....it wouldn't be...it would be a hurt they won't soon forget.

Best interests of the children are not served by having their mother enraged at their father's wife.

I disagree with this “best interest of the children” that all, including SPs, are supposedly supposed to focus on. For one thing, as pointed out, what is in the best interest of the children can vary, and particularly in divorce situations, too many believe or assume that what is in the best interest of the children equates to whatever BM wants, no matter how flawed BM may be.

Let’s back up even further—one could also make the argument that a divorce is never in the best interest of the children. All things considered; what child truly wants divorced parents? So, I think it is best for everyone to drop the thought that for step-parents foremost in their minds should be, “what is in the best interest of someone else’s children.” . . . As if it is somehow evil for SM to have any thoughts, needs or desires outside of or even remotely contrary to those of children.

Actually, the thinking nowadays is that often divorce _is_ in the best interest of the children, since being raised in a tense environment by parents setting the example of arguing or worse is worse than being in a divorced family.

Certainly I was thrilled when my parents divorced and alcoholic Dad was no longer in the picture.

I agree that if the children are going to be constantly hauled over the coals by BM for calling SM “Mom” then it’s in their better interests to avoid it. No loving SM would want their stepkids to suffer for a name. Why not have a “just for the kids” nickname?

Rather than saying, "No loving SM would want their stepkids to suffer for a name," couldn't you just as easily say, "No loving mom would want their own children to suffer for a name [calling SM 'mom' in this case]"?

This is the problem above I was referring to when I said, "I know some people think that SM is supposed to be all accommodating, all the time, . . . but why is SM always the one stepping aside, stepping back, trying to weigh everything in her mind and driving herself nuts trying to not offend anyone, sucking it up and taking it, and so on--for a divorce that she had no part in."

Why is it completely okay, if not even expected, for BM to lose it over her children calling SM "mom"? And, if this does occur, why is it up to SM to remedy it by insisting the kids not call her mom (a title they chose for her) vs. it being up to BM to suck it up and take it, for once?

Why does BM get a pass, get to do whatever, while SM is supposed to jump to and remedy any family post-divorce mud-slinging that comes her way? And, SM is expected to do it usually by kowtowing to whatever suits the bio in question. No questions asked. What is right or wrong or whom should really be held accountable isn't supposed to matter. SM is supposed to just take one (yet again).

I find in the year 2019, SMs are still expected to be the perpetual Biblical second wife, last in line, an indentured servant of sorts--possibly earning the freedom to fully think for themselves once the step-kids have aged-out. Possibly not. Either way, if this is the line of thinking our society seems to have, it begs the question why would anyone even want to be a SP?

I don’t think it’s “OK” or even acceptable for BMs to be psycho and give the SM a hard time but the sad reality we all know is that some BMs (and obviously the one in this case falls into this category) are fiercely territorial about their status as “Mom” and determined to punish their ex-H any way they can.

In a perfect world SMs wouldn’t have to cave to keep the peace but unless their DH is willing to make it clear (as often as necessary) to his ex-W that she has to be calm and civil- and let’s be real about this, few are- it’s a much easier life for them if they do.