That's a really tough one... I can hear how hurt you are by her 'back-stabbing' but --

- Do you think she was insincere when she started calling you Mom? Or do you think she meant it? If she meant it -- and without strong evidence to the contrary, I would assume she did. If she meant it, then asking her not to call you Mom anymore would be a strong, painful rejection of her as a daughter. I don't think there's any way you could phrase it that would remove the 'throw away' connotation.

- Consider that every child of divorce finds herself bad-mouthing the Step Parent to the Bio Parent. That Step-Parenting 101 - basic divided loyalties. In your house, I'm loyal to you; in her house, I'd better show loyalty to her. Please, please don't take that personally. In a healthy and intact family, the kid can't gripe to Dad about Mom because Dad will take Mom's side. But in a divorce situation - it's fair game.

- Playing you against her dad? Every little kid in America tries that one. They usually stop while they're still little because their parents catch them, punish them, gang up on them -- and it stops working. In a divorce situation, that type of parental teamwork may never happen, so the strategy keeps on working. Could this be happening in your family?

I'm betting there's a way you could share your feelings with her without going quite so far. Tell her how much it meant to you when she started calling you Mom, and how much you love her and cherish having her as your daughter. Then tell her how you don't feel like she thinks of you as a "real Mom" when she does the things she does -- Have a few examples ready - keep 'em short and calm. Then give her 'permission' to call you something else if she doesn't want you to be her Mom, but I wouldn't ask her to stop.

Have you talked your husband about this? What does he think you should do about it?

Thank you for your gentle response. It does hurt me and I do recognize the loyalty to her mother. In the pain that I feel I cannot accept that she call me mom. I think it's a great idea to tell her how much it meant to me when she did start calling me mom, and then explain to her why I think it best that she stops (for now) I had thought of asking her to think of a pet name for me. It is heartbreaking to me to even go down this path, but based on what I have read on this forum, I think it is better that she and I start "from scratch". A new begining as I like to think of it. I have read many threads that end in happiness with adult stepchildren. I think the both of us got off to a quick start, wanting to please each other and needing to be important in each others' lives, and now we need to take a step back and start new. I just hope that it doesn't go arwry. I hope that she sees the good in starting over. One thing that I hold onto is that she is pursuing an interest in art and poetry. Her Mom and Dad have not encouraged her in any way in the arts. But I planted the seed 3 years ago and shared my love for both with her. Last night we spoke on the phone and she told me she had a poem and a drawing displayed at a local coffee shop and was so happy about it! She said she would send me pictures of the display. I do want a healthy relationship with her. She is a beautiful child, she just needs to understand that I am here for her, but I WON'T put up with the crap that she feels she needs to display. She can be VERY trying...and sometimes I think she would like it if I just go away, so she can have her Daddy back again, all to herself, but I'm not going away. Thank you again for responding. Sometimes I feel at my ropes end.

I have three SD's and none of them call me mom unless it is by accident. The youngest one(now 8 )used to say she wanted to call me mom but her BM said she should call me by my first name. Even though they don't call me mom I know that in the beginning I never dreamed of trying to take BM's place but without trying I know they have more respect for me because of the horrible person their BM is. I know it sounds as if I am just saying that because of bitterness but the truth is that both my husband and I pray that BM will become a better person and mom because that is what would be best for the kids. Anyway, even though I don't hold the "title" I know where I stand in their hearts. However, I also know that they will always have a certain loyalty to their BM. They are the ones that have to live with her and deal with her actions when she is displeased with them and it just makes life easier for them if they appear on her side or they just learn to not talk about anything that goes on in our home. Anyway, I have had foster children in my care that came from very abusive situations and remained loyal to their parents and cried when they couldn't see them. Kids are just loyal like that(for the most part) no matter what the situation. It is kind of the same in that when step mom comes into the picture they feel that they are not being loyal to the other parent.

How much have you discussed this with your husband and does he side with you? If you feel he doesn't, then maybe he doesn't even realize that he is taking his daughters side and making you feel ganged up on. I just had this discussion with my husband. My 8 year old SD said something jokingly but was being disrespectful and my husband started joking about it too and that fueled my SD to keep going on about it. I quietly told my husband that I was feeling a little ganged up on and said I would explain later. I told him when my SD was not present that at BM's house she listens to BM badmouthing us all the time and I am guessing she directs more of it towards me. Anyway, I told him that I have felt ganged up on in the past and have noticed a look of satisfaction in my SD's eyes almost like she enjoyed making me a little uncomfortable knowing her BM would approve. I explained that I think she feels justified in being disrespectful when her dad seems to be joining in. He doesn't do it intentionally and felt very bad when I pointed it out but point being that I saw something he didn't . When he realized what was going on he promised to make sure it didn't happen again. The same thing happened a couple days later but this time it was my BS that did it to my husband. I immediately put an end to what my son was saying (my ex is guilty of badmouthing us also) and told him to apologize. My husband told me later he could see exactly what I was saying about SD and he realized the position it put me in and how it stripped me of some respect. People only get away with what we allow.

Sorry my post is so long but I just have to wonder if your husband realizes what is really going on and how important it is for him to support you. My husband became very quick to make SD apologize to me if she was showing any kind of disrespect and I am hoping that she will learn the boundaries quickly. I just wish the ex's would quit talking so poorly of the other parent and step parent. It does so much damage and I know we can't control what they say but I can honestly say that we have NEVER said anything negative about our ex's in front of the children...it is too much to put on their shoulders. I try to live by that kids don't need to know adult things.

I am sorry that you are made to feel like you do. The middle is a hard place to be sometimes. I hope an easy solution can be found before too much damage is done. I also agree that you might want to consider not going quite that far because once you shut the door it might be hard to open it back up later on. I didn't catch how old your SD is but I know with girls there are some really trying ages (12-????) where they get mean and loud when they once were sweet and soft spoken and let's not forget manipulative.

Anyway, I hope you can piece together a solution from everybody's advice, I know I am by no means an expert and never will be but it is nice to come to a board like this and gain some insight from someone who has been there. God Bless.

So have you discussed this with DH yet.

He may think you are favoring your boys, and he has to compensate.

What do your boys call him?

Be prepared for him to disengage from your boys, and other consequences.

jenkin,

I have to say that I agree with the other posters on this issue. I think your best bet would be to focus on what the real problems are rather than asking her not to call you "mom". I understand your need for a fresh start, but I think the reaction you may get to your request may be a new battle rather than the fresh start you are seaking.

I have talked with my husband about her behavior. For awhile he took my side, but now he is once again defensive if I even ask how she is doing. (she has been telling him that I am being mean to her again, she didn't tell him the whole story) We talked the other day about disengaging and he thinks it's a great idea. My boys call him by his first name, and they have a great relationship with my husband. It has taken awhile for my youngest (he is 9 now was 4 when we got together) but my husband didn't get too close too fast. My older son (20 now) has a great relationship with him as well. I don't think my husband will disengage with them because they have such good relationships. Even my daughter (24 and not living at home) gets along great with my husband. They all truly like and respect each other. I am a bit jealous that I haven't found that same closeness and trust with my stepdaughter (she is 14 now 9 when I first met her). Thank you so much for pointing out how deep her loyalty to her mom may run. It was like a lightbulb going off in my head. I can see her mom getting upset with her if she were to say anything nice about me. It sheds new light on her behavior. I don't want to "shut the door" on my stepdaughter, or hurt her. I am so grateful for all the advise and will be looking at the situation from a "different angle". I do love her and just need to see things from her perspective I guess.

If you feel that strongly about being called "mom" by your step daughter, think long and hard about a way to do this that would NOT HURT HER, or damage your relationship with her for years to come.

I am going to ask the other posters to comment (if you insist on going forward on not being called "mom" anymore) if handling it this way would accomplish your goal, and yet not hurt this child, or your future relationship with her.

Posters...what if jenkins told her step daughter that after giving it serious thought, that she thought that the title "mom" really belonged only to the girls true "mom"? That it might be hurtful to the stepdaughters "real mom"? Perhaps she could further explain that when this girl goes on and has children of her own, she will understand how sacred the role of "mom" really is, and that the name belongs rightfully to her "mom". That as her stepmother, she too has a role in her life, but that she is not trying to take the place of this childs "mom". And perhaps you can ask her if she would be more comfortable calling you by your first name, as your children call your husband. Perhaps you can tell her that you were touched when she called you "mom", but that over time, you realize that the name "mom" really belongs to her true mother. Tell her that you love her, and that you want the best for her, and give her a warm hug and a smile, so that she comes away feeling good about this.

Other posters....what do you think? Would this be a healthy way to handle this and not cause harm to this young girl? The goal in this is to help this child develop into an emotionally healthy adult. She will be a part of your family forever, so handle this relationship with loving care, as hurt lasts a long time, and has a very long memory.

benicebekind~I think that is a wonderful idea!

Finesse!

The perfect way to explain it if your aim is truly NOT to hurt the girl.

Of course I don't want to hurt her, I love her. She has told me that her mom does not like it that she calls me mom (her mom also sent me an e-mail explaining to me that she is SDs' mom, NOT me) I feel like SD is torn between being loyal to her mom and not hurting me. Because of the loyalty to her mom (and I understand and accept that)I end up getting hurt and she ends ups feeling "bad". She doesn't need that kind of pressure, she goes through enough with the guilt trips her mom puts on her. I need to find a way to be a good role model for her and show her I love her without getting so involved. I don't think her mom is a good role model for her. SD (who is only 14) has told me about her mother discussing the importance of penis size with her (SHOCKING!)she has also told me that her mom acts inappropriate around men and just "wants to go to bed with them" Oh there's more, I just don't want to get into it. But now you can see that she needs someone to talk to. It's very difficult because I just want to tell her that her mom is a horrible person and she should not model herself after her in any way, but of course I can't say that. It would make SD feel awful. Anyway, I think I'm getting off the subject here. I take the brunt and get the disrespect because I am the stepmom. When I think of the word mom, respect, love and kindness come to mind, guilt and disrespect do not. It may sound like I'm being selfish, or making a mountain out of a molehill, but it just bothers me. Thank you all again for your advise.

Maybe a solution would be for her to call you by a pet name or something. Maybe Mimi or something?

Just a couple of thoughts -
I think its normal for all girls 13-16 to be full of contradictions and volatile in their emotions. Having step-parents may just compound all this. I know I felt that my BD was on a roller coaster of emotions during those years. Remember, despite the problems you've had with her, she still calls and shares with you her poetry and art.

She has mentioned(don't know how recently) that her mom doesn't like her calling you 'mom'. Maybe that is the opening you need to follow other suggetions here to gently, lovingly give her permission to call you some other name, if for no other reason than it will make her life easier with the BM.

In view of how the BM seems to be living her life and advising her daughter, is it possible this girl really relies on you to be "the mom". See paragraph one above - this is quite possible.

Just try to ride the roller coaster (without letting her disrespect or take advantage of you) as lovingly as you can. You may see things smooth out with time. If the BM is truly as bad as she sounds, you eventually may be the one with the most respect, tho she will always love her BM.

At 14 I was a complete and total nightmare. I was selfish and didn't think of others feelings. I didn't have step-parents, it was just who I was and the hormones racing through me! And yes, I told my mom I hated her and thought she was the meanest person in the world. So I think this is just an unfortunate stage she's going through and you need to muddle through as best you can without disengaging.

If the conversation about her mom being hurt by calling you mom was recent, then I think you can tell her it's ok to call you something else if that's easier for her. Other than that, I think it would kill your relationship with her to tell her that you don't want to her to call you mom.

I agree with jenathegreat on this issue. If you want to tell her that it's ok with you that she doesn't call you mom that shouldn't be a problem, but don't ask her not to call you mom.

I also want to point out that your beef with her is that she talks about you behind your back, but she obviously also talks to you about her mother behind her mother's back, or else she wouldn't have told you those things about her mother. Don't take all of it too personally...I think almost all teenage girls are nightmare's, but from what you say, she also has some respect and love for you as well. Hang on to that and remember it during the bad times.

Being a battered step mom myself I can understand how you feel about her actions. My step kids don't have any contact with their bio mom. But you have to wonder how she treats her own mother, is she always sweet and loving to her? I feel personally that you might want to take the high road and rise above this situation. She may just grow up to realize that you are a good mom to her. If you tell her you don't want her to call you mom anymore, it is going to hurt her, no way getting around that. The message no matter how gently put is "I don't want this relationship with you, you aren't worth the investment of my emotions" We always have to be careful when we make "today" decisions, that will affect "tomorrow's" relationships. Now, having said that I might sit down with her, and explain to her that she is hurting you by not giving you the same respect she gives her own mother, and that if you're her mom too, then couldn't she try to not go to her bio mom and betray you? I hope things work out for you. Being a step mom has its challenges

I'm not a step child or a step parent, so you don't have to listen to my opinion, but I don't believe there is anything worse you could do to hurt her. You say you don't want her calling you mom (for now) which makes it seem like you want to give and take away that title everytime you get upset with her. She's a teenager and behaving like one. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally (I know you aren't her bio) so taking away such a close title of mom just because you are upset with her right now seems a bit harsh. You will do whatever you want but I think you will cause damage that will never ever go away. I know if someone asked me not to call them mom anymore (a bio mom, a step mom, or a MIL), I would never become close with them again. That's a cut to the bone sort of wound to take, especially as a teenager.

bump...

Jenkin - I called my Step dad dad since he and my mom got together. He took the role as dad because my father walked away from my mother when he found out she was pregnant.

But anyways, I hate to say it but the way bnicebkind put it might be a great way but if my step father asked me to stop calling him dad I would be crushed. I can tell you there will be no easy way of doing this. You need to except that any way you put it or sugar coat it, she will take it personally. I just think you should hear it now, so if and when it happens you wont be completely blown away by any behavior she may display.

Just be careful, and make sure you and your DH are on the same page. When you sit down and talk to her you should really make sure that your DH is there so he can be witness to anything that can be said, and nothing can be thrown in your face at a later time. Which is again typical of a teenager in her position.

I would not tell SD to stop calling you "mom". I would have a conversation with her maybe saying how much you care about her and how much you want to be respected by her. Maybe saying when I hear word "mom" I expect you to love me and treat me with respect, but then if instead of that you treat me like a stranger I feel confused. Word "mom" has a special meaning.

But i would not ask not to call me "mom". It would hurt no matter how you put it. Teenagers often treat parents bad and with disrespect and it does not mean they don't love them. Especially being torn between BM (who obviously is not a role model) and SM. It must be hard on her as it is

On the other hand I can't even imagine my daughter calling her SM "mom". They have good relationship, I have nothing against SM and overall there is no drama. But calling her "mom"? I would probably be hurt and maybe would tell my daughter not to do that.

Bottom line is children suffer over adults actions no matter what.