Read the thread titled "backstabbing adult stepchildren" for the only way to deal with it: stop trying to please them.

Here's a liberating truth - you CAN'T MAKE THEM HAPPY!!!! So stop trying to do the impossible.

I would recommend:

1. Treat them with CIVILITY ... nothing more. If they don't treat you with the respect any human deserves from another, don't respond to them.

2. Sit down with them and tell them (do not beg, just inform them of the facts) that because your efforts to make them happy have obviously not worked, that you are going to STOP ALL EFFORTS to please them. You officially do not care any more ... to the extent that they are your fiance's children you care what happens to them, but their personal "happiness" is not your problem. If they choose to be miserable, they can be miserable, but their misery is not your problem.

3. Get a plan witgh your fiance for the acceptable behavior standards for ALL of the children, and get in writing what they are and that there will be a united front. Right now they are playing a 3-way game ... you, him, and their mom ... to get their own way.

Jujubee, first off, I am sorry that you are having such problems. Secondly, I have to ask, why are you still there? You have no obligations to this man or his children. You're not married. Your own children ARE SUFFERING because of their behavior. Make no mistake about that.

You get no respect, NOTHING from those children or your fiancee if indeed he allows his children to treat you this way, so why do you allow it to continue? Your children DO NOT deserve to be in the position to see their mother repeatedly humiliated and disrespected. I really don't care how much money or work you have put into a building. It doesn't matter. Your children deserve better. You say that your kids are #1, but the reality (I am quite sure) is that you are so frustrated and angry at your stepchildren that there is no way they can possibly get the best you have to offer.

Sorry this is so harsh, but it's time to let go. Obviously, your fiancee is NOT doing his job with his own children, so why would you want him being a parent to yours? I wouldn't. Your kids are living in a toxic environment.

jujubee...vivian is right. You need to step back from this and REALLY THINK about what you are doing. As a mother, your decisions also affect your children and their childhood...they do not get to do it over. Have your decisions been in the best interests of your beautiful children who are counting on you to make wise decisions that are in "their" best interest? You are not married yet. Are you sure that this is the life you want for you and your children? Because you are walking into this with your eyes wide open...and if it is this hard now, what will it be like in a few years when his children are fully in their teens? Just my opinion, but like Vivian, I wonder what you are thinking.

Lazygardens, Thank you for your response, I have been telling my fiance this for months now. My children will no longer come second. I went apartment hunting over the weekend.

Things came to a head with his daughter and she called her Mom to come and pick her up. He has told her, Your happiness is no longer our main objective, you will show respect in this house and treat others in a kind way or you may not live here.

Of couse his daughter and his x blame it all on me, but he really stood up for me, and said no more! I directly told him if she returns to this house to live I will move out period.

One other thing, I know you meant well, but just leaving is not as easy as it seems. This is my childrens home also. I am a full time student,I work part-time, and am very close to having my Degree, me giving into their misbehavior and walking away would mean taking my children's home once again, me quiting school and having to work full time, and having to place my youngest in Daycare. If we are not the problem, in my mind it is his kids who need to relocate, and I think he actually finally agree's. Throughout this entire situation he has always shown love to my Children, and they love him, he even coaches my 14 year old boys baseball team.

So just like me he has displayed poor judgement with his children in a different form though. He now feels it is best for our family here if his children live with their Mother, so this family can be entiled to some quality of life.

Thank You again I shared your e-mail with him, and maybe that helped trigger something.
Julie

If you are going to school full time, AND working part time...do the hours add up to less than working full time? Just wondering...

I do understand that you want/need to finish your degree since you are very close to finishing. I also understand that you now have a home for your children, that you may or may not be able to provide without his help.

I also understand how valuable it is to have someone to share your life with, and help you raise your children, instead of trying to raise them alone. Especially since he is a good man, who treats your children well.

And "I get" that his children have a choice in their behavior, and they are making your family life miserable.

However...as a parent, do you understand that if he turns his back on his children, he has failed in his role as a father and a parent? That these next 6 years are the most crutial years in the development of his kids, and will determine who they will be as adults? That as he chooses you and your children over his children (both he and his children will understand that he chose you over them) that will in and of itself create "issues" for both he and his children. Raising teenagers is enormously difficult for ALOT of people, even those with intact families. His children are acting out, of the anger and pain of what has happened in their life... I understand that you feel that they should not "win" and ruin what you and your fiancee' are trying to build...that their bad behavior should not be rewarded by getting them what they want...which is you and your children to leave. However, as a father and a man of integrity and honor...he must fight to hang in there and finish raising his children...whether he feels like it or not. Perhaps they do need to live with their mother...I don't know. But he should not give up on them because it is hard. And he is right in demanding that they treat others with respect, and that includes you and your children...but it also includes their teachers and others, or life will be hard for them...because in life, we must treat people we work with, and for, with respect, whether we like them or not. This is tough because their mother is teaching them one thing...but he needs to teach them what he sees as important...and do his best. The rest will one day be up to them.

I wish you the best as you try and do what is right for you, your children, and your fiancee' (and his children). He is in such a tough spot because he loves you, and does not want to lose you...and yet his own children need him...but their behavior is destroying everything he wants, and the life you two are trying to build. But as the kind and good man you know him to be...which makes him a man of honor trying to do what is right...by both you and as a parent. What a hard, hard spot to be in. He will need to be strong, wise and walk through this.

I wish you both better times ahead.

bnicebkind,
Thanks for your new input. But I respectfully disagree with some of your opinions.

First my fiance is not giving up on his children. We have done everything in our power to make his daughter happy for the last 2 years, all of our other 4 children share 2 rooms but she is the only one who has her own. I personally have also asked his kids on a number of occasions how can we make this better. When does a parent eventually have to put his foot down and no longer tolerate their childs destructive behavior. Would forcing his children to remain here, and us move be a better solution, would't that prove to them that their negative behavior, if displayed long enough, will get them what they want. When 7 people live in a house 2 cannot be the center of it.
As for his daughter now moving out to her Mom's, his daughter and his x-wife made that desicion, not us, and in Oregon at 14 a child can choose for themselves where they want to live. We told her she can be here whenever she wants, but she will follow the rules. And as for his son spending most of his time at his mom's now, his x also made that desicion, if anything our home is run by his x, because of her intent to have this not work. Like I said she doesn't want anyone to like her kids more than her, even their Dad. My fiance had another girlfriend before me, and the kids and his x did the same thing to her until she left. If his children are in a safe enviornment out at their Mom's and they say they are more happy out their, how is that bad parenting on our behalf, I definatly think she does mor harm that good with her parenting styles, but I cannot control that and neither can my fiance.

To your question about school and part-time work. I take the majority of my classes online so I can still be home to take care of the house, pick the kids up from school, and we don't have to have to put my little one in Daycare, I purposely timed my degree to be finished when all our kids are in school.

I must also remind, that my fiance and I have gone to therapy to make sure the parenting desicions we make are the right ones, and so far the therapist backs us up. I even tried to call his x 2 days ago to try and talk to her about things so we could develope a plan to move on from here, and she refuses to return my call. Yet her husband calls here all the time to complain about the kids.

Julie

Julie -
So, as I read your note, the kids are welcome ANY TIME they want to accept the house rules of respecting others?

If so, I agree totally.

Quote..."I directly told him that if his 14 year old daughter returns to this house to live, I will move out period".

To me, it sounds as if that is not the case. The kids are moving back to their mothers (who it sounds like is not really a very good influence on the kids) so their dad does not lose Julie.

Unfortunately, the relationship between his children and julie is so bad, that I wonder how he will parent his children, and not upset his fiancee. Lets hope that his visitation time with his own children is NOT lunch at McDonalds because it upsets his fiancee to have them around the house. The dad has his work cut out for him in finishing raising his children whose behavior needs to be worked with, an X who is undermining what he is trying to teach these kids to make them into healthy adults, and a fiancee' and the problems between his children and her before they have even married.

I feel what you are going thru. I am 1 year into my 2nd marriage to a wonderful man. I have 2 daughters (19 & 9)& he has 2 sons (17 & 16). None of the children see the other parents because they both just up & left. I am having a very hard time getting used to this new life. I have given everything I have to move these guys into our lives & try to make things work. His boys are just absolutely the hardest people in the world to deal with. The are very unrespective, rude & slobs. They have just taken over everything that once was mine. My girls & I are even having to label what food is ours, if not they eat everything in the house. (not to mention they really don't care if a name is on something or not) I feel they should be extremely thankful that I have given them a whole new "better" world than they had before, but they act like they are owed everything. Before they moved in, they lived in a mobile home, they had to share a room ( & now each have their own) no cable, no phone & their dad worked all the time. Maybe they prefer to go back? But, I have had enough. Their is constantly fighting/arguing between our kids. Their Dad totally understands the stress this has placed on our lives, has repeatedly talked/restricited the boys, with nothing working. He has even threatened to send them to their mom.....who doesn't want them either. (I am starting to maybe understand why she had to leave!) My girls have never lived in such a stressful environment! So I believe when school is out in 30 days, I will wave my white flag, put my house up for sale, file for divorce & relocate for the sake of my girls & my sanity.....and mark this up as a bad dream!! So I wish you luck, cause this is one of the hardest decisions I have EVER made!!!

JuJuBee,
All I want to say is that you need to pay close attention to see if the man in your life remains supportive and decisive. If he is inclined to swing indecisively from one course of action or opinion to another, or wavers--well, you might figure what you are in for.

I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma. In a very similar situation myself, very frustrating and damaging to our family. Don't know if this will be of any help to you, but if you don't have Dr. Richard Warshak's book, Divorce Poison, consider buying it. His book talks about every situation you're dealing with and both positive and negative techniques in handling them, why your stepchildren are turning on you and their mother's role in the equation. Hope this helps.