disengaging : I did like your presentation. I wish I can present my case just like that. There are times words won't come under lots stress. People such as yourself open up a door, I see it as wow, that is polite way to put it in... Great that tells me what I try to say it... In that aspect I do appreciate your letter. I really I have friends such as yourself, where I can discuss something of this nature, get a unbiased opinion. I was little bit frustrated with other posters, It is possible I was under stress, I am the one going through the good and bad, these people are not going through I am going through, at the same time trying to trap me, and make me look bad than worse. I understood my fall and my raise. I am trying to get a second opinion, because I do not want to run into the same path which was devastating path which caused me lose the person who loved me so much when we were together, now she is on the other side, it is gone. I am trying to recoup the loss and trying to get my head straight. When a baby trying to walk it falls few times, we try to help them out, rather finding faults that the baby should have held to the chair, if the baby did not, who to blame. That kind of talk is not help at least me. There were times, I try to type fast, lots of typos, irregular sentence formation. I am not a writer to impress everybody here at the same I have to present my case here so that some one is humble who could point out misbehavior and suggest possible solution. That is all I need from people such as you and others. I never thought I would come to a message board to discuss my issues. When things were rocking and rolling, never thought about there is a message board of this sort. Time and place, my action brought me here. I am still proud myself for seeking help, instead become alcoholic or drug addict or living a low life for ever and never get a break. We open up the opportunity, we shut the door. It is always we. What meant is that individual. Thanks for reading, I am not here to pi.ss people off, I learnt a lot from this message board. I would say I added more knowledge coming to this board. I will continue search for help if and when I needed it.

Welcome! We went through something similar, only it was X bad-mouthing DH (then boyfriend). DS was 3-4 when X and I split and DH and I (and X and his GF) started dating. X would say terribly nasty things about DH and it would upset DS very much. DS genuinely liked DH so it hurt him to hear these bad things about someone he liked. DH decided to "back off". In other words, he disengaged from DS to the point where DS rarely even saw him. He didn't disengage because of anything DS said or did (DS was never mean to DH), but he disengaged so DS wouldn't have to hear the bad things from X. This hurt DS even more. Basically, X caused DH to all-but abandon DS. This FURIATED me because I was expected to still be engaged with HIS daughter (attend school and sporting events, etc.), but he has an excuse for not putting any effort into DS. After about a year of that, I quit trying to get DH to care about DS and DS quit asking about DH or expecting to see him or SD. In turn, I quit caring if I saw DH and SD. DS and I had things to do and they had things to do, and slowly (over about 3 years) we were so busy with our separate things we didn't have time for things together. Finally, 4+ years into our relationship, I ended things with DH. It had been a long time coming. He wasn't happy with that (I'm still not sure what he was holding on to), and started re-engaging with DS. DS would be so excited to see DH and SD at his sporting events, and I could see a change in DH, too. He looked like he was enjoying them. Now (we've been married for 6 months, but together for 7 1/2 years), DH and DS have the coolest relationship. DS respects him, and DH genuinely likes DS's personality. I am still DS's parent, but DS respects that DH is a parent, too, even if he isn't his own. They have common interests that don't include me. And DH is seeing his re-engagement pay off. Just the other night, DH told me (for the first time ever) how proud he was of DS. I told DH he could take a little credit for himself because he's worked with DS and DS listens to him. I guess my point is don't back away, but don't push, either. Stay as involved as you always are so she can see consistency. Kids need consistency.

It is unfair of you to say that my DD is unreasonably demanding. Go back and read what I originally wrote about her New Zealand trip. There is a huge difference in what my SD24 did and what my DD did. My SD24 planned in her mind a 7 night cruise to Hawaii, which would mean that air flights from Wisconsin to California would have to be included in the trip, as she lives in Wisconsin. The price that she expected us to pay was for the entire trip, it would be at least $5000. My DD said that she would like to take the $1000, that we were offering each child, and apply hers to her New Zealand trip. We said we didn't care where they took a trip, as long as it was without children. We were not paying for a family vacation. The trip was offered as a weekend getaway for the couple only. We said right up fron that if the kids go, we do not pay anything. My daughter did not ask for a trip to New Zealand from us. She was already planning a trip there, and wondered if the cash could be applied to her already planned trip. We offered this trip because we wanted to do something nice for our children for their 5th anniversary. I do not feel that we are trying to buy love. My daughter did not ask for money, it was offered to her first. She only clarified with me how she could use the money that I offered to her. It is OK for SD24 to clarify details of the weekend getaway that we'd offered her too. But she only heard that her brother was going on a cruise, and translated that to a cruise for her too. We'll send her on the same 3 day cruise out of San Diego as we sent her brother. Her brother got himself to San Diego, he happens to live nearby. The problem with her, is that she made the assumption that whatever she planned, how ever long it was, or where ever it went, that Daddy would pay. Far different from what my daughter did. And now that the first kid took the trip, we can't very well retract the offer for the others. This will be the last offer of anything like that after they've all gotten their turn. As far as buying something for DD and not for SD, well they are keeping score. If they hear of something that I did for my kids, and not for them, then there are problems. I mailed a "care package" to my son in the Marines while he was in Iraq. At the same time my DHs daughter was 200 miles away in graduate school. I didn't see this as the same situation, but I was newly married, and didn't want to cause waves over a care package. It seemed like my DH wanted me to send one to his DD too. So, I did. I get an email for DS23 for Iraq telling me that he shared the brownies with the rest of his troops, and they all said thanks. He said they lasted about 5 minutes. The culture on base in Iraq, is when you get a package, you share. 2 weeks went by and I heard nothing from DS25. My DH phoned her and asked her if she got the package or not. She said yes, but was to busy to call and thank me. I never bothered to send her another one. My son now is in Somolia, and I send him one about every 4-6 weeks. If he starts taking them for granted, I'll stop with him too, but he hasn't. It's OK to disagree on the forum, but I think we should be curtious to each other. I don't think we should write something here that we would most likely not say to someone's face. I think we should share our experiences to help each other, but refrain from telling others how wrong they are just because they don't do it our way.

If you are going to school full time, AND working part time...do the hours add up to less than working full time? Just wondering... I do understand that you want/need to finish your degree since you are very close to finishing. I also understand that you now have a home for your children, that you may or may not be able to provide without his help. I also understand how valuable it is to have someone to share your life with, and help you raise your children, instead of trying to raise them alone. Especially since he is a good man, who treats your children well. And "I get" that his children have a choice in their behavior, and they are making your family life miserable. However...as a parent, do you understand that if he turns his back on his children, he has failed in his role as a father and a parent? That these next 6 years are the most crutial years in the development of his kids, and will determine who they will be as adults? That as he chooses you and your children over his children (both he and his children will understand that he chose you over them) that will in and of itself create "issues" for both he and his children. Raising teenagers is enormously difficult for ALOT of people, even those with intact families. His children are acting out, of the anger and pain of what has happened in their life... I understand that you feel that they should not "win" and ruin what you and your fiancee' are trying to build...that their bad behavior should not be rewarded by getting them what they want...which is you and your children to leave. However, as a father and a man of integrity and honor...he must fight to hang in there and finish raising his children...whether he feels like it or not. Perhaps they do need to live with their mother...I don't know. But he should not give up on them because it is hard. And he is right in demanding that they treat others with respect, and that includes you and your children...but it also includes their teachers and others, or life will be hard for them...because in life, we must treat people we work with, and for, with respect, whether we like them or not. This is tough because their mother is teaching them one thing...but he needs to teach them what he sees as important...and do his best. The rest will one day be up to them. I wish you the best as you try and do what is right for you, your children, and your fiancee' (and his children). He is in such a tough spot because he loves you, and does not want to lose you...and yet his own children need him...but their behavior is destroying everything he wants, and the life you two are trying to build. But as the kind and good man you know him to be...which makes him a man of honor trying to do what is right...by both you and as a parent. What a hard, hard spot to be in. He will need to be strong, wise and walk through this. I wish you both better times ahead.