I need your help to respond to my ex-wife

eldorado_hills

I was upset with this email, because she is going back to the past, back to accusation, poking, punching, put down, bashing etc. Some of the things what was said in the email was correct and it's past, it is been five years. I did flip flop because not having a stable jobs, debts, legal troubles. Now I do understand, do's and don't. All this happened or hurt caused to one and another, because we did not value one and another. Now it is been five years, She has moved on... So did I.

I don't understand a new beginning brings back shi.. load from the past and call it new beginning. How you respond to it. I just need help to respond so that I am not going back to the old shi..

Please do reply to eldorado_hills@yahoo.com . I would like to hear your thoughts, wanted to understand your view reading this email. I could be wrong and I could have misunderstood the entire email too. Every one of your opinion does count.

Below is the content of the email:

-----------------------------------------------

Happy New Year! I hope this is a new beginning with more solutions for both of us.

I am back from my vacation. I spent some quality time with xxx and she is very happy to be cared and loved.

I am immensely pleased to hear that you are in a position to step up to take your fatherly responsibilities; I understand that you want to settle some of the arrears (including spousal support) and want to continue to support as per the legal settlement. Please let me know if my understanding is accurate.

If it is so, I am willingly to work with you outside of the court. There are two options to work this smoothly.

  1. To work through Child support organization and send the payments through CSS so that you can get credit for all your payments directly from the Government. By doing this you will have a clean record with DCSS as you continue to pay all the arrears and hence you will not have to accuse me (like you did in your email) of not reporting the amount you send. I really think it is the best option. The legal proceedings and the case may be closed, but we can use DCSS for ongoing support establishment.
  2. If you have any hesitation in working through DCSS, you can wire transfer the money to my account in the bank.
  3. If you have any better idea, I can definitely consider and evaluate it.

Even though I have full legal custody of xxx, I want her to have a father and I am willing to work with you to keep her happy. So, I need to be convinced that you have the ability to keep your word and honor your commitment to provide full support for xxx (as you mentioned to her) before we raise her hopes and expectations. This is very important to me after what she has been through. I can only bring her back to the U.S. for the upcoming school year after I am convinced of your sincerity. I am not interested in "dà vu" all over again.

I want you to have the opportunity to prove that you have changed and you have the potential to be a responsible "Father" (unlike in the last few years where she was continuously disappointed due to lack of any communication from you). I am sure she wants you to be a part of her life and I trust that you will not deprive her of your fatherly love and financial support.

I want to assume that you are not up to your old tricks like monitoring my IP address or illegally intruding my e-mails etc. This makes our communication more difficult if not impossible.

Hoping for a constructive change .

------------------------------------

I felt bashing, punching, put down, accusation, treating me like a child. Things much better from my side, financial stability, no flip flops, keep up my word, solid commitment etc.

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justnotmartha

"I was upset with this email, because she is going back to the past, back to accusation, poking, punching, put down, bashing etc. Some of the things what was said in the email was correct and it's past, it is been five years. I did flip flop because not having a stable jobs, debts, legal troubles. Now I do understand, do's and don't."

That is great . . . but how does she know this? What have you done to show her? All people can be judged on are past actions - we can't predict the future. If the past isn't pretty then it would require a huge leap of faith to accept the changed person you've become without some solid evidence to back it up . . . and when you are dealing with a child I think it takes a few years to be solid.

So I have to ask, how long has it been since you made this positive change? Have you given her many examples over a long period of time that you can be trusted with her daughter's emotional and physical well being? Or are you expecting her to bet her child on your word?

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disengaging

It's really hard to provide advice without knowing more to the story.

Was her e-mail patronizing and condensending? YES, of course! For all I know, she may have a good reason for that, but it doesn't matter. Do you really care what she thinks or says? Or do you just want to be a part of your daughter's life?

Your X says that she has full "legal custody". Well, there's usually a difference between "legal" and "physical" custody. Does she have physical custody as well?

Most courts view child support and visitation rights as 2 completely separate issues. No matter how far behind a parent is in their child support, it usually does not give the custodial parent the right to withhold visitation rights.

Of course, the point is kind of mote if she's out of the country, so right now, I'd ignore her petty nonsense and do whatever it takes to get her to return. For you to see your daughter, you need to get her here first, so I'd swallow my pride, and bide your time.

Once your daughter is here, your X and you can either work out a reasonable visitation schedule, or you can take her to court and have a judge inform her that she doesn't get to decide whether or not SHE thinks you're a "responsible father"--that's not her perogative! Just because the court may have gave her custody, does not make your daughter her personal property, or permit her to withhold visitation, at her whim! If she doesn't like it--too bad!

Of course, it's usually preferable, and far cheaper, for the parents to work out reasonable visitation schedules between themselves without involving the court. If you do have to go to court though, generally, any past child support arrearages are completely IRRELEVANT, and regarded as a completely separate issue, so I wouldn't let her use that to intimidate you. However, if you didn't adhere to visitation schedules in the past, well, that might count against you.

Unless there is a charge for doing so, I'd personally prefer to continue sending the money through CSS to make sure you receive full credit with the courts.

Best of luck!

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finedreams

I see nothing wrong with the email, sounds perfectly fine to me.

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kkny

I agree - the email looks fine. CS arrearages are irrelevant for custody, but you can go to jail for arrearages. And the absence from the child's life for many years is not likely to impress a judge.

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imamommy

To me, the email sounds as if the ex wife is disappointed in dad or angry that her kids are being hurt. It sounds as if she is trying to take the high road and give an opportunity to make amends but she does sound a little condescending and controlling. (I actually wouldn't fault her if she has put up with a lot from you in the past) You may think the past may be forgotten but until you make amends, it isn't likely to be. It's a lot easier to forgive than forget sometimes. She has had to live with the pain you have caused your/her children and she has to deal with it day after day.

My daughter's father tried to solicit me to encourage our daughter to give him another chance. When she was 12, I did encourage her to give him a chance, even though he had been absent from her life for 12 years (since before she was born). He lied to her and never apologized or tried to make up for anything.. then disappeared for another five years. THEN, he expected her to welcome him with open arms. NOT!

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eldorado_hills

I tend to agree with "disengage", "Imamommy" the part they mentioned that the email is condescending and controlling. When I read her email I understood two important thing to be taken care from her email #1. Financial support for our daughter/spousal support 2. Be loving Dad and play an important role in your child's future

I can not understand why would any one who are practical would add extra spices into their email, such accusing, bashing, bringing back the past.

How would that add value to what she inclined to have me do it? By simply writing it down, practically going to change the outcome?

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kkny

Eldorado, I dont see this as bashing. I see this as someone who knows the past and realizes it has to be dealt with. When you have shown that you havent been irresponsible in the past, people do remember and deal with it. I dont know why you are focusing on the tone of the letter -- why does it even matter?

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eldorado_hills

I have requested the reader to provide how would you reply to this email? I am asking this question, because if a person is condescending and controlling nature, do they really going "buy" what you have say? Guts tells me, she would not believe what ever the response may be.

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justnotmartha

Why would she bring up the past? Because it sounds like it's all she has to base an opinion on. You haven't answered - how long ago was this 'past'? 5 years? 1 year? A few months?

I can't understand why anyone "practical" would not support his child, both emotionally and monitarily. I can understand why someone might bring up the somewhat recent past to illustrate why they feel a certain way. My Sd's mom demonstrated very poor decision making 8 years ago with regard to her child's safety, and though I know she's changed that doesn't mean I don't think she could do it again. Her past actions showed a lack of judgment no parent should ever have.

So again I ask you - how much proof have you given her of your change? How much time has she been given to see you mean it?

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justnotmartha

Eldorado, you haven't given us enough history to even begin to tell you how to repond. I am more controlling with my 4 year old than my 14 year old because the 14 year old has demostrated that she doesn't need as much control. So what are you - the 4 or 14 year old? You seem to want answers but not to answer questions. . .

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eldorado_hills

KKNY: This is the first time she wrote me an email of this nature, since she divorced me. I contacted my daughter back in Nov 1st week, and mentioned to our daughter that How Much I miss her, and How much I love her, I infact admitted to our daughter all my fault, I have not stayed in touch her, I apologized to her. She did overcome that did forgive me.

During Nov 1st week I wrote an email to ex in reference to catching up spousal support arrears. I did not get any reply from them.

Then on January, 2009, I got email from our daughter. I gave her my cell phone, she contacted me. We have been talking to one and another atleast 1 to 1 1/2 every day. Things are smooth between my daughter & I. Today I got an email from my -ex for the email that I sent, back in Nov 2nd week.

My daughter loves me so much, though I don't deserve it 100%, the reason I am saying this, because I neglected our daughter because of the bitterness and anger towards my -ex for last 1 1/2 years. I realized it is not right, I did overcome that. That when I sent out email to our daughter. I did not say anything to our daughter during this two weeks period other than talk about her and myself. I just talk to our daughter and catch up all the things I missed during these years.

There comes a email with "tone of the letter" does not sound nice. I have no games to play. If she did not believe me, she should have gone to the DCSS, rather nailing me with the tone in her email. Does it help? If it did , I would not be in this message board.

Had she not reply to me, still she will get the spousal and child support through DCSS, one way or another. She just have open up the case.

Why writing things that you don't have to, unless the things that you wrote, is going to change the outcome.

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eldorado_hills

Does it matter what I think whether -4 or -14? It is all about, What she thinks? She wrote the email, based on what she thinks.

That is how the story goes by. That is how it is last 5 years ( out of that 1 1/2 years no contact).

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imamommy

It sounds as if you are just upset with her tone, and based on what you have said here, she has reason to be irritated with you. You have stayed away from your daughter for a year and a half... leaving her with the sole responsibility for caring for your child plus in financial detriment since you admit being in arrears. I would be pissed and I would have a 'tone' too.

You've done wrong... should she just rise above it and ignore that you punished her daughter for a year and a half because YOU had a problem dealing with her? Maybe. Perhaps some mother's could get over it because it's what's best for the child, for both parents to be involved in the child's life. However, your ex has been there with your daughter through the tears and heartache of your absence and now you decide you want to swoop back in and expect her to greet you with a cordial attitude. Some people may be that big, but I certainly don't fault your ex for not being able to let you back into her good graces without making you squirm a little and suffer through her 'tone'.

This really isn't about you. This is about your daughter and so far, you can't tell that from your posts.

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justnotmartha

You don't contact she or your child for a year and a half and have the guts to complain that she took two months to get back to you because you're now ready to be the parent she's been EVERYDAY while you dealt with your anger?

Can you not see beyond your own nose?

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eldorado_hills

Justnotmartha, I did not complain she took 2 months to get back to me. I mentioned what happend for the reader have a better understanding what has

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lovehadley

I am the parent of a 6 (approaching 7) year old daughter whose "father" has seen her once, when she was 6 months old.

So I mgiht be a little biased here.

BUT I think your ex wife is well within her rights to have a "tone," if you even want to call it that. The only way I can see you reading that as "condescending" is if you know there's truth in her words. And it sounds like there is.

I'm sorry, but you skipping out on your daughter while you worked through your "bitterness" towards your ex wife is selfish and petty. The fact that you stated that and seem to offer it as a reasonble explanation for your 1.5 yr absence demonstrates, at least to the reader, that you are not willing to take any responsibility for your own actions.

There is no excuse to bail on one's child.

I do think you have the right to try to reconnect with your child and be given a chance to do the right thing. But how can you expect your wife to be jumping with joy? Everything she said in her email seemed perfectly reasonable and expected, given the situation.

So unless there is a big piece of the puzzle missing, I think what your ex wrote was fine and if I were you, and I TRULY wanted to be in my child's life, I would proceed carefully and SHOW your ex that you are sincere---not by your words but by your consistent actions over time.

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kkny

Actually, the more I read the email, the less condesding and the more forgiving it is. Is it possible that your Xwife can not afford to return to this country unless she has the CS you are supposed to pay?

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eldorado_hills

lovehadley : I like the way you put it. Based on several readers, her "tone", email being "condescending" is acceptable and she has a rights have that "tone" becomes a standard in the future to take this approach for -ex and soon to be -ex.

I was not thinking clearly what is most important in life. I got side tracked of the loss of marriage, her intention, court case etc. I was not resilient in the past.

I paid the price. I understood the do's and don't. I did not repeat the "don't" in the last 1 1/2 years. This is first opportunity for both of us to trust one and another and have a faith in one and another. They did not initiate the communication, I initiated this communication on Nov 1st week, 2008. When I did not get a reply back for about 2 months, I sent a another email to our daughter to show my desire to be part of her life and reiterated my commitment towards financial support and moral support.

Things started changing for good, I am pleased with the outcome. We have been communicating for the last 10 days. There comes the email...

While I was talking to our daughter, I did not want to bring up any thing from the past, I just talked to our daughter all about herself & I. What we could do as team. How can we bring you back to U.S and what needs to be done to keep you here. I extended my unconditional financial support to my ex.

Don't you think, she has to wait to see results before get into the past events. Any results can not be validate in 10 days. Doesn't she have to wait for the results before get into the accusation, condescending, controlling manner. I can not cook up the results in 10days. If she is not convinced after 3 to 9 month or a year, there is validity going back to the past to point out that I have not changed.

That is my take on this.

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kkny

You havent spoken to your daughter in years, and then reconnect two months ago and you expect your wife to pick and move and trust you????

Poll to all here -- how many of you would pick up and move in this situation??? - I would need to get more comfortable.

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eldorado_hills

She is here in U.S. I did not have proper job between 2005-2006. I worked my way up, getting a job in computer Sep 2006, I got laid of twice between 2006 to 2008, I paid Child Support arrears in full May 31st, 2007 and paid partial arrears towards Spousal Support at the same time. Between 2005-2006, I could not send any money because I lost my computer job, She mentioned she can not afford to keep the child in U.S and decided to send our daughter to India for studies. I would not know anything whether she is making descent income or not, whether she did higher studies. Now our daughter wanted to come back U.S and I offered unconditional financial support & love in my email to our daughter . It is been 10 days since we started communication since 2007 January.

I went to see my mother overseas because she was dying, I stayed with my mother for 3 months, took care of my mother, brought her to U.S while she was sick. She to ER and hospitalized, and she is alive and I am taking care of her. She mentioned about me being responsible toward our daughter. If I were screwed up like before, do anybody think I could have taken care of my mother in U.S in last 5 months? Keeping the elderly person severe sickness in U.S extremely risky due to insurance coverage etc. Once again "Subject here is being responsible" "being committed" and "sincere towards the action".

She knew what happened to my mother, if she could not see that I am a responsible person towards others (in this case my mother). There is no way she would believe in the future, If I were to simply reply to her email

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quirk

I think she sounds quite gracious.

Don't you think, she has to wait to see results before get into the past events. Any results can not be validate in 10 days. Doesn't she have to wait for the results before get into the accusation, condescending, controlling manner. I can not cook up the results in 10days. If she is not convinced after 3 to 9 month or a year, there is validity going back to the past to point out that I have not changed.

You have it backwards. You have spent years demosntrating through your actions that you are unreliable and can't be trusted. If you want her to believe that you have changed YOU have to spend the time proving that you have by your actions, BEFORE you can expect her to let the past go. At this point, she is being more generous than she needs to be, or than you've earned, just by giving you that opportunity.

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kkny

Your Xwife may legitimately be concerned that if she brings the child back you will not pay spousal support, and if she can not afford to stay in this country, she will have to go home without her daughter. If this is the case if I were in her shoes, I would be concerned. I dont know if she can even work in this country.

Again, poll to others -- would you move back to a country if you werent assured of being paid support you need to get by.

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eldorado_hills

She has every right not trust to me, what difference does it make pointing it out when you are not trusting, what are you trying imply by writing all those things. If it had not changed in the past- by pointing out again and again, poking more and more, how would this going to change the outcome Kinky?

I am not expecting her to trust me over night, and I am not expecting her to trust me at all. Honestly I did not write to her saying I am clean, I am great guy, trust me, I am committed etc.

I sent an email to her that I wanted to catch up with my Spousal Support arrears payment. That is the precise content of the email I sent to her back in Nov. Then I sent an email to our daughter about the commitment, love.

If some one is practical have no grudge towards their -ex , all they do, is to provide their address to receive the payment (check). She could have evaluated this process and my commitment towards our daughter over phone, and email for about several months or years before sending an email such as this.

When you come back second time around, Don't you want to give time to evaluate (With in 10 days you shoot an email with all the past/worst performance). What ever she wrote was past happened between 2004 May through 2007 Oct. We ceased our communication since then until Nov 2008. I was first to initiate the communication to both of them.

If you don't have patience, why even waste your time sending an email of this sort. Where is the value addition here? Just venting out your past incidence would not contribute anything to the future, that is my take on this email. If most of the readers say that she has right to write... tone she used or in controlling manner, that is setting as an example, that will become a standard.

Two things I see from that email. Payments needed to be made and continue support your daughter. That is what my object is and that was the reason I contacted both of them

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almoststepmom

I have read through the posts and I think that the reason that your ex did not respond for two months was that she did not want to expose your daughter to any hurt if you were not serious about wanting to be a better father. Until you made the contact with your daughter and could prove that you have changed, she would not have brought this up to her. I know that I would not. As for the tone of the letter, I think that she is fair. She does not go into a lot of detail to bring up the past but does make sure that you know that she will not put up with the same behavior that estranged your daughter from you in the past. I think the letter is justified but I think that you need to back off from her tone and be very reassuring in your return letter that you will do all that you can to help out for your daughter--after all, this is not about your ex anymore. This is all for your daughter. You have had the tendency in the past to focus too much on your ex instead of your daughter which is what this letter seems to be causing once again. After the divorce, we all have to be able more often than not to look the other way to some extent to be able to do what is best for the children. I know that I have kept my mouth shut A LOT when I would have loved to tell my ex what I truly thought about him but I did not because I knew that fighting would only be harder on my son.

I think that you need to do whatever it is that you can to prove to your daughter that you are there for her and will be from now on. The more that you prove this to her without worrying about ex, the stronger your relationship will become with your daughter and your ex will see this. It is not going to happen over night and ten days is truly a very short time compared to a year and a half. I would honestly send an email back to your ex with nothing but reassurance on your part of your sincerity. Do not go back into the past as she has but focus on the future and how you plan to make things right. Maybe by you focusing on the right now and the future she will be able to look past the inconsistencies in your past. I hate to say this but maybe even a sincere apology on your part for the pain that you have put your daughter through that she has had to pick up the pieces (and maybe her behavior has caused part of it but you are the one that in the end let that behavior cause you to turn away from the one person that you should have never turned your back on) then go on to a final note that after your apology that you have moved on and now will look only to the future and you would like her to do the same. Let your actions show her how sincere you are. Keep up the contact with your daughter. Pay the money through the courts so there can be no fighting over whether the money has been paid or not. Do not give any chance for disturbances that would cause her not to move back near you and keep you away from your daughter.

I wish you the best of luck. I believe that you have a long road ahead of you to prove to those around you that you have truly changed. But I do believe your ex knows that your daughter misses her father and if you prove that you are trustworthy I believe that she will be willing to work with you on being able to see your daughter. But I think the most important thing is to have patience. This will take time.

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eldorado_hills

"You have it backwards. You have spent years demonstrating through your actions that you are unreliable and can't be trusted. If you want her to believe that you have changed YOU have to spend the time proving that you have by your actions, BEFORE you can expect her to let the past go. At this point, she is being more generous than she needs to be, or than you've earned, just by giving you that opportunity."

By writing that email, what is she try convey which was not conveyed before? I did not tell her that I am changed, I am good guy, great guy etc. If she wanted to evaluate me that is up to her. I did not tell her that she has to believe me or evaluate me. All I said was if it new beginning, put both parties put aside differences, work towards one goal, which our daughter. To do that, all we need is financial support, love (+moral support).

Two things I could do with in my control, financial support and love. I ignited the engine as far as I could think. I did not do this to impress her. I did it for myself, out of consciousness, what is appropriate or more appropriate for the people that I care.

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eldorado_hills

almoststepmom: I like the way presented your input. I am learning lot from your post. Thanks so much.

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justnotmartha

In my opinion you don't sound like you don't want to learn - you want to be validated. Sorry - I think you are dead wrong.

YOU held a grudge against your ex. You stated yourself you were bitter. But now she can't hold one against you because you are a "changed man?" Give me a break - how dumb do you think woman are? The hypocrisy in almost everything you've written here is astounding. Put yourself in your ex wife's shoes for a minute. Think about how the last year and a half has been for her without ANY support or involvement from you. Think about how the last 5 years have been with your on again/off again support. Now ask yourself - would you be willing to jump into that fire again without question? Of course not - no one in their right mind would. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

The past most certainly has value on the future. It is the backbone of the future. Just because she brings it up doesn't mean she isn't willing to give you a chance to change, it's telling you - in a much kinder way than I believe you deserved - that she will not risk her daughter by blindly exposing her to your 'changed behavior.' She's saying you can't expect her to change the way she feels about you as a parent overnight based on a few emails and calls. It's her job to protect your daughter, and it sounds like she's had to protect her from you. That is your doing. You need to understand and appreciate how hard that must have been for her. Quit worrying about yourself.

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kev111

Just want to add my voice to the chorus here.

My amateur psychology side says to me that the real reason the email from your Ex bothers you so much is because the things she writes are true and you know it. It's painful to think about ways in which we may have hurt others, but it's necessary if we want to stop doing so and avoid it in the future. Take a look at the things written and take them in - it's important.

Then you move to the future.

As others have stated, actions speak louder than words and this is what will matter. Not matter most, but actions are the ONLY things that will matter here. Prove your worth by demonstration, and if ever you even hesitate go back and read that email again and look at a picture of your daughter.

As a father to a daughter I cannot fathom any set of circumstances that would keep me from her. Not the slings and arrows of past transgressions, not anything. I get the sense that you are beginning to realize the strength of your own bond, and that's good.

I'll end as with the majority of the chorus here: learn from your mistakes, hang your head, deal with the grievances, and move forward so you can build a life that includes your daughter - your flesh and blood. Nothing could be more worth it.

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sovra

What really sent up a red flag for me is that you said, "I just talked to our daughter all about herself & I. What we could do as team. How can we bring you back to U.S and what needs to be done to keep you here." In another post, you also said, "Now our daughter wanted to come back U.S and I offered unconditional financial support & love in my email to our daughter . It is been 10 days since we started communication since 2007 January."

It seems really inappropriate to me to talk with the child about something as big as her moving to be closer to you, especially when you've only been in touch for ten days and haven't worked on it through the courts or with her mother. Where she lives isn't her decision: it's largely up to the courts and/or the cooperation of the parents. If you want her to move back, it would be kinder to her to negotiate with your ex-wife and not even let your daughter know that the conversation is happening. If it works out that they come back, great. But if it doesn't work out or if it takes a long time, you're needlessly jerking your daughter around and creating turmoil in her life.

I grew up with divorced parents and was told things about their legal struggles that I should not have known about. I was a very angry and unhappy young person, and my concern is that you are setting your daughter up to feel the same way. In my case, I was angry with both of them: the one for creating the situation, and the other for telling me about it. It really, really does not do a child or a young adult any good to involve them in conversations about things that can only be settled between the parents.

I understand that you want to focus on your ex-wife's letter, but my opinion is that it's far more important that you think carefully about what you're saying to your daughter. She is the one that you need to look out for in this situation. Let her be as happy as she can be while you and your ex-wife sort things out in the background.

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disengaging

el dorado,

Just to give you a "heads up" you may wish to take into consideration that kkny is an X wife who's husband cheated on and left her for the woman he's currently living with, so that's the perspective she's coming from.

It's pointless to argue with her and there's no need to defend yourself against the things she says either. Twisting the facts to suit her own personal agenda is just what she does, so please don't let her upset you.

The only thing you owe your X is the court ordered child and spousal support payments--that's it! She is no longer your wife, and she gave up any rights she ever had to run your life during the divorce proceedings. It is not her trust you need to regain, unless you want to avoid having to go to court.

Why was she even allowed to take your child out of the country? Was it because you didn't have the money at the time to stop her? Or was it because you were behind on your support payments and didn't think you'd win in court?

My husband was still working on "catching up" when his X remarried and attempted to take HIS children out of the country where her brand-new husband had been offered a transfer--to Iran! Yeah, well, her and her new husband didn't get their way. He didn't take her to court, just informed her that if she tried, he would and that she should be perfectly aware that their divorce decree stipulated that if she left the area, she was responsible for returning the child every 30 days at minimum, so he sure hoped they had the money to pay for their plane tickets. There was no arguing, no snotty comments, it was simply "cut and dry" and that was my husband's final word. Her new husband didn't take the transfer, and that was the end of that.

Have you checked your divorce decree for any such similar stipulations? A good friend of my husband had an X who took his kids and ran off to London and he had to hire a PI to track them down and file for extradition back to the United States. His X ended up in a federal prison for 3 years after being convicted of the kidnapping charges! Divorced parents who don't understand that their children are not their exclusive personal property, and imagine they have the right to run off with them where ever they wish are now being dealt very harshly with by the court system.

So please read your divorce decree and check the law for your state, because these laws do vary widely from state-to-state.

But if you want to avoid the entire court route, I seriously recommend you ignore her snotty comments, and just comply! Say and do whatever she wants, at least for now. For now, bide your time and get your "ducks in a row" by learning all your legal rights and possible legal recourses.

Once she and your daughter are here, hopely by then you will have found some legal recourse to fall back on, just in case you feel she continues attempting to be domineering, snotty and controlling.

Good luck!

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mom_of_4

I was thinking the same thing as sovra. If my daughters father disappeared for more than a year with no contact...suddenly started contacting us again and then proceeded to discuss with my daughter her moving back the us and being team blah blah blah... I would have more than a tone. The fact is your messed up big time. Being a parent doesnt mean that when things get rough you get to disappear. You say daughter is happy and has forgiven you...but really you have only been talking for to months or so intermittenly... I can gaurantee you daughter has many more issues with you disappearing and then reappearing than even she is willing to to get into at this point. I think the email from your ex was more than gracious trying to work things out and stating simple facts of what she would accept and what she needs in order to proceed further. I think you need to accept her 'tone' as you call it graciously. Because, to be quite honest you are lucky that is all you are getting.

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disengaging

I suddenly realized that no one has actually responded to your question, including me!

She's already told you what she wants, so here's how I would respond.

Dear X,

I am so delighted to hear you are willing to give me another chance! Please just tell me what it is you would like me to do, so we can begin working towards our mutual goal. You know how much I love our daughter and her happiness means everything to me, as it does to you. Being separated from her has been unbearable and I know that given the opportunity, I can make up for all my past transgressions to her, and you as well. I am so looking forward to being there for her, both financially as well as taking an active part in her life as she grows, supporting her emotionally with all the love I hold for her in my heart.

I apologize to you for the financial hardship I placed on you by failing to meet my financial obligations towards you and our daughter in the past. Neither you or her should have had to suffer for that, and I am grateful that during that time, our daughter had you as her mother, to make sure she was well provided for and loved.

To ensure you of my sincerity of my desire to provide for our daughter, and you as well, I will deposit #_______ immediately and will be making regular payments as per our legal agreement. With your consent, for the time being I would appreciate continuing making my payments through CSS, to erase any possible past negative impression they may hold of me as a "dead-beat" father.

I also hope you will accept my sincere apology for my dishonorable actions during our divorce proceedings. I realize my pain and anger was no excuse--you deserved far better. I am truely sorry for ever having placed you, as the mother of our daughter, in that bad a position.

I feel truely blessed that you are even willing to consider offering me this opportunity, and know it is only because you have always placed the best interests of our daughter above your own, and do not wish to see her disappointed again. You have every legitimate reason to distrust me, so please let me know what I can do to demonstrate my sincerity.

With sincere gratitude,
XXXX

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eldorado_hills

disengaging; Thank you for coming up with your thoughts on the response. Pretty much most of the readers finding faults in me, what was wrong. Everybody is consistent telling me to demonstrate, but no hints. If I ask for it, they will be look beyond nose or keep my heads up, etc.

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eldorado_hills

I read your response. It is really good. I like the way you put it. I wish I can write like this. I know how to think like that, but I do not know how to put in writing. Important things live up to it. -Thanks.

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ashley1979

ElDorado - I really think that you should respond very matter-of-factly so as to not let any emotions you might have come through. I would just tell her you would like to work through the CS organization and that you are fully committed to your daughter just as you were before you made some mistakes.

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disengaging

I read your response. It is really good. I like the way you put it. I wish I can write like this. I know how to think like that, but I do not know how to put in writing. Important things live up to it. -Thanks

You're welcome. I was actually using a business letter format for responding to customer service complaints using a technique called "parroting".

First, you simply acknowledge and validate their complaints by "parroting" them back, addressing each point individually, and then offering a heartfelt apology. You then tell you them the action you will take to resolve the problem, and then thank them for giving you the opportunity to do so.

But it really was just an example, I used the word "sincere" too many times, and the first line should have read "I am so delighted to hear that you are willing to give me another chance to be a good father to xxxxxxx" The way it reads above, might give the impression that the person you want another chance with is your X!

And there should also be 1 last line to the end such as, "Please give xxxxxx my love, and let her know that she is in my thoughts and prayers."....or something similar.

Best of luck!

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eldorado_hills

I am thankful that I came to this website and get to hear from all of you and your views in reference the my -ex's email. When we engage a conversation to others through message board or over the phone, a counselor, not reveling the identity, people try not to be biased and tend to offer their unbiased views. There are exception. Again, there were few -ex's in this message board when they hear a story such as mine, they tend to compare their issues with mine, and take a side, as most of human does.

One thing I noticed from most the readers and viewers response, they are very consistent telling me or person such me to demonstrate to my -ex and kids, they did not offer what would it take to demonstrate, how would it viewed by the -ex and kids while demonstrating with in a week to month, or month to a year, year to several years. While the person is in the demonstrating process, there will be lot of challenge and unknown issues might pop up, how to do handle tough situation something of that nature. That is something don't tell, don't ask policy. Some of the readers responded to my post, appears to show as if they or I, "know it all", it is "no brainier", can't outside box, etc.

At the same token, there are readers who did post, what can be done or atleast try to recoup the damage that was done. What could be general outline to deal with a problem/issue/challenges such as this.

Either way I liked your post Disengaging, I did alter your letter, tailored it to blend with my situation. Your letter is great, I love to know the name of the book or software that you used to form the business letter.

I also would like to hear from other readers.

Thanks.

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disengaging

I love to know the name of the book or software that you used to form the business letter.

I learned that over 20 years ago when I was a customer service manager for a major hotel chain--back when companies actually CARED about making customers happy and service reps who were nasty got fired! I always took care of the most difficult customers personally, and laid it on so thick, by the time I was done they usually apologized to me!

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quirk

There isn't a trick to demonstrating, you just do it. You "demonstrate" you are trustworthy by being trustworthy; pay your support when you're supposed to, keep your promises, don't spy on email, don't talk to daughter about plans without discussing with ex-wife first, etc. How will they react? Impossible to say; depends on so many things, the totality of your past history, their individual personalities, etc. There is no guarantee; either that it will ever work or if it does, how long it will take. Sometimes once you've lost someone's trust, it's gone forever, sometimes you can earn it back.

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lovehadley

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that someone just gave this guy a "form letter" to win his ex-wife's trust back?

If OP is sincere then he should figure out what to say and how on his own. Putting words on paper for him and providing him with EXACTLY what to say seems so wrong to me!

Seems like it's just teaching him to BS to get what he wants. And the person that will suffer if he's not sincere is his daughter. If OP is sincere, he should figure out what to say on his own. Sure, we can give him ideas and suggestions, but I don't think ANYBODY should be writing this letter for him.

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eldorado_hills

Lovehadley: I could not figure it out. That's why I approached this board to give me ideas, suggestion etc.

How could you say something like this . If you don't want to write, sure this understandable, How could you tell all the board members not to do something inclined to do it.

If some one desire to help me out and if I am happy with the content, I am going to take it.

Nobody was a born writer, some people are better than others. We all learn from others (school, books, society ). 5 Years from now, I could be better writer, putting things perspective. What ever you feel is in your mind, but If it could not come out when you wanted to write, that is of no use.

If some is trying to open up a door for me, and you are trying shut it, you got a problem. I dont understand why would you tell everybody such as this "I don't think ANYBODY should be writing this letter for him" . If you dont think, you dont write. I am fine with that.

I do not know why would it bother you if some one gives me a layout. You controlling the others with your thoughts. They have their own brain, they do what is appropriate or not.

Letter is not to trick my -ex, letter is a suggestion. The member helped me with the format and guideline. I did not agree with certain words, phrase in that letter, I modified to suit words based on the situation I am in.

First of all you do not know both side 100%, if you are biased, that is how you analyzed, I don't have nothing contribute to your decision making.

I am appreciating the person who came up with that letter.

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finedreams

My exhusband is difinitelly more reliable and more involved father than OP, he is also much more accomplished career wise and yet i would not rely on him to make such decisions as moving somewhere. who knows what can happen. It probably not wise to rely on exhusbands, they are exhusbands for a reason, so i do not know why exwife would determine any of her decisons based on what OP says.

My X's company had a major bankrupcy once and he lost everything, it was tough on everyone. Luckily I never had to rely on him for survival, but what if i would? It is never wise to rely on other people for basic existance especially when children are involved.

If your exwife cannot support herself in a different country she should stay where she is at. If she couldn't rely on you then, why would she rely on you now>?

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imamommy

Lovehadley, I agree! Wasn't gonna say anything but now that you bring it up...

I learned how to write 'those' letters in a business class I took. It was meant to teach good customer service. Ha! I get an occasional one myself and it's an obvious 'form letter' like you say and I know hundreds, thousands or even millions of other people are getting one... addressed to 'valued customer'. Of course, if I'm so 'valued', why hasn't someone picked up a phone and called me instead of sending a ridiculous 'form' letter... but I know "that's business". I don't take it as being 'sincere' but I guess it's better than being ignored.

OP, You were given LOTS of suggestions... most were to stop worrying over how your ex feels or the words/tone she is using because she has every right to be angry/hurt/disappointed, or whatever else she may feel about you jumping ship for over a year and then expect to be saluted because you are back on board now.

You found the words to convince the woman to marry you at one time, why is it so hard to find the words to convince her you are grateful for a second chance to be in your daughter's life. Sending a letter like the one suggested is an insult and will probably be recognized for the 'form letter' it is. I would roll my eyes if I got a letter like that from my daughter's father who also jumped ship. Of course, I'm not angry at him. If your ex is still angry at you, it's likely to make her even angrier. It isn't very sincere to ask people what to say.. it should come from your heart. It would be better to ask people what not to say, so you don't make the situation even worse. You created the situation and the only good answer is for you to take responsibility for it and do everything you can to fix it. Start with coming up with your own letter... not amending a form letter used in business.

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eldorado_hills

She is not relying on me, I heard from our daughter, she is in IT, computers etc. She does want me in our daughter's life, She is also pleased that I am there for my daughter. She wants to make sure no flip flops going forward. She is not convinced that I can be trust worthy and reliable based on the past experience.
I don't blame her, I was not comfortable kept hearing this over and over again.

Between 2004-2007 was pretty rough. She pressed misdemeanor charges on me on 2005.I was all by myself, I did not take anybodies support such as suggestion. I did what I could, I screwed up so much. I lost my bank/credit card accounts, followed by Bankruptcy, lost my roof because I could not pay my rent, did not have a job. I worked at the Gas station.

Suddenly, I woke up and realized what have I done? It took about 2 1/2 years, when I woke up. I got my computer job back, I started making $65.00 per hour. I was working hard to build a base, got my bank/credit account through a friend mine when I was working at the gas station. I came to know his family, then his father loaned me to buy a new car, which I payed it off with in a month after I got my paycheck.

Now my based fully established, I have 2009 Huydai Sonata, decent brand new furniture, cell phone, nice clothes, my own bank account/credit card account, daughter, except ex-wife.

I got a stable job. Go to work come back, saved money. Now that my base is fully established, I approached our daughter. I call her everyday and speak with 1 1/2 hours in the morning.

She is very pleased that she got her father back. I promised to my -ex I will support our daughter unconditionally with no strings attached.

I did modify the letter, disengage posted on the forum to suit my circumstance. I am drawing 5 digit figure, I can afford things that I could not between 2004-2006. Because my focus was winning her, punishing her and their family members, p.is.s her off. Irritate her. It was an ego problem.

Once I realized, I stopped sending nasty emails, quit my dirty behaviour. It is been 1 1/2 years since I sent mind boggling emails. I felt sad for her. I felt sad for our daughter. I decided to amend, as much as I could. I can not revert what happened, because it already happened. I can dress the wound that I created, give them peace of mind, comfort that I could. That is only option that I have based on what happened

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eldorado_hills

imamommy: I am thankful to God that you were not my -ex. That will tell you what I mean. My -ex is 10,000% better than the quality you have about the situation people run into it. I am sorry to point it out.

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imamommy

When someone puts money and possessions before their family/children and thinks that's OKAY... it says a lot about the type of person they are. It shows priorities and what's important to them... and if making a 5 figure income and driving a 2009 Hyundai (which isn't really something to brag about) and having new furniture... all while you are in arrears to your ex... SAYS IT ALL!!!!

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imamommy

don't worry.. I'm not offended you are glad I'm not your ex. I'm relieved.

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ashley1979

Good for you!

Some people would've let themselves sink into their depression and not think of their family. But you realized what what was happening and you pulled yourself together to fix the wreckage you caused.

Good for you!

And good for you for at least starting the re-connection process with your daughter. My BF knows he did wrong by his son, but he feels it is a lost cause and won't even try to re-connect. Even when he does try to call, he gets all disappointed when he isn't met with enthusiasm. So, to me, it's really wonderful that you took the risk of being rejected by your daughter in order to re-connect with her.

Your story is very commendable.

And I completely understand your need for a guideline. E-mails are impersonal anyway. I really don't see why an e-mail has to be all emotional. It's not like her e-mail was emotional. She was pretty straight-forward with her request and you should be as well. You shouldn't have to cow-tow to her anyway. Your daughter deserves your well thought-out e-mails and emotional conversations. Not the woman that divorced you and took your daughter away. It sounds like you are re-forming a loving relationship with your daughter and that's all that matters.

As far as the money issue goes, in my divorce papers, 1 whole page, typed in bold typeface and all caps, states that under no circumstances is the CP allowed to withold visitation from the NCP due to failure to pay the CS. It states that they are separate isues and if I do I am able to be held in contempt of court. So unless you allowed it to happen, she was not able to take your DD away due to non-payment.

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ashley1979

Ima - aren't you being a little harsh on him? He made some mistakes, suffered the consequences and is now trying to make things right with his daughter. Doesn't that deserve some kind of credit? At least he's trying. At least he didn't just fall off the face of the planet.

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Ashley

The point is that the mother and the daughter deserve confirmation that he is going to do what he is saying he will do. Words are just words, he needs to show it. If the EX wants assurance from him that he is going to follow through, then he should give it to her, not get all offended about the "tone" of the letter. I don't really think the letter she wrote even had a "tone". It just was asking him to be sure that he intends to follow through with his promises because he proved in the past that he couldn't. I don't think it is asking for much, just that she is protecting her daughter from any further pain caused by OP.

I'm sure it was hard on the daughter to have her Dad drop out of her life for an extended period of time. I don't blame her mother for wanting to protect her. OP should give her all the assurance she needs and then some. He should acknowledge to the EX all of the things he did in the past that makes it hard for her to trust him with the Daughter.

I agree with ima and lovehadley that he needs to write a letter himself that comes from the heart. Don't you all think that the EX is going to recognize right away that this is a form letter? Based on the posts, OP does not write as fluently as the letter is put together. She will see right through it.

I also agree with ima that the priority should have been paying child support and communicating with the child and spending time with her. It should not have been new furniture and a new car.

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imamommy

ashley, I think it's wonderful that he wants to be in his child's life and commendable that he now wants to do the right thing. I think it's preposterous that he has the nerve to be upset about the 'tone' his ex used with him instead of groveling at her feet, begging for forgiveness and then he comes back with the list of 'accomplishments' he's made during his absence from his child's life... all having to do with making HIS life better... better job for him, more money for him, new car for him, nicely furnished apartment for him. Well, I'm very happy for him but I feel very sorry for his child and his ex, who has had to go it alone the last couple of years because he was too self involved in his own issues and pain.

I'm sorry, but the tone of HIS posts don't show that he has learned much or changed as much as he'd like to convince his ex. I hope things work out for him, I really do. I'd hope he doesn't get frustrated and run away from his responsibility again. But, I cannot ignore the obvious flaws and if he can't see them, he cant fix them. I am only pointing out what I see... as a third party that only knows what HE has stated here.

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eldorado_hills

I don't think some of the posters complaining me read my story correctly, they are twisting to support their arguments.

I said I was behind, at that time I did not anything. When I did make big money, I paid of the arrears. Upon paying it off, I establish my base with all the things I mentioned. If you did not ready properly, it is your ignorance.

I am still proud of myself for the come back on the business front, I am working on the personal front. Business front lot easier because no feelings attached to it. Person front involve lots of sacrifice, giving, understanding.

I am getting help from most of the readers who post their suggestion. Some posters, who got screwed badly showing their distress on me. I am not going to let that bother me. That is pure vengeance, hatred towards the men. You expect every one to be Jesus Christ with everything picture perfect. Dream on.

I am willing to hear others point of view, I am open minded bring issues such as one I brought to this message board.

After reading some screwed up -ex post, now I don't really see my -ex's email has any "tone" in it. My -ex is far superior and friendly compare to few -ex's here. My -ex is 10,000% nice to me compare to, if I had any these -ex as my -ex. God did save on this one.

You have to see the world, to appreciate the person you hurt most. I will have better time communicating with my -ex and be a great father for my Daughter.

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lovehadley

"When I did make big money, I paid of the arrears. Upon paying it off, I establish my base with all the things I mentioned. If you did not ready properly, it is your ignorance."

You claim that you have paid off the back child support you owe.

Yet your ex-wife says this:

"1. To work through Child support organization and send the payments through CSS so that you can get credit for all your payments directly from the Government. By doing this you will have a clean record with DCSS as you continue to pay all the arrears"

Maybe I am *ignorant* but that, to me, sounds like you have NOT paid everything back.

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Ashley

From your original Post & EX's letter: "By doing this you will have a clean record with DCSS as you continue to pay all the arrears and hence you will not have to accuse me (like you did in your email) of not reporting the amount you send"

This indicates that you are still in arrears and have not paid support up to date.

From your Tuesday Post:
"During Nov 1st week I wrote an email to ex in reference to catching up spousal support arrears"

Perhaps you did not communicate properly and it is your ignorance, not the reader's. If you are all paid up, then say so, but if not, then you should concentrate on that, not on new cars and furniture. I can see how putting a roof over your head would take priority, but after that, your focus really should be on paying what you owe your EX. Do you disagree?

By the way, I'm a stepkid on this board. That is why I am here. I don't have a messed up Ex-hubby situation, so don't read more into it than is there. I'm simply stating what would be the right thing to do. From your daughter's eyes, the best thing for you to do is keep your promises, pay support as promised and be a part of her life. If that is your intention, then all you need to do is communicate that to you daughter and to her mother and to assure them that you intend to now do what you weren't doing before.

I'm sorry if it is hard to hear what your own faults are, but if you do better in the future there will be less of that down the road. You owe it to your daughter to let her vent about her hurt for not having you there for the last few years. You owe it to her mother to assure her you won't do it again.

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eldorado_hills

Ashley, Thanks. Times like this, a supportive person such as yourself, can make lots of difference to people such me, encouragements boost the self esteem. We will be never be perfect, because perspective changes from person to person, time is a crucial factor too. If we entire world, is Jesus Christ is perfect, there will be atleast one person who will say, he is not a perfect man.

There few posters are narrow minded and scrutinize the post, dissecting sentence/words/letter and find inconsistency to point out they are super smart.

My story is not movie, where screen play and writing is in sequence. I am not concentrating on choreography.

I am bring my problem, my issues, they have nothing to bring other than irritating others, nothing to offer other than saying It "Says so", that "Says so".

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lovehadley

Raek, looks like we caught on to the same thing.

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imamommy

"I am still proud of myself for the come back on the business front, I am working on the personal front. Business front lot easier because no feelings attached to it."

This is my point. The 'form letter' is more business than personal... not a lot of feelings attached to it.

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Ashley

Great minds think alike.

The only information we have is that provided by OP on the subject. It seems to me that he can't determine whether his is all paid up or if he still has arrears to pay. It's hard enough to figure out what he is saying, then add the inconsistencies an it's a jumbled mess.

I think he only came here to get his ego stroked and when he finds people who agree with his EX because of behavior he admits to, then he can't take it. He thought we should all be impressed that he has a new car and furniture and then when he was called out about caring more about material things then taking care of his kid, he got all defensive and changed his story. It's absurd.

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eldorado_hills

>>

There is no case with DCSS. I suggested back 2006 to work with directly. I did work with her paid the child/part of spousal arrears between 2006-2007. Some of the portion was not included, I took her to court, settled that in 2007. I sent her email to catch up part of the arrears in Nov. That has taken care.

She has suggested two options, one is directly make payments to her, second, go through the DCSS. Where does it in the email there is a pending arrears? What she says, if I pay her directly, it does not get registered in DCSS, she has to call or I have to call to update the records, if either one forgot to update, according to DCSS, it is not paid. Then I will not have a clean record. That is what she says in that email.

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eldorado_hills

It does not help me anyway to impress you. That was not my objective when I came here. I sincerely wanted to hear others view. Only two person I care to convince is my -ex/daughter. Because they deserve it.

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Ashley

In the letter... "as you continue to pay all the arrears"

Continuing to pay arrears suggests that there are arrears. Are you saying you are paid up on child support, but that you are not caught up on spousal support?

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eldorado_hills

If it is so, I am willingly to work with you outside of the court. There are two options to work this smoothly.

1. To work through Child support organization and send the payments through CSS so that you can get credit for all your payments directly from the Government. By doing this you will have a clean record with DCSS as you continue to pay all the arrears and hence you will not have to accuse me (like you did in your email) of not reporting the amount you send. I really think it is the best option. The legal proceedings and the case may be closed, but we can use DCSS for ongoing support establishment.
2. If you have any hesitation in working through DCSS, you can wire transfer the money to my account in the bank.
3. If you have any better idea, I can definitely consider and evaluate it.

She gave three options, explaining it clearly, where does any one of the options that I owe any child/spousal support.

I clearly indicated in post, I approached her to catch up on the spousal support back in Nov.

I dont know why would people cut and paste what is best to fit their agenda.

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Ashley

What the heck are you talking about? The key words are "continue to pay arrears" Are you saying this does not suggest that there are arrears? Otherwise she would have said "as you continue to pay all the child support and spousal support as it is due". Don't you see the difference?

As you indicated in the post, you approached her to catch up on the spousal support back in November. Because you APPROACHED her about it, does not indicate that you have actually PAID it.

"It does not help me anyway to impress you. That was not my objective when I came here. I sincerely wanted to hear others view. Only two person I care to convince is my -ex/daughter. Because they deserve it."

Well, convince them then, but don't get all offended when people offer their opinion on the situation. You call the posters who don't agree with you ignorant because we can't decipher what it is you are trying to convey. I can't help but think that you behaved as childishly when your EX told you things you did not want to hear.

I understand that you don't care to impress the posters on this board and that should not be your goal. Your goal should be, as you stated to convince your ex and your daughter that you will be there from now on. That you will be the best dad you can possibly be and you will take on as much responsibility as it takes. More than that, your goal should then be to not disappoint them after they are convinced.

Getting all bent out of shape because of the letter your ex sent is not going to convince her that you intend to learn from your mistakes and move on from there. If you refuse to even hear about how your behavior has effected your ex, and more importantly, your daughter, then I have a hard time believing that you are really prepared to do what it takes to step up for them. I hope for your daughter's sake that I am wrong. But you really can't learn from the past until you actually face it head on.

I think I have offered some good advice as have some of the other posters on the board, but it seems to me you are only interested in arguing with those who don't agree with you 100% and by stroking those who are stroking you.

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eldorado_hills

raek: When I approached her in Nov, she has not responded until the day I posted her. I have taken care of it. That is all I know, I know my records are clean with DCSS. We had a same issue in the past 2007, I took her to court it, settled it. I know what I paid, or not. When I paid, I say I paid it, when I approached her, I said I approached her.

I do not have ego. When people simply picking words here and there for argument sake is not helping me. That is what I said consistently.

I rest it here.

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Ashley

I was not picking words. I was reading what you wrote. I'm sorry if I was unable to figure out what you were trying to say. I understand NOW that you paid it. I just think it is silly for you to be calling names and putting posters down because they do not understand you and they don't know all of the facts. We can only know what you posted. From what you posted, we could not know that you did pay. We only knew that at some point you were in arrears.

You should understand that nobody was picking words for argument's sake. They were reading the words you wrote and interpreting them the only way that was reasonable. I'm sorry if you were misunderstood, but you chose to call people ignorant when they could not understand what you were saying rather than just laying out the fact that you actually did pay. It's combative, as is your position with the letter your EX wrote to you. I'm suggesting you try to be a little more constructive and less combative in the future with you EX in order to improve your relationship with her as well as with your Daughter.

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disengaging

eldorado,

No need to justify yourself here, or my sample letter letter either.

The sample letter I suggested was a business letter, because that's exactly what your X was proposing -- a business arrangement.

That was not a letter intended for your daughter, who is the only one with whom you still have a personal relationship with.

Your personal relationship with your X is over. I didn't see anything in her original e-mail that in any way indicated that she is looking to re-establish any form of friendship or personal relationship with YOU.

Her issues addressed your financial obligations and support she will require to enable her to bring your daughter back to the US, which is probably in the best interests of all, not just you, but her and your daughter as well. ( and by using the word "your", I am including her as well.)

Aside from financial, the concerns she raised from the past involved the welfare of your daughter, along with the establishing that she does not desire any intrusions upon her personal life. She discussed the arrangements in a professional manner, enumerating points, and using formal business wording such as, "Please let me know if my understanding is accurate." She set the tone and gave every indication she wished to keep the relationship on an "arms length" basis--and that's as business as it gets.

I did not recommend you "trick" her by pretending you wanted her back, or that you would give her more than you are already legally obligated for, or do anything other than you already intended to do anyway.

I suggested a business letter because that's what she wrote, and that's exactly what she was asking for in return. To establish the terms of the business arrangement she was proposing, in the hope of avoiding future misunderstanding, and gain some assurance.

I recommended apologizing as a professional courtesy, which hopefully she will not only accept, but reciprocate, to clear the air, gain closure and put the past behind. To give both of you the ability to set forth on this venture on the right foot, for the sake of your daughter.

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eldorado_hills

disengaging : I did like your presentation. I wish I can present my case just like that. There are times words won't come under lots stress. People such as yourself open up a door, I see it as wow, that is polite way to put it in... Great that tells me what I try to say it... In that aspect I do appreciate your letter. I really I have friends such as yourself, where I can discuss something of this nature, get a unbiased opinion.

I was little bit frustrated with other posters, It is possible I was under stress, I am the one going through the good and bad, these people are not going through I am going through, at the same time trying to trap me, and make me look bad than worse. I understood my fall and my raise.

I am trying to get a second opinion, because I do not want to run into the same path which was devastating path which caused me lose the person who loved me so much when we were together, now she is on the other side, it is gone. I am trying to recoup the loss and trying to get my head straight. When a baby trying to walk it falls few times, we try to help them out, rather finding faults that the baby should have held to the chair, if the baby did not, who to blame. That kind of talk is not help at least me.

There were times, I try to type fast, lots of typos, irregular sentence formation. I am not a writer to impress everybody here at the same I have to present my case here so that some one is humble who could point out misbehavior and suggest possible solution.

That is all I need from people such as you and others. I never thought I would come to a message board to discuss my issues. When things were rocking and rolling, never thought about there is a message board of this sort. Time and place, my action brought me here. I am still proud myself for seeking help, instead become alcoholic or drug addict or living a low life for ever and never get a break.

We open up the opportunity, we shut the door. It is always we. What meant is that individual.

Thanks for reading, I am not here to pi.ss people off, I learnt a lot from this message board. I would say I added more knowledge coming to this board. I will continue search for help if and when I needed it.

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