I dont hear that she is jealous, I hear her worried about money. Unless you have kids, you have no idea how epensive kids are, and many single moms struggle.

suggestions.

1. This is BF problem, not yours.

2. Tell BF to buy the kids drums (just kidding).

3. Suggest to BF, he concentrate on things that dont cost money. Like maybe the library, helping kids with homework.

I hear both jealousy and money worries, and believe the two can be an ugly circle.

OP can't limit what they do on the weekend to "free" activities just because it makes mom mad that they get to do them. Kids can go anywhere and find something they want. We went on a nature walk with my son and he complained for weeks that he wanted a pet duck!
What happens when they see a toy on a commercial with dad and then go back to mom saying they want it? Is dad at fault for that?

What you do want to caution against is the "Disneyland Dad" syndrome. After a while you will be knocking yourself out (and breaking your wallet) looking for bigger and better things to do because the kids will expect more and be harder to please. Pretty soon you have unappreciative, spoiled kids that are only made happy by things that can be purchased. Teaching kids that fun can be had without blowing a paycheck or coming home from a store with a bag is very neccessary, IMO.

In itself, I think taking kids to play with instruments is great fun and opens new doors for them. I understand how they would of course then want some. I can also see how mom may be thinking dad went there with an intent to purchase some as a Christmas gift and is worried how she can compete with a gift like that. Not the right way to see it by any means, but I have a bio-mom in my life who isn't pleased by the experiences we provide my SD but rather is jealous that we do it instead of her so I know how that thinking works.

I think as long as you can look back at your weekends with the kids and say you did something worthwhile that they learned or experienced from, free or not, they were successful. As far as the ex, the only thing you can really do is consider the source, make sure what she is saying isn't true, and then blow it off. Much easier said than done, but if you forsee a future with this guy you need to learn how to do this now as it will only get worse.

Best of luck.

Well, is he planning on buying them drums? If not, why did he take them to the store and tempt them?

BTW, I am fine with my exH buying the kids expensive gifts, as long as he doesn't get one a car and another nothing at all for a birthday gift.

Maybe just a trip to the music store to pick up some sheet music for his french horn and the drums were on display? It seems these days you can't go anywhere without kids finding something they want, so the leading them into temptation theory may be hard to prove.

"we have a great time with them" does sound like it could be a disneyland dad (not necessarily, but could).

"This past weekend visit we took the kids to some music stores". Not go on errand but took kids to visit some, not one, but some, music stores. If Dad has the children only every other weekend and he wanted to do pick up sheet music for himself, he had plenty of time, but I would like to hear from OP.

I dont think this is a "prove" issue, no one is claiming child abuse, but if OP is annoyed (Exwife driving us Crazy), then she should look at her and BFs actions.

How old are the kids? Does Dad do things like homework and library? Or just the fun things?

Okay, it is ridiculous to say that you can't take kids and do something like go to the music stores and look at musical instruments because it is "tempting" the kids. No matter what you do the kids are going to want things. That's life. The reality is that both BF and BM need to help kids realize that they can't have everything they see and that just because you go have fun doing something doesn't mean you NEED to have one of your own. You can't stop exposing your kids to music or other positive things just because BM doesn't like it or you can't afford to get them their own today! It is great to peak their interest in something like music, yes... even drums... When they get into whatever grade offers band in school (here it is 5th or 6th grade) drums happens to be something that can be rented from the school very cheap. So, if this is a goal of this child, maybe the child needs to just be told that it is great they want to play the drums, but they need to wait a couple of years until they are old enough to be in band. Besides, kids' interests change so fast, it isn't really responsible to just run out and buy something that expensive as soon as they say "I want it!"

I mean, come on! So me or my ex shouldn't take the kids to a play because then they will want to be actors or we shouldn't go ice-skating because then they will want to have skating lessons that we can't afford??!! Let's be real here... you can't just stop doing things because BM doesn't like it or is jealous. Kids have big imaginations and "want" a lot of things. It doesn't hurt to say... well, your mom and I can't afford to get you drums right now but we can still go play drums at the music store every now and then and maybe when you are older you could play drums at school.

I guess you need to look at BF's motivation for what he does. Does BF have an interest in music and was just trying to spend time with child doing something they would both enjoy or was his motivation to make BM jealous? I personally wouldn't even think that just because I took one of my kids to "look" at something that it meant we we had to BUY it (ever heard of the concept of "window shopping")! Sometimes it is just to get ideas or to plan for the future or just plain have fun!

Catlover, this is an issue that BF need to bring up with BM and let her know that he is just spending time and enjoying his kids, and it doesn't have to be a competition!

Winom, I think the problem is when the Dad has kids EOW, takes them to "some music stores" - ie, not a concert, not a play, and then kids come home to mom, who probably has less money, and whine all week. Then GF gets upset when mom calls dad. Well too bad. If GF doesnt want these calls he should spend a little more thought with what he is going to do. And maybe he should buy the drums. Or is he one that says, Heah, I pay CS, it should come outof that.

If Dad wants kids to learn an instruements, he should look into lessons. Going to music stores? This is absurd.

Cat Lover, can you post two scripts for me to make suggestions with? It is likely we can recommend responses that does not encourage the conversation to continue.

I think doing fun stuff with the bf and kids are great. It is a good way to build positive experiences.

Let's see if we can figure out how to change the tone of those phone calls from the XW.

Next visit ... take them to the Mercedes dealership... the following visit take them to a travel agent.... give her a reason to b^*(.

Then when she calls have hubby tell her to be realistic... While window shopping he can explain to his children that they cannot have everything they want but it is nice to dream....

Feelings are feelings. They are real. But in a lot of cases, the person that's having these feelings is the one that needs to deal with them. Trying to accomodate the kind of feelings that the BM has is a supreme energy zapper. These are her very own insecurities and or jealousies that are veiled by attempts to turn the BF's time (and yours but it's really his issue to deal with) with the kids into something that it's not. Words like "provoke" makes it seem like you guys are sitting around scheming up ways to make the BM look like the bad guy when she has to respond to the kids' requests for "expensive gifts". Does anyone else see the hilarity of this? I am by far not trying to demean BM's feelings, but it screams of other issues altogether -- jealousy, insecurities, anger over divorce, having a new woman in her children's lives....WHO KNOWS. Which is exactly why you shouldn't let yourself getted bogged down with trying to accomodate or answer to or explain these kinds of feelings from the BM. It's like a nun scolding you and telling you to write an essay on "Why I Shouldn't Do Anything With The Kids That Will Provoke Them Into Wanting Expensive Gifts." Here's a scenario -- "Hey Mom, guess where Dad took us this weekend. Fishing at this creek that is behind his house. I want a house with a creek in the back."

I think fishing at a creek is a great activity. And I think most kids would understand mom isnt going to move. I think that unless some one can explain to me why the BF took the kids to "some" music stores, who knows. Unless there are other activities that result in these calls, I cant opine. In the meantime, this type of activity will result in phone calls, and likely escallated demands for Cs.

I read nothing about the BF's time with his children being regulated or limited to certain activities. Why should he have to explain why he took his children to "some" music stores. If the BM is accusing BF of tempting/provoking the kids into wanting expensive gifts, then she can tell him that he needs to deal with it.

kkny wrote:
"3. Suggest to BF, he concentrate on things that dont cost money. Like maybe the library, helping kids with homework."

Well, I think that's unrealistic and unfair IMO because I see this issue from the children's perspective as seeing tangible things. It doesn't matter whether BF takes them to the library or the music store...if they see something that looks cool to them they are going to want it. They are going to ask for it...it could be free or it could cost money.

What about a shopping mall, are you saying that there should never be any outings at a shopping mall...let's say so that the BF can have their pictures taken with the Easter Bunny? Should the BF ever be allowed to take them to a movie simply because tickets, popcorn and drinks are outrageously priced?

And if he does activities like this, does that mean that he should be paying more in child support?

I'm just perplexed...because what my exH does with our son is his business and as long as the CS payments are being made according to the order and any changes (i.e. increase in salary/monies means increase in CS payments) then I'm golden.

As far as the non-fun stuff like homework that you mentioned, I know what I'm responsible for and if I have a reason to believe that something has fallen through the cracks due to exH's lack of attention to it...then I will call him up and see what the deal is.

But I haven't had to do that to my exH because in addition to taking our son to the "Music Factory" so that they could play on all the instruments for free, he also does a great job with him on his homework.

Both me and my exH are financially single (no support from a significant other, etc.) and both of us struggle with how much it takes to raise a child, and as a result we have both had to tell our son, in short, "No, you can't have that."

Just my sincerest opinions......

OP here, thank you so much for all the responses, it has helped TREMENDOUSLY for me to read ideas and suggestions.

I am taking guitar lessons and one of the kids has an electric guitar (son from another ex), so I needed to pick mine up at the store (had it restrung). I love music, all kinds, and the theatre and dance and grew up around it, so when the kids heard I was going they asked to go also. They see me doing and playing all kinds of instruments and all kinds of hobbies and they are amazed by it, their mom is a very quiet and reserved person. When the one boy asked for the drums my BF suggested they save their allowance and maybe even take lessons at school. The son pulled his cell ph out (he's 8, his mom bought it for him) and text messaged his mom all afternoon asking for the drums, then told us his MOM was going to buy them.

My BF is on a tight budget, he pays a lot in child support, and he wants to teach the kids how to save and work for things. At the same time he also wants to open doors for the kids and show them new ideas and be creative and explore every hobby possible.

I suggested to his son maybe to save up and buy the sticks, a lot of drummers start out that way-using pots and pans and anything they can to start a beat!

Bottom line, my problem seems to be every time we open up doors and share new and exciting things with the kids, we start getting calls from the ex. I almost think she would be happier if they came over and sat in front of the tv and didn't have fun exploring life.

Thanks again, I appreciate the guidance, I am new at this.

"Bottom line, my problem seems to be every time we open up doors and share new and exciting things with the kids, we start getting calls from the ex. I almost think she would be happier if they came over and sat in front of the tv and didn't have fun exploring life. "

Could be -- Then the kids wouldn't bother her by saying how much fun they had with Dad.

Sounds to me like she's accusing him of 'Disneylanding' just because they had fun. I'd consider if there's any truth to it -- then act accordingly. Realize that if BF IS 'Disneylanding' then he's not really doing them any favors. And if he's not, then there's no harm, no need to be sensitive about the subject.

Willow, you think it is unrealistic to take kids to the library? Because they will want things? Like what a library card?

Actually, I wouldn't take my kids to a music store and have them try out the drums if I had no intention of buying them, just as I wouldn't sign them up for a free sample skating lesson if I had no intention of signing them up for lessons. I don't test drive Mercedes or try on clothes at Neiman Marcus. It would be a waste of my time and that of the salespeople.

"explore every hobby possible."

This is incompatible with living on a strict budget. My kids did/do not try out downhill skiing or other incredibly expensive hobbies.

What I am hearing may be more about control and feelings of inferiority. First, what dad does on his time is none of mom's business, and vice versa. Why is everyone so afraid to "look" like the bad guy or treat it like it's a competition?

So, dad took him to play with a drum set. He went back and asked mom for a drum set. If mom can't afford it, then say no. I don't see that dad is doing it to be malicious. We had a joint birthday party for my SD last year and she walked up to her mom (who was standing next to me) and asked for quarters to play arcade games. Mom whispered in her ear and SD walked over to my DH and asked for quarters. Obviously mom sent her to dad. Dad said no, we were there for a bowling party and she wasn't leaving her guests to play arcade games. Giving in to kids or keeping in competition only encourages kids to manipulate the adults to get what they want. In the end, you have spoiled brats that can't take no for an answer and don't have boundaries.

I would look at it for what it was. Maybe dad was looking for a way to interact with his son, exploring interests. It doesn't mean ANYONE has to buy a drum set or feel bad that they can't afford it. I would have a different opinion if she said dad took him to the store and told his son "ask your mom to buy it for you" or worse, add on "with the child support I send" Then that is vindictive.

My DH's ex looks for ANY reason to put in her two cents on our life. There may be jealousy (that he's moved on & she hasn't) or even because his finances are better. The reasons don't matter, the best way to handle it is to avoid conflict. Personally, I don't like her because of some of the things she's done (and doing) to my SD, but when I have to see her, we are pleasant as we can be. When she has a complaint, we acknowledge her concern and offer solutions instead of a reaction. We took a cooperative parenting class and a parenting class for step-families and it's helped tremendously. It takes a lot of patience. If you aren't a parent, it can be even harder to be a step parent. and he's a BF, so think about it before he becomes a DH.

Also, if she's doing the calls every time her child comes back, it's probably hard for her to hear how much fun he's having. I know it sounds pathetic but sometimes moms feel insecure about their child having more fun or loving someone else more than them. I have three bio kids (grown now) and one had a step mom. It can be hard when someone else is doing what you feel you should be doing because you are the mom. but when you have two homes, you can't be there all the time and allowing conflict is only going to hurt the children. (and your life won't be peaceful either)

wait - back up. There are always going to be things to do that don't result in ownership. Do you stay away from movies because a child might want to go to every movie that comes out, or do you say this was a special occasion and we need to appreciate the experience without thinking we should have it all the time? You can't stay away from the grocery store because you have no intention of buying candy. Kids need to experience things without the expectation they can have them all. If you limit your kid's experiences to anything you can "afford" to do and therefore do them all they will believe they can have/do anything they want. I think it is a valuable lesson for kids to see that they can't have everything out there.

I played the drums in my 5th grade band, for free. There are scholarships available for camps/classes, etc. There is no reason to equate trying the drums with buying them.

I agree with several posters here - this is more about mom's insecurities. I know for years my SD's mom told her not to talk about what she did during the past 2 weeks when she went to mom's EOW. She would honestly rather not hear about her daughter's life than hear she's enjoying it without mom there every day.

"It can be hard when someone else is doing what you feel you should be doing because you are the mom. but when you have two homes, you can't be there all the time and allowing conflict is only going to hurt the children."
Imamommy - I completely respect this way of thinking.

"I played the drums in my 5th grade band, for free. There are scholarships available for camps/classes, etc. There is no reason to equate trying the drums with buying them. "

And I think if Dad cares, he should be looking into these type of things, not taking kids into a music store, because its there. Sounds to me that Dad should be putting a little more effort into planning things.

" I know for years my SD's mom told her not to talk about what she did during the past 2 weeks when she went to mom's EOW. She would honestly rather not hear about her daughter's life than hear she's enjoying it without mom there every day.

I thought we were the only people this happened to. The mother of my husband's children forbids them to discuss what they did at our house. They are not allowed to have any pictures of us at their mother's house, they arent allowed to take anything that we have purchased for them home to her house, and she wont let them bring anything she purchases here to our house. Our names are not allowed to be mentioned in their house in any way.

When we asked her why she has these rules, she says that she expects the children to have two totally separate homes, and she doesnt want to hear about the fun things they do with us, because she wants them to focus on the fun they have with her.

IT works for the younger child, but the older one is angry at being denied the right to talk about both parents.

"When we asked her why she has these rules, she says that she expects the children to have two totally separate homes, and she doesnt want to hear about the fun things they do with us, because she wants them to focus on the fun they have with her.

IT works for the younger child, but the older one is angry at being denied the right to talk about both parents."

Trust me when I say that the younger child will resent it as he/she gets older. ANY PARENT THAT TRIES TO ALIENATE THE AFFECTION OF THE OTHER PARENT WILL BE THE PARENT THAT THE CHILD GROWS TO RESENT. When kids are young, they go along with it because it's natural for them to want to please their parents. When one parent is doing that to them, they will go along with it against the other parent. But as they get older and (especially if their relationship with the alienated parent has deteriorated) they will blame the offending parent for causing it.

My SD's mom tells her that I am not her mother, she is. I have never tried to be or even act like her mom, I know she has a mom and I tell her all the time that her mom loves her very much. I also tell her that no matter how her mom feels toward me, we share the same goal of raising her to be a happy and healthy grown up. SD lives with me & DH because her mom gave us custody (after a long court battle) because she met a new guy and moved away.

I am the one taking her to counseling because she's been torn apart by her mom leaving. (they had 50/50 before). I am the one helping her with her school work, girl scouts, etc. My only goal for her is to help her enjoy her youth as much as I can. She has her mom up on a pedestal and most step children do, no matter what their bio parent does. It's not my place to interfere with THAT. She is allowed to feel how she wants about her mom.

I know that someday, I run the risk of her not having any appreciation for the things I do today for her. I also run the risk of her growing up and realizing that I did more for her than her mom, who chose a man over her children. (She left her older daughter with Grandma) Regardless of how my SD feels in years to come, I married my DH knowing he had a child and I do this because I love him and I am a mom (to my own kids) and to see a child in pain causes me pain.

Being a step parent is harder than being a parent. Most of the time, you do a ton of work and get no appreciation. I raised my ex's children (not mine) for seven years and when things didn't work out, they never talked to me again. "being a step parent is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get" so don't do it for a reward or to win... because there is no winning.

Oh no Kathline, you aren't alone. Watch out all - this is one of my biggest issues and I can feel myself crawling up onto my SM soapbox.

I have such a problem with parents expecting their children to live 2 different lives just because they opted to. How can *you* (I speak to the insecure bio-parent here) profess to love your child unconditionally when you require them to follow your condition of leaving half their life at their other house? Your child's life still includes two parents, and what happens with both of those households is part of their life. Should they not be able to live their life fully without worrying about what they can say to whom and when? How dare parents put these kind of requirements on their children to pacify their personal issues or agendas?

What if your child went camping for a weekend with a friend? Would *you* not want to hear about that trip because it didn't happen with *you*? How is that any different than your child camping for a weekend with their other parent, other than it makes you feel insecure and threatened that your child had such a great time with a person you can't stand? A person you quite possibly see as competition for your child's affections?

One of my proudest moments is when my SD turned her mother's issue against her. As I said before, after biomom lost custody she would not allow SD to talk about her life here because (and I quote) "It makes mommy feel like you don't love me because you love being with dad and 'Martha'." SD had been trying to tell her mom what we had been consoling her with for a while; that a person could love many people and that loving one didn't mean they didn't love another. Mom continued to behave the same way . . . until she got the first of many boyfriends and tried to make them all a happy family within the 2nd month of dating. When SD felt threatened by the sudden inclusion of mom's new BF mom told her that a person could love many people and by loving BF it didn't mean that she didn't love SD. At 6 years SD threw that back in mom's face and called foul on her logic. Mom ended up marrying the 3rd or 4th BF and had another child, and this came up again. Mom tried the same speech, and SD really called her on it. The rules about discussing her life here have loosened quite a bit since mom got pregnant! :-)

A kid's life is a kid's life. They have the right to talk to who they want about it without fear. As parents our job is to set aside our fears, insecurities and angers for the sake of our kids. If we aren't selfless enough to do that, we shouldn't be parents.

Off my soapbox now.

I think there are lots of different types of SM arrangements, and to compare EOW arrangement with ones where SM has more responsibilities is a disservice. I think the EOW dad is much more likely to be a Disneyland dad and Sweebys advice to either ignore the comments or consider the situation is good advice. I have to ask, OP, do you have any catlover, do you have any children of your own? Or just the children from BFs Xs (apparently at least two)?

I never cared what my daughter does or did when she was younger while at her dad's house. In fact she had way more fun there because he could afford more and then i was single and not in any relationship most of the time while he was married. Plus he always made way more money than me. So it iwas obvious they did things more fun than I did with my daughter. Like boating, travelling-including international travels, expensive outings, he etc.

So what? She had more fun with dad's family most of the time than she had with me, but then i was the one who took her of her when she was sick, took care of school business, argued with her over her gardes, stayed up when she would come home late, cooked meals etc.

I never cared what she did with her dad, in fact i was glad they did all that fun stuff because it gave her oportunities i could not give her. And if she asked to buy something she saw with her dad, oh well: can't afford or ask your dad.

Now when she is grown she in fact is way more emotionally close to me than to her dad, and me and her did very little for fun, while his dad's interactions her was all about fun.

Not everything in life is about fun and hobbies. It is possible you BF's ex feels that she is the one who takes care of important life stuff like homework and daily routine while dad just takes care of fun part. It never bothered me but i see how it can bother some other women.

Biological mothers can't win. If they ask about what the child did while at the father's house, they are accused of being nosy. I have read many articles/advice columns that advocate keeping the two lives completely separate, and that you should tell your child not to tell you about what went on at the other parent's house, unless it was dangerous of course. Don't bother saying that you should wait until they volunteer info - I would have no idea what my kids did at school, or on that hypothetical camping trip, if I didn't ask, especially once they became teenagers. If I didn't ask them how the camping trip or school was, they would give me a hard time about it, but most teenagers won't come home and tell you all about their day.

Fine, I agree with you. I am the one with the responsibility, and dad does have a lot of money. I have had to beat it into his head though, he can not spend my money. He can not tell DD she can have X or Y unless he will pay for it.

"Biological mothers can't win. If they ask about what the child did while at the father's house, they are accused of being nosy. I have read many articles/advice columns that advocate keeping the two lives completely separate, and that you should tell your child not to tell you about what went on at the other parent's house, unless it was dangerous of course. Don't bother saying that you should wait until they volunteer info - I would have no idea what my kids did at school, or on that hypothetical camping trip, if I didn't ask, especially once they became teenagers. If I didn't ask them how the camping trip or school was, they would give me a hard time about it, but most teenagers won't come home and tell you all about their day."

I have three bio kids (teens & grown) and one SD that's 8. The problem isn't when you ask your bio child how their weekend was or what did you do or did you have fun? It's when it becomes an inquest for info that you can use against the other parent. Those are general questions and anything more is digging. If a child wants to tell you details, let them offer it but in doing so, realize that YOU have NO say in it. One parent has ABSOLUTELY no control over what the other parent does at their house. You may not like it or it may not be something you would do (or allow) but it's NOT your choice. The only way the other parent could call you "nosy" is if you pick up the phone and tell them what your child said to you. Otherwise, how would they even know what your child told you?

I asked my kids, how was your day at school or how did you do on your test? and they would offer what they wanted. However, I didn't say "what did your teacher say in class?" "who sat next to you at lunch?" "what did you play at recess?" etc.

When you dig for information, the kids know what you are doing and it makes them uncomfortable. Especially if they know you are going to call the other parent and they feel like they are getting their other parent in trouble.

Keeping the two lives separate doesn't mean they are banned from talking about their time with their other parent. to tell a child to only tell you about "dangerous" things is ridiculous because you are asking a child to determine what is "dangerous". and your definition may be different than the other parent. If you want your child to be happy and feel comfortable talking to you about anything, let them say what they want and don't pry. When you hear something that concerns you, instead of picking up the phone (or writing them), relax and realize that the other parent loves their child and isn't going to hurt their child any more than you would. If you think that the other parent is out to hurt your child, that's a different story but it should be based on facts, not just because you don't like them. After all, at one time, you saw enough good in them to make a child with them.

My SD lives with us full time now and her mom leads a very different lifestyle than we do. We don't agree with it but the reality is that we have no control over it. She lets her stay up all night playing video games, eat ice cream for breakfast, goes days without bathing or brushing her teeth, goes outside without a coat when it's cold (she comes back sick) and on and on. She has even slept with (and we think she had sex) with her boyfriend in the same room as both her daughters and the court did not think THAT was enough to change custody from 50/50 to us. Of course, three weeks after the trial, she met a new guy and moved away, signing over custody to us. She's a flaky person... but my point is no matter what you think of the other parent, you can't control what they do.

The authors of the articles/advice columnists are the ones who are claiming that asking your child any questions about what they did while at the other parents was nosy and inappropriate - I didn't mean the other parent thought it was nosy.

If I just asked my kids how school was, they would say, "fine." It is not prying to ask more specific questions than that.

Guaranteed, no matter how many or how few inquiries I made about my children's visit to their father, some stepmother here or elsewhere would claim it's too much or too little. Kind of like when I took my first baby out in a stroller and within 15 minutes one busybody had told me she was overdressed and another said she was underdressed for the weather - and she was wearing exactly the same thing.

"Guaranteed, no matter how many or how few inquiries I made about my children's visit to their father, some stepmother here or elsewhere would claim it's too much or too little"

And you and other posters on this forum find fault in EVERYTHING that is said or done by the SM's that come on this forum for some support from others!

Maybe I am simplistic, or maybe I'm just missing something, but what reason is there for kids to lead 2 separate lives? The only reason I can see is their parents, and forgive me if I think those parents just need to grow up and get over themselves. You don't have to feel good about what your child did with their other parent, THEY need to feel good (assuming of course they are being kept healthy and safe.)

Please, someone explain to me why these children should pay for the sins of their mothers and fathers? Why should they be forced to compartmentalize and separate their life to please and placate their parents feelings?

What justnotmartha said plus a big fat AMEN!

Wonderfully put justnotmartha! My X and I have NEVER asked or expected our children to live separate lives. In fact, we coordinate Christmas/ birthday gifts, coordinate schedules and keep each other informed of issues, etc. going on at either household! With my DH and his X, of course, it is not as easy. On our sides, we still do not encourage secrets or keeping things separate. In fact, we encourage SD to talk about whatever she wants to. Even though it really bothers me sometimes to hear everything she is doing or has done with BM, I smile and say "that's sounds like it was a lot of fun!"

Children are not property and until parents start realizing that and start working at raising happy, well-adjusted children who are "allowed" to be loved by as many people as possible.... then the ones being ultimately hurt by all of this are the children!

Ok, I'm seeing a lot of hostility towards the BF and the GF here. What is the big deal about taking the kids to a music store?? Maybe he didn't have money to take him anywhere else, maybe the son said he wanted to play the drums and he wanted him to try them out before the son made a commitment, who knows? So what you are saying is that if I need to go to the store, I shouldn't take any child at all with me because they may see something they want--(and what child goes to the store and doesn't want something when they get there?) That's just crazy....maybe the dad is planning on getting them for a birthday or Christmas gift and he wanted to see if the kid would enjoy them before making such a large purchase. There are many different reasons why he would have taken him to a music store, but I don't see the reason in anyone getting upset at him for doing this.
As far as the BM calling after every visit the kids have with their dad, that's normal. My DH ex used to call too and
complain all the time. There was no stopping her, it was just what she did, she lives to make my DH life miserable even to this day--and their youngest is now 19 and in college.
Sorry if it seems I was rambling, but the way I see it and not just for this particular person, but either way, the BM, BF, GF, SM, SF, any adult in any situation is going to be blamed for anything that goes wrong in any situation. JMO

OP here-

a lot of different opinions here, that's for sure, many that sound like good advice for me. I wish there was some way, SOME day that the kid's mother will open up to us communicating more. I have tried to reach out a few times but she is not interested in having anything to do with me:( I can tell the kids are aware of her comments about me and my boyfriend, and they DO hear her cussing at my boyfriend when he pics them up for visits.

btw-since I posted she is claiming the kids are sick, so we didn't get to see them this week:(

best to you all-and thanks again I appreciate the guidance. I have never been a biological parent (just a foster parent) so all this is new to me.

"Sorry if it seems I was rambling, but the way I see it and not just for this particular person, but either way, the BM, BF, GF, SM, SF, any adult in any situation is going to be blamed for anything that goes wrong in any situation. JMO"

I have to agree with you, but I wish I didn't.

thanks mo4 and wimom. It seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Wimom, I admire the relationship you have with your ex. That is truly what we have tried so hard to have with BM for years, and at times it seems like we are gaining ground, but then it's back to square one again for no apparent reason. It's funny you mention secrets, as that is something we have battled for years. BM thinks it's okay to tell SD things she needs to keep secret from us. Our theory is (and this is what we tell SD when she runs to us with these secrets) is that if we don't want her mom or someone else to know something we just don't tell SD. It seems pretty easy. If you don't want the other household to know something, don't involve the child. If it does involve the child you need to accept that it is their life and they have every right to discuss any aspect of their life with anyone they choose. Perhaps parents need to behave in a way that doesn't need to be kept secret? Might solve a lot of the problems we read here?