Technically, I'm not a step-mother yet, but will be shortly. The kids are in their late teens and live out of state. Although we'd like to see more of them, we only see them in person a few times a year. But we talk on the phone and email a lot. They have both been wonderfully accepting of me and look forward to our marriage. I both like and love them.

Oh lord, where to begin...I have a stepson, 18, very nice and just too good to be true. My husband and I have 2 kids, 5 and 6 together. The trouble is MONEY! My husband is so determined to NOT be a deadbeat dad to his first son, he neglects mine! I make a lot of money, so I guess he feels it up to me to pay for ours, while he pays for his, and yes that includes the bills too...I have to pay most of them. Argh! We have not been able to resolve this. I have a special needs son, and money is running out. Well, its not my stepsons fault, its his fathers, but I cannot help but be jealous. Then he never comes unless he is going to strike a pot of gold with my husband so needless to say, I wont give in anymore, my husband has not had much money lately, so I havent seen my stepson anywhere in sight! Typical teen, I know. I had a stepmother, I hated her. But now when I think about it all...she was pretty good to me. She took care of me. I moved in with them (dad and stepmom) when I was 13. I was a challenge. She was pretty good to me though. I never looked to her as a mother. When I was 16, I found out she was having an affair, and kept it secret from my dad. She bought me anything I wanted to keep me quiet, but it didnt take long for me to talk to my dad, otherwise, if that didnt happen, we probably would have become closer. I have 2 half brothers by her, and they are 10 and 17. I have not seen them in 8 years. My father died 8 years ago, and she was very clear that she did not want us in her life. I wonder if they remember us? Well, thats my little story! If I had to do it all over again, I would have held out for "firsts" and not someones "seconds" Ha Ha! After all, people are divorced for a reason!

It is very easy to love children...I have no problem that at all. It is more difficult to love adults who don't want you in their dad's life.

I loved my oldest step-daughter, I knew right away when I saw her picture that we would hit it off. The other two, I couldn't tell by the picture. Turns out they annoy the bejeebers out of me, especially the boy because he's sooooo hard headed. The baby girl (soon 10) is a manipulative princess.

I have 2 girls who love their stepdad and refuse to obey the court order by calling him Dad anyway. He in turn has one daughter who's mom had all parental rights terminated. As a result of her past, she is 8, she is manipulative and difficult to control. She has the legal right to call me Mom though LOL. At this point, I am not sure how I feel about her. There are days I think there should be a book called Loving Your StepChildren For Dummies.

I adore my step-son who just turned 18 and I've known since he was 20 months. I also adore my husband's ex, his mother, plus his younger sister and brother from her second marriage (which sadly ended in divorce.)

Are any of them perfect people? Nope. But then neither am I. I found the best way to deal with this is early on to think or them and treat them as marvellous people and part of my family.

To me it didn't matter if they reciprocated the favour--I would at least feel good that I was trying to do the right thing.

But luckily it paid off in spades. My husband's ex and I still share tea together. Not only my stepson but her other son and daughter also visit us--both togther and separately. I love all her children with the same ache in my heart that I love my own.

Whenever she has done anything that bugged me, I overlooked it and sought out ways to offer the hand of friendship. To her credit, she always did the same.

I'm not saying it was always easy, but it was worth it. It may sound corny and silly, but it is SOOO much better and easier to love people and accept their short comings than to live with anger and resentment in your heart. All it takes is a decision to do so.

That's a very broad question. It is hard to love adult children who don't want their dad married to anyone except their mom. I don't like my steps for the simple reason they don't like me and talk about me behind my back. If they had been 5 or 6 years old I could have learned to love them and it might have ended differently.

Despite all the problems we've had I actually like my step-kids....when they are behaving themselves. During the times where they are being nice, sociable, co-operative human beings I truly enjoy being around them and feel pride that they are finally starting to mature and become adults. I wish they didn't have to make so many horrible mistakes along the way, though! They don't seem to realize that they are making things three times harder for themselves, and that it will take many years...maybe even a lifetime...to recover from some of their missteps. It's such a shame. They are beautiful and vibrant young people with such promise. I hope the hardest years are behind us now.

This is odd, I was just thinking of this earlier. Yes and no. I really like/love my SS, except for a couple of days after he has been at his BM's (comes back with bad attitude and spoiled). SD is another story, I can honestly say I don't really like her. I have tried! She is not a nice person. She is 15 (like that helps). She is so disrespectful of every one. Her BM, her Dad, me and all of the other kids in this house. I know a lot of it is her age. But she is so bad on top of it. I really don't have much to do with her any more. We live in the same house, but we really don't have any sort of relationship. No matter what I ask her to do (household chores, ect.) she screams and argues as long as there is an audience, with 5 kids, that is all the time. I just don't want the other 4 to think that this is acceptable. But what do you do? She does not do it (the screaming) in front of Daddy. But she is so disrespectful to him and he allows it. I figure that is his business, if he doesn't mind, then to heck with it. But I don't have to put up with it, so I tend to ignore her. The only thing I do is give her her lunch money once a week. She wants me to take her shopping for school supplies tonight. I think not. She can call her BM or get Daddy to do it. Everything has gotten so much worse since BM moved back to town this summer. She was gone for almost 3 1/2 yrs, and is now trying to be super mom by allowing SD to walk all over her. BM puts up a show of being upset, but I don't believe it. SD got a tatoo on her ankle (in the backseat of a car while she was at church?!?). BM never said a word and wasn't upset. We found out 1 1/2 weeks after the fact. SD has always said how much she hates her BM but you can't tell now. But look at the life she can lead now, she is in heaven. I find it very painful to watch, but hopefully it is a lesson to me, also. She is on a fast train going nowhere.
Thanks for the vent.
Sue

I love and simply adore my soon to be step daughters. We are going to be married next Summer. They are 7 1/2 and 4 1/2. We have a great relationship, despite the interference from their BM. She does not like the bond I have with the girls. That is something that will not change. It will only get stronger with time. Isn't that how love works?

When I read the posts about DAD having to sneak to see his kids - it brought back some painful memories. My Dad had remarried after our parents divorce and we saw him rarely when he could sneak away. Once he came to a family dinner when his wife was in the hospital with a stroke and spent the whole day. Its a joyous memory. She died a few years back and I am so glad to have a chance now to get to know my Dad as an adult child. It was very hard at the funeral because I kept wanting to burst out singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." However, I knew that would not have been appropriate.

I have four step children and no children of my own. Only one lives with us and he is 17. I've been with my second husband almost three years now and things were great when we first starting going out.

He (ss)seemed to like me very much, which I was very greatful for. Then my husband and I got married about 10 months ago and things with him have gone from better to worse with my ss.

I made the mistake of cooking meals, cleaning up after him and doing all the little extra things. I found that he was ungrateful and came to expect those things but the worse thing he never said thank you.

My husband and I talked and we decided to let him do his own laundry. I got tired of washing his clothes and then see them in the laundry again the next day. He basically gets his own meals and I cook once in a while. The deal was that I would cook as many times as they wanted it as long as he helped clean up, which he didn't. So I stopped.

He also has failed his driver's permitt twice and refuses to go back, so my husband and I told him that we wouldn't be his taxi service.

He spends all his time on the computer and if he's not on the computer he's got his ear glued to the phone. I got really upset because I have to ask when I have to make a phone call. We have call waiting and he has been instructed to answer it but twice now I've had friends call who tell me that they have ended up in voice mail, and their calls are long distance and his are local.

I probably sound like a raving lunitick, but my husband and I both just want to stangle him. He was told two years ago that when he graduates that he has to move out. However he lives day to day and hasn't even thought about the future.

I guess this is typical teenager but I sure don't remember be that unmotivated. His grades are just passing and I have never seen him bring home a book since I've lived here.

Well, times is ticking and I guess I just have to count the days when he'll be gone and he will be responsible for his own actions.

My worst fear is that he'll refuse to move out when he graduates or he'll want us to feel sorry for him because he hasn't got a job and has no money.

FRUSTRATED !

I have two step children (none of my own). Both are young adults with families of their own. I love them both, probably much, much more then they know.
After 12 years their mother STILL attempts to play games.
The son sees through her tactics. Short version is she is a very unhappy hateful person (when it comes to my husband, her ex). The daughter unfortunately struggles with loyalty problems. Its as if she is torn when she visits with us. You can actually see the change in her as she visits. She is tense and then eases up as we share an afternoon or day with her. This happens every visit.
So our relationship is more challenging. She generally attempts to avoid us, but we are persistant in making the effort to let her know she is loved.

I can't imagine what life would be like without my 2
lovely step daughters. We were married when they were
mid-teens and I made it my business to make them understand that we were all family now. I had them as co-maids of honor for our wedding and have included them in everything
we do. At times is was frustrating and unrewarding but the final result was well worth the effort.

I have 3 stepchildren and at times it is very difficult to like them. They have a tremendous sense of torn loyality. They live with us and their mother is brainwashing them into believing that they are betraying her if they like it here. My husband finally had to garnish his ex wife's wage because she did not pay support (she owed him over 12,000.00). In turn she filed a custody suit against trying to get custody so the money flows the other way. She told the children they could not tell us what their halloween costumes were. At times they are very mean to me and their father. They won't share any info with us that they tell their mother such as school Christmas parties,school projects, book reports etc. I know it is not the children, it's their mother but when I am giving everything I can to them and they treat me as an outsider in my own home how can I feel anything but resentment. It is very hurtful. I know they are hurting, we have them in counseling. Some days are just unbearable

HI there....well I basically had the same love (or so I thought) relationship with my two stepsons....(their mother gave them up and never took an active role in their lives) But now that the boys have grown up 20 & 19....I'm useless to them ....(I've been the mother figure since they were 8 & 9 and no other kids just them, my husband and I thought it best that way we could give them all they wanted) I'm lost toooooooooo when it comes to this matter....But God Bless

Sometimes it's very difficult and takes a LONG time to develop a relationship with SK's if, indeed, it ever happens. I find it hard to feel constant fondness for my SD when she displays all the qualities that are exact opposite of what I value -- she is dependent, whiney, spoiled rotten, has an annoying inability to think on her own (at 9 you'd think she could open the car door and get in without being told to each and every time!)and she speaks baby-talk in this cutesy (fake, high pitched) voice. Ugh! It's not endearing, believe me. I know she is simply emulating her mother, poor thing (snicker), who happens to be afraid of life, scared of people in general and cries if someone looks at her funny! Believe me, I have tried over and over to draw out my SD, to encourage her to try things (like ride a bike and roller blade -- I even bought her a pair of "beginner" skates), but she'd rather not even try. Yet, she gets her feelings hurt and feels left out when my kids are blasting down the sidewalk on skates and she's left at home by herself ... I refuse to hold my kids back to assuage her hurt feelings.

I just think that everyone is different and everyones step kids have grown up in a different environment and learned behaviour that makes them turn out the way they do.

I have a SD 14 who lives with us and a SS who is 17 and 3,000 kms away - we had our issues but none at the moment because of the distance factor - nice for a break!

SD does not like me, never has. She moved in 2 years ago as her Mother is a drug user, etc. and SD finally woke up to which side her bread was buttered on. She does nothing around the house and is always making snide little comments, trying to come between her father and me. We have been married 1 year and together for 7.

Anyway, I suppose my point is that I don't like my SD and I feel like a cow saying that but it's true. She goes out of her way to let me know that she doesn't like me. Little things like saying goodbye to her Dad every morning and ignoring me. She tries to make me look bad in her Dads eyes and I know it won't work but it makes me not like her more.

She is only 14 but a woman and that is where the problem lies I think. 2 women in one house is not good! She has bosoms 10 times bigger than mine - is taller than me - and is 3 sizes bigger than me. Imagine how I feel asking her to do something around the house! I don't.

I am 31 and my husband is 37.

I don't tell her to do anything because I don't want her to hate me even more but I am starting to think that there is no point. I don't have kids of my own yet but I know how I will be parenting and it is way way way different from how my husband is parenting his lazy overweight child who talks back all the time and is rude. Does nothing to help out around the house yet keeps putting her hand out for money. I keep telling my husband that this is not helping his daughter to turn into a good adult.

I think that a lot also depends on how old your Step Kids are when you meet them and how long they have lived with you for etc. My Step Kids were 8 and 10 when I met them and both hated my guts big time for a long time. Their Mum and Dad had already split up 2 years previously as Mum found a drug addict woman beater who she found much more exciting than my nice hubby. My SD also lied non stop about everything and anything and this we know she learned from her Mother. We would just keep on calling her on it and saying "what are doing lying? why are you lying? you don't need to lie"

Anway I just wanted to spill my guts didn't I?

I have been no help whatsoever to anyone but myself! Sorry!

My SD just doesn't like me because her Father loves me and she wants to be the only woman in the house with his love. She has as much said that. I of course do everything for her - I might stop today!

Bye
Dolly7

That's what this place is all about, Dolly. All I can say is that if you've survived 7 years, you're over the hump. Chances are she will leave at 18 or thereabouts and you will be mistress of your domain. Believe it or not, kids these age treat their bio parents badly, too. Her overweight may be a symptom of her emotional state. You said she is woman - not! She may have a woman's body, but she is still emotionally a child and needs nurturing and understanding to help her grow. Can't be an easy thing to discover your Mom is a loser. At 49 years old, I know that there is one place that I am loved wholly, completely, and unconditionally. That's in the arms of my Mother. I couldn't imagine the hurt she must have felt to lose that at a young age in such a lurid display of stupidity as accepting a man of such low character. Despite, her obvious hostility toward you - kill her with kindness. You might be surprised at how far it can take you. This child will someday come to appreciate your contributions in her life. It rarely happens when they are still children. Takes a bit of maturity and a child of your own to understand the whole picture. Best wishes.

I am married to a wonderful man, and we have custody of his 12 year old daughter (my three children are grown). The problem is, although my step-daughter is sweet, she is also whiny, dependent, and has an annoying inability to behave independently. I believe that is how step_mom_2_4 put it, and I can totally relate.I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her. My husband is supportive but disappointed that we have not "bonded" into a good relationship, and things that annoy me seem to go right over his head or he thinks they are "cute." I feel very guilty that I am not more supportive and loving to her, but she annoys me so much that I clam up so I don't snap at her. Some of the web sites I have visited for advice are very condemning of stepmoms who feel like I do, calling them selfish and immature. Has anyone else gone through this and resolved the issues?

I love my step-children! They're the best! They are 30 and 32. I came into the marriage when they were 24 and 26 so I did not raise them as they were alrready on their own. I could not have my own so they ARE my own...legally!

I have 2 bio kids and 2 "step" kids. I love them all. DH's son has been with us for 6 years and he is ADHD, his daughter is mentally handicapped (oh, man the story there! She was pritty bad when we got her, didn't walk, had a g-tube in her stomach to eat through, self abused, refused touch, and on and on)she is one of the 4 joy's of my life (and 100% better btw), I wouldn't change a single moment whith them, other than wishing I would have had them sooner!!! My dad is my adopted dad, and I figured if he could be an awsome dad, then I can try to follow in his footsteps!!

Here is a link that might be useful: In Arrears

Alicia, I just followed your link. Are you allowed to post people's emails and addresses/names/phone numbers, etc. like that?

I am 16 yrs old and i have a step-everything it seems.. SM, step-sister, 2 step brothers, a step dad,Ieven have a couple of half siblings through my dad. but my 2 biggest step problems are my step mom and her son. My Bio parents divorced when i was Very little, my step mother always cared more about my step brother and half sister. She would blame me for things they did and punish me for it, or even have my step brother hurt me. He was always so much bigger then I was even though he was only a year older. If he did something to me she would in some way turn it to make it my fault. I stopped going to my dads for visitation a few years ago cause my dad would never stand up to her. The big decision maker was when I visited as usual one weekend and my step-bro and I got a little irritated at eachother, he went inside the house and returned soon after with a baseball and glove. He had me play catch with him a few times then a car passed the house and his back was turned to the road. Well I had turned to look at the car and didn't see him look too. When the car had passed I threw the ball without realizing he was not paying attention.It hit his shoulder, but to get me into trouble he put on fake tears and went crying inside to mommy that I had hit him in the back of the head. She then told him to come and hit me as hard as he could in the back of the head with the baseball in his hand. I (knowing I was in for a punishing) climbed on top of the swingset to get away from my brother, a few minutes later my SM called lunch and afterward I knelt down under the cabinet to get a papertowel to wipe up my section of the table. All of a sudden I felt and Strong blow to the back of my head and I was dizzy for a second and didn't quite know what happened until I turned around and saw my bro with a ball and my SM in the doorway of the kitchen smiling, then turning,and walking away.my dad wasn't there and it probably wouldn't have mattered if he was, But a big knot formed on my head and stayed there for a while. Thatwas when my mom told me I didn't have to go back because I was 11 and there was nothing my dad could do to make me come then. So needless to say I don't care for my SM to much but my stepfather is very important to me, he has been with me since I was 5 yrs old, and has been every much of a dad that my Father never was. "Not all step children are out to get you, not all step parents are out to destroy you, but some, no matter how you act toward them hate you and some no matter what you do to them love you, just be the best at what STEP you are and hope that they are doing to same"
-Daughter of Don_na_na

Phyllis,
Legitimate question! Yes, I have legal ownership of anything that comes into my email inbox, unless it is copywrighted material, so unless she want's to copywright any communication with me, then it belongs to me. I do hope you noticed that we have refrained from publishing any of the few emails she was goaded into sending "her" son, we did that for 2 reasons, 1: they belong to him & 2: I don't feel that any positive communication is a bad thing for my son, even if she chooses to be a total flake, I think he needs the illusion that she still cares on the rair occasions she stops partying long enough to email him (a grand 6 or 7 times in over 2 years). The point of the website is that she uses the net to hook up with people, therefore it is a good place to push her to live up to her legal and moral obligations. She also hides, so using key words in search engines leads people in her area to the site, and they do email and call to report where she is living and/or working so we can give that information to the authorities. None of our children see the site by the way, that too would not be a good thing!
Ally

Here is a link that might be useful: In Arrears

No, I do not like my step kids. I care for them because they are human beings but other than that, no.

Ally,

I always thought it was illegal to reprint people's emails or other conversations without their permission.

I love them with all my heart. It's a difficult love...on one hand they can represent love, friendship, happiness, laughter, peace, comfort....compassion.... On the other, they represent challenge, fear, sacrifice, WORK, anger, and invoke the need to protect oneself. It has taken a lot of hard work, love, and strength to make it through the tough times....and will take more love, hard work and a ton of strength to make it through the rest of the tough times. I care about them as if they were my own... I sacrifice for them.... I truly love them.....Sometimes it is soooo hard to be "everything" because you don't always get the same respect and acknowledgment that a biological parent does. That hurts...because what people do not realize, is that it is much harder to love someone who is not a part of you...much harder to love and care for someone who you really do not have to care for. Biological parents have the built in obligation to love their kids...to sacrifice for them...it's their baby, why wouldn't they? Step-parents have to move beyond jealousy, fear, concern...issues, behavioral problems etc, many many many emotions, to find that love for these children. And once they do, and some don't, but once those that can, do, they should be commended for it. It is a selfless act....selfless love....that takes a hell of a lot more than a parent who loves their child unconditionally from day one.
So, yes.... Things are working out...and I do feel a strong love for the kids.... It's just not easy...you have to give up a lot....and sometimes for very little in return... I have a great relationship with my babies.. People on the outside think I am their Mommy because they are so close to me...and me to them. But deep down inside, it hurts that the truth is, they're not mine...never will be. But each day I keep going on.... I think I am blessed to have them in my life.... Though at 6pm, 2 hrs before bedtime when they're punchy and driving me crazy I may think differently! :)

Phyllis,
Nope, if it's not copywrighted, it's public domain. Plus when it hit's your email box, it was sent to you and is your property. If you do a search on deadbeat sites you will see quite a few that reprint email's. That's what gave me the concept, a woman reprinted all her ex's excuses, and he did try to sue her, but failed. Fact is, if you don't want it reprinted, copywright it. Frankly, if I don't want the world to know what I have to say, I don't say it, lol! I do reprint everything word for word, I'm not there to lie, I WANT people to know the truth. The only thing I do is turn innocent parties names into ***'s because they have nothing to do with the issue at all. We try to not even talk about anyone else, our only issue is that she has never chosen to pay anything, abandoned the kids, and spent 2+ years pretending they didn't exist, while she continued to collect support from my DH as we waited for a judge to get around to changing custody that she didn't even respond to. She's at $2,948.15 right now, and say's she's planning a Europe vacation this summer while driving an MR2 (sports car). I have no sympathy for her at all.
Ally

Here is a link that might be useful: Oregon P4CSE

Yes, I do love my step kids and always have. My DH treats my children as his own. DH and I've been married 10 years and the kids were 18 (girl), 16, 9 and 5 (boys) when we got married.

Hello,

I love my SD; but she has caused me so much emotional turmoil that it is very hard for me to show any affection towards her. I know I love her as I cry (secretly) of joy at any of her events that make me feel incredebly proud of her(such as graduations, first communion,etc.). I stand up for her when she is in trouble...So even though I wrestle with my own feeling of -not liking/loving her-, I know deep inside that I do.

My SD has done everything in her power to make me feel VERY UNWANTED/UNLOVED/WORTHLESS (unless I have something material to give her, then I'm the coolest Stepmom). I struggle with a lot of feelings of guilt over this... but I have learned through counseling that respect is a two way street. And I refuse to try if my SD is not willing to try. That's my own choice to protect my "emotional shell". Steparents get a lot of "pressure" to make relationships better with stepkids. But at the cost of what? Our own values, morals & dignity?

For those adult stepchildren that posted about Dad's having to sneak to see you...and celebrating the pass of your stepmother...Are you sure that's not a product of your own imagination? How do you know if it was Dad himself that didn't want to visit you, because of YOUR OWN inability to get along with Stepmom? Perhaps, you are celebrating the pass of your stepmom, not because she was mean to you, but because now your "inner child" can have Daddy all by yourself again? I'm not saying that is exactly your case, "if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it." I know that there are "evil stepparents" out there. But I also know that more times than not, these are just plain issues of jealousy.

My SD could benefit a lot of me being in her life... but she just doesn't let me. She has adopted my side of the family as her own; every person that walks through our front door gets a happy smile, a kiss and a hug from SD...but yet I am not worth a penny to her. It is hell having to live with daily rejection in your own house, after a while I start to wonder, maybe I should "buy" her affection, so that my pain goes away. But I know moraly that is not the right thing to do. So to answer the question, do I like my SD? -over my guilt- I have to explain myself and justify, because the rest of the world doesn't understand how can an "innocent child" be so evil? And is whith that "innocent charm" that she makes me look in front of other people as being so "mean"... I do love her, but I won't show it to her. >...

My finace has a 17 year old daughter who so far I do not like at all. She has such a problem dealing with the fact that her daddy is with someone that all I have ever seen are her negative reactions. She has been rude, disrespectful, lied and just driven me crazy. I hope that she is not like this to everyone. The pathetic part about it is that no one will tell her that she is acting improperly. They are all so afraid that she will get her feelings hurt. So I don't see an end at all. I would really love to tell her myself! Thankfully she lives with her mother and hour away from us and I don't have to see her. My fiance goes alone!! How can I ever find a solution to this? To her I am an evil outsider.

As hard as I try,I'd be lying if I said I like my step daughter. She recently turned 12. Her parents have been divorced since she was 4. Her father and I have known each other since she was 5 and lived together the last three years. Her biomom was neglectful and her father has full custody. By court order, her mom isn't even supposed to see her, but her dad lets her visit at her grandmothers house.

Here is a link that might be useful: My Diary

The feelings between my stepsons (17/twins) and i are mutual, stay out of my way, ill stay out of yours. They dont like living here, i dont like them living here. Currently, one is new york with his mom, the other is here in town, living with friends. He doesnt like the house rules, which dad doesnt enforce but i do, but he sure expects dad to support him. As humans they disgust me. Understand, i tried, ..and tried, and tried to like them.
Its taken me a while to admit publically that i cant stand them. I cant stand their mouth, i cant stand the way they treat their father, i cant stand the way they treat my kids, or me, i cant stand their work ethics, their friends, their laziness, their selfishness, ...get the point?
I've been called names, stolen from, degraded in public, humiliated at my work (i went so far as to get 1 a job where i worked, only to find out that he was completely bashing me while he was there...enough to the point where i quit. I had been there over 5 years)
i've lived in this town most of my life (34) and have never experienced the problems that i have since i've acquired these boys. I hear "ohh youre the stepmom"...
i finally told my husband to get them under control or we would be over. I love him completely but refuse to be abused by his kids anymore.
You get to the point when enough is enough, and sometimes love ISNT enough.

Wow! It's been a while since I've been here, so I had some reading and catching up to do. Seems like there is no middle of the road answer here. You either like them or you don't. My SD (9) continues to be extremely helpless in incapable of doing things on her own that kids her age typically do. Again, I try SO hard to like her, and I really want to. My husband tells me that she absolutely likes me and respects me (I am so VERY different from her BM) but it just takes so much out of me! The pretending and the effort are stressful. I want to like her, I really do. Why is it so hard for a grown woman to harness these emotions? My SD spends EOW with us, plus several blocks of time a year, so the major female influence in her life is definitely her BM who reinforces that helpless and dependent mentality. So, though I try to encourage her to think and do for herself, my input is nominal due to her limited time with us. (An acquaintance actually thought she was only 6 because of the way she acts!)

One thing -- it does get easier the longer you do it. Though my feelings for her haven't changed much over the years, it becomes easier to tolerate. I do feel very sorry for her because I am sure she will have problems in her work and social life as she gets older. I can only hope that even with my limited contact with her, she can view me as a positive role model of a strong, confident, self-assured woman.

Somedays I love my SD (12) others I'd rather see her duck taped to the ceiling. LOL

It's been 3 years of hell, of unconditional love on my part, of constantly being there for her when her MOM isn't, and getting slapped in the face in return. ( MOM walks on water) One year I"m loved, adored, called mom, then I find out she's been saying how much she hates me, can't stand my kids, and wants me out of her dads life.

Then the next year out of the blue, it's I refuse to visit unless it is just me and dad, and dad tells her it's all of us or none of us...so we didn't see her at all last year. Which hurt me, destroyed her father, and hurt our kids. (ages 5 and 3 now)

This year it's strained. I feel her actions are so fake, with the high pitched baby talk for attention, always has to be the center of attention or we all pay, and I refuse to play anymore. She hates me, tells me on a regular basis, and I just smile and say I love you to. I have rules, and MOM doesn't, so I'm a Bi*c*. (pick up after yourself, bed time at 9pm, unless it's movie night, tell me when your going somewhere) I'm evil....

I'm having a baby on Tuesday, and she's claims she's happy about it, but the kids I babysitt tell me she's more worried of sharing our paycheck with him/her. She's going to GET less now because of THIS kid. I sware all she cares about is material things. Maybe it's the age, my kids are still 5 and 3 so I have never delt with a pre teen. For example, hubby had labor day weekend off, and she had the option of staying the extra day with us or going home. She opted to go home. We dropped her off, and when we were asked why we all came, and told her we were going roller skating she was all upset and wanted to go. We told her no, if you don't want to be with US for US, u can go home. Her response was "You didn't tell me you were going," NO but we gave you the option to stay, or go home. She only wants to be around us if we're doing something fun. Going shopping for her, spending money on her, taking her out to eat etc.

I find myself withdrawing from her emotionally just so I don't get hurt again. I love her, I really do, but I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I just take it one day at a time, and hope for the best. But I refuse to be a welcome matt as well.

Mikkella, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My SD is 18 now and I have been in her life since she was 15. She also is only happy when she is getting something or things are going her way. One day she treats me like I am the greatest thing that has come into her life and she tells me that in alot of ways I am more of a mother to her than her own mother (the Bio Mom is a whole nother story), then in the next breath, she is cursing me because I have asked her to feed her own dogs and cat. Any then suddenly I have become "her and she". Her father just keeps saying that she is a typical teenager, but I beg to differ. If I had talked to my parents like that, I would have had my mouth slapped, but kids these days just don't have any respect for adults. I too have begun to withdraw emotionally and I don't really like that because I do love this girl, but how many times do I have to be walked over. Her biomothers family is so dysfunctional. They yell and call each other names and in the next breath they are telling each other how much they love the other. I was not raised this way. We were taught to be kind to others, of course we had our moments as kids do, but it wasn't this rollercoaster scenario she has grown up with. I can only hope that someday when she grows up (she is 18 but has the maturity of a 16 yr old, but she thinks she is more mature than her 18 yr old classmates LOL)she will remember all the things I did for her and all the things I tried to teach her and she will realize how good she had it.

Congratulations on your baby Mikkella!!!!

Is is possible to 'like' a step child when they don't like themselves? My SD does not like herself, has no self esteem, few freinds, has stopped participating in outside activities, and prefers to spend her time alone. Having her around every other weekend is something now even my husb dreads. I realize that some day she'll be 25 and regret how she treats everyone, but is it really expected that we just sit by and watch a former honors/gifted student fall to pieces now that she lives w/BM?

I've been married for 2 years and my stepdaughters are 25 and 21--I love them as if they were my own, and my husb. loved my daughter (26) and her family, as well as my son (22) as if they were his own. We were lucky in how we all hit it off from the beginning--helps that his kids' bio mom has nothing to do with them and my kids bio dad has nothing to do with them, I guess. We have 4 beautiful grandchildren and one of the way--

I have an 8 year old stepdaughter who was five when I came into the picture. I went through some emotions, listening to her scream "I want my Daddy!", and such. He is still in the picture, he lives out of state but sees her on summer and Christmas break. What I found out is that you need to lower your expectations of what you will get out of the relationship with your stepchildren. Do not create unrealistic expectations in your head such as "this child will eventually view ME as his/her mother/father", just ain't gonna happen. Never try to compete with their bio-parent and let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their bio-parent but are rather filling the role of mother/father in the household. Love that child and show her/him that you care about them as if they were your own.

I need help. My boyfriend has two children( 11 and 6 both boys) and at first everything was great we all got along. However when my boyfriend and i moved in together everything changed his kids became disrespectful and rude, down right mean and just act like little brats. If my boyfriend is gone and his children are left with me, they yell and scream at me, they dont do anything i ask them to do. the 6 year old yells at me and says " I hate you and i hate being here, Im never coming back to daddys if your still here." I know their insane BM is telling them they dont have to listen to me because I am younger then their dad. my boyfriend is 33 and Im 21 but I do everything for these kids and get zero respect in return. my boyfriend doesnt help me sovle this issue were having. The children are creating a wedge between us. When my boyfriend and i talk about getting married and having children the 11 year old says " your NOT going to marry my dad and I am NOT going to have a little brother or sister." The childrens BM has a boyfriend and i asked the kids if they talked to her boyfriend like they talk to me and of course im the only one they hate. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I love my boyfriend but his children are going to ruin us. What can i do?

@ mom 2_4- I am right there with you... my SD acts the same way, maybe a little more independent (in her defense). But the whiny, cutesy, babyish, mouth-breathing behavior and lack of common sense are the qualities she shares with your SD. I feel terrible for how I HONESTLY feel about my youngest SD (7). But I can't lie to myself and pretend everything is perfect when, in fact. it is the complete opposite. All she has to do is walk into the room and I'm instantly annoyed!!! It's not fair to my son or her older sister, who doesn't have that effect on me :( I know that has to sound terrible and selfish. I too clam up so I don't snap. Sometimes I just wish she lived with her mom instead of with us so I could have my sanity (secretly). But their girls would grow up to be just like their BM, which wouldn't be a good thing at all:( SD has the same effect on some of my other family members, where they can only handle her in small doses... that's about the only comfort I have at this point, knowing that others share that feeling... only they don't have to live with her 99.5% of the time like I do ARRRRRG :*( I feel like such a fake!!! I also have a deep-seated issue where I find myself fantasizing about enjoying my son's first accomplishments as if he were the only child in my life. I feel like because I married her father, I am obligated to LOVE her... pretty hard if I can't stand her :( I feel as a Christian, I have to love everyone despite whether I like them or not. My moral compass is stuck on a daily basis, as I struggle with those feelings from the time I get out of bed to the time I get back into bed... I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody, except her once in a while... you know, "The Mother's Curse" ;) Somedays I feel like I'm going to snap!

Yes and No, I get along with my step son who is 21, he is respectful to me and polite. He still has daddy talking care of him and his girlfriend and his girlfriends daughter! Which I am not ok with, I dont currently live with my husband due to his daughters evil little games, I cannot stand to be around them. I used to get along with them, I would put up with alot from them, I would never let my own get away with. But now they have almost caused a divorce, and still dont care the pain it has caused me or their father. They are 18 and 24. Very selfish, girls, I dont know whats going to happen to our marriage because I will not stay around if his daughters will be there. They know this, and try to manipulate every moment. I currently am going to have our first baby together and worry about what evil schemes they are planning now. Honestly I would of never married this man if I knew how ugly his kids can be.

Yet after you found out how bad they are, and you moved out(!), you decided to bring a baby into the mix...

I don't like two of my three stepkids at all: the older two. I tried, I really did, but basically they seem like awful, self-centered, PINK-wearing mini menopausal women, and I can't stand to watch how they treat their dad. It's clear that to them, he only = child support, dinners out and whatever else they can wrest out of him, but they make no effort to spend time with him unless a substantial sweetener's involved, and he can never do anything right in their eyes. You won't hear the older say a word to you unless she's angling toward something she wants. Ahhh, and meals out are a nightmare, because the oldest shrieks at the top of her lungs (she's 15) and then orders around the service staff like an empress. I just won't eat with them anymore.

Take them on a hotel/waterpark weekend? They say they've been to better places, and complain bitterly about how long the valet's taking to bring the car. Free meal vouchers? "The food sucks." They act just like their mother, so I guess I technically can't blame them, but I try not to be around them either. It makes me sick when I think of how many kids don't have the luxury of a father, not to mention a father as wonderful as theirs. Now, the youngest? She's amazing. She must be an old soul. But the other two, I doubt we'll hear a word from them again when the child support's over, Dad will have served his purpose.

this thread is from 2001

It's an enduring topic.

I love my stepkids...or whatever you call your exes kids lol. I was with their mother for 5 years and have no intention of giving up the connection with them. I've never been one to put much into blood ties. The kids you read stories to, and clean up their puke for are your kids.

I'm in the process of collecting stepkids it seems as my current girlfriend has 5. I think the dynamic of the adults in the relationship and each others children has to work for the relationship to be successful. I really like all my gfs kids, they are all really different, unique and wonderful.

Back to the topic though, I have two daughters 8 & 13 which isnt going to stop anytime soon. I love my stepkids.

Heck......I even like them.

I have 3 step children and 2 of my own. I love all 3 of my step children.....
It really saddens me to see what some of you have written about some of your step children. The ones that are small and alone and/or depend on one parent because the other is absent or possibly mentally ill...or maybe you are just lead to believe they are. You can not assume that you know everything there is to know about your husbands ex wife and then take that and then use projection to some innocent child that has done no wrong and say "oh you're just like her, so I am going to treat you and talk to you just like I would if you were her". That's not right and that is not your place. More than likely the child is being neglected and part of that is probably coming off of you....by the way this is going to the several people complaining of the having the whining step daughters. It just made me want to throw up in my mouth. No wonder step parents are viewed the way they are it's people like you women.

To the ones that feel like your father was taken away...have you ever talked to the step mom? Is it the mother telling you these things, your father, or is it coming directly from the step mothers mouth? It has been my experience that both parents have used the step parent as scape goats to get out of situations to look golden in their childrens eyes. Think about that one...may not be true and definitely not right, but most step parents try so hard to fit in, but there are those bad apples, like those described above.

Okay...done venting love my SD and 2 SS's ages 13, 12, and 10 they have their issues, but who doesn't?