anyone like their step-kids?
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22 years ago
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Lily1234
22 years agojennyconnor_email_com
22 years agoRelated Discussions
When Step Kids Grow Up......
Comments (57)See this is where I just don't get it. Ex has never thanked me, even though the vast majority of taking care of DD and pay the most. Not that that is a concern of mine, but he does pay very little in CS. I would never expect DD to thank me for doing what I am supposed to be doing. It would never occur to me to train her to thank Dad for doing what he is supposed to be doing either. Even if he helps out with college, but I've seen different view points here about that. I expect to pay for college, I expect Ex too as well. I think it is a requirement as a parent to do that stuff, not an extra. But that is just me. As far as stepparents, I think the spouse who married them should be thanking them. Of course there are exceptions, like what Ashley said, she did something specifically for BM. But like babysitting or giving money/whatever for the child because the spouse couldn't, spouses responsibility to thank and appreciate. If Ex told me he couldn't watch DD on his time and his GF did for him and she wanted thanks, I'd probably die of laughter. Or if she paid his part of DD's college..same thing. It was HIS responsibility she took over, not mine, not DD's. And the child is the last one that should take up for a parents shortcomings, IMO. And of course, everyones situation is different. I know that!...See MoreAdvice needed about where to draw boundaries with step kids.
Comments (49)Serenity...I see what you're saying, but I don't think I'm going to ask for a copy of the divorce certificate, I think that would sound like I don't trust him and I always like to trust someone until they prove otherwise. Work and gossip is not an issue, we live an hour apart in a big city and have very different lines of work so that will never get mixed up. I know I'm not their step mother, I'm Daddy's gf, but I'm the only one so I don't think it's too traumatic for them having me around. Their mom has a new man now and from the sounds of it is trying to buy their affection with day trips and half the gift shop. Good luck with that. Bunglogrl...I asked him if he had been playing the field a bit since he'd been separated (hoping he had!) and he said he hasn't dated anyone. I agree, he should have been seeing different women but the fact is he was alone for a year or so and didn't. He's just not that type of person. I know another recently separated man with 2 small children and he has been sleeping with about every 3rd woman he meets if the rumours are true. Some people need to, some don't. My bf is a relationship person, and that is not such a bad thing, having been cheated on by my last boyfriend, it is attractive for me to be with a man that sustained a relationship for so long. Obviously he is not like my ex that just wanted to go and screw around. I do see the point when people say he is just looking for a replacement wife and here I am! Well, is that such a bad thing? He likes having me round and making me dinner and buys me little gifts (something I am not used to either). I haven't come across many people that like to be alone. I have done all the things you do in your 20's, college, work, travel, a few boyfriends, and I know I'm ready now to settle down and I'd like to get married (but not desperate to, I never had the "princess day" fantasy about the white dress haha) and have my own baby soon. I don't mind helping out with his kids and he does frequently ask me for advice about parenting. He knows I'm not a parent but I tell him what I know and it usually works if he does it. He told me he has done his grieving for the relationship, and wants to move on, so if a new wife is what he wants, then that's not such a bad thing. I'm very independent, I work full time, pay my own way and I still travel without him, so it's not like I'm going to slot right into to being his housekeeper, chef and babysitter. We are both respectful to each other and know we are lucky to have met each other. There are a few reasons we want to move in together. He can't pay his mortgage alone and I can't afford to buy a house on my own (house prices have skyrocketed in the last few years in my city). Plus we live an hour apart so with our jobs, the nights he has his kids, the gym and social committments we don't get to see each other very often. I know it sounds like a rush but it doesn't feel like it. It takes months to buy/move houses anyway so it likely won't happen until the new year. Anyway, I'm working it out with the kids, and I have told me I want to help him and I can, if he asks but he has permission to tell me to shut up if I go overboard or offend him. Thanks for all the advice......See MoreHoliday arrangements with adult step kids
Comments (13)sweeby, You are correct, I do want a them to respect me. You have made a good point and I will definitely remember this one. They are not aware that I do not want them staying here Christmas eve night. DH has just been encorageing them to stay with their bio mom. We live 1 1/2 hours from their bio mom and from SD. I would be more than willing to let them stay here if they had no where else to spend the holiday. It is suppose to be the night they spend with their bio mom. I do not think on a special holiday, such as, Christmas eve they need to be sitting at our home, so called ALONE. They will be spending Christmas day and the next day with us at our home. I have a wonderful meal planned with all their favorits foods, special gifts we picked out for them, entertainment of some fun card games, videos, etc. I have spend much time along with DH picking out all the things they like and to make their holiday time with us special. So I do try and do some wonderful things for them and hope they appreciate it. I truely believe they plan on having bio mom come and stay. I think bio mom is curious how we are living. Maybe she will try and get some more support from us. We already give her $300.00 a month for nothing. She has a job, benefits, retirement, live in boyfriend with a job, stocks/bonds, car, house, etc. Why are we paying her a $300.00 a month? These step kids should spend Christmas eve with their mother AT HER HOUSE. What are your views on that? All advise both negative and positive is welcome. Thanks...See MoreStep parenting help!! Step kids :(
Comments (3)M. Martin, plenty of SPs have been in your position. Being a SP is not an easy task, at all. Many who are both bio-parents and SPs say the step-parenting has been by far the more difficult. Dismissive attitudes from many, including counselors, unfortunately, are not all that uncommon either. Many have been taught or trained to think only from the perspective of the bio-parents and their children, and therefore don’t take SPs thoughts, feelings or rights (yes, SPs do have rights) into consideration much, if at all. One thing you could do that might help, is make sure you see a counselor well-experienced in blended families or one who is a SP him or herself. But, sometimes even that is questionable. Sometimes SPs get “lucky” and have both a supportive bio-mom and spouse/DH and sometimes they may just have a supportive spouse. The term supportive in this case means that your role as DH’s wife and step-mom is accepted AND enforced. However, some SMs have pretty much zero support from anyone, including their own husbands. This is the bucket you seem to be falling into. Your DH doesn’t support you in your role with his children, so his children don’t support you either. If the kids were younger, you’d need to focus on turning your DH around, so he can turn his kids around. But, since the SKs are now adults and your DH has allowed this for quite some time, if you want to stay married to your DH, options are fewer. I’d still recommend trying to find a different counselor. Some are starting to see that SM does have a side now and a side that needs to be respected by all, starting with DH. Once DH sees this, then he needs to pass this “SM needs to be respected” along to his kids (and it needs to come from him!). BM you have less control over, but it seems she is not an issue here. However, in your case, I could make an argument that your husband LET his daughter or daughters take on the anti-SM role that some BMs take from time to time. I’m going to give you a couple of words to look up and you can see if they apply to your situation and go from there. One is the term Mini-wife. The other term is Disengagement. Since your DH won’t change, it seems, and your SKs are adults now, your only option if you want to stay married but not have to put up with being treated like sloppy seconds or thirds may be disengagement. There are other step-parenting websites out there. You can either vent or get opinions there too. Look around, do research, decide what YOU want to do. Keep in mind, you will probably never have the stereotypical happy blended family, but personally I don’t think most do. I think most maybe have the OK blended family. But, sometimes given the dynamics, even OK may be out of reach, and it is a question of letting the initial family do what they may, to a point, and trying to disengage or ignore their clouded, seemingly backwards judgement and actions the best you can. Instead, focus on your own family’s wants and needs. Best of luck to you...See Morebetty1937_kscable_com
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