Husbands relationship with his ex step son

HU-249048672

I’m new to these kind of things, but I’m struggling and figured I might get some good advice.

So I’ve been with my husband for a year and a half now. I have a 3 year old daughter, he has a 6 year old daughter, and an 8 year old ex step son from a previous marriage Of nearly 5 years.

I also have an ex step daughter who is 6.

At the beginning of our relationship, he was still seeing his ex step son when he would get his daughter on the weekends.

Ex step son started acting rude, demanding and otherwise pretty hard to be around. It was obvious he didn’t respect my husband at all. (His mother is VERY childish, likes to tell both of the kids made up stories about me and my husband)

so I know most of this has a lot to do with her behavior. BUT.. his behavior got so bad that eventually my husband decided that if ex step son didn’t want to actually spend time with us, then there was no reason for him to continue coming over on weekends.

My husbands mother is completely against this idea. And forcefully tries to bring the ex step son around us any chance she gets. And will get mad at my husband if he doesnt agree with what she’s doing. So shes Making this extremely difficult. But my husband is an only child, who is very much a mommas boy so I know she’s making him feel guilty.

I have a pretty healthy relationship with his biological daughter, despite the obvious parenting differences that her mother has with me. She comes over every other weekend and the dynamic is usually pretty good. But I have no relationship with his ex step son and neither does he At this point. And I really don’t think the ex step son cares at all, but my husbands mother is forcing him. (Ex: we moved recently and went to buy a couch set and she was Supposed to pick up my husbands daughter, but showed up with her AND ex step son, they then came over to our apartment and she asked ex step son if he wanted to stay over Night with us ??? didn’t even see if we were ok with it or not, obviously we weren’t so my husband said no, and of course his mother threw a fit.)

And the relationship I have with my ex step daughter is pretty much just buying her gifts on her birthday and holidays and saying hi to her when I see her. Which is how I feel like it should be? And I feel like that’s the relationship that would work best with him and his ex step son too.


I’m not crazy for thinking that right?


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Comments (12)
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colleenoz

You are completely justified. Your mother in law needs to butt OUT. She has no place bringing uninvited guests (especially when she knows you do not want this particular guest) to your home or inviting them to stay with you. Your husband needs to grow some, get a little backbone and set some boundaries with his mother. He needs to make it clear that the ex-step son doesn’t want to visit your home, you both don’t want him to visit, and if she persists in forcing the relationship, she’s going to end up persona non grata as well.

My own mother tried to compel a relationship between me and my druggy brother, “because [we’d] need each other when [she was] gone”. Nope. Haven’t spoken to or heard from him in years since the will was settled and that suits me fine. You can’t make people like each other.

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HU-249048672

I completely agree! I’ve tried talking to him about his boundaries with his mother before and it never ends up where it needs to be. Like when we moved he said he was going to get a key made for his mother? I’m a stay at home mom/work from home, there’s no need for her to have her own key to our apartment. Makes no sense to me. I managed to talk him out of it I think.

But he will bend over backwards for his mother. I love that he loves her so much, but sometimes it’s just too much. He got to where he would push our plans back to occupy whatever she needed, as though she’s more important than us and our (already made) plans.

Her forcing the ex step son on us (and implying that my husband is still his dad, and should call him dad -he isn’t-) is just what pushed me over the edge honestly. I’m sure she only wants him around for her own selfish reasons, but ultimately it’s making it harder on everyone. My husband seems to understand that but he can’t make his mother understand. I’m not close enough to her to ever have the time to bring it up or i would.

My husbands dad is even understanding, he called us after they dropped ex step son off back with his mother after the whole “you should stay the night here!” Fiasco, and he said ex step son just wanted to get to his moms to play video games. Which is all he ever does. So he’s not even phased. But she hasn’t even talked to us much since that happened because she’s just so mad at us I guess. Which doesn’t bother me in the slightest but I know it’s upsets my husband. So its just this stupid cycle basically.

I know we haven’t been together that long so I’m hoping it gets better rather than worse. Because I refuse to let him be guilt tripped into bringing over a kid who literally wants nothing to do with us just for the sake of my mother in law.

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colleenoz

If your husband not reining in mother is a potential deal breaker, you need to tell him ASAP. Don’t stew over her behaviour (because she won’t stop unless your husband makes it clear she needs to) for years and then suddenly decide you’ve had enough - by then you may well have more children and it will be that much harder to leave.

It won’t get better, it will get worse unless she is stopped- and soon. The longer it goes on, the more entrenched it will become and harder to stop.

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Suzieque

How long was your husband married to the boy's mother? Does the boy have any relationship with his own father?

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Suzieque

Hellooooooo....?

I'm thinking about the child here. How long was your husband in his life? Is it damaging to the child to have your husband leave his life? The poor kid has already survived the breakup of his bio parents and now is losing the person who stood in a "fatherly" role for whatever time. Let's focus on the child and what it's doing to him.

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Ariel Anderson

No one here is being cruel or not thinking about the child. They are thinking about the realities of life in general and how this child has already been dealt a blow by his bio-parents. There is a saying among step-parents that you cannot care more than the bio parent does. This isn’t meant literally, because, sure bio-parents can be off-base with their own children, and a step-parent can literally care more about someone else’s child than that bio-parent cares about their own.

However, speaking figuratively, if a step-parent cares more than the bio-parent, they will be accused by all—mom, dad, professional counselors, society—of mega-overstepping their bounds. Plus, legally they have no rights to this child whatsoever. And, in this case, neither HU-249048672 nor her husband have any legal rights regarding this child. Those rights, by law, only apply to bio-mom and bio-dad. The one exception would be if bio-dad gave up any rights to his son whatsoever and step-dad legally adopted him.

Step situations can and usually are very complex. You have no legal rights as a SP. The court and society as a whole heavily, heavily favors the bio-parents, and especially BM, no matter what mud slinging or accusations are being made. Society tells SPs all the time we need to mind our own business; that is, until the bio-parents start messing up big time. THEN, all of a sudden, any and all burdens are placed on our shoulders and we are supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else’s child when the bio-parents aren’t even willing to put in much effort for their OWN child.

You mention this particular child, that has two parents already, the bio-parents. You imply that ex- step-father may already be some sort of father-figure to this child, so, what does that imply? HU-249048672 is supposed to give up her life and her own children and toss that all aside to deal with a child who is rude, demanding and otherwise petty and with a BM who appears to be into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) big-time! I don’t think so. Don’t judge. The bio-parents already messed up the kid. That is THEIR burden to carry. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix bio-mom or bio-dad or any of their children.

It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix a family that has been broken for years. What? Bio-mom and bio-dad get to screw around, do whatever, shirk their responsibilities, and then the step-parent, who probably already has another family or two that they have to take care of, is supposed to step in and take all of the risk, including any of her own children's stability, to “save” this family too? And, then, you know what step-mom or step-dad’s Thank-you is going to be for all of that? To be told by everyone on this planet that they are intrusive and over-reaching and need to mind their place. SKs will think the same, even as adults, and want little to nothing to do with step-mom or step-dad.

None of this, “It’s for the child’s sake.” The bio-parents already put a dagger into this kid’s heart, it sounds like. A step-parent cannot care more than the bio-parents. That is all there is to it. If the child was #1 in the bio-parents’ lives, they would have stayed married and sucked it up and took it for their OWN children vs. divorce, remarry, and then expect their spouse to suck it up and take it for someone else’s children.

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Suzieque

I’m not talking about legalities. I’m talking about the life of a damaged child. And so far the OP hasn’t answered my questions, which would tell me a lot.

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Ariel Anderson

I'm not talking about legalities either, and I'm talking about the lives of several people and not just one,

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HU-249048672

Suzieque, I’m not sure why you’re talking as though me not being on here 24/7 to reply to you says anything about my character, because it doesn’t. I have a life outside of this chat.

my husband was married to this boys mom for about 4 1/2 years. And this situation would be entirely different if the boy wanted to be around us at all. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t care. When we first got together we had him come with us every other weekend with his sister (husbands bio-daughter) and he refused to join in an activities. If we went out of way to do something with him he would fake a stomach ache to go home to play video games. He never asks about us, he would not even be a factor in our relationship right now if it weren’t for my husbands mother forcefully bringing him around because of her guilt.

He has an entire family and support system on his mothers side. In fact on the weekends we take my step daughter, he goes to his cousins and plays.

I have tried being a step mother, and just someone in his life in general, and he had made it very clear he doesn’t care if me or my husband are in it. I won’t even get into the details about how rude and damaged this boy is because of his mother. I’m not even comfortable with him being around my daughter because I’m afraid his poor attitude will rub off on her, and I actually think it’s great for my step daughter to be away from him for a weekend. (Not to mention we still buy him gifts for his birthday despite this all. And we plan on getting his something for Christmas, and I can only assume my mother in law is going to bring him over on the holidays despite what we want) so nobody has ‘abandoned’ this boy.

But it is not my job to fix him, nor is it my husbands. We have our own children we need to focus on and care for, I’m not going to neglect them for a boy who wants no part in our family. So I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t try to make me out as a villain in this situation. I’m also going to apologize in advance if I don’t reply to you in a timely manner that suits you.

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Suzieque

Alrighty then.

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Kerem Labero

My current wife and I have children from past marriages. This is normal. We have a good relationship. Therefore, build relationships based on kindness. By the way, we met through a dating site https://www.naughtydate.com and we knew about children from the very beginning. This is normal.

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Karen Peltier

It is difficult, if not impossible for a step-parent to build relationships based on kindness when the bio-parents never did such.

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