find out exactly what is it that he did not like. if it is just her personality type it is fine but if it is abuse? maybe she makes him feel unwelcome. what does she say to him? how much time they spend together? maybe you can talk to you X and find out if kid does not open up. you need to find out, if they are having fights wiht each other in front of the kids that would be enough to not like her.

It makes sense to me. He doesn't like her if she is disciplining him. It's not unusual for children to dislike a non parent that disciplines him. He loves his dad so he isn't likely going to stay mad at him like he does his stepmom. My kids don't stay mad at me when I discipline them. My stepdaughter does. (She also thinks I'm picking on her when I tell her ANYTHING, but it's okay when dad tells her) I think that's just how kids are, my kids are the same way toward my husband... I can tell them but if he tells them, there's a problem. It might not happen that way in some stepfamilies, but I think it's more common than not.

Can you talk to his stepmom? Do you get along with her and have you tried to be friendly or has she tried to be friendly? I'm sure there are going to be a couple of people that say... you didn't have a choice in picking her, you don't have to like her... and that's true, but your son does have to be around her and if there's tension or animosity, it won't be good for your son. Perhaps if you encourage your son to behave at his dad's house (so she won't have any reason to discipline him?) and encourage him to do something nice for her. (it's harder to be 'mean' to someone that is being nice to you) It's hard to give advice when it's not really clear how she feels about him or details of the situation or her personality.

My son, who's now 21, would go back and forth (between ages 4-12), occasionally telling me his stepmom is mean, telling his dad my BF was mean. He laughs now at how he got away with a lot because he played the game really well. I'm not saying that your son is doing the same, but you have to be able to step back and look at the facts objectively and not from the emotional standpoint of how your son feels (crying or upset) because my son was an expert at manipulating both of us. It makes it much easier to determine if she is really being mean to him versus his perception that she is being mean to him, if you are able to discuss the situation with her. (and I know others will say you should discuss it with the father and you should, but if you are able to communicate in a positive manner with her too, that would best to get this resolved. If there is any animosity between you, then definitely talk to the dad only)

From what he said to the social worker, he does not like that she says bad words a lot and that she yells a lot (but not at him he said, at his sister). He also said that she grabbed his arm when she didn't want him touching something (my ex said that was the other day at the flea market when he was touching everything).

My thought was that after all the fights he has seen and stuff like that he probably blames her for the fights because I'm sure he doesn't think his father did something wrong.

I am going to try and talk to him tonight about what he told the social work and his feelings but I'm not sure he will tell me much more.

Should I maybe have him talk to someone else (since the school is almost over he won't be able to talk to the social worker again).

I am pretty sure that the fighting and yelling really bothered him because if my husband and I start to argue (when ever we start and my son is around we stop and one of us will walk away) you can see it on my sons face that he is scared. He doesn't like the yelling or loud arguements even if it isn't directed at him and it isn't because he has seen it at my house.

I'm sorry to just go on I just feel so bad for my son and I don't know what to do. I hate that he has seen what he saw and that it has hurt him in this way.

imamommy...

I don't really think it's the discipline issue because like I said before my husband has disciplined him MANY MANY times and has told him no and so on and he has NEVER said he doesn't like him or he is mean. He actually feels so comfortable with my husband that he calls him Daddy. When his father heard this he said well if he can call him daddy than he call call the step mom mommy, my son did not like that idea at all. He said he did not want to call her mommy or mom or anything close.

I could totally be wrong but I just don't think it's as simple as he doesn't like her disciplining him.

His father should be able to stop and not argue with his current wife, in front of your son. Of course, it brings up the issue of a child's perception. My SD went back and told her mom that my husband and I had a big fight in front of her. When her mom told my husband to not fight in front of her, it took us a while to figure out what she was talking about. We had a disagreement over how to fold the car registration and she took that as a huge fight. Nobody yelled or hit anyone, but I did raise my voice when I told my husband "It's MY car, I'll fold it the way I want. You fold yours the way YOU want." It was hardly even an argument, but she saw it as a fight.

this sounds beyong SM disciplining him. I am suprised imamommy. OP said that they argue and she gets physical wiht her husband in front of the child and he is upset, but you talk about how she is disciplining him. What do you mean by disciplining? I hope you don't consider such behavior disciplining?

Now I see more details: She uses bad language, yells, fights wiht her DH, getting physical with her DH, pulls kid's arm. Sounds like one "classy" lady. I am not your kid but I already do not like her. lol

This woman does a lot of damage to your child. Yes, take him to see child psychologist, therapist, whoever. If you start talking to this trashy SM, it will get worse. I wonder if you should takae ex to court. If that's how SM behaves maybe dad will have to have visitations somewhere else, not in his house. If this continues, maybe CPS should be involved.

he is 6. And this is not disciplining. This is a low standard, trashy behavior.

This is not true that OP's son HAS to be around SM. No children HAVE to be around emotional or physical abuse. Yelling or fighting wiht your DH in front of your young child is emotional abuse. No children HAVE to tolerate that. No such law.

"When his father heard this he said well if he can call him daddy than he call call the step mom mommy"

Well, that's a huge problem if the dad is playing the game of 'if you can do it, I can do it' because then his focus is on competing or winning, not what is best for his son. I have nothing against a child calling anyone mom or dad. I used to have neighbor kids call me mom, my daughter's friends call me mom, etc. NOT A BIG DEAL to call stepmom "MOM", but only if the child WANTS to. No child should ever be told to call someone a particular title and never forced. That will cause resentment. (My stepdaughter's mom told her to start calling her new BF 'dad' right off the bat. His kids called her 'mom' too. But, when the excitement of their new relationship wore off, his kids went back to calling her by her first name but SD still calls him 'dad' and his kids really get upset to hear it. They don't like her now and tell her "he's NOT your dad" and there's a lot of resentment and rivalry going on, which I think is bad for the kids. Those titles need to be allowed when there is a relationship and the child wishes to use it, not when the parents want it used. And definitely not to compete with the other parent's situation)

She is definitely a "classy" lady...yeah right! Anyway...

I actually tried to suggest that my son visit with his father with her not around but of course I get told that I am trying to control his life. He obviously doesn't get that I could care less about him and I am trying to control my sons life and put him in a health environment.

I have been told that the fighting has stopped but apparently it is my sons father that stopped, his wife will yell and carry on and he just ignores her or tells her if she doesn't want to stop she can leave...apparently he doesn't get that just her yelling is enough to hurt my son.

I want to take him to court but would really rather solve this out of court because I know he will fight me as much as possible just because. I can afford a lawyer if I have to but I'm afraid he will call his grandfather and ask him for money for a better lawyer. I guess I'm just always afraid I won't win and things will end up worse.

elizabeth this is awful. It sounds pretty bad, i wonder what caused your X to marry such woman.

of course you need to be protecting intrests of 6-year-old not a grown SM, who can take care of herself. This child can't. he depends on adults.

It does not matter if he gets better lawyer.

so your X tells his wife that she needs to stop or leave? Am i getting it right? So your X also understands thta such a behavior is not to be tolerated.

i guess she needs to be disciplined not a young child who is apparently suffering. Go to a consultation wiht a lawyer and ask if you have a chnace to make dad to have visititaions somewhere else, like grandparents house or neutral place. don't tell X anything, just go consult with a lawyer.

There is no yelling in my house, if DD would have anyone yelling at her or in her presense, I would do my best to fix it. This is all within your rights. he is only 6, imagine how much he will hear by age 18? Ouch.

The X does say that to her but there is no follow up or anything with it. He will not make her leave or take the kids out for a while so she can calm down. It's like he says the words but doesn't mean them.

I think the only reason he thinks this is not to be tolerated is because I told him if I hear of another issue when my son is there I will be going to court no if ands or buts about it.

Thanks for the advise about going for a consultation I hadn't even thought about that.

I have a couple questions..why was you son referred to speak with a social worker? What kind of issues was he having at school? Have you verified that the fighting is really as bad as your son said it was?..Why wouldn't DS have some tension about SM..I am thinkin that part is probably normal, especially with new baby coming and all....and don't forget sometimes kids tell things one way at one house and then complain about the other parent or step at the other house and no one is the wiser..
Please know I am not trying to discount what you are saying at all just giving a few thoughts to chew on is all....

When my SD was 3-5 she lived with her mom and mom's BF who started 'nice' and turned angry and abusive. Mom is a screamer/thrower and apparently he's a screamer/hitter so you can imagine how much fun that was for SD. After the police had to intervene a few times DH was able to get custody, but that's a story for another day. Anywho, SD was witness to most of these fights and the police visits, and then dealt with her mom afterward as mom talked to her about it all like a girlfriend rather than her toddler daughter. For YEARS afterward if DH and I even seemed to disagree (and I don't exaggerate when I say we don't fight and rarely ever raise our voice) she would start to shake and run to her room. We used 'pick' on each other and play argue for fun, but we had to stop as SD thought we were serious. Mom and her new husband fight often and it still deeply effects her. When she was younger she blamed the fighting only on the BF/step as mom did no wrong, but once she hit about 11 she started to see that the pattern followed mom.

Point being, if SM is loud, angry and hostile it could truly affect your son. I don't advocate jumping to conclusions or assumptions about their household, but some investigation is in order. Having your son talk to someone else to get a better idea of what goes on there and why your son dislikes SM so much is definitely in order. Perhaps dad should be involved as well? Hearing from a 3rd party might give it a little more weight...

Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

Answers to your questions...

I asked that he speak to the social worker because he was lying and taking things that didn't belong to him (the stupidest things) so I thought it might be to get attention for some reason.

As for the fighting...his father has admitted that almost all of what my son has told me happened has indeed happened. He told me that it would stop and that my son won't witness things like that anymore. He even went as far as to right me a not saying that my son won't see him lose his temper again...so the fighting definitely happens. Like I said the X said it would stop and I actually haven't heard anything about really bad fights but I have heard about her yelling and apparently trying to fight but the X kind of ignores it and he did admitt ot that too.

As for the tension...I would imagine there might be some but my son is a very loving person and takes to people pretty easily so when it isn't the case with her it makes me think there is a big reason for it. I don't think I have ever heard my son say he doesn't like someone other than her. She SM was around for well over a year before I met my husband and my son loves him probably just as much as he loves his father, he even calls him daddy. He never says that he is mean or anything even though he will discipline him just as much as I do.

I don't think you are trying to discount anything. I'm really glad I found this site and can talk to people about the problem that isn't family.

If it were my child I might give them a cell phone and tell them to call me during the arguments. Say something like "if daddy and stepmom start yelling again and you feel scared or uncomfortable you can call me".

Then if I did get a call during one of these fights I would show up and take my child home. And I would tell dh if he did not like it then take me to court and tell the judge about how my child gets upset during screaming matches and I felt the need to take him away from it!

excellent suggestion mom2emall. Go straight there and take the kid out. hope OP uses this suggestion.

Thanks for more background...
So here is my two cents...if Dad has verified that your son has witnessed physical violence between Dad and SM and things haven't improved I personally would call my lawyer. Children can suffer horrible damage from witnessing domestic violence and I would not want my child in that situation. I think the cell phone is a good idea. along with that if I got a call saying that SM and Dad were fighting and getting physical I not only would go pick my kid up I would also call the cops so ther would be a report on file of the violence, might come in handy if you need it for court. Good luck in your situation.