How can I say this diplomatically? uh... well... Glen - You're not sounding terribly sensitive and supportive here. In fact, you're sounding pretty dense and not at all well-informed about women's health issues. A lack of information can be forgiven if you'll just ADMIT you don't understand it and not try to pretend that you do. Balancing hormones out is a LOT of work. It's NOT just dabbing on a a bit of estrogen and getting happy again. If it was that simple, we'd all be happy. Not to change the subject, but just to illustrate - my endo and I have been working for well over a year to try to get my hormones back in semi-balance, and I'm NOT even going through the change. Mine's a relatively 'simple' one-hormone problem, and we're at almost $5,000 or so in medical bills so far. I'm much happier than I was a year ago -- but if you understood how little that really says, you'd have a lot more sympathy for your wife's feelings. And to hear you say "when a woman turns 50 she knows it's OVER, and that can be hard to accept. some woman get mean because of it. " -- Well, that just makes me want to thunk you over the head with 2x4. More than once! And I'm guessing I'm the "mature" and reasonable one! Sometimes - the most important thing you've got in a marriage is determination and a refusal to give up -- that old committment to your team mate. But to make that work, you have to stop blaming her for feeling bad, understand that she's acting bad because she feels bad -- and stop trying to fix complex problems with a dab of estrogen cream.

Been a while since I checked this forum but this thread reminded me of how I saved a marriage. In 2002 friends of mine moved from Illinois to Florida. The home they built in FL was ready but the home in IL was still on the market. SO they moved anyway hoping the IL house would sell quicly. Most of their posessions were moved but some furniture was left in the old house for staging. Months later the house sold and the husband flew back to IL to pack up and move what was left. The small U-Haul he rented was not quite big enough so he weeded out what he thought was unimportant (basement furniture, odd pieces in the garage, etc.). The day after he put those items out on the curb, I went by on trash day doing my weekly "Pearl diving" (my kids call it garbage picking). I took home a square game table about 20" square with a swivel top. Needed to be refinshed and I was in the process of packing for a move to Florida so I put it in my basement. That table made it to Florida in 2003 and then moved back to IL in 2005 when I moved back. Never did get it refinished. Anyway - was talking to the guy who threw it out ( we all remained friends thru the years and emailed each other regularly) and he was telling me that he and his wife were having marital problems since their move from IL. He said she had never forgiven him for throwing out her Aunt's table - it was the only thing she had to remember her favorite Aunt. Well guess who had that table? I had the extreme pleasure of telling him that I had it and he could pick it up on his next visit back to IL. You would have thought I pulled him from a burning building - which I guess is what he felt like. Needless to say he made the trip to IL in record time and table is safely back in his home. Neat story huh?

Even though my marriage was over after just under 10 years, I still think we did the wedding just right. We were married at Niagara Falls with just our families. Yes, it was a destination wedding but we weren't requiring anyone to come. We were eloping and if our family wanted to be there they were welcome to be there. We knew it wasn't a financial hardship on anyone except maybe my cheap FIL but my MIL was thrilled because it was the only real 'vacation' she ever had. I don't think she's ever even been to the beach and she is over 60 (and she lives within just a few hours of the beach!) The weather was beautiful and everyone had a good time. We were married outside on the American side of the falls and my parents paid for dinner in a private room at the Red Coach Inn. The kids did the touristy stuff, the adults got to gamble at the casino. My sister was able to bring her dog who is part of our family. It was just a great, fun and relaxing weekend. My cousin had a HUGE fancy wedding and her marriage lasted less than a year. I have never seen so many gifts at a bridal shower. I just feel sad that she wasted that on her first husband since she has a great marriage with her second husband and they didn't do a big thing since, well, it just didn't seem right after the first wedding. Actually I have at least three cousins who had VERY short marriages after big weddings. Our generation just hasn't been very lucky in that respect, no matter how big the wedding was.

I think a new councellor is needed as this one seemed to side with your wife. A councellor should not side with anyone. I'm hesitant to say you should leave. I don't know if it is because I am siding with your wife (because I am female) or if it is because I can imagine the things she says are true. Yes, I suspect that many an affair could be like that between your wife and her ex-boss (the fact that it went on for so long). Yes, us women need (maybe not straight away but sooner or later) to feel beautiful and desirable. So, my thought is that perhaps a new councellor should be found and see how you both feel about that. And, yes, I think that your wife has to start seeing that she is 50% of the equation (not nil) but perhaps she feels guilty and this is her way of handling this guilt.