Wife cheated Entire Marriage, do I stay? - Help

11 years ago

I found out after 4 years dating and 10 years of marriage my wife had been sleeping with her ex boss the entire time on and off. According to her she slept with him once before we met when she was 18. We then met and started dating and she started sleeping with him again after we were together a year and a half. She continued the affair throughout the rest of our time together including 9 weeks before we got married and 1 week after our 10 year anniversary. She was caught by the man's wife 2 months later. She lied and lied for 9 weeks before I got a lot of details(not sure if I have the whole truth but she claims I do). It took weeks of information from his wife and me confronting her to get the truth.
She claims the reason she did this was because she was raped by her aunt when she was 6-7 years old and she was just acting out. Then she said it was to feel good about herself because I didn't tell her she was beautiful enough. Somehow I am blamed by her now because I wasn't a perfect husband and she needed to feel good about herself. She claims he would tell her how beautiful she was and she liked it so would sleep with him. Funny thing is they were having sex at the job, a Shoneys, and literrally having sex on tables and on the floor in the kitchen so not sure how that made her feel better. Anyways, they continued the affair the entire time we were together and she hid it incredibly well. I never assumed anything. She admitted they never used protection and she would come home and sleep with me after being with him the same day, To me there is no lower form of disrespect for another human than that but she justifies it by saying he made her feel good then she wanted to come home to the man she really loved. I don't get it.
She swears she never had any emotional connection with him that it was just sex yet it carried on all those years. She swears she has always loved me yet she is able to have sex with him 9 weeks before we get married. I am really confused by this. We went to marriage counseling for a year and the counselor seemed to always have her side. He said it was more normal then I thought to have a woman have an affair with 1 other man for this amount of time. I am having a really hard time believing this and hope someone can give me their opinion as I can't believe this is true. I felt like the counselor was saying whatever is necessary to keep us together. To be honest, the only reason I am still with her are my two daughters 4 & 7. I love them more then anything in the world and never want anything to hurt them. The problem is I find myself more and more stressed out every day I am around her. She continues to put blame on me for her infidelity and tells me I should already be past it. I have anxiety every day now and it is difficult to act normal at home. I need any advice as to whether I should go ahead and leave or stay for my daughters. When I am with them I can smile and play as they make me happy and I love my time with them. It is hard to imagine not spending every day with them and the last thing I want to do ever is hurt them. Only problem is my sanity is in question as long as I stay with her. What do I do?

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Comments (11)

emma
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You leave. In a marriage like that staying together is not going to benefit your daughters.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The consellor never said anything about a woman who had been abused as a child becoming involved with a powerful person in her life who uses her for sex??

This sounds like a new counsellor is called for.

While it doesn't sound like a very fun marriage, I wouldn't say "leave" until you have tried a new counsellor & until you know who would have custody of the girls.

I wish you the best.
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I also have a cheating wife and I went through all the above. I would not give advice to anyone, but, I can share what I have found. The actual hurt diminishes in time. It doesn't completely go away. I made the mistake to immediately forgive my wife out of love, and according to her friend she took it as "I didn't love her enough to be mad at her". Your going to hear a lot of bull about it being half your fault. Unless you are a real bad guy, the problem is in her head. After time you will resent her. Not resent her for cheating, but actually resent having to "help her through her problems". If you don't have kids, dump her now! Life is too short to waste it on her. If you have kids, then do the counseling thing. Where am I after 4 years? I am tired of hearing about her being lonely. Her life is no different than mine, and I don't get that option. I am tired of compensating for what going on in-between her ears. I am not her mother or babysitter. When we have sex, in my head I still see her giving head to her first boyfriend, bouncing up and down on her second boyfriends lap, oral sex on her girlfriend, and going down on the last guy (friends boyfriend) for 3 hours because he had whiskey dick. Yes I made the mistake of asking for details. I used to love sex, now she repulses me. She is in a depression now and lives in bed when not working. I now have to live in a pig sty. Her nick name from her girl friends is "Fat, Drunk, Slut!" "Her" friends feel sorry for me. I am trying to figure out a way to leave her without effecting our kids. If I find the right woman, I'm outta here! F... Her!
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1. When he is loving he is really genuine and fun to spend time with. That's how most abusers are. It's how they keep their victims around. Sadly, typically the good loving times get fewer and fewer and the abusive times get more and more often. 2. He turned his life around for me in a lot of ways already. He has never cheated on me (yes I am sure)and he hasn't done any drugs or drank very many times since we met. He found a good job and has been responsible. He hasn't cheated on you- yet. Generally with cheaters it's only a matter of time. If he cheated on his last long term relationship odds are better that he'll eventually cheat on you. 3. He lets me stay home well he works to take care of me and provide for us, honestly doesn't mind doing it and never has complained. If that's one of the big reasons why you stay, it's tantamount to admitting you're a kept woman. 4. He is really good in bed and very good looking (lol tmi) And there are lots of good looking, good in bed, non-abusive men out there. 5. My husband is very artistically inclined/ talented. He is a great guitarist/songwriter and does his own photography. Presumably he's doing all this while you want to spend some together time, and so he gets verbally abusive and calls you "clingy". Is it a good trade off, and does this outweigh being a person who will hit you when all else fails? 6. For the most part he is very peaceful (the arguments where he has hit me do no happen often at all and he is usually just a back away from the situation type). The arguments where he hits you should not happen AT ALL. And violent behaviour tends to escalate, however slowly. Think about how you'd feel going from saying, "Oh, he only hits me every couple of months" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of weeks" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of days". 7. His outlook on life is always choosing to believe the best will happen and not the worst. Well so it may, for him. 8. He doesn't worry about anything, which really helps me because I have an anxiety disorder. I'd have an anxiety disorder too if I lived with someone who might hit me. Seriously, there have to be better treatments than living with someone who treats you badly, is verbally abusive and calls you "clingy" if you want to spend time together. If you're in a relationship why wouldn't you want to spend time together? It's a reasonable expectation. Otherwise you're the housekeeper and bit on the side while he plays the guitar and takes pictures. 9. I think he genuinely felt bad for keeping it from me that he slept with 15 year old and cheated on his ex. He said he was scared he would loose me. (I do tend to be kinda reactive sometimes. But he didn't feel constrained to keep it from you that he wanted to get back together with his ex and have a baby with her. Especially knowing that you have just lost a baby and may not be able to have another. It's good he's turned his life around somewhat since you've been together but you both need to know that being verbally abusive, pining aloud for the ex and hitting you are all deal breakers for any marriage. Don't put up with it for the sake of a comfortable bed.
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I am sorry that this is happening to you. Awhile back this was me. I found the emails by mistake; he said they just had a few lunches, different than what she said and what the cellphone records said...long story short we almost divorced. He has been more on time coming home, more considerate at times but all in all, I will not trust again if ever. You need to get some therapy with her and without her. i wish at times i had left and now i would be okay, over the pain if that would be possible. take great care of yourself and remember you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
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There is something so very wrong here, I don't even know where to begin. "A year ago he didn't even like her, now she cries as soon as he goes to correct her so he back pedals and pats up the drama" That is so very sad to me, a year ago her own father didn't like his own child. So naturally there are going to be bad behaviors, but the child is still being blamed. Whats more the way it was said lends to the problem being that Dad doesn't treat her as if he dislikes her anymore, as if that is the entire problem. eyeroll..this is terrible. I'm pretty sure ANY child that has one parent that openly dislikes them is going to have some major behavior problems. So disturbing that the child is still being blamed.
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nancylouise5me
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
That "counselor" sounds like he/she has a screw loose. Dump that quack. Your wife has never taken responsibility for her actions. I doubt she ever will. People are not "made" to cheat by any action of their spouse. It is a conscious choice to do so. She chose to have the affair. Nor do I believe she will change her ways. You are not setting a good example for you daughters to follow. You wife is a worst example. Get a divorce and get custody of your daughters. Stay single for a while and just concentrate on yourself and your kids. The sooner you are free of this person the sooner you can start a better life for all involved. NancyLouise
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The only way a marriage can get over an affair is if the perpetrator accepts responsibility, feels deep remorse, and strives to make amends day in and day out from there on out. Your wife is not only NOT accepting responsibility, but she's blaming YOU for her failure to uphold her wedding vows. I see no way for your marriage to survive given her mindset.

Save yourself and your children.
scarlett2001
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You have to be critical of a counselor who takes that position. I wasted 3 years of marriage counseling on a quack like that before I wised up. She did more harm than good. I'm all for counseling, but it has to be quality counseling, not nonsense. Your common sense should tell you that she is wrong.

As for your little girls, well, I can only say that I grew up watching my mother cheat for years and years and I was very confused and had problems about marriage and fidelity for a long time. Kids look to their parents as role models, right or wrong. You may want to include them in counseling, as well.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Counsellor's enabling behavior would be understandable if counsellor is grooming her for a sexual relationship.
tete_a_tete
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think a new councellor is needed as this one seemed to side with your wife. A councellor should not side with anyone.

I'm hesitant to say you should leave. I don't know if it is because I am siding with your wife (because I am female) or if it is because I can imagine the things she says are true. Yes, I suspect that many an affair could be like that between your wife and her ex-boss (the fact that it went on for so long). Yes, us women need (maybe not straight away but sooner or later) to feel beautiful and desirable.

So, my thought is that perhaps a new councellor should be found and see how you both feel about that.

And, yes, I think that your wife has to start seeing that she is 50% of the equation (not nil) but perhaps she feels guilty and this is her way of handling this guilt.
gardenandcats
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You make up your own mind about this..What do you want to stay together or divorcee?? Do what you can and will live with after you have made a choice>
brodyjames_gw
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"To me there is no lower form of disrespect for another human than that....."

I think therein lies your answer. Are you willing to continue to be disrespected?

Also, ask anyone who comes from a divorced family. It's never better when the parents stay together with this much disharmony. You think the kids don't hear your arguments or feel the negativity? They do.
izolah76
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Can you forgive someone who's lied to you everyday for 10 years?Can you ever trust her again ? If not then leave her. Don't drag out this torture. Its not you . The fault is hers.
User
11 years ago
You must ask yourself this question: "Am I better off with her or without her?" It's not an easy question. It takes some soul searching. But once you decide what the answer is, you must act on it.

Wife cheated Entire Marriage, do I stay? - Help

Comments (11)

emma

sylviatexas1

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