There is no short way to put this. I am going to include all of the important details so someone can truly know what is going on. So my entire life has been a series of losing everything. I got amnesia when I was 15, I completely forgot who I was, and any event in my life. And it took me 1 year to get everything back, but I never was quite the same and have always felt empty. Afterward, it was a series of losing more. I've moved 12 times since then, in the past 7 years. My parents divorced. Since' I could never stay anywhere, I lost all the friends I had. Growing up was hard. all I ever wanted was something permanent, just something that I could hold onto that I didn't have to lose.

When I met my husband, he was the missing piece in my life. He was more than I could ever ask for. He made me feel like I didn't have to lose him. He was overly honest, which I loved. We used to walk around in the same jacket, just to laugh. And always lived life to the fullest--jumping in rivers with our clothes on just because we thought of it. I lived life in a way that I never thought I could. I don't even think I could call my life living before I met him. He just made me live, and meant everything to me. We were together for 2 years before marrying. I was very worried. To me, I would never even consider divorce. Once I marry, I'm a partner for life. So I was very skeptical, overlooking everything, making sure everything would be okay. And he always asked me to trust him, and that everything would be okay. I knew that there would be hard times, but I could never have guessed that it would turn the way it has today. The DAY I married him, he made me cry on our wedding night. He INSTANTLY changed. All of a sudden, all honesty disappeared. He started hiding the truth from me, stopped being affectionate to me, stopped talking with me--just in general stopped dating me. It's like he had me, and he didn't need to try anymore? I don't know. He said if we had our own house with a basement, somewhere he could escape to, it would make him want to be with me more. That made sense to me, and I always wanted a house! The day that we moved into our house (the 4th of July) I went up to him to give him a jumping hug, and he screamed. When I asked why he was mad, he said he lost his friend and it was all my fault and that I was lucky that he was even putting up with me after I made him lose his friend. When I asked why it was my fault, he said it was because he planned to hang out with his friend that day, and asked me if his friend could come along on our first day in the house. I said no, because I wanted a romantic 4th of July our first day in the house, and because of that he lost he friend and blamed me.

After that things started turning for the worst. I was so excited to have a house that I didn't have to leave. And because he lost his friend, he told me that if things got bad between us I would have to leave. And that it was only OUR home, if things went well between us. He took moving into our first home away from me. And I've never felt at home here because of it. Then it got even worse, he started telling me what I was thinking, or doing. What I had to say didn't matter if it was not what he thought was going on. He only wanted to see things the way he wanted to see them. Then he started saying my perception was "ridiculous" and when I'd tell him my point of view he'd ridicule me telling me "the titanic also didn't sink." He quit being honest with me, and tells me it's my fault he isn't honest because he doesn't want to deal with my feelings. Before I could even do something, he would assume that I would do something wrong and not give me the chance to do what I was actually going to. I feel like there are just eggshells everywhere. Like, I can't just be myself, I have to tread carefully and can't make mistakes. If I do make a mistake, he'll make me feel bad for it. He also tells me that if I can't explain things in one sentence, that I don't know what I am talking about. And he gives me a timeline when I talk to him. I feel that what I have to say is important, details included, but the details I give aren't important to him and I waste his time and piss him off. No matter what I say or do he always blames me. Even when I CRY it's my fault. If it didn't already sound like it could get worse, believe me it did. He started violently acting out. He started getting up in my face and just screaming, as if saying "if you don't shut up, ill hurt you." He started throwing things, and a lot of times he'll throw it right next to me. Every time something doesn't go the way he wants he starts stomping, and screaming, and it seems to be getting progressive. I can't even say how many time he's scared me. I don't think he will ever actually hit me, but I feel abused. I involuntarily shake all day long. I keep missing periods from stress. I am getting sick. When he scares me I don't even know what to do, I just go into shock and start crying. And then he leaves, and gives me the silent treatment. At this point I can't eat, I can't even do something I used to enjoy...all I can do is sit there.

We were reaching our 1 year anniversary, and I just had the best time planned for him. I bought him a shelf full of all of his favorite beers. I hand wrote 75 reason why I loved him and put them in a jar, so he could pull one out and read it everyday to know why I love him. I bought a tent and a raft and was going to take us up camping & rafting. And I thought no way in heck would that be a bad time. Well the place was 3 hours away, and 40 minutes before we get there, I started my period. My stomach started hurting (and it normally doesn't) so I started telling him, my stomach hurt and I felt like crap. He blew up on me! Telling me to shut up. I asked him to please just be comforting and understanding. And it's like he couldn't even hear me. I asked over and over, let's not fight, please just be understanding? And 10 minutes before we get there, he pulls off to the side of the road and told he wanted a divorce. BECAUSE I STARTED MY PERIOD AND HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH ME SAYING MY STOMACH HURT. I started crying and he blasted the radio so he didn't have to hear me and turned all the way back around to drive 3 hours back home. Any time my crying would get louder he would step on the gas to scare me into shutting up.

The next day it was "I'm sorry, I'm an ass, I didn't mean it. Here's flowers, I don't want to give up on our marriage." He gave up on our marriage 6 times since' then. And that was 3 months ago... He goes back and forth between very sweet and then rips the rug from underneath my feet. And the anger he displays towards me has only gotten worse, and more often.

We started going to counseling, and then marriage classes which started helping. They got him to come up with a plan on how to fix his anger, and had him agree to go to counseling if his plan did not succeed. I started getting hope again, but then he cracked. He told me that "I make him angry" he doesn't have to work on his anger because he doesn't have a problem. I make him angry and if I don't want him to be so angry, to stop making him angry. And to stop talking about things he doesn't care about, and at the length he wants me to. I said no, and I stood my ground. At this point im finally realizing all of the things he's doing and I can't even believe how bad the situation I am in is. When I think back on what we were and all of the things he promised me, I am just crushed and feel betrayed. But I don't believe in divorce and want to try everything I can before walking away. People tell me to leave, but they don't know what it's like to leave your only ground, and the man you love. It's easier said then done. If I left now without trying everything I could to make it work, I would always wonder. What if I could have done something? So for a peace of mind I'm still here. Because I can't walk away without trying everything.

Today my hope has been crushed, and I wonder... is there anything I can even do? Am I safe? What more can I try? He's telling me that there's something wrong with me and that i'll never make anyone happy. That nobody but him would want me, and that even my own dad doesn't want to deal with me. Is he right? I have done everything he has asked of me...I have changed everything he said was wrong with me, and he keeps adding to what needs to be changed. It seems like no matter what I do it isn't good enough. My world is falling apart before me. I have no job, no license, I don't even know how to get out if I wanted to. I feel lost and hopeless and sick. I don't even know if my husband actually cares for me, each time he gives up on our marriage, he watches a funny shows and starts laughing. He has said sorry, but just goes right back around and does what he is sorry for. I feel alienated. He isn't invest in us, and it hurts like hell. He won't try for me, and he keeps treating me like I'm so worthless. I actually left to another state to be with my father so I could take time before making a hasty decision that would affect the rest of my life. And after 2 weeks of not saying one word to me, he actually called me like he was going to cry. He told me he wanted me to come home and that he would try and wouldn't give up. so after 1 more week, I'm back home. For 3 days everything was wonderful, but today I've lost all hope again. Today he told me I have no say in anything he does with our money, with the house, with himself, and that I don't even deserve a say. That everything going on with our finances is MY fault, and that he never wanted this house in the first place. And that he wouldn't try for me. And that he only told me to come back because he was telling me what I wanted to hear, and then tried driving off. I got mad and didn't want to let him do that to me, so I ran to the car and tried to stop him, crying, and asked him to not break his promise to me. And he said to not make him make promises that he won't keep and then pushed me out of the way, slammed the car door, locked it and drove off.

I feel completely shattered. Like I am literally dying. I am coughing stuff up constantly, I've got wrinkles all over my face and I am young, I can't sleep, I have no appetite, and there is no way out. I can't even drive and I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I'm afraid to drive because I got dragged by a car on my bike, and I still feel so far behind because of my amnesia. It's like there is no way out. I wish I had a floor to stand on, or somewhere to go, or talk to. I feel lost and I just need help. I don't want to keep it to myself anymore. If you were in my position, and LOVED this man, and weren't anywhere in life, and didn't believe in divorce, what would you do? What can you do? I really don't want to walk away from my marriage and my house, I feel like I've lost everything and I can't handle losing anything more... I feel like I am the wall between the floor and the ceiling that is taking on weight.