My marriage is falling apart, I don't know what to do
DistressedWife
9 years ago
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suzieque
9 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleenoz
9 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
HELP! i don't know what to do with my yard!
Comments (3)Not sure why all of the aversion to tilling on this site. You can till if the following conditions are true and you follow the proper procedure: If the soil is extremely compacted due to years of neglect (like the surface of a parking lot) If you have more than 50-75% weeds (or no grass/bare spots) The proper procedure: round up mow short (as short as possible) till until soil is tiled to 4-6". it may take several passes if the soil is super compacted. Now, here you can make a choice. After tilling millions of old weed seeds will be brought to the surface. This is just a fact of life. You can either 1.) water the dirt and wait for the seeds to germinate. Then KILL them with round-up. or 2.) get some top soil delivered that is weed free and spread it all over the tilled soil. This will re-bury the weed seeds and give you a nice layer of fresh top soil (get the 50/50 compost/soil mix) in which you can plant grass seed. Bury the seeds 2" down and you don't have to worry about them any more. Yes, the ground will be bumpy after this. That is why the good lord provided us with a.)rakes and b.) lawn rollers. Rake the debris up. Rake the soil to grade it. Roll it with a roller 1/2 to 2/3 full of water. This will give you level ground. If it isn't level, roll it again. This isn't going to compact the soil enough to worry about - it will just make the ground level. So there is a time to till and a way to till. The blanket statements that just say: do not till aren't always accurate....See Morereply;...don't know what's wrong with our marriage
Comments (3)dear justine grower, I have lurked at your last post and having witnessed the end of my mothers no good marriage, and remembering my position as her young daughter at the time, this is a I need to see through. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a psychologist, he says that your husband is displaying classic sociopathic behavior, he may not a murderer, but he is void of actual feeling, and everything and everyone is simply being kept neatly in their rightful place in his life because this is where they are in his mind. He will never divorce you, but you will never feel loved by him, you are there simply to play your role, as your daughter is. But I am afraid for your daughter, because when she develops into a young woman with wants and needs contrary to daddy's ideas for her, her self esteem will be crushed by him, because she will too, be kept neatly in place and eventually grow in to a woman who will not make a decision without, specifically, his direction. If this is the case for her, what will happen to her when something happens to him. She will never individuate from him, he will be the extension of her that gives direction to her life. May I ask, what happens when you have an idea concernign some decision for your daughter that he opposes? Does your idea stand a chance, or does he go on proving his postition by making you of no effect in the direction of her life, except when it corresponds with his ideas? I am sorry that you are sad, and that you feel the natural loving and maternal need to save him, or help him heal, but you need to realise that his way of thinking and analysing real llife aituations is not going to change, or even get better without some serious therapy, multiplied years of therapy, and he must be submissive at that, now honestly, do you really think this is possible? He feels safe only when things can be controlled, which is why he is great at work, there is no emotion to complicate the work environment, there is simply a formula to follow, the rules are straight laced, he walks the beaten path everyday, and can follow the same rules over and over and over again to make things work for him there without question. But with you, when he follows the same rules over and over and over again, there are questions, complications and unhappiness, which he cannot understand anyway 'I can't connect to his personality, he says one thing today and something else tomorrow, doesn't even remember or says 'well that was yesterday'. Sometimes I wonder who the hell he really is?' You are not loved, you are simply filling a role normal to an adult male in his adult male life. So is your daughter, 'Like he never memorizes things about me, after 10 years he still gets me wrong presents and red instead of white wine. He is not on my side if somebody hurts my feelings' It is obvious that your role as 'wife' in his life had been fashioned in his mind long before you even met him. You are in a position that fits no one but him, in his mind the wife he has isn;t anyone but someone he made up, I guess that you were the closest fit, or a woman who was easy to mold, or make fit into what he envisions. Was he abused as a child, why was his emotional development so stunted, that he plays life? You do realise that he isn't living it right? And I am sorry, but you cannot save him in time to save your daughter. Get out for your daughter's sake, even if you are convinced that you love him and want to see him better, then look on him and support his progress as a friend. Please get your daughter out of there....See Morei don't know what's wrong with me, him,our marriage
Comments (10)forgive me for being a realist, but, when a woman gets married, it isn't asking too much that her husband consider her feelings, lifts a finger in regards to her security and the stability that everyone, male or female, needs when they realize that they are aging. I mean, a couple in their 40's! Who wants to continue growing old with someone who wouldn't even assist in the basic aspiration of owning a home? I guess he wants them to live in an old age home or be at the mercy of landlords who could decide to do anything with the property they are currently living on. Coming to think of it, I am sure this guy is expecting their daughter to take care of them in old age. He sounds selfish enough to naturally expect that, making no effort to secure himself and then burdening her, really shouldn't be considered a burden for her. There are billions of men on this earth, alot of them are capable of much better. At the end of the day, this woman needs to ask herself (considering that she could simply get another man), if there is anything sooo noble and great about this guy, that paying with her lifetime of happiness, peace and security is worth it in the end. There is no punishment as horrible as laying at the end of your days regretting that you didn't live a happy life, and for nothing. He is choosing to be selfish, he has no disorder, but laziness, selfishness and a strong controlling nature to prevent him being questioned. He is literally making her pay with her life for having fallen in love with him, and marrying him 10 yrs ago. No man is worth a lifetime of sacrifice to end up with nothing at all. And further she isn't his mother, he isn't a little boy, he has reached his 40's with this attitude. He is unyealding when questioned, I just think that beating the therapy horse will just encourage him to exhibit his usual 'yes man' strategy to get her off his back, like when she gave him the unlimatum, there will be no positive actions following his "apparent" agreeable reaponse. I think that distance, and time to find herself after being buried for so long is not too much to ask, as a matter of act it is in full order....See MoreHelp me !!!..I've had an affair and now don't know what to do
Comments (9)"The man that I'm involved with has had 3 failed marriages and done time for drug dealing" Well at least it sounds like you are getting what you deserve. "...since he's found me he's been given a new lease of life" Sure sweetie, he'll be a regular Mother Theresa now that he has you in his life. Reading too many romance novels are we? Sorry if I am coming off harsh, and I realize I don't speak for everyone here, their opinion might be a little more forgiving than mine. But as someone who's been put through the same hell by my piece of sh*t ex-wife that you are putting your husband though, I feel extremely entitled to offer my opinion, since you asked for opinions. I too was a "good honest man" (still am...lol!) who did not deserve it. I was always completely faithful to her. I worked my butt off getting a software business off the ground so my ex could be a stay-at-home for our two kids, which is what we both wanted from the start. And instead of being appreciated for working long days and weekends, then coming home and being a good dad and working on the house and all that, she eventually winds up resenting me for not being around enough and winds up having an affair with someone...which I didn't find out about for 9 months. When I found out, I said I understood (to a point) why she did this and wanted to fix our issues, and resolved to change some things make our marriage better. She said she wanted this too....but her heart was never really in it. Three years later she did it again....this time I told her I was done and we are now amicably divorced (on the surface anyway) and sharing custody or our two kids 50/50. I say "on the surface" because when I think of what she did to me, not only the affairs, but to string me along for years...knowing she wanted out but not having the courage to act like an adult end our marriage the right way before shopping for her next man, my blood freaking boils. I can't explain it, but I feel like I lived years of my life now in some giant lie...I was happy and thought things were pretty good. Good people DO NOT treat people like this. She completely disregarded me as a person, and did what was best for her, with NO regards for my feelings. I didn't matter at all....my pain was just "collateral damage" to her in getting what she wanted. To this day (5 yrs later), while I deal with her respectfully on a daily basis regarding the kids, deep down I wish nothing but bad things for her. The scars of being treated like this, by someone that you loved and treated with nothing but respect for 10+ years, do not heal easily. I suspect they never will. I (half) jokingly tell my friends that I just hope she dies before me so that I can take a big sh*t on her grave, as my final revenge. Well, now you know how your "good honest man" of a husband will feel about you when he finds out. And I hope your daughters do turn on you...you f*cking deserve it. There, you asked for opinions.....oh, and good luck with your new man, he sounds like quite a catch! This post was edited by mkroopy on Fri, Dec 7, 12 at 13:14...See Morescarlett2001
9 years agolast modified: 9 years agosuzieque
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9 years agolast modified: 9 years agoDistressedWife
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