Be Happy September 3 · When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 🤣🤣🤣

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his proferred license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing any more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The man thinks for a second, and then says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend", says the cop and he walks away.

^^^Along the same lines.^^^ Being in your 70's is confusing. On paper, I'm 71. In my head, I'm 41. At a concert, I'm 21. After 9:00 p.m., I'm 91. Getting up off the floor, I'm 102. When someone makes me mad, I'm 2. But when a 70's song comes on, I'm 18 in a field with a bonfire when I was supposed to be home already!

Why are we paying the USPS to deliver what seems like nothing but junk mail, only to turn around and pay the city trash service to haul it off to a landfill? We're literally paying to have trash delivered to our house-and then paying again to get rid of it.