I've really been enjoying everyone's stories in this thread. You can see a lot of love here! Clementine, if you tell your mom to butt out, no matter how politely you say it, it will hurt her deeply. She advises you because she loves you and wants to give to you, and she needs to feel needed. I had sort of the same problem with my mother. So I sat down and thought about how she would love to feel that she had done something nice for me. Then I did a little mental inventory of her skills, and she had no shortage of those. I wanted to sew new living room drapes, pleated. This was an area where I really would love her help. So when she was over, I took her to the fabric store with me and we picked out something pretty. Then she helped me measure and cut, I sewed, and together we hung them. It turned out to be a really nice mother-daughter time for us both. I got help with something I needed help with, and she got to feel needed and appreciated, which she was. I learned to think of things to ask her opinions and help with, and she learned to relax. Everybody won. If you think about it, maybe can you find a way to put your mom to work helping you sew, or can, or something?

My husband was a lot like yours in the beginning. I have a very strong personality and I made it very clear one summer that he had until August to show me improvement or we would be living apart every summer. Married but apart. I love my husband. He is an amazing father but the things his child did he saw as "normal" kid things. Most were not , but sometimes they were. As a new stepmom with no children of my own until 2 years later, and with his kids now several years ahead of my own, I didn't always understand child development. I would think, "My kid will never do that." Then four years later, my (now) eight year old daughter rolls her eyes at me when I am talking. When my SD would do it, I would be livid. How absolutely unacceptable!! I would react in the extreme. And when my husband wouldn't back me up, I would be even angrier. It was them against me. I always felt on the outside in these situations. Now, when MY DD roles her eyes, I very firmly say, "Go get your iPad. You may not roll your eyes at me. It is rude and I will not tolerate it." And the situation is over. I don't fume about it, I take her iPad, and I MOVE ON. One thing I read about step kids that really helped me is that we do NOT forgive them like we forgive our own children. We do NOT move on like we do with our own kids. Everything they do wrong seems personal. You HAVE TO, HAVE TO take any thoughts of it being personal out of your response, and to the extent possible, out of your feelings. 95% of the time they are just acting like kids, doing crappy things. It is when we take it personally that we stop being the adult and start behaving like a teenager. For the things that are NOT normal behavior, present them to your husband when you are not angry and propose a solution. For example, ss won't shower -- ever. He jumps in but doesn't use soap. This is not normal and it is not ok. I would like to propose that ss does not earn time on his electronics until he has showered with soap every morning. I don't know your situation well. Your stepson sounds like a handful. But if I were you, this is what I would do: I would tell my husband, "If you countermand me again in front of your son, you are on your own with him. What this means is: (1) I will not do his laundry, (2) I will not drive him to any activities, (3) I will not shop for food specifically for him, (4) I will not attend any of his activities, including swim lessons, soccer, baseball, et, (5) I will not parent in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM your son. (a) I will continue to talk to him when spoken to by him. (b) I will allow him to eat any meal I have prepared for everyone. (c) I will attend family events where all of us are invited. That's it. You will have full responsibility for your son and his welfare. I am your wife, your partner and a parental figure in this house. If you support me in my efforts to parent your child I promise to: (1) be more patient with him and consider every consequence PRIOR to giving it, (2) pick my battles; (3) discuss any major consequences with you prior to issuing them to your son." Then I would do a breathing / anger management excerise I was taught whenever you deal with your stepon: I would count to ten slowly in my head and then state, "Your behavior is unacceptable. If you continue doing [xyz], these will be your consequences." Then the consequence will have to match the crime. So, if he is whining, he will have to sit QUIETLY in his room. If he refused to pick up his toys / room, he can lose all his toys / privileges until it is picked up. If he is ignoring you on his phone or iPad, he can lose his phone or ipad until he has recognized what he did wrong, completed what you asked him, and apologized. Take the anger out of your responses to him. Anyways, I hope this helps.

It's so hard for me to understand a disinterested grandparent. I would be thrilled to death if I ever have a grandchild. My father is a very disinterested grandfather. My mother, on the other hand, adored her grandchildren. (she and my father were divorced many years ago) As my children grew up, they had a loving relationship with Grandma, but not so with Grandpa, who took no interest in them at all. I feel that Grandpa is the one who lost out, he chose not to establish any kind of relationship with his grandchildren and now that they are adults, they are polite if they see him, but have no real interest in him either. He is like a distant relative that they barely know. I agree with the post who said invite them but don't expect much. My kids grew up fine without Grandpa in their lives, what is important is that you have a warm and loving relationship with him. And yes they surely do grow up fast!

Thank you for all of your comments so far. My husband is almost 65 and in good health, still works full time and is very active. After yet another tantrum last night after I told him that my son is planning on coming home tonight I did tell him that we needed to go see a therapist because this issue needs to be resolved. I tried to explain how much this hurts me but his main argument is that it is "not normal" for a 24 year old to come home this much. I have wondered if this might be a jealousy issue (my son taking away my time from him). But when my son comes home he does spend a good amount of time at his friend's house and isn't even home or he takes off on a long hike with the dogs. And my husband works on Saturday as well. He does have underlying issues related to his relationship with his own father who passed away last year. He has a lot of resentment because his dad was somewhat of a bully and never paid for any extra curricular activities when he was little. He also told me that his dad basically told him "you are on your own" when he turned 18. Maybe his attitude is related to this? My kids did all kinds of sports and activities when they were young, I am keeping my son on my health insurance plan until he can get his own, his biological dad is paying most of his college tuition etc. So maybe deep down my husband is somehow jealous that my son gets all of these things "handed to him"? But my son also works hard and has a part time job while he is in school. I just don't know... My son is currently doing an engineering coop during the spring semester and makes more money than my husband does. Could this cause some jealousy as well? I often want to ask him if he would feel the same way if this was his "real" son but bite my tongue because he was a really good step dad in the past.