Not sure who will leave first me or my step son.

11 years ago

Every summer for the past 9 years, my step son comes and spends the summer with us. Most people spend the summer relaxing, going on vacation, enjoying the weather and Happy. I spend the month if not 2 before summer begins in sheer panic: I stop eating, I cry and feel like my body is inside out. Then the day comes when my husband picks him up....a 18 hour drive round trip. I basically do not breathe for the full 24 hours before he arrives back home.

Let me go back a bit. I met my husband when his son was 2. Because he needed someone to watch him while he went to work one night. We had a mutual friend who asked if I could help out. I was a teacher and many years of experience with kids...still work with kids in a variety of settings today. I and his son were great friends....he actually would ask to stay at my home when he visited his dad. All was good. One could even say his son was the reason we started dating and eventually ended up getting married.

The trouble did not seem to come up until his son started school, and do to the distance between our home and his moms....he could only visit during the Summer.

The fist summer I noticed a change right away...he was talking back, argued about everything and needed more consequences and direction. He even seemed like he fell back in many areas. My husband I also had a son as well by this time. My step son was now not the only child in the house and was not being catered as much he had been in the past....because of the baby and also because he was older. My husband of course did not see how his behavior had changed and of course did NOTHING to correct it. I of course was imagining the whole thing and picking on this poor child...when I did bring up his rude and disrespectful behavior. Then the fun really started NOT...The second summer he came again not listening, arguing, screaming and defiant. Along with now he was pinning his father against me. Stating that I did not feed him, wouldn't let him brush his teeth or get dressed. HE left out the parts of throwing food, refusing to get out of bed, screaming at me to SHUT UP, I HATE YOU, spitting at me. I would get a point after 45 min if not longer of this behavior when I would just say "fine don't eat, don't get dressed...what ever"

When I tried to explain why his son did not eat or was still not dressed at 4 pm...I was told you are the adult, you know how kids are. Make him do these things....or told that I was MEAN and CRUEL to treat a child like that...I should know better. Basically the child was not talked to or in trouble with his father..rather I was the one who got yelled and even got the silent treatment from his father...for even thinking his child was like this.

The thing was I was beating myself up....I did not need my husbands help in that area. I was trying every trick all the books, tricks that I had in my bag and nothing WORKED. I even recorded his fits one week, thought my husband I could have a movie night...his son while I was on the phone with the doctor for my son was sick...had erased what I had taped. I was rereading books ordering/looking up things on line. I tried everything. My husband tried nothing and in fact many times rewarded this child with dinner out, movies and going to fun places.

I think it really hit home for me how bad things were when my 3 yr old child asked me. "Why is it when S (my step son) is here, daddy doesn't like me any more". He also asked "Why doesn't S ever get in trouble" Not that the 3 yr old got into a lot of trouble....but he even noticed that my step son was not acting appropriate and not have any consequence. Many times when I did try to set limits or give my step s consequences my husband would reverse the situation when he got home...giving him back his video games, taking him out of time outs, letting him out of his room...though I had just told him he needed to stay in there for 10 min. At one time I had my step son write a note to his dad about his day...trying to get him to share the days events so they were not coming just from me....YUP my husband stopped that. As soon as he started noticing a pattern." No one can be so blind as the one who refuses to open their eyes"

I am now in my 9th year of this CRAP, the only things that have changed is we (husband and I) have 3 boys. Step son is now 4xs bigger then I. And that my husband says we work through this together he is on my side......till a situation comes up. Then again I must of done something or I am to hard on step son....again it is my fault and s son is the poor child. He got here on Thursday and I have cried for the past two days......

Where do I go.....

Do I leave my husband......

Do I let this BRAT run my life, house, family.........

Do I continue to fight a battle I can not win......

I ask for help as I stand alone...........

Featured Answer

Michelle Jacobi

11 years ago

My husband was a lot like yours in the beginning. I have a very strong personality and I made it very clear one summer that he had until August to show me improvement or we would be living apart every summer. Married but apart. I love my husband. He is an amazing father but the things his child did he saw as "normal" kid things. Most were not , but sometimes they were. As a new stepmom with no children of my own until 2 years later, and with his kids now several years ahead of my own, I didn't always understand child development. I would think, "My kid will never do that." Then four years later, my (now) eight year old daughter rolls her eyes at me when I am talking. When my SD would do it, I would be livid. How absolutely unacceptable!! I would react in the extreme. And when my husband wouldn't back me up, I would be even angrier. It was them against me. I always felt on the outside in these situations. Now, when MY DD roles her eyes, I very firmly say, "Go get your iPad. You may not roll your eyes at me. It is rude and I will not tolerate it." And the situation is over. I don't fume about it, I take her iPad, and I MOVE ON. One thing I read about step kids that really helped me is that we do NOT forgive them like we forgive our own children. We do NOT move on like we do with our own kids. Everything they do wrong seems personal. You HAVE TO, HAVE TO take any thoughts of it being personal out of your response, and to the extent possible, out of your feelings. 95% of the time they are just acting like kids, doing crappy things. It is when we take it personally that we stop being the adult and start behaving like a teenager.

For the things that are NOT normal behavior, present them to your husband when you are not angry and propose a solution. For example, ss won't shower -- ever. He jumps in but doesn't use soap. This is not normal and it is not ok. I would like to propose that ss does not earn time on his electronics until he has showered with soap every morning.

I don't know your situation well. Your stepson sounds like a handful. But if I were you, this is what I would do: I would tell my husband, "If you countermand me again in front of your son, you are on your own with him. What this means is: (1) I will not do his laundry, (2) I will not drive him to any activities, (3) I will not shop for food specifically for him, (4) I will not attend any of his activities, including swim lessons, soccer, baseball, et, (5) I will not parent in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM your son. (a) I will continue to talk to him when spoken to by him. (b) I will allow him to eat any meal I have prepared for everyone. (c) I will attend family events where all of us are invited. That's it. You will have full responsibility for your son and his welfare. I am your wife, your partner and a parental figure in this house. If you support me in my efforts to parent your child I promise to: (1) be more patient with him and consider every consequence PRIOR to giving it, (2) pick my battles; (3) discuss any major consequences with you prior to issuing them to your son." Then I would do a breathing / anger management excerise I was taught whenever you deal with your stepon: I would count to ten slowly in my head and then state, "Your behavior is unacceptable. If you continue doing [xyz], these will be your consequences." Then the consequence will have to match the crime. So, if he is whining, he will have to sit QUIETLY in his room. If he refused to pick up his toys / room, he can lose all his toys / privileges until it is picked up. If he is ignoring you on his phone or iPad, he can lose his phone or ipad until he has recognized what he did wrong, completed what you asked him, and apologized. Take the anger out of your responses to him.

Anyways, I hope this helps.

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Comments (6)

blueheron
11 years ago
You will probably have to leave him because it doesn't look like it is going to get any better. It doesn't sound like he would go to counseling with you, so that is out. Unless your husband is willing to see the situation as it is, there isn't much hope for the marriage. You shouldn't have to put up with the boy's behavior and your children need to be protected from him, too.
veronicasgrandma
11 years ago
I think your crying and fear is giving this kid too much power. Talk to your husband, put your foot down and make some demands.
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Hugs to you and i can totally understand where you are coming from. No , sadly your ss has nothing wrong with him and it is strong will. You know why i my gutt feeling tells me? Because you are describing my nephew. At my wedding, my husbands side of the family said and i quote ' here is Satan's child' ANd i didnt' take offense. He honestly is strong willed. Everything you have described is him. The biting , hitting, the bullying...he used to take toys and slam them on his own mothers head. I phoned one time and found her locked in the bathroom crying.They also had alot of tests done and nothign found. What he needs is extreme discipline. and it must come from a father figure. My brother would also spend very little time in the house. 15 hrs working..then of course he had to sleep so...barely home. Your husband MUST CHANGE HIS WORK HOURS TO ACCOMADATE HIS CHILD. It does get worse as they get older and his father must take the reigns now. Both of you have to work TOGETHER IN DISCIPLINE. Very important. My brother and his wife went to counciling and it took a long time to handle their son and it still takes alot of energy. The odd part is my nephew also has a caring side...that you would expect if you saw the first aspect of him. After several years , he is now cleaned....not a slob..barable to be around with ..still has a temper once in a while but its controllable. I think what also hit my nephew hard and what really changed him also was the death of his brother last year. It was awful. my sister in law was pregnant...and gave birth in the bathroom...his brother had passed in her arms..police..ambulance...needless to say i wont tell any further. But since then he's really calmed down... I know its hard. i know it willb etrying for you. But dont give up on this child. 1. go to counciling. 2. You husband must acknowledge the behaviour. 3. You and your husband must work together and be consistant and persistant in punishment and reward. 4. Have soem time away for yourself..for peace of mind and let your husband have a go at times...for him to witness. As well, he also is expressign that biomom is not there...so i think its a combinaation of strong will and realizing biomom not there. So feelings of resentment are bubbling. Another thing is...was mom a substance abuser? That maybe a piece of the puzzle. Good luck...keep us posted. p.s If your husband is not willling to work with you and acknowledge what is going on...you have a bigger problem and it is not you SS.
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GBB, I don't know if it's even that he resents you trying to parent him, because it would be more logical that it happen all the time - not just mostly when Dad is away. Poor kid is probably terrified that his BM left, now Dad is gone... is he really going to come back? What if you leave too? The pressure of waiting is too much, and maybe he figures he's just going to force the issue and behave badly so you leave too and it's all over with (like people who settle a lawsuit that they have a good chance of winning because the strain of the whole thing dragging out becomes too much for them). Plus, if he acts badly he gets Dad's attention when he does come back (going out for ice cream). Wish I had a magic answer for you. DH went on a week-long business trip last summer and SS veered wildly between overly-clingy and loving to me and just horrible out of character bad behavior. I don't have three other kids to take care of on top of it like you do, and I was a wreck by the time DH got back. It was completely mentally and emotionally draining. (Since it was summer, I spent one entire week with a child who literally would not leave my side from 8 AM to 9 PM - either clinging and saying "I love you, I love you" almost non-stop, or screaming and having actual temper tantrums.) Does DH have internet access on his trips? Can you Skype or maybe have SS and/or DH create videos (with a webcam) to email to each other? Phone calls are good but video seemed to be even better. Maybe DH could write a note for each day before he goes to give to SS each morning that he's gone? Ask SS what would make him feel more secure; at nine he might be able to answer. But DH also has to let him know that no matter how worried he is it is not acceptable to say these things to you. Good luck!
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ldvilen100
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't think counseling is out, because to me it looks like it hasn't even been tried or mentioned. Your husband is suffering the guilt-trip a lot of dads do in this situation. He is thinking he is being easy on him, but instead he is setting up everyone, especially his son, for failure. Yes, the fault does reside largely with your DH. He is the adult, and should have set some ground rules up long ago for these visits. Another thing I want to add, is that a lot of these dads actually are kind'a frightened of their own children in some ways. Some of them, like your DH, don't spend a lot of time with them, and then when their own children come over, they don't know how to react/deal with it even though it is their own kid. Some will even attempt to "pawn them off," so to speak on their current wife or girlfriend to deal with. Real parenting HAS to come from the bio-parent. From what you describe above, it sounds like your DH is trying to make up for not being there the rest of the year with his son, by "being easy on him" when he comes for the Summer. The end result is that this has given his son all the power and you very little. Meanwhile, your husband is getting angry with you for not dealing with it.

I would really try to get your husband, along with you into counseling, and eventually your SS too. After all, you have three other children to think about. If this doesn't work, you may have to disengage during the summers when your SS is around. Focus on yourself and your three children. Let DH deal with his son. And, you've done nothing wrong, and there is very little you alone can do to correct the situation. This HAS to come from dad.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
Husband & his son are content with the way things are; you *& your little one* are the ones who are paying a steep price (which will escalate) for the privilege of being mistreated.

When nobody else wants change, things will remain as they are.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, & go on & live a happy life & give your small child some happy times.

I wish you the best.
blueheron
11 years ago
That's an excellent idea - to stop parenting him if your husband doesn't back you up. That should shake your husband up when he realizes that he has to take FULL responsibility for his son. After all, divorced men marry partly to have a wife who would take a lot of those duties off them.

Not sure who will leave first me or my step son.

Michelle Jacobi

Comments (6)

blueheron

veronicasgrandma

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