Cypress, The decision is yours but here is what happened to me... I met a man who I thought was the greatest thing since chocolate 5 years ago. I have 2 children (he doesn't have any) but he seemed to get along with them well. My son was 16 and didn't want me to marry him but I thought that he was being jealous because he had been in the past. We had always been very close. My daughter was 6 and enjoyed spending time with my new love. I never saw him treat them badly or say anything that was out of order. After 12 years of being single, I chose to marry him, after a year dating. 3 months after the wedding, my son left home, REFUSES to even come to the house to visit because Husband is ALWAY rude to him and cut's me down for defending him. My daughter HATES him!! I can never leave her at home by herself in case he gets home before me. He scream and fights with her all the time. He sends her to her room within 5 minutes after she get off the school bus EVERY DAY. My daughter is staying with one of my sister's for the summer and I am trying to get Husband to talk to me. He doesn't see a problem. He is the adult and man of the house and she needs to behave. Yes, she has developed a 'smart' mouth and voices her opinions more than an 11 year old should but IMO he needs to have some respect for her also. Children are people! their feeling can be hurt just like his. THey have a right to have their own opinion when ask a question. All the monthly bills are in my name as I moved them over to our new home instead of paying another deposit. My ENTIRE pay check goes to pay for them and food. His paycheck is his ~ he says he works hard for his money and deserves to have some fun. Leaving is not a do-able option for me. Your man may not do these things, YET!! That is the key word. If he is behaving in this manner now, just imagine what it will be like when he gets you to sign the license. Do you want your son to have to be by himself every evening, lonely in his room? Be scared to bring a problem to you or just discuss his day, because 'he' is home? Just my 2 cents, Good luck

I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.

GBB, I don't know if it's even that he resents you trying to parent him, because it would be more logical that it happen all the time - not just mostly when Dad is away. Poor kid is probably terrified that his BM left, now Dad is gone... is he really going to come back? What if you leave too? The pressure of waiting is too much, and maybe he figures he's just going to force the issue and behave badly so you leave too and it's all over with (like people who settle a lawsuit that they have a good chance of winning because the strain of the whole thing dragging out becomes too much for them). Plus, if he acts badly he gets Dad's attention when he does come back (going out for ice cream). Wish I had a magic answer for you. DH went on a week-long business trip last summer and SS veered wildly between overly-clingy and loving to me and just horrible out of character bad behavior. I don't have three other kids to take care of on top of it like you do, and I was a wreck by the time DH got back. It was completely mentally and emotionally draining. (Since it was summer, I spent one entire week with a child who literally would not leave my side from 8 AM to 9 PM - either clinging and saying "I love you, I love you" almost non-stop, or screaming and having actual temper tantrums.) Does DH have internet access on his trips? Can you Skype or maybe have SS and/or DH create videos (with a webcam) to email to each other? Phone calls are good but video seemed to be even better. Maybe DH could write a note for each day before he goes to give to SS each morning that he's gone? Ask SS what would make him feel more secure; at nine he might be able to answer. But DH also has to let him know that no matter how worried he is it is not acceptable to say these things to you. Good luck!

As harsh a reality as that is and it sometimes can be completely insane, Deborah is right about the "cub" thing. You better play it smart or else you will be kicked to the curb never the son. A son can be a spoilt, selfish, lazy and useless brat and the mother will still fend for the cub. He could even be a total pyscho and most mothers will fend very strongly. In this case he belongs to the former rather than the latter and this is the case most of the time. I have a step son who is 13 and I am sending him to live with his Grandparents. I had to play it very smart to get this to occur. The step son uses me and shows no respect he never has. The first time he ever met me when he was 10 years old he asked me for money. He hits his grandfather and shouts at him when his grandfather tries to assert himself. This boy has run the joint ever since he was born. If he did something wrong, grandma would give him some candy or some money. His mother is a single mother and the father abandoned her and the son and daughter who is a fantastic girl turning 14 this year. She works her ass off and I have nothing but respect for what she has done since I got involved in their lives. But the step-son is different and is actually undermining her development. This was especially so before I entered the picture when the daughter was a wreck always moaning and upset yet unable to verbalise her feelings. She was ignored while the step son who is useless in an economic sense continued to rule the roost. Despite these kind of factors mothers will do anything to fend for the cub. My way of getting him to the grandparents was to argue that they give him what he wants, and that the cost of me disciplining him at this late stage is just to great. The house would be a warzone, a pitched battle between me and the step son to get him to take responsibility and to demonstrate respect for the fact that I dragged him and his entire family out of borderline poverty. He does not give a shit that I did that because he is no longer in control. When his family was poor they still spoilt him. They are still poor now mind you but they will never fall below the poverty line; i am their security guarantee. A 13 year old boy is old enough to understand this in theory. Especially the MASSIVE change in living standards. They lived in a 'house' the size of a small bathroom with 6 people and rats running around it. I pulled them out and all i get is used by the step son who actually prefers the old life because he was the boss and did whatever he wants. When I tried to control him it became war and instead of continuing it I said to his mother, you know what, he now knows that he can not beat his elderly grandfather and shout at him (because I grabbed him by the throat when he did it). With that control mechanism in place, he knows that if he does it again I will take it further because that is just beyond the pale, beating or hitting and screaming at your grandfather who loves you and kept you alive slaving in a factory for 60 hours a week for a paltry 25 dollars for the entire week...So with that being said, I argued that he should go to the grandparents for now, they love him and will spoil him gladly and he will be very happy as he can do whatever he wants. Me on the other hand, I want to vomit when I see it and refuse to do it. The cost of trying to get him to play ball in society is not worth the result because he is not my son. But my argument to the mother was not that, because I would have triggered the 'cub defence mechanism' that is inbuilt in all mothers. My argument was simple: (1) he will be loved and there will be no real conflict (2) the grandparents love him to pieces and are happy to take him (3) he will be happy there and you (the mother) will not have to worry about me disciplining your son anymore (3) (i actually most left this part out though) her daughter can focus on her study without her brother and grandfather taking over the house with their bullshit (grandfather cooks fried pork fat hotdogs and fried chicken for step son every morning) the daughter eats it because it is what is there - that will change when the step son and grandfather go back to the grandmother's house. Moral of the story is if you want to get rid of a step son you have to make it benefit him 90% + with very little downside to him personally; in my case it helps that he never liked me despite what I did to get him out of poverty. So easier to get rid him. Also I pay the bills. Depending on what your situation is you have to tailor your reasons accordinly, but if you want to succeed you must make getting rid of him a plus for him personally and not for yourself. Otherwise you will trigger 'mother cub mechanism' and it is GAME OVER if you do that. Find a way to make getting rid of him a net benefit for him and make sure that he is in a safe loving environment. You won't succeed in having him go to a less safe environment because that will trigger the mother. BE VERY SMART and capitalise on ANY viable opening you might have.