I don't think it's necessary if you call, send flowers or contribute to their cause. My 99 year old aunt died last week , and I didn't go to the graveside service and I wouldn't have even had to fly.

Unfortunately we can't always attend funerals but I know the ones that loved me understand. The time to see people are when they are alive!

No, it's absolutely not necessary to attend every funeral, especially those that require you to fly. Families will understand why you cannot attend. Send your condolences.

What everyone else said.
I seldom attend any funerals except when it is especially important to a friend to have me there. If the person who died was important to me personally I do go in to the visitation if possible. In and out. Not religious. So it really comes down to support for the living.

My wife's father passed away in May, and her family planned the service for the end of July, to give ample time for those that would want to attend to make plans. It obviously wouldn't work in the case of an open casket funeral but to me that seems a macabre practice.

I think calling or sending a card is sufficient when attending would be logistically difficult.

I really like the idea of visiting from time to time while family is living, then calling with condolences on the occasions of deaths. Do most of these people live near one another?

Attending the funeral is to honor the deceased but it's also meant as support to the loved ones. Try to go see people when they are alive, then skip the funeral unless you were especially close to the ones left behind, if that wouldn't cause a family issue.

Doing some soul searching: If you don't attend, will it cause a rift in your relationship with the family? And, would this bother you? Will there be enough people in attendance to show support for the immediate family? Will there be family counting on you specically for help and emotional support?

The fact that you need a last minute plane reservation gives you an out of sorts.

I think by asking us here what we think, it will give you the permission you need to not attend. But really, this answer needs to come from your heart and not ours.

My advise would be to take each one as it comes. You might want to attend or not depending on the particular circumstances. I don't think you should make an all out decision that you will not attend any future out of state funerals.

In my view, funerals are to show respect and give support to those in attendance, not for the deceased. The deceased will never know if you're there or not but family and friends will. It's them you need to communicate with.

On the one hand, we all go to funerals for the living, not the dead. On the other hand, if anyone holds it against you because you won't lay out several hundred dollars or a grand, that's their problem.

Traveling is costly. Taking precious vacation time is a lot to ask.

If you are local, then of course, attend if possible. But don't feel bad for not using up precious resources when you can call and speak to the ones you'd be there to support.

I didn't go to family funerals since I was so far away. Let them know how you feel and tell them it is just too costly for you. Hopefully they will understand.

If your parent lives in the area of the funeral and the deceased is their sibling, he/she might appreciate the support of your presence, although it is not a command performance that you attend since you live a long distance away. In the event the deceased is a sibling of a parent who is also deceased or who will not be there, in my opinion, this further reduces the need to attend.

If you had a close relationship with this aunt or uncle, sending a bouquet to the place of the funeral service is a nice gesture. As an alternative, make a contribution to a cause of the deceased. Most funeral homes have procedures for handling contributions from afar.

Of course you do NOT have to attend and you have plenty of reason to not go to all of the funerals. If you feel a special need to attend one/some, that's fine but busting the budget for someone else's celebration doesn't make sense.

If it causes a rift between you and the family, then maybe you need to lose some of the family!

I do not enjoy funerals. I quit going to a lot of them decades ago unless I felt a special connection and desire to attend. To me, many funerals are a big waste of money. I know a lot of people who have spent money on funerals when they really couldn't afford it, just to do what they're "supposed" to do and that is disgusting. I have a problem condoning that.

Late last winter/early spring a very good friend's mother died. I knew her but we weren't really close. However the last couple years I did go see her with my buddy many times. I was the one who could get her to get up and move around - nobody else could. She was one who (admittedly) enjoyed a "good argument" and that's why she wouldn't walk with her own kids. She told me that the one day. They had a funeral locally and the burial was a couple hundred miles away. I attended the funeral and my buddy asked me to come to the burial. It was a very beautiful day here for the funeral and a very cold day for the burial but we drove up for the day to attend the 10 minute (cut short due to cold weather) graveside service and then went out to eat with family and friends. Went to my buddy's house for a couple hours afterward, as they wanted some company. Then headed back. I'm glad I went to that one but the reason I am going into it is occasionally it's appropriate, but never required. It's totally up to you doing what's right for you. Dead people don't care.

I completely understand! We live across country from our family and it's very hard.

This post comes at a time I am getting ready to fly out for a Funeral tomorrow. My Brother in Law committed suicide the other day and we are flying up for his funeral because we were extremely close to him.

I think it depends on who it is. Not to sound disrespectful but if it someone you were not close to or barely knew. I think a phone call and a card to the family is appropriate. I just can't afford to fly up for every death sadly. This trip alone is close to $2000 for us with the last minute flights, car, hotel. I think most families and friends understand that it is a stress financially to just up and go. Immediate family, close friends or a family member outside the immediate family that I am close to I will fly for but there are some that I would just have to stay home even if I wanted to be there. At my age people are starting to pass more frequently and I just can't go to everyone.

Aprile- I am so sorry.

Aprile-I'm so sorry. I think in cases of sudden death and tragic circumstances such as this, the decedent's loved ones really do need their loved ones physically there to lift them up, because they can literally need it.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Aprile, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much. This whole situation is so very sad. So many people coming together for this. I just wish he knew how many people loved him and were there for him.

Sometimes such trips are a financial burden. Other times, it may be possible but inconvenient. Know the difference, those you inform of your non-attendance most certainly will.

The airlines used to have special rates for funeral travel. Wonder if they still have that.

The airline was very nice and offered an open ticket so if plans change I would not be charged a fee to change. They did offer about $100 off but the tickets were still close to $750 each which was hard to swallow.

This is a tough one and each family has their own culture in these instances. The circumstances really dictate. If it is a financial burden, then no I do not think anyone SHOULD expect you. In the end you have to live with your decision. Be sure you choose what you are comfortable with. Me, I can't imagine purchasing plane tickets for this unless it was a parent. For sure not for an elderly aunt/uncle, but growing up in a military family we were not close to relatives.

No, I don't think you owe aunts and uncles your attendance, especially at such cost and effort to be there.

This thread hits home with me right now because my mother just passed a month ago. Between airline tickets, boarding for our dog, car rentals and so on, we spent over $2600 so it's really not a cheap endeavor. Regardless of the cost to them, we had several members of our family who came from far and near to help us grieve and honor her life. Of course it meant absolutely the world to us to have them there. I'm so glad we all got to spend time together and share our memories; but knowing the expense first hand, I appreciated their presence even more.

That said, there were still lots of people who for whatever reason could not be with us and instead showered us with kind loving emails to let us know we were in their prayers. Love and support comes in a variety of ways, we do what we are able to do and it's absolutely the thought that counts.

Aprile, I am so sorry for this loss.

I remember reading that most airlines no longer offer substantial discounts for last minute travel to funerals.

Delta offered us lowest cost for that flight on that day and no charge to change flights if the plans changed..

I just flew on Delta yesterday for a funeral. They offered us 100 off a 700 dollar ticket. They did give us open ended though.

I agree with most of the above. Another thought, if it's someone that you really want to be there for,perhaps just one of you could go to represent the family.. At leas that would halve your travel expenses.

Sometimes you wish family had stayed away.

Three of my DH's cousins came from two states away to his mother's funeral. The casket was closed, but they asked to have it opened because, " We haven't seen her such a long time." (She had been in a nursing home in our town for several years before her death in her mid-eighties.)

Following the funeral luncheon at a restaurant near the cemetery, they came to our home to wait until their flight departed.

Two seconds after establishing that he wasn't inheriting from her will, her nephew was on the phone, ordering a taxi to the airport.

My MIL left *nothing* to any of her relatives. She had been generous for decades, helping with school expenses, mortgages, hospital bills, gifts to her siblings, their children and their children's children. She had given this particular nephew a large diamond for his bride.

I invented stories to accompany some of her possessions when I sent them to some of her relatives, saying I was sure she'd wanted them to have the necklace/figurine/whatever.

I happened to be in Germany when my grand fathers (on my mothers side) sister died. People from around the world came. It was fantastic to see all the relatives.

For my fathers funeral I stayed on course. I was near Aberdeen South Dakota on a cross country bicycle ride. I visited him as often as possible, and we had a deal, no need to fly over for a funeral. But, my brother still holds my absence against me.

People react different, and others, feel the need to do different.

Moni