I attended two funerals this week. They were both small, but I imagine they still cost a small fortune. I agree with you. When I leave this world, the less spent, the better. I would rather my son have the use of the funds for something useful. I saw a show years ago on a PBS called POV (point of view) about home burials and customs prior the funeral industry taking over, it featured home viewings, homemade caskets, being buried on family land etc. I don't want my body embalmed. ICK I would rather be compostable after a "Weekend at Bernie's" experience.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. Children should not go before their parents but life is never fair. Sounds like a great remembrance of him and that is what counts. I am close to the same age and want similar for those that are left behind. I do want music at a memorial but not traditional church stuff. Pieces to make people think good thoughts, laugh a bit and enjoy life.

It's not customary to have 'viewings' in the UK, so embalming is extremely unusual too. And the majority are cremated rather than buried, which is much cheaper. Our crematoria have lovely gardens and non-denominational chapels, so it's very peaceful. When my father died, we held a private family-only service at the crem. chapel, led by his minister, then a huge memorial celebration at his church later that day. It was filled with tears and laughter and joy. He was cremated wearing an old pair of trousers and a favourite shirt (I only know because I delivered them to the funeral directors - as I said, there was no 'viewing'. My siblings and I all spoke and told jokes about our father.
As for music, we picked pieces we knew he loved - and selected a hugely rousing piece for the end of the service, which was struck up so loudly and joyously by the organist, that my sister and I, hitherto in tears, got the giggles. It was a great way to celebrate him.

Funerals. Well, they are a fact of life. I suspect a person should be 'put away' according to how they wish to be. Every person who is old enough to have contemplated leaving this earth should tell at least one trusted person, hopefully one who has also the power to bring it to pass, what they'd like.

I know my aunt even wrote her own newspaper obituary, grave stone inscription, and eulogy. Bless her heart. My mother and I talked very comfortably about the same thing. I kept her wishes on what she mentioned and my DD and I orchestrated everything else the way we knew she'd want it and we knew her better than anyone after my father died.

Her funeral left a good taste in my mouth. She had a violin concerto, poetry read she had written herself and was published, and all the family dogs were present in the chapel. She made us swear not to put her to rest with glasses on, and she didn't want fancy dresses which she never wore in her later years. So she wore her most comfortable pair of slacks. The blouse I bought the material for and my daughter made her. A hand-made brooch from a friend, and the sweater my DD knitting her and was covered with an afghan she knitted. We put house slippers on her and a dear friend did her hair. We also made sure she didn't look like a clown (her words) with make-up. I slipped her St. Christopher medal she always wore on for her final trip. Likewise her wake was held at home so that only the close friends and family could relax. Like most country wakes.....food started appearing at my back door in abundance to feed the crowd.

Expense? Nothing compared to weddings. To each his own but I know people who pony up fifty or sixty thousand without blinking. Normal, average, working people so someone can have a 'special day'. Mortgage their homes to do so. To think what kind of start on life that much money could mean to newlyweds spent on things they need or a home, makes me want to cry.

I am sorry for for the loss of your friend and your nephew, Posiah.
Sounds like you folks know how to have simple and inspiring funerals.

There is an interesting book called, 'Grave Matters', which delves into emerging, more simple ceremonies used in laying a loved one to rest, so to speak. Many now scatter ashes on water, or have loved ones buried in special cemetaries with trees for markers, the list goes on and I never finished the book, so I'm sure there were some very touching ways to say a final good-bye.

And then, there was my DMIL, who died in'93.

As she DEMANDED, COMMANDED, which was her usual way of communicating with other humans, that she was not to be embalmed, and she was to be buried on her own land in a plain pine box. She'd wanted only a shroud, but the funeral home said that was out; it had to be a box.
The funeral home got a Bobcat up to her place at the crack of dawn, and the funeral home did not use a hearse, because if the neighbours found out there'd be a hullabaloo, even though it was perfectly legal.
We gathered 'round and had a short burial service within the 24 hours allowed by law when the deceased is not embalmed. Our family minister, My DSIL's brother, led the ceremony.
She was Catholic, so we knew it wouldn't count as a real funeral until Fr. Biber came up from Lexington to officate.
He did come later that week, but the memorial service had to be done in a Protestant church! Hope she didn't mind; after all, it was just family involved!

I intend to leave instructions for mine, what music, and what may be done.

One thing that will NOT be allowed, no recruitment and dire warnings about everyone there getting right for the afterlife...

I want my life to be discussed by those who knew me, and my best wishes and admiration for my friends to be known...

I think it won't be open casket, and I will request only
a short service at the cemetery...my wake will be dinner funded by my estate for all who attend. I hope the maggies flow.

Husband and I want the plainest box allowable, no viewing, cremation and immediate family (all 6 of them) only internment in a veterans cemetary, no services.

How one chooses to get married,or buried is such a private matter and should be between the persons involved and their families.There are so many other more important things with which to get your panties in a twist. As per my parents' wish,they were cremated and quietly buried on our property at the edge of the woods..no service,no nothing. Their dog is now with them. We want the same type of thing. Cremation and our ashes put wherever our son wants to put them,other than a cemetary. Scattered at the base of a big old oak tree would be just perfect.

That's what I'm getting at, social expectations have been the driving force for many years for what should be "such a private matter". The routine has been so ingrained for so long that state laws concerning final disposition are often arbitrary and not really based on health matters so much as somebody else's idea of what they should be.

I was researching what the legal issues about private burials months ago, and some of them border on the ridiculous. For instance in one state it's illegal to transport a corpse in a pick-up truck. I guess someone thought it was disrespectful so it became a law? LOL

You are not required to be embalmed in our state, but if you aren't, burial or cremation must occur 24 hours after death. That's really not based on science. And if you want to pick up a body to transport and not use an undertaker, you have to get a permit to transport it. I laughed to myself when I read that, imagining the red-tape you'd encounter.

My mother has her obit written, funeral prepaid, casket picked out, and what music she wants. Has to be a live musician, None of this canned stuff (Sister is an organist). We had a lot of fun planning the funeral. Dad had already passed, so it was sister and me and mom. We had gone to school with the funeral home guy, and his dad had worked with my dad. It was a very irrelevent joke cracking time. Mom thought she had to get a casket to match dad's, but really liked a smaller daintier and more expensive version. We told her to go for it, the vaults would match and inflation counted for the increase in cost.

When she gets on my nerves I think about totally disregarding her funeral plans. Indulging in this little bit of mental spleen keeps me from barking at her.

When I was a child I went to lots of calling hours and funerals. Mostly for my many great uncles. All of whom were veterens (WWI) and all of whom were Masons. I thought all funerals had old men firing guns and wearing little aprons (which I thought were carpenter aprons and couldn't figure out becuase none of my uncles were carpenters).

And what about the funeral food? What is your specialty that you take to the bereaved home? My daugher discovered the joy of Johnnie Marzetti this way.

When I married my DH in Oklahoma ( he is from Columbus Oh) I had to promise to love,cherish and make Johnny Marzetti.

OK---what's Johnny Marzetti?

another name for American goulash as far as I can see. There was a restaurant in Columbus called Johnny Marzetti's or Marzetti's where this became popular I guess.

Both of my maternal grandmothers and my maternal great grandmother were buried in their nightgowns. My dad's mom was buried in a peach colored sweat shirt and sweat pants that we had bought for her about 10 years prior. It had "Grandma" embroidered on the front of the top and on each sleeve had her 4 grandkids names. We also put a lot of momentoes and things in the coffin with her. My cousin Gregory put a giant ceramic cow he had painted for her when he was little. lol

When my mom's dad died, he was buried in his coveralls, cowboy boots, and a baseball cap. He had been a dump truck driver and had a shop at his house where all the drivers would come to work on their trucks. He retired only 3 years before he died (he died at the age of 85!) but the guys all still came to use his barn (shop). He loved it. He had been on oxygen for about 10 years (yes, even when he still drove his dump truck) but would still sneak cigarettes. Well of course all the guys smoked too, so I think every one of them snuck cigarettes into his coffin too. he probably ended up with a whole carton before they were through. Did I mention that during the last 2 years of his life, he never bought a cigarette? Anyone who came in would get a "got a cigarette I can have?" and of course they'd hand a few over. He didn't smoke them then, but stored them away for later. LOL He was pretty sly.

Oh, and my grandma who got buried in the peach colored sweat suit, also got buried in what was essentially a cardboard box. But it was the fanciest, velvet covered cardboard box you ever saw!

Personally, I want to be buried in jeans, a t-shirt and NO bra please. LOL If there is an afterlife, I wanna be comfortable.

Johnnie Marzetti is a german's version of an italian dish, lol. It is egg noodles and ground beef, and chopped onion and green pepper, and I think cream of mushroom soup, and tomato sauce and processed american cheese slices or Velveeta. It was served every Thursday in our grade school cafeteria. It was the day the brown baggers begged their mom to let them buy lunch because it was the favortie meal. For most kids. I would trade my jm for someone's applesauce and slice of Vienna bread ((which looks and tastes like Italian bread), the mandatory side dishes) because I hated the stuff. I did not beleive in cassaroles until I was an adult. I liked my food pure and unadulterated and it its own little spot on the plate. Fortunately our everyday china was decorated with a bouquet of flowers and I could point out which flower was to have the deposit of each food item.

Thanks, Marda!

Tisha---great story----I would've loved knowing your Grandad. He sounds like he was a really great guy--with good friends---a guy can keep more of them around if he has a shop or some kind of hang-out. They sure don't care for the house---that's 'wimmin-folk', territory!

Excuse me, but neither the dish nor the name Marzetti sounds German to this kraut!

Around here, Johnnie Marzetti is made with macaroni, and a spaghetti type meat sauce dumped into a casserole dish and baked. Yes, it is definitely Ohio rural funeral food, wedding food, and church picnic food. So are huge pots of homemade chicken and noodles (your greatest wish come true, or your worst wallpaper paste nightmare). Also shows up are ham slices, fried chicken, meatloaf, meatballs or sausage in kraut and homemade cakes/pies. Even though I bought a mountain of deli food to prepare for the wake, I can't tell you how much I appreciated the knocks on the kitchen door of women from up and down the road......some I didn't even know well who would offer condolences and hand it over. When I was young, I thought this ritual was bizarre, but now I understand. Offering food is a basic instinct indicative of caring, and giving. It's a good thing.

Speaking of funeral food... We just went to a small-town funeral Saturday and they did a dinner afterward. I was in heaven... and Mamaw (my friend's grandma that had died) would have wanted it that way. LOL We had baked ham, green beans with bacon, pink fluff (i'll post a link), chocolate sheet cake, banana pudding, sourdough bread w/ butter, and all the tea and coffee you could drink. It was wonderful.

I had brought over deli food to my friends earlier in the week. Jennifer (she's from Southern CA, if that really matters) had never heard of the tradition of bringing over food to the bereaved. I found that odd. But I took ham, turkey, and roast beef, large dinner roll type buns, potato salad, leaf lettuce, a tomato, and an onion. I've been craving a good sandwich ever since.

Here is a link that might be useful: Like this, minus the coconut...

Besides food to the bereaved family, it has become a custom to bring paper products, plates, napkins, plasticware, paper towels and even toilet paper for all those peole eating all that food. Another nice food gift is the breakfast basket: Coffe, tea bags, orange juice bagels etc for the funeral day. I call johnnie marzettie german because our recipe uses curly egg noodles. A Pennsylvania dutch specialty.

Not meaning to be disrespectful to the loss of your friend but have y'all noticed that no matter what the intent of the thread, it seems to always turn to FOOD with this bunch? LOL!!

Hee! So true, Wanda, so true!

Researching the history of my old house, I ran across the newspaper clipping of a child who lived here. She was a sister of two elderly folks down the road, married to each other, but both of their families had at one time owned this farm over its two hundred year existence. This child had lain in state in my living room. This would have been 1930s. I think about that sometimes when I'm sitting there reading or the television is on.

My little sister in law was buried in a flower garden on the family farm back in the ozarks. She was removed when my MIL died years later and placed beside her at a cemetery, however.

I often wondered if we have people buried on our property. We have never found gravestones, but sometimes they used to just be knocked down and ploughed over. What surprised me, was I have found that the early owners of the farm are not buried here, but interred in the city graveyard. They were the ones who built our brick house, and records indicate that a log structure had preceded it, placed by our spring and it was a public house for travelers. So, not all farmers 'took care of their own' and undertakers were doing their thing even back then.

I would like to see some of the laws written about final dispositions changed in this state. I have enough ground I could be buried on it if I wanted. But the state makes it difficult to carry through on 'natural' burials for no really scientific reason. I suspect they were written before refrigeration was mainstream and are now arbitrary and redundant.

How about the music? There are tons of pieces that could get the wishes of the deceased to the ones they care about. Messages in the harmonies or words conveying a view or idea that one wishes to be remembered by. I would like some classical pieces and a few that would likely shake some up for myself. When our step son passed he had pieces that he wanted played, Memories Judy Collins ,U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking (Rattle and Hum), Norman Greenbaum Spirit In The Sky I led the memorial and it was very nice. For myself I would use those and add Pink Floyd Pulse Tour - "Great Gig in the Sky" Pink Floyd - Breathe and Life Of Brian - Ending among others. Not very traditional but then I am not either. I would rather be cremated and have the ashes handed out to those that want some, even you guys if you are interested. ;^)

suzy,
I am always fascinated when you talk about your farm.
If ever I'm in your neck of the woods...

I collect old vintage photos of babies/children.
I primarily look for clothing and wicker.

In one of my photos, the baby has black bands/ribbons on the upper part of each arm.
In researching this, I found that many funeral homes late 1800s/early 1900s were the only places in many towns with cameras.
When a child passed, they would often taken a photo for the family as this was probably the only photo the family would have.
The bands were placed to note the photo was taken after the passing as the photos were taken with either eyes open or eyes closed.

Don---no lie; I'd be HONORED if I could have a smidge of them---I'll send some of mine if I kick, first, OK?
Thank you, Buddy.

I want to scatter in free-fall form a J-3 Cub, OR from 'The Princess', a J-4, over the mtns I've loved so much----UNLESS, my eldest DGD has her horse farm set up---she wants me with her, alive or dead, ---right next to my 'Coffee Rock' she's going to have for me to sit on in the mornings with a hot coffee, if I'm still around.
I'm sitting here weeping my heart out.
We wanted so much; thought we were going to DO so much.
Sitting on a rock on her horse farm would be so splendid; 'way more than I feel I ever deserved.

went to a nice funeral last week;
the 49-year-old husband of a co-worker died suddenly of a heart attack.

It was a traditional Methodist funeral...to a degree.

hymns, Old Testament reading, New Testament reading, prayers, & then, one by one, the family went to the pulpit to speak of their lost loved one & to tell stories...

dressed in their camouflage tee shirts & hunters' hats (Mary's husband was s hunter).

There was a slide show on a giant screen, no casket, & since the crowd was huge, the meal was held in the sanctuary instead of at someone's home.

My brother has instructions to wrap me in a quilt (an old one with cotton filling) & bury me close to the creek on his acreage, & if he hears coyotes digging & crunching, he's to turn up the sound on the tv & open another beer.

He once gave his wife a long lecture on what to do should he die before her, & when he was finished, he said, "Now. Do you understand what you're to do?"

"yes".

"Ok. Tell me. If I die first, what're you going to do?"

"I'm gonna have you stuffed & prop you in your recliner & put a beer in one hand & a cigarette in the other."

That's stellar. I used to tell my kids my very first memory was one of the rivers running through our town and past our little house. They were to take my ashes down to the river and let me free. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't.

Wanda, we just have a little piece of the original farm. It was still intact up to two years ago, when the owner's children started splitting it up and parceling it off. Thank God, most of it went to people who wanted to farm it, or just add to their already existing acreage. So the landscape hasn't changed......just it has multiple owners now. We do have the original farmhouse, the springhead, and some acres.

What Good Friends are for...

I tell my kids to put my ashes on my compost pile. Suzy, do you have zoning in your township? If not, I think you can be buried on your property. Just north of us the Stark Wilderness Center started a "natural" burial grounds. Folks are coming from all over the country to be buried here. DH has a friend who has a raised stone vault on his property. Previous owner couldn't stand the thought of water seeping into his casket so he has a sealed stone one set on top of the ground. In Ohio if you have an old church cemetary or family cemetary and the land changes hands it becomes the responsibility of the township. With no additional money to pay for maintenance. In our county the Vets make sure all the known veterens graves are marked with a flag on memorial day This includes Revolutionary War graves back at the end of nowhere on farms.

Wanda,I knew I fit right in with this group because all my conversations eventually get around to food, be it cooking, veggie gardening, or great restaurants.

No Tibs........we are not zoned, thank God. Someone started a petition years ago to get it zoned, and he was sooooooo frustrated by the time he reached our place and saw the look on my face, followed by laughter.

Yes, I could be buried here on my own property. I've considered it as an option and in fact, our pet cemetery is just a wonderful, peaceful place, overlooking our grotto and under a grove of trees. Complete with a stone bench and a statue. It may be enlarged someday. ;-)

I've read about your 'natural' burial ground when I was researching home interment many moons ago. I thought it was a beautiful idea. I suppose your landscape is like ours, with many country churches, still functioning and their own cemeteries. I know many of them, because I do genealogical research. I have many kin in them. They, for the most part are still lovingly tended. There seems to be a few people in each township who volunteer their services for those where the churches had gone defunct.

Oh yes, this bunch will always bring it around to food. Smiles.

My father lived down in Florida for a few years with his sister. I remember the day he called me up sooo excited. He found a place down there that would cremate him and ship him for $699. LOL He didn't want any funeral, wanted to be cremated and buried in same space as my mother. We four kids had a bit of a discussion about it after he died, but we kept to his wishes and just we siblings and our partners were there when we put the little box in the ground. He wanted us to dig the hole ourselves at night, to save money, smiles, but our cemetery association was happy to do it for a few dollars. That was our only deviation from his requests. He did die when he was living back up here with us, so we didn't need the shipping but in his honor I did shop around for a nice reasonable crematorium. He'd have been proud. In fact I think he let me know he was pleased. A couple months after he died I was sitting at the computer with my back to the hall doorway. I heard him walk up the hall, say Hey loudly, like he always did in greeting. He sounded happy. It took me a few beats to realize/remember that he was no longer alive.

Don, I knew you'd come up with some great music for the occasion. Smiles.

When I was younger[thirties] my fondest wish was to have my body made into a skeleton like you have in anatomy class and just get propped in the corner for the kids to play with. As my nieces and nephews came along none of them seemed to care for the idea and it died a sad death. Ah well.. kids these days.. no imagination.. Smiles.