Truer words were never spoken, Stephanie. Thanks for reminding all of us.

I'm sorry for your recent losses.

Last funeral I went to was for my aunt, 90ish.

One of our cousins got up and told about the good times we had all shared and enjoyed with Aunt Florine and Lacy! A celebration of her good life!

I got brave enough to stand up and say a few words once at the funeral of a "growing up" neighbor. I am very glad I did, even though it was very hard for me to speak up.

Thank you for the encouragement.

it does mean alot to hear stories about a loved one...you never know when might learn something that you never knew before...

my mother was always so reticent about talking about her life, esp when in hs during the depression (oh how she hated those days)

We lost my husband's best friend last weekend, and the Catholic church where the funeral was insisted that no one say anything at the service.

I sort of understand the reasons why, but it made those sorts of moments SO much harder to do.

And I think you're right, those stories and memories are really nourishing to hear.

I also learned that many times, people you don't think of are ones who need comfort.

In my DH's friend's case, everyone was concerned about his wife, and his mother, and even his brother. But the person who seemed most broken up was his brother-in-LAW, who said to me, "He was everything a big brother *could* be."

I'm going to try harder to write those little notes w/ a memory or story in it Stephanie. Thanks for the "goosing."

I could not agree more.
This year our family suffered a great loss and I can't stress enough how much those spoken and written memories meant to us.

Friends: take that 15 minutes to write that note - it REALLY matters.

Relating a fond memory is never "corny".

The funeral service is not for the departed alone; Its for those left behind as well.

You know that you are getting older when your social life begins to revolve around funerals.

Some people find it hard to attend the gathering in the funeral home on the afternoon/evening of the day prior to the funeral.

Some don't like to attend such - saying that it's depressing ... but they couldn't have experienced the usual such gathering.

Yes, there's sadness, as people view the one who's passed, if that is part of the agenda (sometimes folks just have a gathering, with no body present ... but I feel that it's important for us to face the reality, to deal with the body).

But as friends gather and shake hands/hug the main mourners, many tell stories of some interesting or memorable, often humourous experience that the teller shared with the deceased.

And there's usually laughter ... mixed with the tears.

Such experiences help a great deal to bring peace to the hearts of the bereaved ... to helping them be ready to let the loved one go ... with equanimity.

As someone said, the funeral is for the mourners, to help them start working through the business of grieving.

And all of us can help bring that peace of heart to ones whose hearts are breaking ... with little cost of time, energy or emotion to ourselves. Usually a major result for minor cost ... how's that for a bargain?

Bless you as you share such experiences, as opportunities present themselves.

And when you are the one in major mourning ... I pray that many may offer such a gift to you.

Death is ... part of life.

A transition to whatever lies beyond.

I pray that you may approach this experience yourself with minimal trepidation ... with some spirit of curiosity, of adventure, of trust that this next phase of our life will be good.

Aren't Christians a strange lot? They tell about what a wonderful place Heaven is ... but how many have you ever met in any real hurry to get there?

Good wishes for appreciating the wonder of each day as you travel this journey of life ... and move beyond this phase of it.

ole joyful

I recently attended the service for one of Buddy's therapy clients. Buddy is a beagle and a therapy dog. All Betty's grandchildren and great-grandchildren came up to me at one time or another and thanked me for making Betty's stay at the home much easier. It was hard for me as I became very close to her and nearly lost it several times.

Her son told me that she wasn't happy at all about going there until the week after she moved and I started doing bringing Buddy to the home. She looked forward to those Tuesday afternoon visits and would be disappointed if she didn't get to see "her Buddy". In fact, she even changed her weekly hair appointment from Tuesday at 2 to another day just so she wouldn't miss his visit.

In my family funeral gatherings, as much as they have tears, share more laughter than anything else. It's the fond memories that start to take over, seeing grandchildren (little clones) running around that remind me of the circle of life. Taking the opportunity to say goodbye and thank you for sharing your life. Many times I have heard stories I have long since forgotten. If there is no opportunity to speak during the service, we certainly speak while visiting.
I totally agree that taking a few minutes to share a memory really does mean a lot.
This is a very valuable post, I hope it helps others.

Steve, that must give you a warm feeling. Unknowingly doing something that meant so much to her. I'm sure it means a lot to a lot of older folks too.
I wish I could speak at a funeral. It does mean a lot to hear other people share their memories of your loved one while there. It brings smiles, and triggers your own memories, if only in your mind. But I'm to emotional, and would probably blubber through whatever I was trying to say. From now on, I'll be sure to add a nice memory when sending a card. Or if attending someones funeral, at least try and share one with the family.
Leslie

I agree completely. I know some people find it hard to speak in public, but it means so much to the family. Many people spoke about my daughter Gillian at her memorial service, and I was so grateful.

At my cousin's funeral last week, no one was given a chance to speak. The funeral director, instead of inviting everyone to speak, told us all that we were done and should go to our cars. I was disappointed, but didn't realize until later Terry's daughter had prepared something to say. She still feels bad that she wasn't given the opportunity. I think it's a terrible shame. It sounded to me as though the funeral director was in a hurry to get to another funeral.

I, too, hate going to funerals but it is a necessary thing sometimes. When my wonderful father-in-law died we had so many people tell us they could tell we were a happy family by the laughter when the came to the viewing. My father-in-in-law was a happy man. We celebrated his life. When my oldest sister died 4 years ago we had so many people tell us wonderful things about her. She lived in a very small town. She loved the library. She was cripled up with Arty and her husband picked up books for her. The ladies kept track of what she had read and picked out books they knew she would love. By the time it was all said and done people had donated almost $10,000 dollars to the library in her memory. betty would have loved this. When I sent out my thank you notes I included a letter highlighting Betty life. She was always the first one to deliver food and send out thank yous and all to so many people. She fought so hard to stay alive but her body just simply gave out. She was at home and when we knew the time was near I packed my bags and told my hubby I would not be home when it was over. I am so glad I made the decision. It was sad but a wonderful time to share with her. she talked to all of us until about the last hour.. I miss her so..

Susie

I have to say something here too. When my DH
died, the dearest cards and condolences were the
ones that mentioned how much they thought of him
and why.

Doesn't take a lot of writing - just something true
and sweet.

Molly, when my DH died, he'd been working in the HyVee grocery store, giving out samples. He'd cook up dishes and loved talking with all the people. He caused sales to really go up because he never met a stranger, and talked to everyone like they were long time friends. In fact, when we got married in Las Vegas, we ran into someone he knew. The guy was from my home town, but I didn't know him. But my DH did. I always said, "We can't go anywhere that you don't know someone." Anyway, back to when he died, I got sympathy cards from people who'd come into the store, (that I'd never met) and they all said how friendly he was, that they would really miss him being in the store, and their trips there wouldn't be the same.
Leslie

I agree - including notes in our cards is a big help. A lady who had been a neighbor girl came to see my folks before my dad's passing & recounted help he'd given her & siblings (abusive father). If I had known at the time some of this, I'd forgotten, but it was so 'typical' of my dad. And she was able to share - again - her appreciation.

But when we know someone is terminal - or just on our minds - let's take a few minutes to send a note telling them how much they mean to us.

I did just that to my children's g'aunt that meant SO much to all of us. After the divorce, I wasn't sure how I would be received (I should have known better!) but one day I sat down & wrote them, thanking them (again) for the friendship, some babysitting, etc. I got back a nice note inviting me to come visit 'anytime'. I didn't get to see the aunt but did see the uncle a few times.

Another note I sent was to a contempary of my parents that had played a large role in youth group. I recounted a silly episode that helped him & me win a game.....I doubt he remembered it, but I haven't forgotten. I hope it helped cheer his day & brought a smile to his wife.

We all fail, I think, in letting people know how much they mean to us. Rather sad.

When a friend of mine was widowed, she threw away all her sympathy cards without opening them. I can't imagine doing such a thing, or wanting to, although I realize different people grieve in different ways.

Has anyone ever heard of that?

Alisande- That is sad. I bet she regrets doing that, even if she won't admit it.
On the other hand, did she hate her husband?

I'll speak for the cowards/cryers among us. I cry so easily and in such an ugly way (lots of swelling and redness,) that I could never get up and speak, even if I wanted to. I feel sadness easily and when I cry I can't talk. Never mind the stage fright! I so admire those who can do this. The sympathy card I can manage, and try my best to make it personal.

Whenever I send a condolence card, I try to write a short sentence about my personal memory of the person. I'm very shy, I wouldn't be able to speak at a wake or funeral service.

Talley sue...my mother's funeral was a catholic funeral. the entire service, visitation and then mass was in the church.
In the vestibule, the funeral home had a LCD TV that showed a slide show of pictures I gave them...pics of my mother as a baby through her 85th Birthday. Her cousins (all younger than her) were so happy to see pictures of them all as children and growing up.

I gave her eulogy, from the pulpit during the mass, and just told a number of family anecdotes, memories and memories that included people who were there. Just talked about growing up with her as my mother.

The pastor had no problem with this.

Gardenspice, no, they had a good marriage. She said she did it from grief.

I loved receiving cards and notes.