I do send cards even if I attend a service.

If a spouse dies and leaves a partner and children I usually send a card to "Jane Doe and family" or "The family of John Doe" (John being the deceased.) If I know well some of the survivors, I will send seperate appropriate cards to those that are friends.

I always include a short, personal note. Something that might brighten a memory of the survivors.

I do keep a few cards handy, we seem to be sending more every year.

I'm just facing this dilemma. I've had an aunt and an older cousin pass away recently. I sent cards to the kids I was close to, but should I have sent cards to all of their children (one family has 6 siblings, the other 5 and I was only close to one child in each family)?

I do not send a card if I attend the viewing or funeral. I usually send a bright bouquet of flowers to the home to recognize the personal loss. I know I am not usual, but I could not open the sympathy cards sent me after my father died. I never did, though I still have them. It was just too much.

Deeinohio, sometimes people put cash or a check in the cards, meant for the family’s use or for the memorial donation. I suppose if there were checks in your cards the sender would have contacted you about it not clearing? Maybe you should have someone at least open the card to see. You can donate any cash and return the checks with a note.

Additional questions to everyone, not just Dee:

How long do you keep the cards you received?

Did you send thank you notes to people who only sent cards?

We had printed cards of thanks that sort of looked like the return portion of a wedding invitation--cream colored, black engraving-- that we added notes on to people who brought food or attended services and enclosed a Mass card and then placed a note of thanks in the local paper, which is customary where I grew up.

I usually bring a card to the service as they always have a place for those. I address it to whoever it is I know - the spouse or child. If I know the whole family then I say to family of. I’ve never had a situation where I had to mail a card to multiple family members. There’s always one primary person that I know the best. I usually have a few cards on hand.

When my brother died I sent thank you notes to everyone who attended the gathering but it was a small group. When DH’s parents died he sent a thank you to everyone. When my mother died I sent only to those who gave a gift. I usually keep the cards in a pile for awhile and then someday when I’m cleaning up the clutter I throw them out. If some card has a particularly special personal note I might keep that indefinitely.

I think you would wonder if you sent a card with a gift enclosed and never received a thank you from the recipient. Dee, maybe someday you will be able to look at the cards and acknowledge if needed. I received some that included very nostalgic, heartwarming messages. Though they made me cry I’m very appreciative to have received them.

I still have the many cards that we received after the deaths of my parents (over 20 and 24 years ago.) The cards are in a big envelope inside the books that were signed by those who attended the viewings and funeral Masses. I have no idea how long you are suppose to keep the books? There are also copies of the obituaries and clippings of some newspaper articles that were written at the times of their deaths in the books.

The book is in a drawer where we store stuff that we have no idea what else to do with. Like our wedding book.

eta: we sent Thank You notes to those who bought food to the house, contributions to the charities my parents chose and those who sent flowers. And to those who went above and beyond by taking time for a special visit or doing something nice for us. We did not send thank you notes to those who sent cards.

I don't always send a card - I kind of trust my gut to tell me when I "feel " it. That said, though, I do recall being so touched when I received cards when I went through some losses.

And yes, I still have a folder of cards received when my Dad passed in the early 1990's.

Any act of acknowledgement was extremely appreciated and memorable.

When my Mom passed, we got very few cards and a ton of emails instead. I think it was because my sister had sent out a mass mailing to announce the loss and the condolences she received in response were forwarded to all of us sisters as well. With family and friends placed all over the country, it was a win win for everyone.

Hhireno, it is not customary here to send money. We asked those who wished to could donate to Alzheimer’s research, and we received notifications from the organization for those. Maybe it’s time to open them.

I received many cards when my husband died. He had a large circle of people who loved him and knew him through his work/career. I didn't know many of them and it was wonderful to read the things they wrote about him to me. Just knowing how much that meant to me, I always write something personal. If I didn't know the deceased and just the survivor(s), I still try to write something personal, like maybe: "It's never easy to lose one's mother and I know yours was very special, based on what you've told me about her." Or something similar. It can be challenging to find the words when the deceased was a difficult presence in the survivor's life, but I still try.

I keep a plethora of cards, including sympathy, so I can try to have a card with an appropriate message, so I'm not in the position of only having a card that reads something about "being gone too soon" when someone's 99 year old father dies. If I don't have the right card, I keep lots of nice blank cards and will write my own sentiment.

Dee, it might still be difficult to open them but maybe you’ll find some comfort and peace in the messages people wrote. I hope so.

I mentioned the cash and checks because of my recent experience, not to stress you out about your cards. I apologize if you found my comments upsetting.

I was surprised by the number of people who put their memorial donation, in cash or check, in with the sympathy cards. I suppose they felt it was easier than mailing a second envelop to the church (where the donations are being collected).

My advice is to send a card. If you know multiple members of the family well, then send multiple cards. I work in the death industry and even in close families there is often some disagreement and the cards might not be shared.

A call or a card several months later is also a very kind gesture. People grieve for much longer than many of us remember.

If I attend the funeral I still send a sympathy card addressed to the family. If I happen to be close to other family members then I will send them a card too. I usually try to write a personal note inside the card.

I haven't kept any of the cards that I received when my father died 12 years ago. I held on to them for awhile but then realized that I just kept moving them from one storage box to another.

My Experience with both my parents in 1988 and this past August is similar to hhireno's. Despite requests for memorial donations instead of cash, we received cash with their sympathy cards, and two people did include checks made out to the Charity for us to forward last summer when my mom died. I sent thank you cards to everyone who sent a card.

I have all the cards and memorials from both my parents and my brother's funerals. They don't take up that much space.

If I have attended a ceremony then I don't send a card. Exception being for family/friends that I'm close to who weren't able to attend the ceremony.

Always a personal note.

I buy as needed although I always have blank cards on hand that I can write my own sentiment on.

I have not kept the sympathy cards that I've received.

Please, everyone, don't write anything like what one of my employees wrote on a sympathy card from my co-workers when my dad died: "Sometimes these things are for the best." Yes, he had been sick. Yes, we knew it was coming. But he was my dad! It was one of the cruelest things that anyone has ever "said" to me.

so sorry rosesstink, ask the florist or the funeral home if you need help with words of mourning.

My experience with my dad's death duplicates Linelle's. I thought surely you don't send a thank you card for a sympathy card. Googled it, found out you do. Found the experience extremely cathartic.

I bring a card with me to the viewing/visitation or funeral service as I don't always have an address. If I do have an address, I'll send the card to the home. In my family, it is customary to include cash, but I don't do it for friends.

I buy inexpensive cards at Dollar General -- 50 cents to $1.00 each. Their senitments are as good as the expensive cards. If I have a card, I'll send it -- if I have to go buy one, it's usually a couple of weeks after and I feel that perhaps that is not a good time to send a card -- it needs to be closer to the time.

If I know more than one person really well, yes, I would send one to all who I know well -- addressed to them specifically. But that rarely happens.

I ALWAYS had a personal note. If you're sending a card, you must know them and can write a little something. I can't tell you how many times people have commented about what a comfort my comment was and they didn't know that little detail about "whomever".

I send more cards than visitations or funerals. You go to funerals for two reasons -- because you knew the deceased or because you're friends with a relative of the deceased and you're there to support them in their time of sorrow. Often, the deceased is someone I knew but not well enough to go to the funeral or I knew the relative of the deceased but didn't go to the funeral. And of course, there are times also where the date of the funeral doesn't fit my schedule and i am unable to attend.

It is interesting to hear all the nuances around this subject. Growing up in a military family oddly enough funerals were not in my experience. Deceased soldiers are sent home. Relatives are far far away. What I have experienced in adulthood is everyone brings a card either to the viewing or the funeral, not both even if attending both. If not attending; sympathy cards are mailed. Money is COMMONLY enclosed in these cards. It doesn't matter what the obituary suggested people will do what is EASIEST and that is enclosing the memorial donation with the sympathy card. This leaves the family free to do with it what works FOR THEM. To expect people to send two cards one for the family one to the church is very unusual in my experience. Perhaps life isn't as formal here? I have never thought about the idea of sending multiple cards to family members. I think one card addressed to all is sufficient but of course sending a separate more personal card to a family member you are very close to would never be wrong. Immediate family of some configuration typically gather and go through all the cards for thanking purposes so all see the main card. Gifts are noted and decisions on distribution are made at this time. Not all families have money for the funeral which are INSANELY expensive. I find to give w/o direction as to where the money will go seems easiest for the family to deal with. The reality of what to do with all the cards/guest book/extras is something to think about when sending these cards. When my in-laws died we distributed boxes and boxes of family photos/slides to each sibling to condense/put on DVD/redistribute. No one has followed through and I for one would love to DUMP the box we have. I don't know who got the joy of being the keeper of the sympathy cards etc...but I am guessing they are taking up space better used for anything else. Again 20 years of military life-keeping things--just to move them across country every two years-- is just not in my wheel house.

To clarify, it’s not another sympathy card being sent to the church, it’s where the memorial donation should be sent. Many people complied with that request by dropping a check in an envelope and mailing it to the church directly. Some dropped their memorial donation off when they attended the funeral service. And a few included it in the card to the family. The money is going to the church for a special project.

When my Dad died, after reading the card I threw it out. I knew I would never look at them again. I did keep a list of who sent a card, a card with a special note or message, a gift, a memorial donation, or did something above and beyond expectations. I sent thank you notes to everyone except the card senders who only signed their names. I still recall, 15 years later, how surprised I was by some the memories people shared in their cards.