Individual churches provide the dinners. The American legion Post does, too. I wanted to give back by cooking, serving the meal, cleaning up afterwards etc. I was even a team leader for a few years. We had started taking some short cuts. Buying the fried chicken or a meatloaf from a restaurant in town. Several people would give $$ which always was appreciated. Maybe a monetary donation from you would help you feel better and help them too. Don't do it because you think you "have" to.

Our organist also owns the local flower shop. So not only would she play the music she worked long hours doing the flower arrangements and she almost always helped at the dinners. I wouldn't have been upset though if she hadn't.

I think you're being more self-protective than self-centered. You've given your share of your life and being to the church, and you really have done enough. They have a need, so they're trying to get in anybody reliable, whereas what they should be doing is cultivating those younger people who think they have no time, but who could make time if they felt ownership. The trick is to get them to help a little. Then help a little bit more. Then take charge. Or as my father would say, "It's time to step back and let the young guns take over." Unfortunately, this is easier to do when the older guns aren't that much older than the young, and haven't become thoroughly entrenched. If any responsibility for the handover falls to you, however, it would be to consult with the newer musicians on what has worked well, musically, in the past, and what has failed. Not a whole different part of the volunteer service.

I live in a large urban area, and am Jewish, so the customs are probably very different all around. The burial is usually pretty far from where the friends and family live. In addition, part of the ritual is to have seven days of prayers in the home. Usually, right after the service there's a reception at the house, or if there were separate houses, the house of the chief mourner(s). Lots of people bring or send food, and the close family members make sure there's a spread, whether they make it, buy platters (which is easy to do, here), or have a caterer. People stay and keep company, and come in and out open house style, and many stay through evening prayers. There are usually new dishes coming, and empty ones going.

Sometimes, if there's only a very small group of mourners, and if they're all too spread out to gather at the family home, there will be a meal in a restaurant right after the service. This is usually arranged by the mourning family, but people chip in for their own meals. Neighbors (beyond those who would have gone to the funeral) come to the close mourners for evening prayers, or else they're done at the synagogue. Throughout the week, people come for the prayers (you need ten adults (or men if you're old fashioned), and bring more food, primarily for the family, but nibbles and sweets are also set out for the visitors.Your church luncheons sound fine, but why do the ladies need to serve? The sisterhood, or whatever you call it, could hire someone on an as needed basis to set up and clean up, and make the coffee, and even bring in the family's contribution to the food. If the family can afford it, they can pay for the day, and if not, you can put out a can for donations. Or you can get responsible high school students to do it for volunteer credits.

I think I remember you posting about retiring from the music gigs. Yes? If I'm right, I'm glad you were able to get things worked out so you're not in that situation anymore.

I agree with the others, regardless of the situation, you're not obligated to participate and it doesn't make you a bad person if you choose to spend your days doing something else. Just say no. :c)

Since you asked how funeral luncheons are done... in this area any luncheon or gathering following a funeral is completely the responsibility of whoever wants to do it, and it's never at a church! Invitations are given verbally to the appropriate individuals at the wake (e.g., family members and close friends). The location is either someone's home (for smaller groups), or for larger groups it might be held at a restaurant where all food is purchased, or at a larger facility that can be rented and food/drinks can be brought in. It's typically the family members and close friends that provide all the food (i.e., mostly homemade).

Picture bug, don't feel bad about not wanting to help. If it is anything like ours there are only certain ones that always do all the work. It gets very old. You should be able to do things your way at this point. Don't feel bad.

i live in a small community and go to a small church. Most of us are getting up in years. The family sure ta the type meat that they want and the ladies put together the rest. The family usually make a donation to the church. It becomes a lot of work for a small group of ladies. Our problem is one or two want to take most of the credit. Certain ones would never be on the cleanup duty. Kind of sad.

When my grandparents passed away last fall the family catered the lunches at the community hall. The ladies who put on these lunches were reasonably priced and do the set up and clean up. My grandparents belonged to a church but as far as I know they do not do any sort of catering for events. After the viewing the immediate family gathered at my parents home and everyone brought a little something. When my other grandmother passed the lunch was catered at the church, I believe the family paid/donated to the church to have this put on. I agree that times and traditions are changing. I agree that young people are not involved in community or church activities like they were in my grandparents or even parents generations. Or maybe it is they types of volunteering has changed from church projects to cancer fundraisers or other types fundraising. Used to be you would get a knock on your door from a ladies auxiliary for flowers for a towns person. Now its sponsor me for walks or runs, or other such thing. Anyway as has been stated before I wound not feel bad about not wanted to help with lunches. Perhaps you could suggest to your church they could find someone in your area who wants to create or has a business catering lunches hosted at the church paid by the families. In my small town there are the ladies from the legion, and a group of church ladies that charge, and the business that my family went with. Also there are a few restaurant that will cater. There are choices out there for families they do not need to depend on church volunteers. Stay strong, it sounds like you gave your share of time life is too short to invite grief or stress into your life.

+1 on "more self-protective than self-centered"

+1 on "if they're asking, that implies you can say no"

Thanks for the comments. OP here. I played at many funerals. In the past couple years we lost several relatives, close friends and a business partner, some at relatively young ages. Due to some extenuating circumstances, it's made me numb so I don't mourn when people die. People live, people die, life goes on. I've gotten so I don't care about funerals. People put forth so much effort for a nice church funeral, but they didn't care about showing up for church when they lived. I've become a bit heartless and callous I guess.

Our church is a small church, if the family requests a meal it is provided and it is not a lunch it is a big meal with certain ladies being asked to provide certain things. I am usually asked to bring so many pies and once also asked to bring yeast rolls too, which I gladly did. One daughter is asked to bring mac and cheese. When a meal is needed the church members are contacted and they have a list of what is needed and it is provided. For many years my Mother was in charge of this. Now, it is the minister's wife. There are all ages of women and men in the church who help with the meals. Our church has a very nice new kitchen and place to eat in the basement of the church. When my Mother was 91, I requested a pitch in birthday meal after church and they really came with so much food and of course we had lots of family to come and they all brought food, so at least our church and others do really help out. I have already told them I want a meal when I go, but I will not be providing any pies :)

Sue

I live in an urban area and I can't remember the last time I was at a funeral in a church. Most of what I attend are memorial gatherings at golf clubs or country clubs and the family pays for appetizers, coffee and wine.

You have every right to say no. I don't think that guilt should ever be the driving force for volunteer work because resentment isn't far behind.

My family is agnostic and don't worship in a church like so many of you do. When my in-laws passed away this spring, we all (family, friends and neighbors) gathered here at our home the day before the funeral (at the veterans cemetery, not a church) for a potluck dinner. We passed around old pictures of the folks and shared stories. There was lots of laughter and a few tears. We all went to lunch at a restaurant after the service.

To the OP, it sounds like you've been called upon to the point that it's no longer a gracious service for you. I agree with the others, just say no and hold no guilt for doing so.

The church I am familiar with, Quaker (Friends), does it like a pot luck. I don't like to go to funerals either, but I do it as support to the family.

Do not volunteer under duress. Volunteering should be something you do happily and willingly, especially if it's for recurring events. As far as it falling on the other older ladies, they have every right to say no as well so assume they enjoy doing it and don't feel guilty......after all, you've done your fair share in another capacity for years.

New York resident here. I have never been to a luncheon provided by a church. All lunches were at restaurants at the expense of the family. After the graveside, someone usually announces that all are invited to so and so restaurant,

i also remember your post and am glad to see that you were able to cut back on your music schedule.

I agree too that you should only do what you willingly want to do and never feel obligated. You have been with this church for so long it makes sense that the pull of it is very strong.

i would only attend funerals of those I know. I'm not Christian, and don't know how these small churches work. Do all members routinely go to all funerals?

Recipients of recurring "donations", whether it's money or volunteering time, tend to assume that any particular individual's largess will continue without interruption. It can often be taken for granted. Continued participation in what you've been doing is a choice, not an obligation.

I too have no religious belief or activity, that seems to be increasingly the case in my area. The last death commemoration I went to was terrific - the decedent told his 4 children that he wanted no funeral, but rather he gave specific instructions about hosting a party 3 months after his passing (and he segregated funds in his accounts to cover the cost). The outdoor patio at a local brew pub was booked, and an open bar for beer and wine was provided together with a buffet lunch. Brief eulogies and a slide show were presented by family members. There were perhaps 150 people there and in the end it was a happy occasion to celebrate a happy life.

Elledi61, not all members attend every funeral. Most attend the visitation Or the funeral. Both of my parents were active members of their church for over 50 years. My grandparents went to the same church and so did my great grandparents. When I was a team leader I would contact a family member to get an idea of how many family members would be attending the dinner. Then add in the pallbearers and the color guard if they were having a military service. Up until recently our American Legion had a local color guard. I think now they send one from the National Veterans cemetery that is in Bloomfield, MO, about 45 miles from here. We don't feed everyone that attends the funeral, just the ones I mentioned above.

I never heard of churches putting on funeral lunches. Even for grandmother, who was well-established with her church for decades (all of us relatives came in from out of state for the funeral). Maybe it's a denominational thing?

Neighbors and friends bring food, but they do this as individuals.

30 years ago my sister was widowed with two small children. It was sudden and it hit our family HARD. Even back then her parish had run out of women willing to provide the funeral luncheon that was considered obligatory in our part of the world. Since that event and KNOWING how inconvenient for the family it is, to have to deal with THAT detail at that time of life I have been vigilant about helping my parish with funerals. For years I washed all the table cloths as I was unable to help at the event. Perhaps it is a mid west 'THING', the funeral lunch..but it seems common courtesy, hospitality to feed visitors and it seems communities owe it to grieving families to help them with his burden. Perhaps it has been years since the deceased was an active part of the parish, but chances are they paid forward and gave back when they could. It is a "Corporeal Act of Mercy" to bury the dead..I think that extends to hospitality of the grieving. It saddens me greatly that with more and more working women, families soooo consumed with leisure there is little time in the lives of the living to provide this service. Do I think this service should be relegated to the most aged in a parish, NO!! Sadly for society these wonderful church ladies are the only one left who "GET" the importance of this service and know it is worth their time.

I very, very rarely attend funerals. I have only gone twice in the last twenty plus years. One was by special request of a friend whose father had died and the other was a small service for my mother in the funeral home's chapel. I live in an area where there is a great deal of religious diversity and more and people I know are choosing cremation and perhaps a small memorial gathering of close family and friends similar to what PKponder and Snidely describe if they do anything at all. The friend who had us attend her dad's funeral hosted a dinner for any who wished to attend after the funeral at her dad's favorite restaurant.

If I want to pay my respects to someone I know, I often slip in for a few moments at visitation and call it good.

I don't mourn people when they die. My reflections on my relationship to those I care about come at later times through my fond memories of them.

It is done several ways....for my first husband, the ladies of the church provided a nice meal at the church...for my second husband, the ladies of the HOA provided a sandwich/dessert luncheon at the Club House. When I was at my former town, the members of the "ladies aide" made the meals, but the family made us a nice donation. So I think it depends if you are in a large city or rural community. Unless it is family or very close friend, I usually go to visitation instead of the actual funeral so I can speak with the family members.

Arcy, my grandmother lived all her life in Louisville, KY, and she passed away mid-1980's. There was no church luncheon. I do think this counts as Midwest. I do wonder if it is a denominational thing, even in the Midwest? (She was Roman Catholic.)

I like the idea of it being friends and neighbors of the deceased offering this comfort, rather than a church-appointed thing.

After the pastor lambasted my mother (where we lived in NY state) for only having two children, 7.5 years apart, while my mother remained devout in her own way, she saw no point in participating further in church functions. (My mother's medical history was NOT remotely that guy's business! Especially NOT with that 'tude!) We gave her a church service, and it was the neighbors on the road who brought over more food than we could ever eat.

My father was agnostic, and in the last ten years of his life, basically became a "devout" atheist. He didn't want a religious ceremony at his end. He passed less than a year ago. We respected his wishes, too, just as he and we respected Mom's.

Again, neighbors came to the ready.

So, from my perspective, it is worth it to be a good neighbor. Lend a hand, bring over a meal that doesn't need to be eaten asap -- bring over a fruit bowl -- and don't wait for the auspices of a church to do this for you. (As if in an assignment!) You knew this person well enough -- you were a friend, or you live in the house across the street and you talk often -- that's where the choice of generosity comes from.

(As for myself, I left the church of my birth years ago, but I do follow a spiritual path.)

I have lived all my life in the mid-south. And I've attended many funerals. I've never been to one where they announced afterwards that lunch would be at some restaurant. Also, I have never been to one where the family had any meals catered.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen here, just saying I've never experienced it.

If the deceased was a member of a church, usually a meal is served at that church. Depending on what time the services are, it could be before or after. Usually, the members bring food and it's a potluck.

As expensive as funerals are, I just can't imagine the bereaved family having to pay for catering or eating out!

I think it also depends on the culture of family. The post funeral meal I went to was huge because the man who passed away was Filipino. The service had humor, a guitarist played several pieces, and real memories of him were told by his children and grandchild. He was quite the character and they didn't do a "cleaned up" eulogy. In their culture the family hosts a huge dinner. Death is not anywhere near as solemn an occasion. It is actually quite merry. Almost like a wedding reception. The difference is that people tend to chat and tell stories about the dead. So it's a bit of a wake, a party and a send off. I think the whole family contributes to make this happen. I will have to ask her.

I don't live in a tiny community but my experiences have been on par with what pudgeder wrote.

IF the person who passed was an active member of their church then the church would have a meal for the family, and members of the church would bring various dishes.

I've never been to a funeral where a meal was provided for all attendees, its always only been for the family so they didn't have to worry about trying to cook while grieving and the family was never expected to cater or pay at a restaurant for others.

My take on it was always that it was a way for the religious community to support the bereaved in a time of need.

Of course we also don't have weddings that last for hours on end with meals provided either.

I suspect it is just a cultural difference.

When my husband died (very young and unexpectedly) 20 years ago, the memorial service was in a public building where he worked (he was a public servant), in the very beautiful, large, open lobby. He was in fire service and there were people from all over the state attending - a huge group of people. We are not church goers, but have a large circle of close friends and co-workers. I paid for much of the food and asked my friends to help prepare it, or bring a dish. I don't really remember what all we served (except cold prawns/shrimp), but it was lovely. Our circle of friends always pulls together to provide food for these situations. It's a great thing.

Here in Iowa, when a person has been a member of a church, we have a reception in the basement right after the funeral. Everyone who attends the service is invited. The church ladies provide salads and desserts, coffee, tea and lemonade. If the family wants sandwiches, they pay a grocery store to cater them. The church has a nice set of cups and plates that are used for wedding and funeral receptions. I am active in my church and I only attend funerals of those I know. I enjoy providing a dessert for the reception but we have enough members that we are only asked once a year or so. When I lived in California, there were not receptions after funerals.

I come from a family in a state where farming was a big part of the history. Customs were developed in the days when people would not be in a major metropolitan area. When someone on the farm died there were multiple hardships. First, the death of the person meant someone was not able to perform the chores on the farm. Another hardship could be that if it was the cook in the family, there was the obvious hardship. And to attend a funeral often meant traveling a long distance for many people and it wasn't just fly in and rent a car, or drive a few minutes or a few hours. It was horse and buggy and slow going. SO, therein lies history of how some of the traditions started. Bringing food to the family helped them out. Today, obviously, that is not such a big issue since you can buy ready made meals, get deliveries and more. The idea of a "lunch" after a funeral was to feed the travelers. Many would come a long distance and there weren't the drive-thru windows and restaurants along the way to grab something. Packing food for the trip was inconvenient so it was a nice gesture to feed them before they would leave. Again, this tradition has become obsolete as to necessity but a lot of people like to go with the old traditions.

Seldom in a metro area have I experienced the food after the funeral. Often funerals are held in funeral homes and they don't have catering facilities. (Although I imagine the crematory could make a wicked pizza oven!)

Smaller towns however it often is the norm to serve something, usually at the church or at some other place. Most of the small churches have kitchen facilities. There's still usually a "Ladies Aid" or "Ladies Axillary" who handle the food in various ways. Either they make it or they buy it, depending on the place. Otherwise, they're often catered. However catering isn't always like a huge formal wedding type of catering. For instance at my aunt's funeral it was "catered". The caterer provided an electric roaster full of scalloped potatoes and ham, canned corn, apple crisp, bread and butter, coffee, water and I believe something like a punch or lemonade. Not fancy but it met the tradition.

When people close to me die, one of the last things I'm thinking about is eating. I really don't appreciate when people bring food for several reasons. Often it's not stuff I like or even should be eating (canned glop green bean salad for instance) and I'm just not hungry. I don't have to keep my energy levels going for farm chores. Things have changed.

I agree with Archie Bunker on things I really dislike. Hospitals, weddings, funerals and opera. I don't like the morbidity of most traditional funerals. I prefer the "celebration of life" type of memorial. One of the best memorials I've attended was at a good friend's service. He was a television broadcaster for a long, long time and was inducted into the Broadcasting Hall of Fame. The Hall of Fame respected him so much they invited the widow to have the memorial at their building and they opened it special for that use. They also put together a great compilation of some of his broadcasting over the years and made room for chairs to have a sharing of memories and some of the other "celebrities", family and friends shared stories about him. It was hilarious and heart-warming. For food, the widow felt there needed to be refreshments so there were snacks, sandwiches, cake, etc. They had some of his items from his military service, old publicity items and the like. Sad to lose a good friend but he lived a long and very full life. He was catholic but became a reformed agnostic. So he was cremated. They also had a similar service in the small town where he lived the last 15 years or so and a priest or minister participated in that memorial but, being nearly 4 hours away, and with physical issues I couldn't attend that one too.

Long-winded, I know, but the point I'm making is that traditions have changed a lot over the years, primarily due to peoples' choices, sometimes peoples' selfishness and a lot because the old ways just aren't needed anymore.

Around here, funeral luncheons are held at a restaurant or country club (I chose the latter when DH died) . and invitation to luncheon is announced at the end of graveside services.

And I forgot to mention that when the church ladies do the lunches, they are NOT free. They fully expect to be paid. I believe it's essentially to cover food and the rest goes toward buying things they would need (dishes, cookware, etc. The people are not paid for their time. Seems to me they should at least be given some flowers to take home if they want.