In my area, there are 3 parts to a funeral: a wake, the funeral (mass or church service) and a luncheon after the funeral (generally for close friends and family members). Depending on your relationship, one would choose which part to attend. To me, the funeral ritual is for the living. If the daughter is your friend--go and support her.

Funerals are for the survivors. Some go to pray for the deceased, many go to support the survivors. My in-laws died 30 days apart. Father first, his funeral was HUGE. She was the social butterfly. People came for HER. When she died the crowd was smaller. Due to church constraints we had cookies and punch vs a meal. The meal after the funeral in my world is for EVERYONE who attends the funeral. The burial not mentioned above is usually between the funeral and luncheon. That may be a smaller crowd/family only depending on the situation. When does one decided to go? Go if you feel the pull. You know when you feel you "should" be there.

I was raised Catholic and most of our extended family and friends from hometowns are Catholic. Yes, I would go if I could to the funeral Mass for a friend's parent. It meant a lot to us that so many people came out to our mother's funeral. If you can't go to the Mass due to the time of work, then at least go to the wake or a prayer service. Send a card, flowers, or make a donation based on family's wishes.

We will often attend the wake but not the funeral of people we know, but not close enough for the full blown funeral which tends to be more for family and close friends. A card or a donation to the charity the family has chosen is also a nice way of letting them know you are thinking of them.

I agree with Annie, and it is what we usually do.

Side story: A former neighbor's husband died after a long struggle with brain cancer. I heard through a friend and went with her to the wake. it was huge as they grew up in this town and both husband and wife were very active in the community.

The same friend calls and tells me that the same neighbor's mother passed away. She found out because she was looking for information on the funeral home's website.

She asked me if I wanted to go. I declined. it seems to me that if you are so far removed that you find out by chance, you are obviously not involved enough with the family. You can't go wrong by going and offering your condolences, it is just that as Lizzie points out, as we age funerals are becoming more common in our circle and it's important to create your own guidelines.

As Arcy stated, "You know when you feel you should be there."

Most often I will go to the funeral but not attend the calling hours. Growing up going to calling hours and the funeral for family and friends was just expected and excepted. Now days I choose, and I admit I don't attend either all that often anymore unless it is a special family member, acquaintance, or friend.

I kind of struggle with this. First, there are so many versions of a funeral or life celebration these days. I have friends of all faiths and many who are not religious. So what part to attend or go to all functions? I recently went to a Catholic service but did not go to the cemetery or luncheon after. The deceased was a pretty good friend, but I did not know her children at all. My cousin died and they just had a "visitation" with the family. It was in a town about an hour away and for some unknown reason they had it when people had to drive through rush hour in the dead of winter to get there. I did not go since it sounded like all I would be doing was filing through and expressing condolences. I would have gone if it had not been a challenge to get there.

Another friend died at age 104. She has a pistol during her life and I was quite fond of her. I went to that service and was glad I did. There were only 17 people there.

I also am indecisive about whether or not to go. I go if the survivors are important to me. In that case I usually go to the luncheon as well. I also go when the deceased was important to me but if I don't know the family, I sometimes skip the extracurricular activities.

I like Life Celebrations where there is just a luncheon where people remember the deceased by chatting and sharing memories.

An interesting discussion and it seems the general consensus is that attendance is linked to closeness and consideration for the survivors. I will base my future decisions on that criteria.

I also go to support friends or if I knew the deceased well. I need to have been close to either the survivors or the person who died to attend any luncheon.

It's okay to attend the visitation that is usually before the rosary. Sign the book, speak to the survivors, then it's okay to leave.

We go to the visitations, talk to the survivors, sign the book and then leave. Small town so we go if we know the family or the person that has died. This has been a bad year, have already gone to 10 and have one to go to on Wed.

Thank you for your thoughtful input!