I don't think that a luncheon is in any way necessary or even expected.

You might ask the funeral home for some advice, and they may be able to recommend some place close by for just coffee and cake, something simple. But no, big luncheons are not expected.

Don't beat yourself up about it. No service at all is more common than you might realize.

My mother and I had no service for my grandmother. She was 92 and had been in a nursing home for several years. She was bright and mentally sharp until the very end but our immediate family is small and the rest are quite far flung. She outlived most of her friends and hadn't been to church in many years. We didn't even discuss it we just looked at each other and shook our heads. Neither of us had the emotional energy to deal with a service and lunch. We said our loving goodbyes privately. She lives on in our hearts and memories.

Perhaps there is a hall with a kitchen near by that can be used for few hours for a small fee. Cake, coffee, soft drinks, crudites, fruit and cheese.

Why would a luncheon be necessary? If it was an afternoon funeral, for instance, a luncheon would be inappropriate. A few months ago my DH's aunt passed away, and her funeral was in the afternoon. Afterwards there was coffee and cake in the funeral home's parlor. No-one thought anything about this, it simply wasn't an issue. There weren't many attendees and the cousins could well have afforded to take everyone to a restaurant for a meal but it never occurred to anyone it would be required.

I see your points. I have never been to a relative's funeral where lunch was not served, sometimes to 150 people, so I guess it didn't occur to me that it wasn't necessary. Funeral luncheons in my family were always very big affairs, either in restaurants or church halls, especially for the old folks. But, that was when most of the family lived within an hour's ride of each other, whereas now we are far-flung. It still seems impossible to ask my cousins to drive 100+ miles round trip, attend a ceremony and not feed them.

I think maybe it will be just phone calls to cousins, gathering only my own children and grandchildren, perhaps a niece and nephew, to celebrate her life. My brothers may not even fly in. She is as healthy as the proverbial horse and may well out-live me. Who knows?

Thanks for helping me think about this. It must be the rainy day.....

Sherry

Could you perhaps have a short graveside service about 1:00 for your brothers and cousins? I see no reason a luncheon would be expected or even thought about if you did.

Just wanted to add that while your mother still remembers so much of the past, you might want to record it for future generations. You could take a small tape recorder on your visits and ask questions that would lead her to tell you about her past memories. Later you could put them on paper. Its a shame more people don't do this because you'd be surprised how interesting it is. I wish I'd been able to do this with my Gran'mam from Austria and maybe today we would know where my Grandpa was born in Austria. Its a total dead end. We can't even find out which reservation my DH's grandfather spent his summers on and no one has any memories of which one it was. It really would be a wonderful thing to do for yourself and her decendants.

She's already done it, bcskye! She was always the family historian, so it's all down on paper, as far back as her great-grandmothers and my father's parents. If she knew details of a person's birth weight and time, special circumstances, she included it - and still remembers them! We are a fortunate family in that regard.

Sherry

Sherrmann, I'm just reading between the lines, but it sounds to me like you would like to have a gathering of some kind. I will throw a few ideas out here for you to consider.

Mind you this is not good old home cooking but it gets the job done, and everyone likes to eat and visit after funerals and such.

Subway Sandwiches makes 6' subs, any way you like them. You pick the meat and cheeses that you want on them, the lettuce, tomato and other vegetables are on a platter on the side. They provide the condiments too. They will slice them for you and they are supposed to feed 20-25 people. Included is some plastic ware and napkins. They also have cookies that you can purchase. Our local subway charges 65.94 for the above. The cookies are extra. You should call the day before to order.

You may also consider buying some pizzas. If you have a Little Caesars near you they have large pepperoni pizzas for $5.00. I don't know how many servings per pie, but you could probably figure it out pretty close to what you'd need. And you should probably call ahead, so there would be enough already prepared.

Depending on the time of year you could go to a park, or maybe be able to use the towns community hall, for a small fee.

So it can be done much cheaper than the $750-$1200 you would pay at a restaurant. It would just be fast food, but it doesn't hurt on occasion.

Oh, and I don't have any interest in either of these places, I've just had to get together lots of food in a short amount of time! We had two 6' subs for my grandsons BD/DD's surprise engagement party and they fed well over 50 people. We also had potato salad, chips, drinks and cake. It was held at a local park that had large shelter houses. No cost, just had to reserve it in advance.

I have been where you are. Peace.

Di

Please dont' skip a funeral....many need that sort of closure.
As fora funeral lunch...I can do a very nice lunch for about $1.50 a person...but of course I use volunteer labor.
Most funeral homes have a place for a post service meal....and mostly the cost is covered by the funeral charges if you use the room or not.
You could easily make and transport little chicken salad sandwiches, ham salad sandwiches, perhaps pimento cheese sandwiches, cookies and bars and coffee and tea.
A friend died last week and the service will be next Sunday at our church at 2:00 P. M....and I will do just that. Friends will be making cookies and bars, I'll make little chicken salad sandwiches and cut up some fruit and put it on picks....and serve coffee and tea. cookies will be donated by friends and I expect the whole cost will be about $35 for 100 people.
Not a big deal....if you have volunteer help.
Linda C

I assume you are looking restaurant b/c no one lives nearby to "host." How about having everyone back to the nursing home? We used to celebrate Thanksgiving with my grandmother at her nursing home, and I have great memories of that. It had never been done before us, but after us, lots of families followed suit. Also, while I expect it's probably not been done at my in-laws Assisted Living Center, I bet they'd be happy to accommodate us, if we requested it.

I expect if you do the food "off-hours" slightly (between resident lunch and dinner) you could use their dining room, and bring in subs or pizza as Di suggests, or leverage some of Lindac's suggestions. There might be a small charge for clean-up services, but then again, there might not.

I think it's great you are planning ahead, and hope it's a long time before you have to host this event.

When my mother died, their church ladies put together a luncheon, as they do for every funeral. My mother was cremated, so there was no burial until some months later in Maine. At that time we had a small service and then a luncheon at my mother's favorite restaurant for the two dozen or so family and friends who could make it and we all had a wonderful time.

When my father died, we had the funeral in the chapel and then a luncheon at the retirement community where he lived. Their catering service put it together and it wasn't too expensive, and a lot of people who were at the service didn't stay for lunch. It was sandwiches and salads and desserts. Nothing fancy.

My dad was also cremated and buried next to my mom, and we had another small service and a luncheon, in Maine, at his favorite restaurant with family and friends who could come, maybe 12 to 18 people. It was such a comfort having it so small, we could all talk and reminisce and we all had a good visit with each other.

I know a lot of local grocery stores have catering departments and will assemble trays that might meet your needs. Sandwiches, meats, salads, fruit, desserts, etc, and it's generally not very expensive at all.

You could bring it back to her facility, since most of the staff and residents there know your mom and would probably like to honor her in some way even though they can't make it to the funeral. This would be a nice way to include them.

Thanks for all the good suggestions. My thinking was stuck inside the box! I never would have thought about the nursing home, but I will now. All the things you folks have suggested would be great foods. And you're right, people like to linger and talk after funerals. How many times do we say, "We only see each other at weddings and funerals"?

I so appreciate all your suggestions. I've been thinking about this for a couple years now, and wish I'd asked sooner! Whatever we do when the time comes, whether we have a service or not, I won't be completely stymied. Thank you very much.

Sherry

Sherry, good luck when the time comes, and God willing that it does not come soon!

here's another vote for the nursing home. Our local home has a special room that they use especially for family gatherings and it's quite large. We just had a birthday party there for a neighbor who turned 94 and they have an Easter Egg hunt there every year for kids, a lot of social activities that the residents enjoy. We're in a small community and do not have any halls or facilities for a large gathering, not even a covered pavilion in the local park. The Senior Citizen Center and the nursing home have the best facilities, actually!

Even a simple cake and coffee type gathering afterward would be nice, so people could get together and talk, remember your Mom and celebrate her life.

Just as an aside, I attend the Methodist church here. We'll throw a funeral lunch for anyone, they don't have to be a member, but most people are hesitant to ask if they haven't attended here.

Annie

Sherry:
If you are in a small Community, talk to the Local Volunteer Fire Co. Chief or a Fireman,
if you know one, or ask around.
They usually have a nice Hall, kitchen and are glad to help.
, if you explain your circumstances.

They know everything that is going on, in the vicinity,
because they work with the Police.

I know, because I was a Lieu of our Aerial Ladder in Del. County, PA.
They helped many and know the local Religious , Ministers or Priests, etc.to say the neccessary Services.

Worth a try ??? but get some help !!!
Lou

Another thing to remember is that you don't have to do it all yourself. Discuss this with some of your family who live the closest, they may have ideas as well. One of them might belong to a church with a hall you could use.

Don't forget about pot-luck, for the whole luncheon or just to augment the sandwiches or pizza (or whatever) you buy. It doesn't have to be a case of everybody bringing something, but if one family member brings the paper plates, another the punch, a side dish here and a side dish there, some cookies etc, you could round out what you purchase quite nicely.

Also, when your friends say, "If there's anything I can do, let me know," take them up on it! When planning an event during what is already an emotionally trying time, every little errand you can assign will make your load easier and your friends will be gratified at being able to help in small ways.

If cousin Rita can go to the party supply store and pick up paper table clothes for the hall tables, that's one less thing for you to deal with. Nephew Joe, who is so good with computers...get him to make up the directions/maps to email/send to folks from out of town.

Speaking of folks from out of town, if it doesn't seem too much like jumping the gun, it wouldn't be a bad idea to make up your potential guest list now, and check addresses/phone numbers so you have that info right to hand when needed.