We donate to the charity named in lieu of flowers, if there is one and more likely there is.

My mother said only two bouquets of flowers arrived for her DH #3's funeral....mine and one from their church. Ya never know what the turnout will be. I thought flowers were a safe bet and the more the better....a BIG display is really nice! I remember the ones I sent. HUGE lavender roses! Then they were donated to a nursing home or hospital.

If the obit say in lieu of flowers, that's what I send.

seagrass/linda_6, not this time. At least, I typically see it in the obituary, and it didn't say in lieu of flowers, etc. I like that idea though. So I'll keep an eye out for it.

nicole, I made a point not to skimp on the flowers, especially since she's so far from us in another state. Pure white flowers in a beautiful basket. It's really pretty. I'd love to have received it.

I send planters. Nice ones, in large ceramic bowls with at least 5 or 6 houseplants in it. I may be different from a lot of people, especially women, in that I think flowers are a waste of money, in my opinion only of course. I've told my husband and kids for years please don't spend money on flowers that will die in a week. They are beautiful, but it's just such a waste of money to me.

My sister has two beautiful planters at her house right now that the rest of our siblings and I went together on and sent to her DH when his parents died, about 2 years apart. They still have them. My other BIL has one for when his mom died, and my SIL in GA has one from when her dad died.

Oh. please, no live plants! The family has to haul them around, probably cleaning out the deceased's living quarters, just something else to take care of. Unless you KNOW that's specifically what the family wants, please don't give another burden.

I try to tailor what I send to the person to whom it is being sent. Recently, I sent a memory music box, and the recipient was thrilled with it. You can get them engraved, or with a space for a photo of the loved one.

I prefer plants to flowers. I have had a basket-full of varied small plants sent, so that each member of the family could have their own plant. This is especially appreciated if there are a number of family members who live separately.

In a one case when death was near, I made a religious quilt that was gender-neutral. The recipient requested that it be on display at the head of her casket; afterwards, the husband used the quilt. I received a touching thank-you letter from the woman, and an equally touching thank-you note from her DH after she passed.

When I lost my son, the most appreciated gift was from an internet friend--a memorial suncatcher. To this day (10 years later), it hangs in the window next to my computer, and it has brought me so much comfort. The flowers and cards are remembered...the suncatcher is cherished.

Rob, I wouldn't over-think this. If this is an office duty, I'd find and then use each time the same standard arrangement and let it go at that. Comments about contributions to a charity are for individual mourners in my mind.

I've never understood the"please make a contribution to xxxxx " tradition. And myself, have never done so.

I used to have that duty for our company years ago. We always sent flowers. I would stick to that. Taking it to a more personal level would not be appropriate for an organization.

Personally, I send flowers. When a friend recently passed away, I had a special arrangement made to highlight something she really loved. The family knew immediately who it was from because it was so personal. If I cannot attend, I spend extra on the arrangement and ask to closely match the other flowers unless I know I can request something more personal.

A "standard arrangement", same thing for every occasion, just means that the company & the person who does this task for the company are not thinking of the deceased or the survivor(s); they're just doing a chore.

There isn't that much "thinking" required, just a little bit of reflection & a choice selected according to the needs of the loved ones.

My dear aunt was a big-time gardener, outdoors & indoors, as is one of her daughters.

I knew that my aunt would have scolded me for being responsible for the destruction of living flowers, so I sent a succulent in bloom.

When family/loved ones will be traveling, an "in lieu of" donation or an arrangement would be a nice token or remembrance.

No live plants. This is the time for a flower arrangement and/or donation to the charity designated by the family.

A flower arrangement that can be repurposed and given to a church or senior center until they wilt away can serve to bring comfort AND make other people happy with their presence.

To clarify, I sent the planters to their homes.

From a business, I would expect a floral offering or a sympathy card signed by co-workers. I agree that carting a plant home from a funeral is an unnecessary burden.

fil just passed last week...(really small town il) the few tributes we received, were either for vfw, or the church....(not many people when you're 93) one flower arrangement....1 misc...(and I sent thank you cards already...)

(((susanjf_gw, family, and friends))) I'm sorry to hear about your father in law's passing.

Susan, I'm very sorry for your loss. God bless his soul.

I used to have this office duty, too. I always sent a live plant to the service, except when I knew that the funeral was being held in a different town than the recipient lived. In that case, I sent fresh flowers.

I am sorry for your loss Susan. My sympathy to you and your family.

If an obit states "In lieu of", I always give to the requested charity. If it does not, I send an arrangement or plant.

The nursing homes and hospitals in my area do not accept floral arrangements or plants left from funerals.

Susan, I'm sorry for your loss. In my family, we all love flowers and plants and would welcome those at a time of loss. As for having to take plants back from the funeral, that is what the rest of us do so the immediate griever doesn't have to. If someone didn't want so many arrangements back at their house, we split them up and either enjoy them ourselves or donate them to a local nursing home. When my niece died, someone sent a planter with about 6 or 7 individual plants in it. Her sisters were thrilled to each have live plants they could keep and even shared it with me. I have that plant out in my yard and think of my niece whenever I look at it. It's a nice thing to do, in my opinion.

When someone in our office experienced a loss, the rest of us talked about how to acknowledge that loss. For example, our boss is very religious so we had a beautiful throw sent. It came on a stand and she loved it and still treasures it. I think it just takes a little thought and consideration of the person suffering the loss.

My mom did say she would rather get flowers in life than have them at her funeral. She got both. :)

Many obits include details about the deceased person's participation in various civic groups or charities. I would make a donation to one of them in memory of the deceased, or make a donation to another group or charity if you can't support any of those for some reason.

The flowers sent to a funeral really aren't for the dearly departed but for the comfort of those left behind. Ephemeral, yes, but still meaningful.

And no one should ever think of cut floral arrangements as a waste of money or the destruction of living plants. They aren't rare wildflowers, but grown by the millions of acres all over the world as a renewable resource. Floriculture is a multi-billion $$$$ industry, supported by people honoring their mothers, wives, brides, secretaries, etc., while still alive to enjoy them, as appointments to alters, dinner tables, and hotel lobbies as decoration, and as sweet remembrances of a departed loved one.

That being said, I always look for a "in lieu of flowers" notice and comply with the wishes of the family. Or, I will do both.

Having been involved in way too many funerals recently I have greatly enjoyed the selection of live plants in nice ceramic pots. I have most of them living happily in the atrium. There was a pretty even split between arrangements and plants. Several that were live plants but had a grouping of roses around the bottom. I noticed at both funerals I could pick out the ones from that particular flower shop because of that unique style and arrangement. The flowers that were in portable baskets or vases I had sent back to the home since the entire family was gathering there and they could be enjoyed during that time. A few of the family that was traveling took a smaller plant. I took all the rest here. I can walk through my atrium and visit the plants from mom's, mother in law, brother in law, etc I am happy to have them. So some people do definitely enjoy getting and keeping live plants. At my brother in laws funeral my husbands company sent an enormous white wicker basket filled with white flowers, at least 2 dozen big roses, white hydrangea, white snapdragons, white tulips, white lilies, I don't remember everything but it was one of the most beautiful arrangements I have seen. No dramatic color just whites and greenery. We brought it back to the house and set it up on a table with his framed picture beside it. It was a lovely little memorial we had at the house.

My atrium is still beautiful, it's the only pretty thing left of our house so enjoying the plants and working with them is a nice deterrent. But I don't want any more funerals!

If I had the money, I'd send you plants and arrangements just to cheer you up raven. (((raven)))

We recently lost a loved one in our family and we have to decided to arrange for a tree to be planted in remembrance of the person who passed. It will be planted in the yard of the family, which is on a farm. Other family will be living there for years to come and they are pleased with the idea.

My husband is Catholic and it seems that they are still into sending flowers. I think the family is comforted being surrounded by many floral displays.

A good friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. I asked her brother if the family would prefer fresh flowers or a planter... he said either would be fine as other family members liked houseplants but he had a black thumb. I ended up sending fresh flowers... I spent $50 and was extremely unhappy with how small the arrangement was! It was beautiful, but small... certainly not $50 worth in my opinion.

I think most businesses send fresh flowers and they're usually very big and beautiful.

Rob333 thank you that's very thoughtful!

I agree I think usually the ones we have had from business and employers were all large fresh cut flowers and very nice.

An expression of respect from an employer or other colleague or other organization with which a decedent had a relationship is by definition not personal but rather professional. Without regard to other things that individuals might have been done on their own, my firm has an admin staff who, when notified, sends "the usual" for family events like births and immediate family deaths for employees and close external associates. I think most see it as a thoughtful gesture, and no one would mistake it as being "personal" nor impersonal.

Snidely,
Your must have an impeccable admin staff. You have no idea that when you say the usual, they never actually send anything standard. Thought goes into it all, and personal knowledge goes into the equation. All behind the scenes and very smooth. Good for them

Clearly. Any place I have ever worked, deciding how to acknowledge one of life's great moments included a good discussion on what the person would like. That's what colleagues and friends at work do.

I would much rather just receive a "Condolence" card, with the pertinent signatures of the group involved, knowing that each and every one took the time and effort to sign. Anyone can buy or order floral bouquets, but not everyone can be made to sign something they didn't particularly care about. So my vote would be for a card signed by everyone in the group concerned (that is, if this is on behalf of a business and not necessarily a personal acquaintance).

It is a large and VERY busy professional services office. I'm willing to guess no one had the time or interest to worry about what was getting sent out in the firm's name and this might have been as much as a once a week event. I know we had a contract with a large, multi-location local florist, and I suspect the admin person that acted as the contact point with the florist left it up to them as to what to do at a given price point. Colleagues and friends within the professional staff were frequently out of the office, frequently out of town, and had too many other things to do to get involved and so appreciated that the administrative people handled the details, that I know for sure. The office was too large for this person to know each staff member involved.

I saw numerous examples of what got sent over the years and I would describe them all as similar generous but tasteful flower arrangements.

My experience was not with a small office. Different circumstances certainly would be handled differently.

I've never sent anything but either an flower arrangement or living peace lilies. In certain nearby circumstances I might arrange to send casseroles, food, drink, supplies for feeding out-of-towners, maybe even grocery store gift cards. I've never sent anything on behalf of a workplace. I recently had contact with a family who lives where it is customary to send money to the bereaved. I had never run into that before, but I think it is very kind and probably quite an old custom.

Someone sent a bouquet of long stem roses to my mother's funeral. The arrangement had been sent from a long distance and the sender did not know the exact time of the funeral, yet the bouquet looked fresh. Up close, I noticed these were artificial, beautifully made, and very long lasting. My family members took a few stems as mementos and I took two.

Back home, I have a portrait of my great grandmother (my mother's grandmother) hanging in my living room. I placed those two rose, crossed as an X, over the top of that frame. It signals to anyone who sees that portrait there is something special about the person in the picture.

I appreciated whoever sent that bouquet.

When my Mother passed a few years ago, many people sent money, either to our church or for the little cemetery where she was buried. I got to decide how the money was spent at our church. At the time they were re doing the basement and kitchen and I had the money go toward that as Mother was always a helper there. She now has her name on a plaque as others do that donated to help the cause. My sister was able to say how the money for the cemetery was spent and she chose to have a new sign made for it. Mother had many many flowers and planters at her funeral too and she was in her 90's. Sometimes I just give money to the family and they can decide how to spend it for the deceased, but not always.

Sue

I got a number of fresh flower arrangements and live plants sent to me personally at my home when my parents died. Frankly, the gestures were appreciated, but I ended up with plants that I really didn't have room for but felt obligated to keep because of what they represented and the sentiment. Interestingly, we did have in the obituary the "in lieu of flowers..." clause, and some people did donate to the charity(ies) is that we suggested. We had suggested two charities that were especially important to our parents. That was very much appreciated.

I think that when that clause in the obituary it is respectful for the giver to do it. However, any gesture of rememberance is nice.

I did learn, though, that my previous thought about sending live plants really didn't turn out to be a good thing when it was my turn to receive. So, I won't do that in the future. It became more of a burden than a blessing.

One of the best things I received when my husband died was a large gift basket of specialty/gourmet type foods. Not real expensive stuff, but things like canned smoked salmon, crackers, olives, dolmas, pickled sweet peppers, etc. cookies. It was so wonderful to have something to open/serve when people stopped by, as they do. It was unusual and nothing I would ever have thought of sending, but I appreciated it more than almost anything that was sent.

eld6161, your comment reminds me of a definition of "lace curtain Irish":

"They have fruit in the house when nobody's sick & flowers in the house when nobody's dead."

"relationship is by definition not personal but rather professional"

"I'm willing to guess no one had the time or interest to worry about what was getting sent "

not personal & nobody was interested.

Funerals *are* personal; if the relationship is purely professional & nobody is interested, then the flowers, plants, or donations are just a chore.

not something I'd like to see for my loved one.

.

My grandmother out lived all of her friends by many years. I was comforted that so many family members sent flowers so that it wouldn't look bare at the funeral.

Sylvia, do you get upset if when calling for a dental appointment, your dentist doesn't answer the phone? Or, if your doctor isn't the person you speak to when you call with a billing question? Or if you ask in person, they say. "I don't know, please check with X"?

I'm going to guess that you didn't spend a career working in an organization where administrative people played a key role by doing tasks that others could offload to, freeing up their time to do other things. It's because such tasks are valued that admin people are assigned to make sure they get done and get done on time. Like making sure that flowers get sent on time for births, deaths, and illnesses. Asking an assistant to do something is the same as doing it oneself, but as with anything else, more can get done when one can multitask using helpers.

If you find that offensive, then I think you're looking for things to be offended by. In my experience, most people appreciate such gestures.

When Mom died the employer of my step-father, and of my step-sister's sent money to the hospital where she had spent time before she passed.

I seem to be the one to send flowers on behalf of my siblings...or a planter or something...the last two funerals I've sent a check to her church (her request) and I sent my BFF a set of windchimes in memory of her mother...Flowers are soon gone...these windchimes will sing my buddy a song from her Mama when the wind is blowing...

Liz, I really like that idea, I know many people are driven crazy by
windchimes, but I really like the idea for how you explained it, ".these windchimes will sing my buddy a song from her Mama when the wind is blowing..."

So true. That is a beautiful sentiment. However, I am also in the camp that chimes can be distracting. I would hope they would put it in a place that would not disturb others.