Since you were not good friends, I don't think you need to go to the funeral. I think a card with a note is perfect. I'm sure people will disagree, but I always think it's sort of strange when people show up at a funeral for someone they barely know, or haven't seen in 10 years. I also hate funerals (wakes, even more). I have been to too many to count, unfortunately.

You're young yet, shee. And I once felt exactly the same way as you. Sadly, attending a funeral is something that becomes too familiar as we get older. :/

Just my humble .02, but generally speaking from funerals of dearly loved ones, it was never really expected that acquaintances or long ago coworkers, etc. would be at the actual funeral service. Generally a funeral is during the day when most people are working, so typically only those closest attended. Visitation times the day before is generally when acquaintances, etc. would pay their respects. Others who could not attend would send flowers or a nice card.

This situation sounds like it's being handled a bit differently in that the traditional 'visitation' time is being held right before the actual funeral service?

My personal feeling is that if you only knew the man and his wife socially from high school classes (and IIRC you graduated at least 10 years ago?), and never socialized outside of school, it would not be inappropriate if you did not go to the visitation. I don't mean to sound crass, but even though there will be a lot of people there that you know, it's not about catching up with all of them. It's about paying respects to the family. So seeing a little mini-class reunion going on, separate from the purpose of the event, might be distracting to the family. (Again, that is just my humble .02.)

A nice card would probably mean a lot to his wife/family (it always did to us). It's perfectly acceptable and not a snub. I'd encourage you to include a personal note. I can't convey how much those notes mean in times of mourning. It's so nice to read some little memory of the person, shared by those they crossed paths with in their life. It really is comforting. And sometimes it provides some much needed laughter. I remember when a schoolmate of one of my relatives, who passed away far too young, sent a note in a card. The classmate relayed a story about an antic my relative had pulled in class. Our loss was tragic and sudden, and we were just stunned & numb from grief. But the story was so funny, and it was so classically something my relative would do, it had us all in stitches, even his mother, who was a wreck. Laughter is very good medicine at times like this.

The other alternative would be to make a very brief appearance, pay respects to the family, and make a quiet exit prior to services starting.

Again, just my humble .02, but given the situation you describe, I see a card as perfectly suitable and a very nice gesture.

Sending a *handwritten note to his wife and family is fine, and an appreciated gesture. Being there in person is a comfort and support to the family; as they look around they can "feel" how liked and respected their loved one was. If it's not a hardship, I think you should go. Hint: As you know, you are there for others, not yourself, so to keep the sobs at bay (which would NOT help)think of other things when you feel them coming. It's not disrespectful to purposely blank out the ministers/speakers words if they trigger your crying. Mentally make your grocery list,or try to remember everyone's name there you went to school with. Keep mentally busy on other things. It is not disrespectful.It's self-defense, and a kindness the other mourners. My downfall is the music. I try very hard not to "get into" it but, I make up other words, or just run away,mentally, from the sad music as best I can.
*don't send a pre-written sympathy car. Instead, write a heart-felt note stating your sadness for their loss,and include some personal memory or impression of the deceased. Something as small as,"Brad was liked by everyone in school. He was funny and kind, and made everyone around him happier"

Re-reading, It looks like the pre-service is for more intimate friends. I would definitely skip this, but go to the service. Merely sending a card is certainly appropriate. I believe(hope!) my decision would be based on doing the kindest thing. In this case, if I were certain my presence would go unnoticed due to the heavy attendance, I'd feel fine not to go. If, however, I feared he hadn't many friends and it might be poorly attended, I'd try to go.
Whenever I'm in doubt, I put myself in the others shoes: in this case his wife and parents.

Sueb - "it's sort of strange when people show up at a funeral for someone they barely know, or haven't seen in 10 years"
Yeah, I was thinking about that myself.

Moon - " don't mean to sound crass, but even though there will be a lot of people there that you know, it's not about catching up with all of them. It's about paying respects to the family"
Oh I totally agree it's about paying respects to the family. The people I would see there will be people I haven't seen in years and I hate awkward small talk so I wouldn't be looking fw. to that.

Leahcate- That's part of the problem, I can't keep the sobs at bay. I have a VERY hard time with that. When I see other people crying, the music, etc. I can sometimes hold it off for awhile but it depends and I just can't promise I wouldn't and I know it's not going to help anyone.

They couldn't do a viewing because he died of injuries from the crash so I figured that was the fancy/nice way of saying you can come before and see the family like you would for a viewing.

There will be a lot of people there. He had a local business and many friends. I know the place will be packed.

Thinking about this more I've made the decision to not go tomorrow night. I really couldn't tell you too much about the guy. It's just shocking that it was someone I know and he's young. I knew the wife a little better than him but I really think the card will be good. I will definitely be hand writing something in the card. I wouldn't send a generic "sorry for your loss".

Thanks for giving your thoughts guys! I just needed to type this one out.

"This situation sounds like it's being handled a bit differently in that the traditional 'visitation' time is being held right before the actual funeral service? "

That's pretty much the norm here in our area. I think it's easier on the family myself. Burial is generally the next day.

I always feel the funeral visitation/service is more for the family. I've also been to way too many to count, as I feel the visitation and/or funeral is to show support to the family and sadly, there have just been too many friends/family that we have felt the need to support. If not someone very close to us, we just make an appearance at the visitation and do not stay for the funeral.

I think in your situation a card - with the handwritten note - would be good. If you knew the wife pretty well, a few minutes at the visitation would be good.

No one likes attending funerals/visitation. Sadly, they seem to happen all too often.

tina

When my parents died, I was so touched by how many people took the time to come to their funerals. People I hadn't seen in well over a decade was especially touching and comforting. Your presence really would matter to the family. It is just as Tina said.

Here, visitation is more for close family and friends, held the day/night before the service.

If you can't make it, by all means send a card. I'm sorry for the loss of a good man.

Not everyone will agree with this and I don't mean to offend anyone but IMO funerals are for the living. I have been to several funerals, unfortunately, and I go for one of two reasons. Either the deceased is someone I knew and wished to say a sort of goodbye to, or the family of the deceased includes one or more people with whom I have a friendship or other kind of relationship which I feel compells me to be there to support them.

I would feel odd showing up at a funeral for someone I didn't know that well or didn't know at least one member of the family that well. I'm there to either seek comfort or give comfort (or both). I'm not sure how much comfort my presence would bring in the situation you describe.

I think a handwritten card would be perfectly appropriate and appreciated.

Sueb : "it's sort of strange when people show up at a funeral for someone they barely know, or haven't seen in 10 years"
and from lowspark: " I would feel odd showing up at a funeral for someone I didn't know that well or didn't know at least one member of the family that well. I'm there to either seek comfort or give comfort (or both). I'm not sure how much comfort my presence would bring in the situation you describe."
Golddust's sentiments are what I've heard so often from families involved, and why I attend, even though I'd prefer not to.
Golddust: "When my parents died, I was so touched by how many people took the time to come to their funerals. People I hadn't seen in well over a decade was especially touching and comforting. Your presence really would matter to the family. ..."
I think there can be a comforting feeling of pride, as in," look how many friends he had!"

I'm with sueb and lowspark on this one. When there is no current association with the deceased or a family member, and really had been no close association in the past, I don't see a reason for attendance at a visitation or funeral. I know a person who attends lots of wakes because of remote connections to the deceased, and I have to admit I think it's a little strange. I suppose a card would be nice, but it might be a good idea to explain who you are to the wife, because she might not remember past classmates. And as for golddust's appreciation of the people who came to her parents' services, perhaps golddust hadn't seen them for years, but maybe her parents remained in touch with them. That makes a difference.

I agree with jboling. There's a big difference to me in someone with whom I had a relationship but for whatever reason haven't seen in years, even decades, and someone with whom I've never had more than a passing relationship.

I actually DID attend a funeral once, of a long ago friend. A friend who I hadn't seen in years and who had, in fact, essentially ignored advances from me and other friends to reconnect. When she passed, all of us went to the funeral. Regardless of the fact that many years had passed, we all felt the connection strong enough to attend.

The difference was that there had been a connection at one time. Someone with whom I was simply acquainted but never had a real connection/relationship with would present a different feeling for me.

And let me clarify this by saying that's how *I* feel about attending funerals. I'm not putting anyone down if they feel that they want to attend anyone's funeral for whatever reason. I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T go. I'm saying that based on what you've said, I personally would not go.

As you may or may not know, I do the reception after and/or before a funeral for our church. So I have seen a lot of funerals up close and personal.
You went to school with him and his wife....I say you should go...
You don't go because of him you go for her.
And there will be lots of others there who will be crying their eyes out....you won't be the only one.
This isn't about you....it's about your friends...and going will provide them one more small measure of support.
Go.
Linda C

I don't see the need to put so much thought or analysis into whether to attend a funeral or not. If you want to show support and caring to the family, remember someone you know, knew, or simply appreciated as a person from a distance, then go. If you don't really want to go for some reason, then a card, a note, or any thought and remembrance will be greatly appreciated.

Times like this are just a big blur for a lot of people. One that they don't even remember. They might not remember who you are at the time. They might not remember you were even there afterwards. What they will remember is the outpouring of love and caring for them and for their loved one. That's all that really matters.

Whatever you do, if it's from the heart it will go to the heart, as the saying goes. I don't think anything else matters.

Thanks for the feedback guys. It's interesting to hear the different takes on this.

"This isn't about you....it's about your friends..."
I know that.

As I said above, I've already made my decision not to go and will send a hand written card. I'll be sure to include my maiden name.

I think your decision is fine, Sheesh. There really isn't a right and wrong here. If you weren't ever close, a thoughtful card is a great gesture of caring.

I agree there isn't a right or wrong. Going would be fine, not going would be fine as would sending or not sending a card.

It was nice seeing people I hadn't seen in years at my dads viewing & it touched me that even though we hadn't seen them in years, they did come out. Having said that, people I know and see every day did not come.

My ex-neighbor lost his lady friend a few months ago & while we only knew my neighbor; we made the 1+ drive to pay the respects to the family as well as him - there was not supposed to be an open casket but the family changed their mind & they appreciated that we came out.

Do what you are comfortable with. A lot of people these days do not take the time to go or send a card; too bad the family doesn't know how much thought you are putting into this because I'm sure they would appreciate it.

Shee, I know you've made a decision and it's the one I would have chosen too were I in similar circumstances. It's a personal decision. No one should be making judgment calls.

I know you've decided not to go, but I'd like to add my personal experience.

My brother died years ago at 29 years of age. It was very comforting to see all of his current friends and contacts at the visitation and funeral service. But the people that came that hadn't seen him in years but remembered him from school were the ones that really touched our hearts. It was so nice to know that he had made a lasting impression years ago and that he hadn't been forgotten over the years.

While I think there is no right or wrong to this situation, I don't agree that it will all be a blur and the family won't remember who attended. I've buried too many close relatives and know better.

Even if you aren't noticed and don't personally chose to address the family members, the guestbook is a powerful reminder of who took the time to support you in your time of need and families do pour over all the names.

A card will be greatly cherished too. At times, I have felt it was more appropriate to send a card rather than attending the funeral. Sheesh is the only one who knows what to do. Until you've lost someone dear, it's hard to understand how if feels. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 28. I understood the importance way too early.

Shee, I didn't like my wording after I hit submit but had to leave, so no time to correct it. And I'm so wiped out right now I don't know how to explain what my thought process was this morning. (Pretty bad, geez.) I didn't mean to imply that you'd be going to see others from by gone days as a 'side agenda', and apologize if it came across that way, it wasn't meant to.

I do understand how you feel about funerals, though. And as mentioned it's a very personal decision on how to handle it, and any gesture you make is a thoughtful one and will be appreciated by the family.

Golddust, you don't have to agree or experience it personally, but it's not uncommon for people who are traumatized by a death to not know or remember what's going on around them, or to forget the details of the funeral afterwards. Some are even sedated. My family experienced the sudden and brutal death of my brother when he was only a teenager, and my mother became a grief counselor to bereaved parents for many, many years afterwards to help others make their way through it. I didn't say that out of ignorance. What I was trying to say, among the discussion on why or why not to, is that all that matters is to do what you feel in your heart and forget the rest. It doesn't matter. Even if it's someone you barely knew but admired or enjoyed for some reason. If someone wants to go, just go, because it will mean a lot to the family, whoever you are, and its a kind honor to the person who has passed. They will see how much their loved one touched others and that they meant something in this world. That's especially meaningful when it's a young life, that they did not live or go unnoticed. If you can't or don't want to go for some reason, the card or note that's in your heart will mean a lot too. And, yes, do sign the guestbook. It's there to be poured over and cherished later.

Like Mona described so well, those who came to the funeral that we didn't expect to see or didn't know, but just people that knew my brother and shared hugs, tears, their sorrow, or stories and memories about him in cards or letters, meant so much to our family. Beyond anything words could describe, that it still makes me cry forty years later. I feel their loss also. I'm thankful to them for caring about my brother and for being there in some way, and am thankful to them for the gift they gave to my parents. They are all a part of his memory to this day.