Ugh. It is your house and decision, so I would have little tolerance of pushy people that insist you do something after you have already made clear it is not what you desire. I believe those with such thickness in their ears, have equally thick skins, and tend to worry less about dinging their feelings overmuch. ;-)

Or, if you want to soften it for the son and MIL, interview him and other agents, then just not chose him. Remember, you have not been the rude party in this little scenario, so don't feel bad and don't cave in if they start laying on the guilt. There is too much at stake when selling a house to allow yourself to be bullied into a partnership you do not want.

--my 2 cents worth of tough love.

I just say that I don't use friends or family for this sort of thing. I think that is all you need to say. If someone gets their feelings hurt, then their feelings are hurt. You can't control the way other people feel.

I wouldn't even interview him. Because I think it would be worse to have him spend the time working on earning your business if there isn't a shot in hell you would hire him.

Bad situation in which to be. Do you actually know the kid? Or do you just know he's a flake. I would just make a blanket statement that any prospective realtor will have to lay out a marketing plan (including all marketing options on the internet and billboards and which professional photographer and stager he will hire on his dime.)

If the kid doesn't wish to put out money up front. Sorry, you lose.

Seriously, that is the realtor you want. One who puts cash and energy behind the sale.

First of all, do not feel any guilt whatsoever in executing this task. Is it an uncomfortable one? Yes, however, you did not ask to be in this sticky wicket and the sooner you extricate yourself from it, the better.

Seriously, rip the band-aid off now.

I'm sure we can all suggest ways to cushion the blow for this guy (with the incredibly pushy mother) but I'm sure you'll come up with something brief that gets the point across.

The real issue here is that you must turn this guy down nicely and succinctly, and leave no room for interpretation.

"We've decided to go with another realtor that we feel best suits our needs"

Why??????

"I'm sorry, that's my answer. Thank you for offering and good luck to you".

Why?????

See above.

It's not easy to do, but darn if some people don't make HUGE assumptions and put us in awkward spots!

You are NOT the bad guy here. Remember that!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

This X 100 -> "I just say that I don't use friends or family for this sort of thing."

We wasted 6 months doing this with a sil. She was with a realty company in another town and all the local agents shunned the listing. We held a agent's open house and no one local showed. What a way to start a 6 month listing agreement. Never again.

I agree with the "do not feel guilt" idea. It's not your responsibility to hire a relative or a friend. It's your responsibility to interview and choose the best one IN YOUR AREA. One who is connected, networks and has experience. Good luck to you.

I tell people that I don't hire friends or relatives (or children and siblings of same) because I need to be able to yell at, cuss out, and even fire a non-performing contractor/realtor/handyman without wrecking a friendship or making family reunions tense. I want an "arms-length" professional.

Some great suggestions from the posters above. it can be awkward to say no, but just "no". Do not feel guilt, do not overexplain. Go forward with interviewing the agents you want to consider, hire one and be done with it. If anyone tries to guilt you about it later, just "I'm sorry you feel that way". If realtor son contacts you and actually has a marketing plan it would be considerate to tell him you are going with another realtor but otherwise it really isn't necessary. It would be best if you and husband had a united front. Good luck.

"Dh turned to me with a surprised look on his face and asked who. I added him to my mental list of people burning on the pit..."

Just posted to say LOVE THIS! It's so very frustrating how people we love can be so completely clueless and fail us at critical moments! At least he finally got with the program and tried to make you sound like unappetizing clients! I hope he completely redeemed himself by later taking your MIL aside and telling her to never do that kind of thing to you again.

Great ideas, thank you all. I am going to have dh read this tonight as HE will have to be the one to deal with his mother. I'm still just an in-law in her eyes. I think mimi must know mil's niece because I do think she'll come back with WHY? two or three times. I keep calling her mil's niece, but she is also dh's 1st cousin. Her son is 45. 45 and still supported by mom.

jewelisfabulous, I don't know if dh had just zoned out and wasn't really listening or what. Usually we are totally in sync.

jrb451, that is a good point too. They only live 15 miles away, but he is in an office there so that could be a problem here.

I think the best response is just a simple "We don't use friends or family for this sort of thing." I once made the mistake of working for a family member and wouldn't do it again. I know it's not the same thing, but it involved money, expectations, performance, and relatives.

I think the "family" excuse (good reason, really) is your best bet. It is what it is and there's less "personal" about it.

I have to say, I actually worry from time to time over picking a realtor when we sell.

The realtor who sold us this house still has us on her email/PR/Christmas card list. She did a great job.

A neighbor is a realtor and I'm betting she kinda expects to be asked by her neighbor friends. Our neighbors across the street used her last year when they sold and said she was a PITA!

Now, our next door neighbor is doing real estate part time!

I know there will be expectations and hurt feelings.

Maybe they'll ALL move before we do!

I wouldn't say anything to him or lead him on. List it with the person you want and when it goes on MLS let MIL know and of course if he has a buyer he can call the listing agent and arrange a showing.

I'm going to do that this with a good friend who is an agent and she is going to be terribly insulted, but she is part time and her agency is not in the right town for my house.

I'm thinking that maybe you should give the guy a shot. But he's got to work for it like every other agent you were planning to interview.

Tell him, this is a business deal and a business relationship. We are interviewing three local listing agents, but if you want to pitch your services, we will certainly consider you. We wouldn't normally work with a close friend or relative, but if your listing presentation and marketing plan are that much better - outstanding - than the other agents, we might overcome that reluctance.

However the key point is that this is a business relationship - if I hear a whiff of ANYTHING regarding the sale of our home from MIL (I believe this is who he lives with?) then you would be immediately fired. You cannot discuss a single aspect of this business relationship with her because this is exactly why we would not normally use a relative. If you don't think you can do that, then don't pitch your listing presentation to us.

Oh c9pilot, that is good. He lives with his mother, who is my dh's cousin. But we don't want to use him. He is a nice guy, and I feel sorry for him. Dh doesn't. But I think you gave us some ammunition because he must tell his mother everything. I know every sordid detail of his divorce and believe me, I did not want to know.

Do you really want to make your realtor comply with a non-disclosure clause? Is that even legal?

Is this a verbal clause? A signed strict, zero-tolerance confidentiality agreement?

I know there are confidentiality rules that realtors must abide by, but how would this be enforceable?

I'd be afraid to open myself up to a lawsuit.

I wouldn't bother with all that. Most listing agreements have a pretty easy out for sellers if they are not happy and/or the agent is not performing (there are protections for the agent if you are just trying to get out of paying commission or other such shenanigans). Or just add a statement that states you can cancel the agreement at your discretion via email. Or discuss wording with his broker (with whom you actually are making the agreement).

On another note, your representation is determined by your state, but in Florida, one can be represented by a "single agent" which is a fiduciary relationship, so yes, you can simply require confidentiality, just like a doctor or lawyer. Some agents go so far as to call their buyers and sellers "customer" vice "client" which implies that relationship. For obvious reasons, a "single agent" cannot represent both the buyer and the seller in a transaction except in very specific and rare instances. The default arrangement is "transaction broker" but for FSBO usually a "no-broker" relationship applies.

I prefer to keep family and finances separate. So I agree with Emma, simply say, "I prefer not to waste your time but under no circumstances will I do business with family. However, if you want to come meet with us, we will be happy to refer you to friends who we think could use you."

Don't do business with family and that is that. Years ago I had to fire one of my kids. Of course, he was a teenager and thought Mom wouldn't do such a thing. Hah, his brothers sure took notice. It was a seasonal job (6 weeks), but Mom don't mess around.............

You could *lie* and say a close realtor friend has offered to sell the house for no commission.

The whole home-selling process is stressful enough without total lack of confidence in your agent. Don't leave any openings for rebuttal. Remember that "NO" is a complete sentence.

"I just say that I don't use friends or family for this sort of thing."

Precisely. That's all you need to say.

And smile.

And when MIL says, "But-" and her niece says, "Wha-" you just repeat.

Then smile.

Be nice.

Be firm.

I'd say I was listing with someone else for "political reasons".

It's a great "out" that I learned years ago from an office manager who chose all her company's vendors & contractors.

It's short, non-offensive, & there's no way to argue it.

I just absolutely *hate* "I don't do business with family/friends".

It sounds haughty & punitive, & nobody likes to be talked down to or to be punished for being someone's relative or friend.

& I *might* pinch hubby for blurting something out, or I might not; he was ambushed just as you were.

I would definitely get him to talk to his mother about making commitments for us.

If you feel you're being punished for being connected as a friend or a relative, you need to get over it and see the big picture.

The potential for hurt feelings and permanent damage is too big to risk.

Maybe the person values you more for the relationship than you value them for the money you can make off of them. Maybe the justified hurt feelings belong to the person you look at and see dollar signs.

I only feel (somewhat) obliged to buy Girl Scout cookies. Beyond that, just no.

This is a *business decision*. Keep it businesslike. No lies or hedging are required. List with the person you believe will sell your house for the most money with the least effort on your part. Then it is 'everybody welcome' to bring a qualified buyer.

"get over it" never has been helpful advice.

What do you mean by "political reasons"?

I was wondering the same thing, cmarlin20! To say "I don't want to hire you due to political reasons." infers reasons that should be completely outside consideration for the job. Whether the politics are family in nature, or political, the recipient is left feeling they are being penalized for something that is unrelated, and/or not their fault.

The "I don't do business with family..." excuse is easily recognized by all involved as just a face-save "No", but can come back to haunt if you ever do want to hire a family member for some reason. I still have no problem with just saying "No" to things you don't want to do; people trying to put you on the spot are manipulative, and earn their "hurt feelings", should they actually get them.

I am not sure I would use a family member even if they were the most successful agent in town. Most doctors and lawyers will not treat/represent their family members -- it's professional wisdom. Too many ways for things to go bad. In law school, the case books were full of family matters and handshake deals gone wrong leading to court battles. No one wins in those cases.

I'd simply not call. If MIL or neice bring it up, simply tell them you'd rather have them unhappy with you for not listing the house with the son than risk starting a family fued over anythng that might not go as planned. Son could certainly earn a commission as the buyer's agent. If they don't understand, then all the more reason to not risk upset and family divide if something did go awry and cause something worth getting upset about.

" I added him to my mental list of people burning on the pit" LOL - awesome :)

And to add to the other comments: I would definitely go with the simple truth of "I don't do business with family/friends."

lascatx's post said it simply and well.

Sylvia, I respect your input here so much and realize you atre a better than average RE agent, so having anyone say they wouldn't want to use you is not something you would be used to or take lightly. You're a pro and want to do a professional job, but are all your family and friends pros too? Even if they encounted a difficult party on the other side of a transaction -- or that treee falls on a house the night beore closing? Things folks can walk away from with a stranger -- or at least get over, somehow get and stay personal with family and friends -- not always, but far too often.

I won't say never. In fact, we had a family friend and fellow scout dad replace our AC and heating units. He was newly back from Iraq and before that lost his business to a flood during Tropical Storm Allison. The new units turned out to not be the quality we were told they were. Had one repair done and the wrong part was installed, voiding the warranty when it failed again. We had to replace one unit (AC and furnace) and because of the problems wound up replacing both. That's a very expensive lesson -- and we haven't seen or spoken to that family in years. Would be worsse if it was family and you couldn't just chalk it up to experience and let it go.

You need to have a lot of confindence in the person and the situation if you chose to go forward with a family member -- adn you need to have the ability to walk away from the consequences. Most people can't do that with their family and thei home. When you can't, it's not worth the risk. Not for me anyway.

"Political reasons" could be:

The agent's family buys all their milk from my dairy.

The agent's daddy owns the bank where my entire life is financed.

The agent is `the columnist who covers my charity functions for the local newspaper/tv station/etc.

The agent's son/mother/whatever fixes my computers.

Political reasons can be anything & you can legitimately decline to go into detail.

I didn't intend to imply that anyone should hire anyone that they don't want to hire, for any job.

I intended to say that "I don't hire family or friends" sounds like, "I'm not going to hire you no matter how wonderful you are", which I find obnoxious.

If the person isn't as aggressive or knowledgeable or fill-in-the-blank as you want, telling them that you don't hire them because they're your relative or their friend not only isn't the truth, it's something that's likely to result in hard feelings:

If I don't qualify as your agent because I'm family, maybe I should disown you, & if I don't qualify as your friend, guess what???

Life is already complicate, why unnecessarily make it even more complicate?

I fail to see this is a predicament; nor to see the need that you have to make justification to anyone for your real estate agent selection.

If they ask, why could not you just give straight forward, honest, real reason such as "we have hired an agent who we believe could provide the service we expect". If MIL's niece's feeling is hurt, it is not by you, it is by her son who could not gain confidence from a home seller.

I understand your point about political reasons covering a host of issues, but it also doesn'tsound like something most folks would accept without arguement or questioning.

Consider yourself fortunate if you've never had trouble with trying to help family or friends, much less earn your living with them. One experience would be enough to make you less harsh of others who don't want to find themselves in tose positions.

I intended to say that "I don't hire family or friends" sounds like, "I'm not going to hire you no matter how wonderful you are", which I find obnoxious. -

While you are absolutely allowed to find it obnoxious, I firmly believe it is a good policy. I personally am of the opinion that there is no amount of money that is worth the risk when dealing with family. When things go south, it can be uncomfortable for an entire lifetime, and it has nothing to do with how skilled or unskilled they are. I would give this same response even if they were the best realtor on the planet, with customers already lined up around the block to bid on my house. I have seen so many family businesses and ventures go south that there is no way I will fall for that one.

I would not hire a family member or friend as a RE agent no matter how good they are. Ever. I have had no trouble saying that to family and friends who are RE agents and voice interest when we have been sellers and buyers. I wouldn't have that relationship with an attorney or health care provider either. Common sense in my mind... And, I don't loan money to family or friends either. I have given it away to some of them when asked, but I would never enter a financial relationship with them.

Agree with the majority here. Not having business dealings with family is the best policy. My best friend did use her Aunt in law as their Realtor when they were selling their 2nd house years ago. It did not go well. My friend did not feel comfortable saying things to her A-I-L that were less then nice (my friend didn't think she was aggressive enough, didn't point out the best features of the home, and more). After all, they would be seeing her at family gatherings. Didn't want to make it feel uncomfortable for everyone. That was the first and last time she used her Aunt. Don't feel guilty about it. After researching and interviews, pick whom ever you think best to sell your home. The mom and son will get over it quicker now then if you hired him and he did not live up to your expectations and then canned him for another Realtor. NancyLouise

The interesting thing about this thread is that I frequently read the same issue from the other side on some agent forums that I participate in. Agents whining about their friends, neighbors and relatives going behind their back and using other agents instead of them! And what a mistake because that agent does this or that and low-performing or known for mistakes or whatever, and how much better the OP would be.

But, there are always folks who put it in perspective and tell them that many people have a "no friends or relatives" policy, so get over it. Be professional about it.

Apparently there is an expectation that surprises me, though. The house next door and the house across the street from that one both sold in the past year, and I've had several other neighbors ask why the owners didn't list with me - I told them that I'm a buyer's agent and don't do listings....but the real reason is that while we were polite neighbors, sort of, there is no way I would work for either of them and I know that there would've been bad blood there. Both had completely unrealistic ideas about how much their homes were worth and both were on the market off and on for two to three years with various agents before they finally sold.

As mentioned your situation isn't tricky, just either say nothing or say no, I don't deal with family or friends you needn't give details. Many people are family or friends with more than one agent, how would one choose? I would only list with a local agent anyway, not from a neighboring area. Your DH committed to a phone call, he should keep that commitment, he can call after he has listed, so he can bring a buyer.

At this point, the relative's son has not yet done one single thing for you in selling the house, already you are having difficulty to convey your true intention and goal to them; otherwise, you would not come to this forum soliciting ideas.

How would you communicate suggestions, changes, or correcting course of actions after you actually hire the son? Not to mention if he indeed fails your expectations of the task?

You are selling your own home instead of managing procurement, vendor selections for a giant corporation; "lying", or giving "political reasons" sounds silly and totally unnecessary. In fact, these examples given if used by big companies are likely trigger legal actions.

Well sure, they can ask, but if they aren't taking no for an answer (are they?) then its them who's stepping over the line. Doing business with family and friends can be difficult due to murky boundaries. It can be done but yall need to be very clear in your communications and understanding. Is this a business proposition? If so, then be business like and feel free to say yes or no, no explanation needed, and the guy & his wife needs to shrug it off as "its only business." Is this a favor offered for free or reduced charges... like family members might do for one another? If that's the case you might want to weigh it as an option but there again you really don't owe anyone anything.

For them to enter a conversation with "you need to hire me and pay me money because Im family" is kinda like you saying "you need to give me your services free at reduced cost or free because Im family. " Both are faulty assumptions .... not to mention highly disrespectful.

A similar situation happened recently at work. I mentioned to a co worker I'd known for years, that we were selling a relatives house and needed a realtor. He said his wife sells homes and I had no choice but to invite her over for an interview and they both showed up. Nice lady, but I also interviewed another realtor who had kept in touch with me for months waiting until the house was ready for market. He offered a cleaning lady to make the house sparkle for the professional pictures he would pay for, and a video as well. My friends wife offered nothing.

He also had a website, and many 5 star ratings from people who did business with him, the friend's wife didn't even have a website. Of course I hired him, even though it meant hurt feelings, remember, this is YOUR money, so hire the person who will get you the most of it. I found out later, my friends wife didn't even drive! How can a realtor not drive?

Glad I made the right choice, and you will be too. This guy is 45 and living with mom.. and you really don't owe him anything, do you?

I learned never to mention to anyone about selling a house, someone always has a spouse, sibling, son, daughter, cousin or MIL in the real estate business!

dusti, it's possible that your co-worker wasn't fishing for you to ask his wife to be your agent. He may have just said it in passing. Or perhaps he was hoping, who knows.

I see no reason to lie or come up with a false excuse. There's nothing wrong with the real reason!

"Political reasons" as explained is really no different from someone being a relative .... they all refer to doing business with someone because of another relationship. My advice is as many others: Just say that you don't do this type of business with relatives.

FYI -- we did once have a RE friend refer us to someone who we ended up using. Our friend got a nice little referral fee after we closed. So, if they guy can refer you and that is how it works in your area, perhaps that might be one small way to keep it in the family a bit.

Whether he is a good realtor or not, he sounds like an upstanding guy to me.

missouribound - Wow, I'm happy the situation is defused and you don't have that hanging over your heads!

My neighbor had someone redo her kitchen shortly after she moved into her house. It went really well.

So, she hires him to redo her master BR and put a deck on the back of the house. Well, the contractor's life situation became a bit complicated, yada yada, and he started to flake on her big time.

He wouldn't show up for days and weeks, BUT, my neighbor had a hard time complaining as she should have because she'd become friends with him.

She should have fired him- sued him even, but she hasn't.

What a sticky wicket.

You know how you have to display the permit when you have work on your house being done? Well, she's had one in her front window for 2 years now...