She's made her choice which does not involve you's...sooo,inasmuch as its' hell to put her out of your life,do just that

remember this much..when you are crying your river of tears,it isnt hurting her one bit,only you.

and yes,I speak from experience...exact same issues.

Its' been over 6 yrs since I have had anything to do with my daughter,and at this time,she doesnt even want to think of coming back into my life...after what I have been thru,should she ever need me,like I needed her and all my family,she/they can all kiss my a$$

develop that attitude..it'll take time,but you can/will do it

I don't have the same situation but have a similar, somewhat reversed situation. The last 6-8 years of my dad's life he wouldn't speak to me. A long story, suffice to say someone convinced him I am the devil-incarnate, out to lock him in a home, and other things. I'd call, they wouldn't let him on the phone, I send certified letters and cards and they'd forge his signature and not give them to him. These rumors spread like wildfire through the family and friends and what's interesting is it's true what they say about finding out who you real friends are.

In your case, it's hard to say what's going on of course but I suspect someone is priming the pump so to speak. I don't know if she's overweight and blames the "junk food" for that, whether that's part of the issue or what and it doesn't really matter. I sense a strong possibility that there's some coaching and a rumor mill contributing to the trouble. As time goes on perhaps she'll come around. There's always hope. But I don't see that you should tear yourself up over it. Be there for her and leave *your* door unlocked for her even though she's locked hers to you. You'll feel better at least about yourself that you did the right thing.

Whether she'll be open to conversation in the future is hard to say. If she's isolating herself from others that's her choice and maybe she'll start to come around sometime. Raising kids adds to the stress too so there's a possibility that some "suggestive selling" works better when someone isn't thinking straight.

For years I dealt with how to handle the situation with my dad. Our last phone conversation ended with him saying "I have nothing more to say to you" and I could hear the coaching in the background. (They didn't know I recorded the call!) He refused to talk to me in the hospital not long before he died. Wasn't easy to accept but for my own sanity, I had to keep reminding myself that *I* did what *I* could do and I did what I thought was right. To do it over I couldn't really see anything different to do or more to do. Possibly less may have been better in some ways but that would have other impacts.

I completely understand your feelings at holidays. (And other times too.) But I think you're right that you have to remind yourself that you did what you could do and nothing you can do right now will change the situation. I assume you did the best you could and are satisfied on that. If so, there's simply some things you can't change and as in the saying grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Seems like she's unhappy with her life for some reason and needs someone to blame for things not being they way she wants it, and you're the one being blamed right now. Something will happen that she can't blame on you so someone else will be blamed. Like I said, something might sink in and might not.

You have a husband and other kids who appreciate you and need you. They don't want you tearing yourself up over this. So yes, you need to file it appropriately and someday maybe the file will be reopened.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Dear Hope, I have nothing to add in the solution department but just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for what you are going through. Of course we don't have the full story as to why your daughter is acting the way she is, but I will agree with Cynic on this one--I don't think she is acting without coaching.

I can only imagine the heartache this is causing you. I agree with others here. You must distance yourself from her and embrace your other children and family. Get on with your life, and as Cynic said, "someday maybe the file will be reopened."

My DIL has cut her parents out of her life, so I know things from that perspective. It was very difficult for DIL to do this, but they wanted to treat her like a teenager (or even a child) who needed their ever constant approval & directions on everything in her life. They wanted to interfere in her marriage to my son & they wanted to direct how the grandchildren were raised. Doing this has saved my DIL, her marriage, & her sanity. She is very happy & recognizes that it was the only thing she could do. She had help tho'.... she & ds went to a family counselor. They tried to get her parents to seek professional help.... to no avail.

So, I ask you to ask yourself... Have you tried in anyway to push YOUR values on your daughter? Do you set up expectations that she do things, live her life, visit you/your family on your schedule/time frames, spend money the way you think it should be, live where you think she should, have the partner/spouse that you want, raise children the way you think should be done, have the job/career you want for her. (Not good sentence structure, I know) But if you've pressured her in any of these or similar ways, maybe you crowd her too much & haven't let go? From what you've posted, it doesn't seem to be the case, but only you can look deep inside & see how, or if, you've have contributed to the situation.

But whether or not you are part of the problem or if it is really 99% her issues, I think the only answer for you is that you seek counseling for yourself. It will help you accept & to cope. Truly it will. And life will be better. You deserve a good life. Don't let her issues wreck what you have... a husband & 2 other children.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but she has made her choice to distance herself from her family. Embrace your other 2 children ... one day your daughter may be back, maybe she won't. Listen to your husband "Don't let her selfishness ruin OUR life." .

Welcome to the Kitchen Table!!

She is well educated and we are not.
My guess is that she is living in a very uppity world, maybe surrounded by folks whose parents had higher educations and 'successful careers'.

She may be well educated and intelligent, but I suspect just has not matured. I'm guessing that she is embarrassed that her parents and grand parents are 'common' folks....and I certainly don't mean that in a negative way.

Are her siblings well educated also?

Don't beat yourself up, as it sounds like you were a good wife and mother. There is likely nothing you or anyone else can say or do at this time, to changed her rather 'warped' thinking.

This has gone on for four years now. I was hesitant to post because I figured someone would assume it must be my fault and that I was overbearing and dominant and whatever.

That's why this is not just a sad problem but a depressing problem. It's my own family's dark little secret. It's not just the emotional pain of losing a daughter but it's embarrassing and kind of humiliating.

People assume that it's the mother's fault, or in this case, the mother's fault and the father's fault and the grandparent's fault.

I don't think it is. The point of my post is, how do you cope? How do you deal with a child that just exits your life? How do you wrap your mind around that, and how does your heart cope?

Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened. I have two grown daughters. The older, 22, still lives at home and drives to her job and and attends college. Need I add, we are helping her out with tuition and car bills, including her car insurance and cell phone. The other daughter (21) has moved out and is living with her boyfriend. She attends community college which we are paying for in full, also her car insurance. Neither daughter has any interest in being with us (her parents) or even eating meals with us, tho both feel free to raid our refrigerator and pantry at any time. Both my husband and I have chronic illnesses. We would love to have "closeness" with our daughters, but it's not to be.

I had the same experience with my mother, as Cynic did with his father, and although I do have a close relationship with my daughter, I have to agree with Rhonda, Ont_gal, I would go on with my life and like Lydia said, embrace your other two children. It is sad but basically, you have no other choice.

How do you cope? You just have to go on and get over it. Find other things to do and think about. Don't allow yourself to dwell on it. If it were me, from time to time, I would call her and see how she's doing and talk, but realize you may never be close. If that is too painful, don't even do that.

I have found myself in a similar situation, but I finally found an answer that has taken away the sting. I tried to email you but no email addy...

Hugs,
Carolyn

I just updated my three-year-old account with an email. Please feel free to send me an email.

My problem with my sons is different than yours. Your husband is right, don't let her ruin your lives. If you are always dwelling on it, you will be unhappy and that can cause your husband to be unhappy. I know women who are drowning themselves in problems like this and they make everyone around them miserable. Leave her alone, don't let her know how hurt you are. If you try and contact her, it will only remind her of why she has turned her back on you and make her feel justified. The problem lies with her. Get on with your life.

I don't have a solution, but I am sorry you are having so much heartache. Hopefully one of these days she will realize what is truly important.

I hope you didn't think was "blaming" you. I am not. I just think that sometimes any of us don't always see how we play a role in a relationship dynamic and that we therefore need to do some introspection. We have no way of knowing how far down that rode you have already travelled. That is best done with a therapist, imo. You've been trying to cope for 4 years. The pain & anguish are still white hot. You're stuck in 2006 & your dh & other children sound as if they are coping & have accepted her as she is, moved on.

I have no doubt whatsoever that DIL's parents think they were exemplary parents... from THEIR perspective. And in many ways they were good parents, but they always, always had "strings attached" to anything they did or gave. They can't cope with the fact that DIL is a grown woman, smart, educated, & quite capable. Because they won't seek the help that they so obviously need (they crossed a horrible line in their efforts to interfere) they are not a part of their dtr's nor their only grandchildren's lives. If my son said to me that I needed counseling in order to see him/grandchildren, I would be their in a NY minute. They said they didn't have the money.... yet hired a lawyer to see if they could get "grandparents rights"... they have none. So go figure. They are cutting off their noses to spite their faces.

Have you tried counseling? Have you had any discussions at all with her as to how and under what conditions you & your family can be a part of her life, however small that part might be? Has she written off her siblings also?

That's why this is not just a sad problem but a depressing problem. It's my own family's dark little secret. It's not just the emotional pain of losing a daughter but it's embarrassing and kind of humiliating.

People assume that it's the mother's fault, or in this case, the mother's fault and the father's fault and the grandparent's fault.

No one other than the family even needs to know...if anyone asks about her, just blow it off with "I haven't talked to her in a while, but so and so told me she is doing fine."...or whatever. You need not answer to anyone's 'prying' or probably inappropriate questions.

As you can see, most people here have not assumed that it was anything you, your hubby, or grandparents did to turn her away from you all. Her 'blaming you' for her eating too much junk food is just absurd.

hmmm...is she maybe fat, or even obese? If so, could she maybe be trying to place the blame on her past instead of her lack of willpower?...just a thought.

Let's say as a kid you have certain friends, but eventually as you grow up you realize you have outgrown them, or you share different interests, etc., so you stop being friends. You were friends due to circumstance (they lived right across the street or something like that). Maybe your daughter doesn't value family, doesn't care about that connection, and thinks of you as people she has outgrown. I am not defending it, I actually disagree with that way of thinking (I believe in the whole blood is thicker than water). But that may be her view. She lacks loyalty. It also sounds like she is insecure. Some very successful people are from humble beginnings and they don't hide it.

Hmmm....She's 35.... My guess is she is very unhappy with her life (probably depressed) and she simply needs someone to blame for her life not turning out the way she hoped/planned...

Parents are generally the easiest target.... Hope she comes around soon. Don't take it too personally.

Sometimes we have to divorce members of our family. Loose her and let her go.
She is trying to blame you for her own misgivings and mistakes and as so many young people do today refuse to take blame for themselves IMHO

It hurts but

Dear Hope..can you try to completly ignore her..see how long it takes for her to be back in your life. If she knows she doesn't have that control on your emotions..it won't give her that feeling of being so much better than you are..because she isn't.

Haven't had that situation, but I do believe there is something to the "middle child" syndrome. You might want to do some reading, exploring on that.

Assuming, because you haven't said, but apparently she is supporting herself now? My only suggestion is that you stop any attempts to reach her; you are only torturing yourself. If and when she calls or comes to your house, tell her you wish her well and hope that she is happy. End the conversation, stop listening to her accusations, leave the room.

It is called tough love.

Blessings.

Sue

wouldn't be hard for me to decide what to do......I'd tell her that our door and heart is always open should she choose to come back home and then I would get on with my life.

I am so sorry that she is behaving this way, I cannot imagine how much that must hurt you. For her to say that you embarrass her has to cut deeply into your heart. I would have to say the problem lies within her, and that she will one day regret her words and actions.

Since my mom passed I have also more or less lost my stepfather as well. Tho they spent every holiday and birthday with us for 27 years (and was never even invited to any of his 5 kids homes) I have spoken to him only a handful of times. It really hurts but it is what it is.

Hugs to you, I pray that she sees the error in her ways.

Just tell yourself that you did the best you could. If anyone ask about her, just tell them you haven't talked to her for awhile and as far as you know everything is ok. If you could get come counseling for your own comfort, that might help. We have been thru this, with all three of our kids but it is related to my mom (now gone), and I just tell myself, I did the best I could raising the children, and there are still issues. I tell myself, I am a survivor, and I will survive, and go on. I have lots of hobbies I keep up with, do some volunteer work and find my own interests. I do wish you the best and remember, if we look too far and too much we will always find something to be unhappy about, but if we enjoy today, we will feel better tomarrow.
Marie

So...your DD turned 30 and right afterwards decided she'd had a poor upbringing. What ELSE was/is going on in her life? Who IS in her life?

She could be blaming her family for all her problems.

She could have problems she wants to hide from you.

Did she always have a different outlook on life from your other two children? Did she think she was 'just the middle one', not 'special' enough? (And is now paying you back by being too 'special' to have anything to do with you?)

Inside each of us is the little child we once were, who 'understood' life from a child's perspective.

Hope, I am going through something similar with my 38 year old son. Three years ago, he just cut me out of his life. No explanation. I agonized over it, called, emailed, no response. Finally, I just decided that the ball is now in his court. Our door is always open to him, but I have gone on with my life. You have to do that. I totally agree with your husband, do not let him and his attitudes ruin your life. My heart goes out to you, hang in there.

My adult daughter, for years treated us like we were dirt.
We always helped her when she needed anything but we never got a thank you from her. She broke our hearts so many times that we just feel empty towards her. Now at 55 years old she thinks all is OK and we are supposed to treat her like a loving Daughter. Sorry but now we just tolerate her and thats it.
I was so depressed over her that I went for help and the
Councellor, said "If there is anything or anyone that drags you down you have to let it go out of your life. We
must realize that we have a life and don't let anyone near us unless we give them permission." Now anything in the house that drags me down it is donated to charity. It is surprizing how relieved you feel after.
Enough said
Dolly

100% what ruthie said!

And some day I may have to follow that advice. I'm constantly in fear of becoming estranged from my 18 y/o daughter. She is a very difficult person to live with. Sometimes I think she is doing better, then she reverts to her ole "me, me, me" self. I handle it all wrong by going out of my way to avoid confrontation. It sends her the wrong message.

There are so many threads on the Parent forum about people being estranged from their children. It's scary and heartwrenching. At this point, I would do anything to avoid that. You might want to head over there and poke around.

Many teens have a tendency to rebel, as they proceed with their journey toward independence. Have you heard about the kid who, at 14, thought that his parent knew next to nothing ... and by the time he'd reached 21 ... was surprised at how much the old man had learned in the last 7 years!

Some never move beyond that major rebellious spirit.

I, oldest of three sons, was 10 in 1939 when World War II started and the hired men on Dad's large farm went off to war ...

... so what Dad and the three boys got done ... got done ... and the rest didn't.

I grew up knowing that as I discharged certain responsibilities that I'd been given reasonably well, that I'd be given more. Whether that was the main reason, or whether I was just not rebelliously inclined, I don't know, but I never rebelled seriously.

When I was about 15, Dad spent six weeks in the west, leaving the farm in my tender care, and the next year, after having decided to move there, he went out west for the summer, leaving us behind, and at 16 I was working as hired man on our farm that had been rented to a neighbour. I, who had been giving Dad the devil for years for his smoking (a pipe and the occasional cigar: cigarettes on a farm were risky, he said ... and, anyway, a cigarette was " ... two puffs and a spit"), started to smoke. When in one letter I told Dad about that, his reply was, "Well! well!! well!!! (with one, two and three underlines as well) ...so the young fellow who has been giving Dad the devil for smoking for all of these years ... is doing well, is he?". And that is the last that I ever heard from Dad about the issue.

I carried on for about 6 mos., and, liking neither the taste nor, being frugal, the cost ... decided to quit.

While I may have had minor disagreements with Dad over those years, I respected his way of doing things and the way he lived. When my younger brother, who took over the family farm, and Dad worked together, whether when Dad was in charge, or later, when kid brother was, they worked well together and never had a serious disagreement.

Some time ago, on here, when we were discussing children, I said that I felt that one of my major responsibilities as a parent was to encourage and assist my child toward developing his/her independence ... and one or two others agreed.

Some never learn, and carry on that rebelliousness, long term.

In many situations, it may be largely due to certain circumstances in their own lives not having been adequately examined and dealt with, so they tend to blame someone else.

I am sorry that this problem has hurt you so deeply, and continues to do so.

Have you considered talking the situation over with a religious counsellor ... of the variety that doesn't have ready-made solutions all mapped out and cut and dried before-hand? Who will listen, and empathize, and think through with someone to a more effective conclusion?

I hope that you can succeed in, as others have said, keeping an open door and an open heart looking toward a day when the daughter may choose to take a more constructive approach, but getting on with your life without letting the current situation get you all bent out of shape.

Sending good thoughts and hopes for major improvement for your family as a whole.

ole joyful

That happened in our family. My brother cut himself off from our nuclear and extended family years ago. We've had a couple tries at rapprochement, always at my instigation, but they don't work. He definitely feels that he is better than us. Better educated (though he and I have the same education), more mature, and so on. Didn't keep him from borrowing tens of thousands of dollars from my father that never got repaid, of course.

Anyway, I have finally, after years and year and years, really internalized that I can't make him have a relationship with me. So I don't try any more. He knows where I live, and I hope he'll call some day, but who knows.

Since this happened with my brother, I have heard so many stories from people around me. My neighbors have a daughter who didn't talk to them for years, though she has apologized and they speak now. A friend's sister, another friend's cousin, it seems like many families have someone who is estranged.

I can imagine how much it hurts, but I just don't think there's anything you can do about it. I think your only choice is to grieve and move on or to grieve and not move on. You can't control any other piece of this.

Good luck.

Something like this happened with my brother and my family. He just moved out one day right before his 21st birthday and my parents never saw or talked to him again.

I ran into him a few times many years ago but haven't seen him in over 34 years. From what I've heard from a friend he didn't like anyone in the family and just didn't want anything to do with us.

My parents were able to keep track of him through the DMV. He moved about 2,000 miles away from them after about 10 or 15 years. At one point they hired a private eye and found out where he worked and a few other details.

After my dad died 12 years ago my mom wrote him. He had never been close to our dad and I think she was hoping he would respond but he didn't.

My mom died a few years ago and she once told me that it was one of the saddest things in her life and she never stopped loving him. But she went on and was close to her other children.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it must be but love the rest of your family and don't let her rejection ruin your life.

I'm so sorry that you have to feel such pain but thankful that you opened up to share, it helps. It's very sad when a child says things to hurt their parents and especially an adult child which leads me to perhaps wonder if she has sociopathic tendencies. People who suffer from that feel no angst or guilt for saying what ever they please. She may have attachment problems too. So, pray for her every day and pray for yourself so that you can surrender to the situation. You have no control over her but by surrendering you can convince yourself that theres nothing left for you to do. Turn it over to God and go on living a good life. You had to have been a great Mom, your other children and family would agree too. God bless and choose to be happy.

Oh what fun,yes I have a 36 year old daughter,middle child,shes full of how things should have been shes so tired of women complaining about thier hubbys shes not getting married or having kids.I repeated numerous times till you get married or have children you have no say how things should be.I know exactly how you feel,pretty low huh?

This is a very hard road to travel and my heart goes out to all of you with your stories. I am on that road as well; I have kept going and am thankful for the grandchildren who for at least awhile have kept in touch. (We are "friends" on facebook, sort of.) Here on my computers' email is a letter that I started last week....just a note to catch her up on the family. It IS strange, when I send an email to her, she responds with an email "to everyone"....not to me, even tho I say her name, and Love Mom. This is my youngest....my closest....We had those grands every summer of their young lives. I am grateful that the "boys" (now 20 and 21) have great memories as the last time they were with us, they told us those were the best days of their lives. I don't dwell on the sadness of it, and I am past the wanting to know the "why" of it....it IS, and my dearest wish is that I do see her and mend this before I die; we have so many good memories. I also believe that will happen. Keep the good memories alive and expect new ones every day. Nanny

Here's my feelings as the "daughter" who talks to mom..Don't talk to your other children about how you feel, more than one time to let them know you are hurting. We know that..we care..but it's not our choices that caused the problem.

I get tired of it every time I talk to my mom. And then I feel on the "sly"... I don't really tell her about the relationship I do have with my brother.

She does ask how he's doing and his family. But I try to limit the information at his request.

I don't like being in the middle.

"The point of my post is, how do you cope? How do you deal with a child that just exits your life? How do you wrap your mind around that, and how does your heart cope? "

You'll cry..rivers in fact,and you WILL be heartsick when it comes to holidays,then believe it or not,there will come a time that you dont even think of her daily at all.

Actualy,in fact,you "can" harden your heart too,somuchso,that there might even come a time where you turn the tables on her,and want little or nothing to do with her.
My door and my heart was open to her,at one time--and I did the phone calling thing too..only to be told that her life was much better with me out of it(keep in mind,btw,not only did she "disown me,also,all of the family-both sides)

At this point in my life,I have NO intentions of having her(that would be the daughter that I had at one time) back into my life..that part of my "family" is gone..and will remain that way.

I will agree with what everyone else has said that there is nothing you can do however when you ask how can I ease the hurt and heal my heart my suggestion would be to get involved in a volunteer program like big brothers/big sisters or some other program involving one on one with kids. There are so many kids who are alone and hurting and if you can make them feel better by sharing all the love you have to offer it will help to heal your heart and theirs. I'm not saying to turn from your family and grandkids if you have them but to just re focus all your love into helping a child who needs and wants someone to love them. You also can "feel" that you are helping and by getting involved in someone elses hurt perhaps it will help heal yours.
Love and prayers to you in dealing with this.
Diane

I used to think "family" was so important. As I aged I soon found out that "family" means nothing - it's your friends that count. Ideally, your family will be your best friends but often they can be your worst enemies (as I found out the hard way). This gives two choices, agonize over it and destroy yourself, or as I did, gather yourself together and realize "family" is a term of little or no intrinsic importance, concentrate on your friends including family friends and take deep breaths often. Coach yourself.

How to deal with it? Well, have you coped with a death of close friend or family member? It's virtually the same thing. It's the death of a relationship. Accept that it's dead, remember the good times and you'll be able to move on. I accepted that someone else killed (murdered) my relationship with my father. I did not do it. By putting it in proper perspective helps coping with the situation. Not unlike a death, there's times it'll bother you, but it gets better and you move on unless you choose to keep it on yourself, drag yourself down and abuse yourself. Don't do that. It's not worth it.

Sometimes you need to lose friends when they're bad for you. Sometimes our pretty skin becomes a festering boil. Do you continue to keep it because you've always had it or do you lance it, accept the short-term pain and move on.

Why should ones who are technically "family" be treated differently than friends? A song lyric that means a lot to me is from Caledonia:
I have moved and I kept on moving
Proved the points that I needed proving
Lost the friends that I needed losing
Found others on the way

Since the debacle I endured, I've found myself closer to some family members than ever before and I value that. Life is too short for toxic relationships. Nobody has the right to poison my life - only I have that right and I choose to not so do. There's enough others who want to make me feel bad, I don't need to help them do it.

Now, there's some other things else that should be said. There's no perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they are have probably got their own problems. Accept that you could have made some mistakes but did those mistakes damage her that badly? I think not.

For the sake of argument, let's say feeding her junk food, poor upbringing and depriving her of things hurt her. OK, she can throw a tantrum but by the time you hit 18-22 there's a thing called "personal responsibility"! By then, the parents obligations decrease dramatically. Even if she was fed poorly, raised poorly beforehand (and I'm not saying she way, again, in arguendo) it's time for HER to eat healthy, live a better lifestyle, grow up and be an adult. Adults need to accept their responsibility - not blame everyone else. Assign responsibility if appropriate then deal with it like an adult! She's long past the point where she can blame junk food as a kid or a perceived poor parent for her current life.

My biggest concern is not for her, but for her kids. I don't know if she's got a husband or not but there's some responsibility there too if so, and shows yet another lack of maturity and responsibility.

Lastly, this business of it's a dirty little family secret. BALONEY! It's a situation in life. Period. Don't try to hide it. Let it be known. I'm not saying attack her, but if someone asks who cares about you, why shouldn't they know that someone is trying to hurt you? I state facts, as unbiased and documented as possible and let people make up their minds. I tell them I have phone calls recorded if they don't believe me they can hear them and everything is stated calmly. I refuse to let them get me excited. Nope you're not going to raise my blood pressure (that much anyway). Someone who cares about you should know what's being done to you. I refuse to cover up the source of my family issue and when someone brings it up, yes I'll tell them my side of it. It's amazing how many people don't get both versions and what *should* they then think? I have stories on this too but this is long enough. My point is that if you try to hide this, cover up for her and think it's a "secret" you're only going to hurt yourself even more. I made that mistake for years. I learned my lesson. I hope you learn from my past mistakes.

Now one other suggestion. Go out and do something special for yourself today. I don't care whether you and hubby go out for an enjoyable meal, take a walk by yourself, buy or pick yourself a flower, read a book you've been wanting to read, go to the library, a museum or call an old friend and rekindle a past relationship. Just reward yourself and do something kind for yourself for doing what is right and taking this like you have. Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself on occasion. You deserve it.

What a nice surprise to return to the site and find so many helpful replies. I really do appreciate all the comments and all the good ideas.

I especially appreciate the idea of just being honest when people ask about my daughter. I hem and haw and dance around the question when people ask about her. I'm ashamed to admit that my own flesh and blood doesn't deem me worthy to be part of her life.

Honestly, it's also comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with a grown child that doesn't like her own family.

Also, someone above mentioned how hard this is on the other siblings. My other children have pleaded with me just to cut her off, because they're weary of hearing about her. In the last few years, she's cost our family untold emotional heartache.

Thanks again. I'm going to copy and save these replies and when I start to dwell on the sadness, I'll re-read these responses.

Hi hope full,

I'm glad that you were pleased to hear so many sugestions, and that others share your dilemma, on your return.

When people ask about her, you can make a simple reply, something like she's doing her own thing ... and we don't hear from her often.

I like the idea of not letting it bug you to the point that you belabour the issue enough with the others in the family that they get rather tired of hearing it. Please don't let this issue hang like a dripping cloud over your ongoing good relationship with them.

I like the suggestion of finding some unwanted kids to befriend, for you know how hurting that can be and it is often very comforting to have a relationship with another/others who have known similar heartache. Perhaps you might choose not to go on a crusade about seeking such a relationship, but keep yourself open to such an opportunity.

Good wishes as you set out on this aspect of your journey of life.

ole joyful

I wish you well in this path, it must be so hard. It seems to me your daughter in unhappy with her life and chose to blame you for it. I hope she makes a turnaround eventually and comes to her senses.