New on here. Not really consolation to see that Im not alone. I was a motherless daughter at age 7. I had a daughter at 20 in 1969. She is 43 now. I educated her alone, without a father. I made sure to be there whenever she needed me. I worked hard to be a mother, a father, a full family because there was nobody else around. She was a very gook kid, had a lot of friends in the house all the time. I fought my way to get a demanding professional job. I paid tuition in college to my daughter. At 17, she went around the world on some training program. I had confidence that she was well educated and could take care of herself. Came back, graduated from college. Had her own apartment at 18. She got a man friend in her twenties and anotherÂ, she was a cute young woman. She was partying, went into business, was very moderately successful. Made her presents that helped live better We were in what I can call terrific terms : shared some activities, I never pushed her into marrying or kids. Called her once or twice a month for a «how are you doing?» Would be together at Christmas and birthdays and be happy. Around 2008, she wanted to buy a house. She didnÂt have the cash. I am no millionaire but my house could be mortgaged to get some cash for her so that she could buy her house. A few years ago, my daughter fell «under the spell» of : a drug addict, penniless, violent, unfaithful, irresponsible in every aspect of life, ex jailbird with a brother an actual jail-bird etc. My tolerance to «the difference» and the «recoverable» has been seriously overstretched. HeÂs openly said that anybody who has more money than he, is fair game or owe to him. We are in that category, even if not by much. He has made her life miserable in all means, that she told me about herself. She would call mom crying and desperate «IÂm quitting, IÂm throwing him out» «But heÂs the love of my life!» She never left him. Seven years of that before I dramatically said «If youÂre to stay with him, donÂt come crying on my shoulder at every nastiness he throws on you : the list is very, very long. She texts and emails to my husband, her stepfather, (her business partner for a few months) how she will not take one idea or suggestion that may come from me Âimplying clearly be it good or not. IÂve had a reaction of «she definitely needs a kick in the ass to wake up». She would hang on me, tell me openly that she ditched my emails without reading them when I was only telling her that her behavior was very disturbing for me, and, I must say, in the view of quite a few other people who know her. Her answers deteriorated in the category, very rude « all you want is to control me and my life». My husband saying her repeatedly that she had gone too far got only a look out the window from her. He has to put up someway with her, they have some business together. After all IÂve done and given, I come to believe that her demand «tell me you love me the way I am» is nothing else than demanding the permission to hurt, humiliate, abuse by all means because «if you really love me, you canÂt hold it against me», which is a known way of this loser companion after his many foolishnesses. In those terms, love sounds like a currency she decides the value of. Love feels like a dirty word in that set up. It hurts a lot. It makes me want to suicide, to cry everyday. I went to see a psychologist who told me to forget, to think of something else. A mother can only worry and be shocked of such a late turn in a long loving, caring relation. A daughter who communicates with you or about you just to insult you while she is emptying your bank account (that is another aspect of the story) is profoundly disturbing. Unable to stomach her unpredictable scathing at me and, being told by a psychologist that he couldnÂt help me as I was not the sick one I ended up writing her letters using the kind of terms she now seems to «practice». She says she doesnÂt read any of them. It seems unreal! I donÂt know what is stronger the sorrow, the pain, the shame or the wrath. It is destroying me. Some psychologist told her to express her emotions, she says. ThatÂs quite a feat!

Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?

Hi, wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond to it. I came here for advice and other opinions on my situation and I sure got what I came for. One thing that keeps being asked is why she moved out. Everyone wants a clear cut explanation but teenagers are never that simple. The most obvious and probably the main reason is not hard to figure out. Tell me truthfully why do you think an 18 year girl old would want to live in her boyfriends house, hmmm... can't figure it out, could it be SEX. No couldn't be, she must've left because the evil stepdad makes her live under his awesome CONTROL. Please people, some of you have really hurt my feelings, do you really think I would be at a site like this, asking for help, if I was like that. Is that how you were taught to treat people who come to you for help and open their hearts for all to see? But what does that matter I'm just the evil stepdad, I deserve to be treated like dirt, right? But I do realize that none of you could possibly know all the details of my situation and you might fill in the gaps with things from your own experiences. Another reason she left is probably the same reason many young adults leave, they want their independance and freedom to do as they please whenever they please. No surprises there, just a typical teen. The last reason is probably me, I do take responsability for being part of the reason she left, however this takes some explaining and sets some of the blame back in hers and my wifes laps. But this also leads me to something else many have wondered about and that's why we don't get along so good. To explain this requires some background and explaining and a little bit of speculating. My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, he was a part of their lives until about 6 months before I came into the picture (kids were 14 (yes there's a brother, they are twins and I get along just fine with him)). The ex husband attacked her one time in front of the daughter, the daughter attacked the father and soon after my now wife obtained a restraining order against the father. That should not be taken lightly, I will say again, the kids have seen their real father abuse their mother. I should also explain that both my wife and stepdaughter suffer from depression and they both take antidepressants, nothing wrong with that just that they are known to have some extreme moods. My stepdaughter was also known for her temper tantrums, one example is, at a birthday party she spread her body over the candy that spilled out of a pinyatta (I don't know how to spell) so that none of the other kids could get HER candy. Picture this, a single mom raising two kids that she does not want to have a good relationship with their abusive father. He would give them anything they wanted to keep them in his life and then mom would do the same. To a teenager this must have seemed like she could run them both, anything she wanted she would get it from one or the other, she learned this early. Then comes the attack and the restraining order, she is cut off from her father. She started slipping away, I don't know why, I am no psychologist, she refused to go to school, withdrew from activities and friends, and worst she became aggresive towards her mother. Then I appeared, about 6 months after the attack, I met my wife on the internet in a chat room, we chatted, then phone calls till all hours of the night, we didn't know where the time went, until finally we met face to face and we knew we were in love. The daughter was not too happy about this, now she had to share the only parent she had left. The first words I ever heard from the girl was a very long email about how terrible her mother was and the awful things her mother had done to her (all lies or greatly exaggerated truths) and what a terrible person I was for even thinking about having a relationship with her mother. Her mother tried family counseling with no affect, until finally the daughter became violent with her mother and brother. I remember my wife telling me that she had to put a lock on her bedroom door because she was afraid to go to sleep at night. Soon she had her daughter enrolled and staying at, a school for troubled teens, all this done with the guidance and advice of trained professional counselors. She was not sent away and forgotten, my wife was a big part of her life, there several times a week and to take her out almost every week. While she was there she seemed to mature a little, but she also learned some wonderful things from the other girls, like self mutilation (yeah cutting herself to feel she was in control of something). My wife and I continued to date, long distance, two states away, for about two years. Then we got married and they moved to my state where we bought a house big enough for the four of us. (I should also mention that my wife is not so good with finances, we could not get a loan if her name was anywhere on the documents). I brought the family back together and made it clear from the start that violence would not be tolerated. Well, the daughter started right in trying to do whatever she wanted without regard for anyone else, she was not easy to be around. I really did try to have a good relationship with her but she would ocassionally express her disrespect (aggressively) and it would all fall apart. I know I am partly to blame here I am sure I could have reacted differently, any parent knows children can try you patience and being an inexperienced parent I guess I let her get me riled up. She had been used to telling her mother what to do and she would do it, now her mother would stop and say she needs to see if thats ok with her husband (some of you will try to twist that into controlling, give me a break, some decisions husbands and wives need to check with each other on). This new stepdad was getting in her way, now she really needed to get rid of me. My stepdaughter was in our house for about two years and that brings us to when she moved out. Not very eventful, she started dating this guy he was 25 years old and had his own house, she was 18 so she would stay with him most nights for about two months until she moved in with him. She knew exactly what she was doing and decided to give up living with us so she could be with him, she knew she was welcome to stay and she knows she is welcome to come back. But she also knows if she comes back she will have to follow a few rules and help out around the house. The way she has it now, she can come over and do whatever she wants when we are not home, not contribute anything to the household, then leave the mess and go sleep with her boyfriend. She gets the best of everything and none of the work or responsabilities. As for helping her with college, she does her homework at school, they have wireless at the library, and I should mention that my parents (her step grandparents) are helping to pay for her tuition. We do not provide her with food she works in a restaurant and her boyfriend is so cheap they don't have a full kitchen yet. Where all their money goes is a mystery, they both work, they heat with wood (in other words free) his mother bought the house they live in (no mortgage), no tv, no phone, I am surprised they have electricity. And guess what, drum roll please, she's pregnant. All the more reason I will not try to get in the way of her and her mother having a relationship, I guess I really don't mind her coming over when we are not home as long as she is respectful, the problem is that she is not. We do not even know she is coming and the only way we know she has been there is that things have been moved around, messes have been made and food is missing (yes she eats alot, she weighs about 250lbs). The time my wife told her not to come over when we were not there was when we both came home late from food shopping or something and we wanted to relax a few minutes and watch tv but the remote had disappeared. I know that I am welcome to go to my parents house anytime but I wouldn't dream of being disrespectful about it because I know they would tell me to not come over anymore. That's what my post is all about, my stepdaughter does not seem to understand that she has made choices and with every choice there are consequences. I was taught that parents are supposed to teach their children how to get through this world and be responsable, respectable adults. That's my real question is it better to let her do as she pleases or help her learn an important life lesson. It is not a matter of control it is a matter of an adult trying to help a child understand this world. Listening to some of your posts, I think it is way too late, and I need to let it go, so my wife can get to know her grandchild and try to be happy. Thanks again for all your posts, take care and god bless you all.

I used to think "family" was so important. As I aged I soon found out that "family" means nothing - it's your friends that count. Ideally, your family will be your best friends but often they can be your worst enemies (as I found out the hard way). This gives two choices, agonize over it and destroy yourself, or as I did, gather yourself together and realize "family" is a term of little or no intrinsic importance, concentrate on your friends including family friends and take deep breaths often. Coach yourself. How to deal with it? Well, have you coped with a death of close friend or family member? It's virtually the same thing. It's the death of a relationship. Accept that it's dead, remember the good times and you'll be able to move on. I accepted that someone else killed (murdered) my relationship with my father. I did not do it. By putting it in proper perspective helps coping with the situation. Not unlike a death, there's times it'll bother you, but it gets better and you move on unless you choose to keep it on yourself, drag yourself down and abuse yourself. Don't do that. It's not worth it. Sometimes you need to lose friends when they're bad for you. Sometimes our pretty skin becomes a festering boil. Do you continue to keep it because you've always had it or do you lance it, accept the short-term pain and move on. Why should ones who are technically "family" be treated differently than friends? A song lyric that means a lot to me is from Caledonia: I have moved and I kept on moving Proved the points that I needed proving Lost the friends that I needed losing Found others on the way Since the debacle I endured, I've found myself closer to some family members than ever before and I value that. Life is too short for toxic relationships. Nobody has the right to poison my life - only I have that right and I choose to not so do. There's enough others who want to make me feel bad, I don't need to help them do it. Now, there's some other things else that should be said. There's no perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they are have probably got their own problems. Accept that you could have made some mistakes but did those mistakes damage her that badly? I think not. For the sake of argument, let's say feeding her junk food, poor upbringing and depriving her of things hurt her. OK, she can throw a tantrum but by the time you hit 18-22 there's a thing called "personal responsibility"! By then, the parents obligations decrease dramatically. Even if she was fed poorly, raised poorly beforehand (and I'm not saying she way, again, in arguendo) it's time for HER to eat healthy, live a better lifestyle, grow up and be an adult. Adults need to accept their responsibility - not blame everyone else. Assign responsibility if appropriate then deal with it like an adult! She's long past the point where she can blame junk food as a kid or a perceived poor parent for her current life. My biggest concern is not for her, but for her kids. I don't know if she's got a husband or not but there's some responsibility there too if so, and shows yet another lack of maturity and responsibility. Lastly, this business of it's a dirty little family secret. BALONEY! It's a situation in life. Period. Don't try to hide it. Let it be known. I'm not saying attack her, but if someone asks who cares about you, why shouldn't they know that someone is trying to hurt you? I state facts, as unbiased and documented as possible and let people make up their minds. I tell them I have phone calls recorded if they don't believe me they can hear them and everything is stated calmly. I refuse to let them get me excited. Nope you're not going to raise my blood pressure (that much anyway). Someone who cares about you should know what's being done to you. I refuse to cover up the source of my family issue and when someone brings it up, yes I'll tell them my side of it. It's amazing how many people don't get both versions and what *should* they then think? I have stories on this too but this is long enough. My point is that if you try to hide this, cover up for her and think it's a "secret" you're only going to hurt yourself even more. I made that mistake for years. I learned my lesson. I hope you learn from my past mistakes. Now one other suggestion. Go out and do something special for yourself today. I don't care whether you and hubby go out for an enjoyable meal, take a walk by yourself, buy or pick yourself a flower, read a book you've been wanting to read, go to the library, a museum or call an old friend and rekindle a past relationship. Just reward yourself and do something kind for yourself for doing what is right and taking this like you have. Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself on occasion. You deserve it.