Adult daughter says actions speak louder than words

11 years ago

My Daughter and I have not had the best relationship over the years and now it's to a point where she doesn't believe I love her because I don't "show" her. To show is different for everyone and in my case I recently had to ask my daughter to leave our home, because she was having a negative impact on her younger sibling. This was not an easy decision as it is, but even harder considering she has my 3 year old grandson with her. There was much more at stake if she stayed. I have learned not to feel guilty but it hurts to hear that she is saying this about me and posting things on social media. According to her, I have never been there for her and she has always done everything on her own. I watched my grandson while she went to school and worked, made her lunch and breakfast before work when I could and didn't charge her rent. I do all of this because I love her. She chooses to continue a life style that is not agreeable to our family and has recently been a cause to a terrible incident with my younger son in school. It has been long over due for her to move out and she has a great job and a family of her own now. It's time for her to get herself together and start acting like an adult. Am I wrong?

Featured Answer

ireland33_gw

11 years ago

uI had been picking up my granddaughter two times a week at my daughters house in order to spend time with my granddaughter and also what I thought helping out.I would leave my house at 6;20 to get there early it was mentioned that arriving at 7 was to late so i made it more of an effort to leave earlier ,then we started noticing that when she would pick her up in the evening after work she would barely speak to us I would update her on the day what we did what her daughter ate ,naps etc...she would call ahead and say i'll be there soon have her ready,when i would n't have her ready she would let me know of her displeasure.My husband finally said ask her to drop of our grandchild on those to days because she doesn't seem grateful for your effort of that ride in the morning .So i called her and said I'm not going to be able to pick her up anymore can you drop her there's so many rules that go beyond me watching her we have a small dog and my daughter (her husbands idea)won't let me watch my granddaughter unless someone else is home with me my son or my other daughter for

fear of the dog.(i was so upset that we had to make these changes it made me feel that she didn't trust me I brought up her and her sister only a year apart and later watched two other toddlers in our home so i felt i more then qualified to watch her without extra help and our dog loves her and our granddaughter loves him.I'm overly protective anyways .But one day my daughter said I can't do this she is now 4 months pregnant and I said we'll talk about later.that evening she said so what's going to happen i can't do this anymore and it's only going to get harder i said well how about you bring her one day and i'll pick her up one day no she said it's to hard .Her sister said what ever you decide well i have someone that can take care of her and they make sure she gets a nap sometimes two naps and never send her home with a dirty face she said i told my doctor my pressure was up because you called me bitching .my husband jumped up and said i'm sure your mom wasn't bitching and don't talk to her that way I said I called you to let you know I wouldn't be picking her up and the different reasons.when she started comparing me and putting my care of her daughter down i just shut down she left and and came back in saying i'm not bringing her anymore i'll find daycare.She texted her sister the whole next day saying we burned the bridge this time we really "f' everything this time . She kept away for a week and a half no call no show and then said in an e-mail that her daughter was asking for my other daughter and the dog and couldn't inderstand why i wouldn't take care of her daughter anymore and didn't want any response except would I watch her one day I wrote back saying I will watch her anytime.Even in the e-mail there was rules for me to follow and it's been that way for years even before she had children I cry all time and I'm so emotionally tired of apologizing for things in the past and try to make things better but she never gives any effort to make things better. We feel that we're foster parents to her that we're here but we really don't matter.We're always compared to her in-laws who in her eyes never do wrong. She doesn't speak to me when she drops off her daughter or when she picks her up,I try but no response.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (10)

sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry.

Sometimes people get angry when they don't get what they want, & then they get spiteful.

& it sounds like your daughter's understanding of your relationship is that you give & she takes.

nothing you can do about her anger;
she'll either calm down & gain perspective, or she'll carry a grudge & everything will be your fault from now on.

I think I might post a reply *one time* on whatever social media she's used to badmouth you, something like:

I agree, actions do speak louder than words.
I made sure you & my beloved grandson had a home, rent-free, I took care of him so you could go to school, I made lunches.
etc.

& then don't read the hurtful things she says.

Let the next move be hers.

If she doesn't make it, let it be.

Maybe someone else, someone who'd been through this kind of thing, will have more concrete help to offer.

I do hope she calms down, & I wish you the very best.
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
There's nothing positive to be gained by starting a "tit for tat" on social media. It won't cause her to have an epiphany, it'll only serve to embarrass and anger her, and maybe escalate the vehemence.

I do think you could matter of factly state (in person) that your actions prove that you have been there for her and that you're disappointed and hurt she doesn't see it. Then, let it go -- you can't argue her into believing your side of things.

Lastly, don't cave and let her move back home. Having to manage a household MAY, over time, humble her and cause her to become more introspective.
Related Discussions
daughter and friend love/hate relationship
Q
Comments (9)
I've been there! My daughter and her friend (Lisa) have been friends since the age of 5. They are both 16 now! We're also neighbours. The girls were together every single day. Then at the age of 10, they went their own way till the age of 14. They just had different things in common. Now, they're the best of friends again! I remember one incident that is so very similar to the one you described above. I had had enough too! Lisa's mom called me to tell me what happened between the girls. My daughter told me what happened. Some things just didn't add up. Since I had had enough, I decided to nip this in the butt. My daughter and I went over to Lisa's house so that we could all discuss this together. Lisa's mom was so happy about this. Anyways, Lisa was caught in a lie and was punished. My daughter also saw that their friendship was worth more than gossip. That if they had a problem with each other, they were friends long enough that they should ask each other if the gossip was true. Everything worked out well and because we were all together, everything was confronted once and for all. Re your daughter leaving when Susie comes over. I'm not sure about this one though, because yr daughter cannot always run away from conflict. She needs to deal with it head on. You see what happened with my daughter was that "Jessica" was causing conflict between my daughter and Lisa because she was jealous of their friendship. Whenever Jessica and Lisa were together, my daughter would exclude herself and thus, was alone. She'd see Lisa on the street and was about to go say hello, but decided not to when she seen Jessica with her. I told her to go talk to Lisa and that if Jessica had a problem with her there, then Jessica could leave. It took my daughter awhile to work up the nerve to do it, but eventually she did and it gave her more confidence in herself to handle things. I've also had to deal with a mother who thinks her kids can do no wrong. I did the same thing as above. We drove to that kid's house and confronted him with the parents there. The boy denied everything, but his sister said that my daughter was right about how it happened. He was bullying her. His parents asked him how he could do that to my daughter since he had the same thing done to him and if he remembered how it felt. The issued got resolved! I strongly believe that confrontation with all parties involved is the best way to get resolved fast. This way, all the parents hear what each child is saying, which is lying, etc. Maybe it will open some eyes too! When my daughter had some "ownership" in some of the conflicts, I explained how her actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes kids don't realize or see what the consequences of their actions can do, especially at the age of 8.
...See More
Estranged Adult Daughter - Over Legal Will
Q
Comments (110)
"But back to money, if money is just money, then the SMs can give it up." Yes, so can the ex wife/husband, kids and all other relatives. As a child, if my dad passes before my stepmom, she will have to be taken care of until she dies. That may very well use up whatever my dad leaves because nobody knows how long she will continue to live. Her children are upset that she lasted long enough for her medical care to use up whatever she came into the marriage with. Her care costs more than her disability income she gets so... no inheritance for her kids. They aren't willing to accept that, they had to take it to court to hear a Judge tell them that there isn't anything left. Personally, the Judge should have told them that they can take over their mom's care and have her income. Oh wait, they were given that option and refused. They actually wanted to see if they were entitled to half of everything my dad has since it's 'community property'. Well, they aren't entitled to jack because my dad is alive and so is their mom. Impatient little buggers. My dad has worked hard for everything he has and if it ends up going to provide care for his wife because that's what is important to him, then he has my blessing. He's taught me what it means to do the right thing and he's taught me to be strong and make my own way in the world. All of his children have fairly successful lives and none of us 'expect' a thing. It's HIS money to do with as HE pleases and if he leaves it to his dog, that's also his business.
...See More
My adult daughter is disappointed in me.
Q
Comments (41)
I used to think "family" was so important. As I aged I soon found out that "family" means nothing - it's your friends that count. Ideally, your family will be your best friends but often they can be your worst enemies (as I found out the hard way). This gives two choices, agonize over it and destroy yourself, or as I did, gather yourself together and realize "family" is a term of little or no intrinsic importance, concentrate on your friends including family friends and take deep breaths often. Coach yourself. How to deal with it? Well, have you coped with a death of close friend or family member? It's virtually the same thing. It's the death of a relationship. Accept that it's dead, remember the good times and you'll be able to move on. I accepted that someone else killed (murdered) my relationship with my father. I did not do it. By putting it in proper perspective helps coping with the situation. Not unlike a death, there's times it'll bother you, but it gets better and you move on unless you choose to keep it on yourself, drag yourself down and abuse yourself. Don't do that. It's not worth it. Sometimes you need to lose friends when they're bad for you. Sometimes our pretty skin becomes a festering boil. Do you continue to keep it because you've always had it or do you lance it, accept the short-term pain and move on. Why should ones who are technically "family" be treated differently than friends? A song lyric that means a lot to me is from Caledonia: I have moved and I kept on moving Proved the points that I needed proving Lost the friends that I needed losing Found others on the way Since the debacle I endured, I've found myself closer to some family members than ever before and I value that. Life is too short for toxic relationships. Nobody has the right to poison my life - only I have that right and I choose to not so do. There's enough others who want to make me feel bad, I don't need to help them do it. Now, there's some other things else that should be said. There's no perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they are have probably got their own problems. Accept that you could have made some mistakes but did those mistakes damage her that badly? I think not. For the sake of argument, let's say feeding her junk food, poor upbringing and depriving her of things hurt her. OK, she can throw a tantrum but by the time you hit 18-22 there's a thing called "personal responsibility"! By then, the parents obligations decrease dramatically. Even if she was fed poorly, raised poorly beforehand (and I'm not saying she way, again, in arguendo) it's time for HER to eat healthy, live a better lifestyle, grow up and be an adult. Adults need to accept their responsibility - not blame everyone else. Assign responsibility if appropriate then deal with it like an adult! She's long past the point where she can blame junk food as a kid or a perceived poor parent for her current life. My biggest concern is not for her, but for her kids. I don't know if she's got a husband or not but there's some responsibility there too if so, and shows yet another lack of maturity and responsibility. Lastly, this business of it's a dirty little family secret. BALONEY! It's a situation in life. Period. Don't try to hide it. Let it be known. I'm not saying attack her, but if someone asks who cares about you, why shouldn't they know that someone is trying to hurt you? I state facts, as unbiased and documented as possible and let people make up their minds. I tell them I have phone calls recorded if they don't believe me they can hear them and everything is stated calmly. I refuse to let them get me excited. Nope you're not going to raise my blood pressure (that much anyway). Someone who cares about you should know what's being done to you. I refuse to cover up the source of my family issue and when someone brings it up, yes I'll tell them my side of it. It's amazing how many people don't get both versions and what *should* they then think? I have stories on this too but this is long enough. My point is that if you try to hide this, cover up for her and think it's a "secret" you're only going to hurt yourself even more. I made that mistake for years. I learned my lesson. I hope you learn from my past mistakes. Now one other suggestion. Go out and do something special for yourself today. I don't care whether you and hubby go out for an enjoyable meal, take a walk by yourself, buy or pick yourself a flower, read a book you've been wanting to read, go to the library, a museum or call an old friend and rekindle a past relationship. Just reward yourself and do something kind for yourself for doing what is right and taking this like you have. Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself on occasion. You deserve it.
...See More
hausband say bad words after he gives me gift!
Q
Comments (7)
I have not read this book, but plan to someday. The 5 Languages of LOVE. Everyone is different. Take the quiz (see link below). This was my score. I need "words of affirmation" to feel loved. Negative words hurt me. 10 Words of Affirmation 7 Acts of Service 7 Quality Time 6 Physical Touch 0 Receiving Gifts It's pretty interesting. It said this about me: Words of Affirmation Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important --" hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward!!! Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving! Take the quiz and see what YOU are....ask your husband to take it as well. Knowing what is important to each of you can help you two communicate and interact more effectively. Maybe his language of LOVE is gifts...maybe that's what makes HIM feel loved, so he does the same for you. And maybe this conflicts with his ability to pay for it. OR, maybe YOU have the love language of Gifts and he resents it. Anyway.....just a thought. Kompy Take the quiz below..see link!!! Here is a link that might be useful: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES QUIZ...CLICK HERE
...See More
lucillle
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Drinaz,

You are absolutely right.. Make your own happy life, and if she returns on your terms, fine.
ireland33_gw
11 years ago
should I ask if this is the way it's going to be I want to say so much in the morning when she drops her off but I shut down thinking she'll say I'm making blood pressure go up or upsetting her she's 5 months pregnant but now it's been six weeks since she hasn't spoken or do i just let it ride it's course
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
'rules for me to follow and it's been that way for years even before she had children I cry all time and I'm so emotionally tired of apologizing for things in the past and try to make things better'

Your daughter is abusing as well as using you.

If you don't lie down like a good doormat, she punishes you.

If you lie down like a good doormat, she punishes you because you're not doing it well enough.

Cut this nightmare loose, enjoy your life, get *your* blood pressure down.
ireland33_gw
11 years ago
i'm sure my daughter would say we're the abuser and playing games saying we'll watch our grandchild then when i said she'll have to drop her off she was doing it then one day flipped out and said i can't bring her and why i won't take care of her not once did I say I wouldn't take care of her .I'm always crying and can't get how she can come and go without saying anything when i say bye nothing in response. I know i have some blame but I'm the one talking and she doesn't want to talk /I guess I need to hear again that it's alright to let it go on like this and in the back of mind is the second baby 'baby shower etc.. what do i do i don't even talk with the the in-laws it's horrible i just want to scream and cry.... Sorry for all the whining Thank you for responding
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
The only way to stop playing a game in which the rules are "I win & you lose" is to *stop*.

Your granddaughter is the bait your daughter uses to control you.

If your granddaughter is in daycare, you no longer have a hook in your mouth.

Put her on notice that you will not be available for child care on (fill in date).

I wish you the best.
ireland33_gw
11 years ago
thank you for the responses .I'll keep everything in mind and your right about my granddaughter being the bait she has threatened in the past that we wouldn't see her if my husband and I didn't change .I'm the weak and basically stupid one, my husband is alot stronger when it comes to dealing with our daughter he will let her know how he feels while i shut down just for the sake of peace which is so wrong .I've never learned to have a strong back bone now it's getting back at me. I guess it's never to late ..... Thanks again for the responses
ireland33_gw
11 years ago
at this point my daughter doesn't speak to me i say something and she doesn't respond now i've gotten to the point that i'm just happy to spend time with my granddaughter and if this is the way it 's going to go i can't change that It just kills me when we're face to face and she doesn't even say anything versus not calling or coming over on her day off like she used to.I know I have fault in the past not wanting to talk to her on the phone after having a spat but I've never ignored when we've been face to face I guess this is what it serves me right or I don't know anymoreI know i haven't been the best role model but i have never said the ugly things she has said over the last couple of years. Even her sister has witnessed her and said she 's being down right rude I guess i'll just carry on this way...

Adult daughter says actions speak louder than words

ireland33_gw

Comments (10)

sylviatexas1

jewelisfabulous

Related Discussions

lucillle

ireland33_gw

sylviatexas1

ireland33_gw

sylviatexas1

ireland33_gw

ireland33_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US