hugs to you

I have been there too, and even tho you know how to get past this period of depression it can be a daunting effort. When I finally decided to see a MD, I could not speak on the phone. It is funny now, but I would call to make an appointment and blubber and sob so hard that I couldn't be understood. DH finally made the appt for me.... then I sat in that cubicle waiting for the Dr and as soon as he sat down, I couldn't stop crying. Bless his heart, he knew what I could not verbalize and gave me an anti-depressant.

Being depressed, for some people is a medical condition. I (now) can look back at my grandmother and my mother and see how miserable their lives became.... because of depression that was not treated. We are very lucky now days, that we know of ways to treat some brain malfunctions.... and are learning more about our brains every day. Do see your medical professional... they can help.

First of all, are you taking any new medications? Sometimes a medication can cause serious depression. If you are taking a new medication, tell your doctor about this reaction. If not, you must go see your regular doctor and discuss this with him or her. You are in a depression beyond every day once in awhile feeling blue and you need professional help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. I urge you to seek medical care ASAP. (((((angie)))))

Oh Angie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have had rough patches like this in my life, too. It sounds like you are putting on a happy face for the world, but in the privacy of your home you are falling to pieces.

You really must start with a visit to the doctor. I hope you have a good one. A little medication to get the cloud to lift could be a helpful thing. Once you can pull yourself together, you will be able to do what you need to do to be at peace with yourself.

Perhaps you can go to the gym or walking right after your volunteer work, since you are already out and about and it won't be such an enormous mental effort.

Hugs to you.

Angie, I don't think you realize that your depression is a MEDICAL problem and you can't really wish your way out of it. Do you see how much you are blaming yourself for feeling very sad? That right there says you need to see a doctor tomorrow. Please, please don't rationalize this. When I am hormonal I can become very sad and sometimes only realize later that I enlarge tiny problems and sadnesses when this is going on. I also recognize a form of ocd with the faith issues, as a relative went through this. The therapies are very good and things can only go up when you start. Your first and only start is to call your doctor and tell them why you need to get in asap, or if you don't have one, call any clinic and ask for a rec. If you cannot afford a doctor, call a public health clinic.

For a start, call a depression hot line; if that is too much for you, I'm sure one of us can look up a number for you.

It sounds like you are in a deep depression and need help to get out. You CAN get out.

((Angie)), you didn't mention your age, but are you on the birth control pill? They put me in a terrible depression. Shoot, I'd be crying before I even got out of bed. Dr. took me off (these days they could probably just change the dosage or brand) and I was fine after a few weeks.

So think about any meds you may be taking--know you aren't asking for advice but you came to the right place because the people here really do care. Any time you need a hug--just come here and we'll all give you big ones!

What's different about 'summer'?

You say you are not depressed away from home. Is there a problem there?

Make an appointment for a physical and ask for a referral to a psychologist or clinical social worker -- then GO!

If you can get yourself to your volunteer activities, you can get to the doctor. Put YOU first now. You owe it to your SELF. You are *valuable*!

Patti, I had the same experience with the birth control pill!

I also had a similar experience with a blood pressure pill...I think it was called Toporal......something like that. I would wake up with tears in my eyes, and go to bed with tears in my eyes. I would be driving down the street and start to cry for no reason. I told the Cardiologist it was the medication but she at first waved it off. She did reduce the dosage and I was half better. It wasn't until I went off it completely that the depression went away. That's why I asked if you were taking a new medication, Angie. Please, please, you don't need to go through this forever. There are medications that can cause it, but there are also medications that can help if it turns out to be a chemical imbalance in your body.

Are you sure you know what you need to do? You didn't say so in your post.. Get yourself to your doctor now.

Get up tomorrow and either phone the doctor yourself or ask your DH to do it for you.

Kicking yourself in the ass isn't going to make you better.

Do not be ashamed.

Do not feel guilty.

Do not hate yourself.

I'd suggest having a physical exam first to rule out things like thyroid disease (it's very common and depression can be a symptom of it). There's no shame in taking a anti-depressant if you need it, but rule out other physical causes first.

Don't feel that you have to go to church. Going to church does not make someone a Christian, your beliefs do that. Church might give you and your husband more opportunities to make some close friends though.

Hope you'll join us more often here at the Kitchen Table! We're good therapy. :).

and, yes. Go to your dr. There is no shame in having depression and getting treatment for it, just as there is no shame in having high blood pressure or diabetes and getting treatment for it.
If things are so very hard for you when you get home, perhaps you could call when you are at the place you volunteer.

Do ONE thing................

I agree with the other ladies...The first thing that you need to do is go to your doctor and discuss this depression with the doctor... Honestly it could be as simple as one of your medications that you take or the lack of a medication..You don't need to do anything except to go to your regular family physician and talk to him/her first..and start there..but do get help because it isn't a figment of your imagination...you need help and you need to get it sooner than later...

Been there and I know it is hard. I agree about the doctor but one thing that helped me was reading books by Noman Vincent Peale. He is down to earth with his suggestions. Try it.

Are you in your 40s or 50s, you could be going through peri-menopause. This will cause terrible depression. I think hormone therapy is about all that helps.

You are not alone..I have been there, done that myself. Please get yourself or, have DH take you, to a good doctor. You might have a chemical unbalance in your system that no matter how much you might want it to go away, it will not unless you get some medication....and believe me, there is no shame in doing so...it has saved my sanity. Please come to the table often...there are kind caring people here who want to be your friends.
Many hugs (((((o)))))
And of you want scriptures to read, you might find comfort in the the Psalms and in the New Testament rather than the Old.

Hi Everybody. Thanks for your kind words. I didn't expect so many people to reply. I am touched that anyone is concerned about me, and I don't feel so alone that others have felt this way.

I am 38. And I do take birth control, to control ovarian cysts and to compensate for my missing ovary (surgically removed). I also have vitamin D deffiency which I take prescription to treat. I don't take any other medications apart from narcotic pain killers ( half a tablet twice per day). I have a rare form of autoimmune arthritis, and I do deal with chronic pain. The type of orthritis I have (ankylosing spondylitis tends to come along with chronic vit D def- which can also cause depession) I also haven't been sleeping well due to pain and sometimes my mind just won't shut off. It's been 6 days since I have had more than a few hours of very broken sleep.

The reason I don't want to talk to my Dr is I don't want my pain pills taken away. I am afraid if he knows I am depressed he will not want to prescribe my medicine any longer. I have no active progression- so I don't need to take biologics like engrel, or humara- but I will need pain medication the rest of my life.

Another reason I am afraid to talk to my Dr, is I don't want him to think I am hallucinating or something. I honestly feel like there is evil in this world, and it attacks Christians. I bet you think I am crazy just for saying that. Can you imagine if I walk into my Dr's office and explain to him that I am struggling in my faith and also there are evil forces after me, that want to keep me depressed, want to break my marriage apart?

I did try anti depressants in the past and didn't have good experiences. This is something I have been dealing with for 20 years- I've tried therapy, lots of medications, and the only thing that's really helped is trying to stay in a routine, and get exercise and try to take extra care until it passes. This time it started early and it seems to be taking allot longer, and it hurts allot worse than usual. I think too many life events- moving, buying a house, relocating to a new town, too much time alone, etc.

I think the reason it happens in summer is that it gets too hot to go out doors and do my usual activities and being stuck inside too long might be part of it- that is the only reason I can think it would happen every summer. If it is nice outside I am out there gardening, walking, hiking, kayaking, whatever I can do outside. It regularly gets over 100 in July / August and it's just to hot.

I was ill with diverticulitis recently- and we also have allot of debt. All this stress has not made things easy in the bedroom- thus further weakening our relationship and also affecting our happiness. I miss being close to my husband but every time we try, my body doesn't respond the way it should. Perhaps there is something to this pre-menopause suggestion. I had an ovary removed and I have had to take BCP's to regulate my hormones otherwise I go in and out of hot flashes, etc.

I really don't have big problems just the same as everyone else- but to me they seem insurmountable at times. As I have said- this has been happening for over 20 years. I have even been hospitalized- against my will- for 6 months- so I am hesitant to talk with a mental health professional about it for fear they will confuse my religious beliefs with insanity.

We recently bought a house in a small town, and I don't know any one here. I started volunteering and am trying to make friends there- I think a big part of my problem is just isolation. But I seem to be paralized to leave the house and do much about it at times. I have read studies that regular exercise has as much benefit as antidepressant medications- I just wish I could get myself there.

I took one posters advice and did eat, and I did bathe. I also went to dollar store when my husband got home.

I am rambling badly- I need to stop!

I just wanted to thank everyone again. I have reached out to people in real life and no one ever cared. I feel weird telling strangers about my problems- but I am so horribly lonely I didn't know what else to do. Thank you for making me feel welcome.

Oh man, you are feeling bad about yourself or something! You said not to give advice, but wait, isn't that what good friends do?

As I read you note, I wanted to reach out to you but did no know how. I'm afraid that most of what I may suggest can be construed as "advice". I sense that you are examining yourself, your religion, beliefs, and questioning everything and nothing makes sense. It like standing on quicksand and wondering which way to step although there's quicksand in every direction - what's the use, but of you do not act, its a disaster also. There is nothing firm upon which to peg you psyche. Unfortunately, this pretty much describes our lives today. There is nothing firm on which to pin our hopes. Our religion may be the only glue we have that is holding things together and that is coming apart. First off, let;s get this straight: if you are feeling these pressures, you are not crazy; you are a realist.

Starting with this base that you are sane, but troubled, you can begin to rebuild your being a piece at a time. For example, your body may have a chemical imbalance that needs help. It might help to see a medical professional. Print out and take with you the things you have written to this forum.

I have more that I could say about religion, but that can wait and maybe that should be discussed privately since we are urged not to 'preach' on this forum or push our particular brand of politics. But hey! We do have opinions don't we and so do you.

Right now, you are pleading for help and that is the primary need. The very fact that you have asked for help proves that you have self worth and concern.

Have you discussed any of this with your husband/partner? Is he aware this is bothering you? I bet he doesn't but has a vague idea that something is not right. Maybe this is the time you 2 have a heart-to-heart talk. You are the best judge of whether or not this is a good idea. One thing for sure, this burden is too great for you to bear alone.

I'm pulling for you.

My mother takes narcotics (oxycodone) for her restless legs, as that is all that is left for her to get a few hours of sleep; she topped out on the Parkinson's drugs that are usually prescribed so that they don't work for her anymore. My point in telling you this is that when it's time to take another pill, she gets HORRIBLY depressed. It's the weirdest thing, as addiction usually shows itself as agitation.

Angie, there are physical reasons for your troubles. Have you tried non-narcotics for your arthritic pain? Methotrexate? Also, bcp can definitely have an effect on your mood, as well as bedroom activities--there was an article on that recently. Would it be so bad to go through the hot flashes? I have them and they're tolerable for me, though I haven't had them wake me....yet.

You didn't address the possible ocd connection concerning your religious worries. This is a real 'thing.' Perhaps you can read about it--not to be confused with true religious belief. The basis of Christianity is love, love, love. Do you listen to or read sermons or talks that are delivered by dommsdayers or people urging you to feel like a victim, with everyone persecuting you for your beliefs? Unfortunately there are people out there who are very good at this and in your fragile state, it's not a good idea. I consider myself a very religious person, grew up with "Catholic guilt," but do not feel evil is following me, far from it. It does sound like you have a bit of paranoia going on which can have much to do with your lack of good sleep and the narcotics. Yeah, I'm giving you all kinds of advice even though you emphasized how much you don't want it, because you are crying for help, as you should be.

And finally, getting only a few hours of sleep at a time is a recipe for messing up your mind. I'll reiterate: please try to find a good doctor.

I wish you could be gentler with yourself. I hope you understand that so many of the previous suggestions are really great and may help pinpoint your solution.

I'm a Christian and I've been where you are and I've discovered a few ways to take care of my physical, mental and emotional health. I think my approach has helped a lot and I feel content.

I started peri-menopausal symptoms a couple years ago in my late 30's. I was VERY anxious, somewhat depressed (runs in family and I've been there before), and couldn't think clearly or sleep. I lacked energy and motivation. I felt downright crazy...No joke.

To top it off, we had just moved into a home that needed more work than the inspector found (and I'm the one who does ALL house fixes in our family because I work well with my hands and am a stickler for details.) My to-do list was long and my energy was low. We were very stressed financially, and I was also getting back pain and sciatica, and felt worse than I ever had.

I finally had my hormones tested and was put on bio-identical hormones (Prometrium), and within a couple days I no longer felt crazy in my head! The two times I forgot to take it I went back to crazy/anxious/emotional SO fast. I'm still slowly paying off the testing fees that our insurance didn't cover, but I'm SO GLAD I got tested. Vitamin D is also VERY important to treat depression, so I'm glad you're taking it.

I then added an anti-depressant to take the "edge" off of my hectic life and realized I was a better mother and wife with it. No shame involved, all these things have helped me so much!

I've been researching health-related topics and came across research which leads me to wonder if I'm gluten sensitive or have adrenal fatigue. Symptoms are similar: depression, low energy, anxiety. If you're interested you can look them up for more symptoms. I read Wheat Belly (about gluten) and it was very informative.

I also read that 70+ years ago parents would give their kids daily cod liver oil to aid brain development. Notice, it isn't done much anymore and rates of mental disfunction are higher. Prepared foods have more fake things added and some have been altered genetically. All of this has to affect our brains and bodies.

Acidophilus helps our digestive AND brain functions. Ever hear of the brain-gut connection? Look it up. Maybe the diverticulitis is a silent part of your depression.

Remember to think positively. Your thoughts affect your mental health. They actually affect your brain and body chemistry!

Is your viewpoint that God is watching and waiting for you to mess up so He can rain down fire on you, or do you see a kinder God? Do you think you have to follow the "rules" perfectly or you're not worthy?

I decided to bypass those questions and give it over to God. I just look at my blessings, and often thank Him for ALL my life experiences. I seek wisdom, but try not to think I have to know all the answers. I follow biblical teachings, but don't feel I have "make" others live as I do.

God feels a love so profound we can't fully understand. He values you. He cares. He gave us free will so we can make decisions, but He also gave us a Book to guide us along. Some people's decisions result in pain for themselves and others, but some people can make decisions which make themselves and other people better. It's Free Will. We can't control other people's choices or the outcome most times--and the world can seem pretty rotten some days--but it's not supposed to be our "home".

We CAN live in a place of gratitude and gentleness in our dealings with others. I sure don't know what is going on in the life of those around me, but I can be kind and gentle and encouraging, even when I don't feel like it. I've never regretted responding kindly, but still cringe at hasty remarks I made years ago.

When you don't feel well it's much harder to be kind, so I hope you get better quickly.

In Eph 6:12 it says we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but principalities and wicked spirits. I might understand your idea about being persecuted for your faith. Some people resist God; some don't believe. Some people don't like Christians; some professed Christians don't behave in a godly way at all. But I am responsible for MY actions. It's a simpler way to think and take the world off my shoulders. Be kind to yourself.

Lastly, Mark Twain said, "Do one thing each day you do not want to do." So I tell myself to do that each day. Yesterday I tackled laundry. Today I fixed some cabinets. The action of focusing on resolving something brings more peace in your life. Initiating an action leads to more action. "Objects in motion tend to stay in motion."

Best wishes for you. Hopefully this helps and makes sense to you. I had to respond before sleeping and stayed up late to finish, so my brain is sleepy.

Good morning everyone.

Thank you so much.

This poster said it all. I am actually a little bit in shock that someone 'gets is'. And I mean exactly. I am going to print it off, to remind myself of her words. I want to thank you all so much for reaching out to me when I thought no one cared. Yes, I have talked to my husband. He is an introvert like me and he suffered terrible lonleness and depression for years. He never had a date or kissed a girl until he was 25. I was only the 2nd woman he had been with- he is very geeky and techy and dpent allot of time alone- I am lucky to have someone who understands. But he doesn't know what to SAY. Which is why I am so glad I came here.

"I sense that you are examining yourself, your religion, beliefs, and questioning everything and nothing makes sense. It like standing on quicksand and wondering which way to step although there's quicksand in every direction - what's the use, but of you do not act, its a disaster also. There is nothing firm upon which to peg you psyche. Unfortunately, this pretty much describes our lives today. There is nothing firm on which to pin our hopes. Our religion may be the only glue we have that is holding things together and that is coming apart"

This is just how I have been feeling.

"Angie, there are physical reasons for your troubles. Have you tried non-narcotics for your arthritic pain? Methotrexate? Also, bcp can definitely have an effect on your mood, as well as bedroom activities--there was an article on that recently. "

I have tried sulfasalazine, naproxen xr, celebrex? I can't remember them all. Since I don't have active fusions- just inflammation and arthritis- the things like methotrexate aren't a good choice for me. The side effects are too risky. When my spine decides to start fusing again and more damage starts happening. I will have to go on them. I am just putting it off as long as possible. My AS isn't as bad as some. My rheumatologist had me taking way to many pain pills- 2, 2x a day- 4 pills, sometimes 6-8 a day. I was getting physically dependant on them, so I stopped. I got very, very sick from withrdrawals when I did. I now see my PCP for my pain meds and am going to a new rheumy. I am not addicted not dependant, but thank you for addressing that. right now I take norco (hydrocodone 7.5/325). I split these pills in half. And take one half twice a day- so I am only taking one pill per day- my PCP assures me this will not cause physical dependance, and he is certain I am not at risk for psychological addiction. I've been taking these pills for about 5 years- and my mother is an addict of drugs and drink- so I am horribly paranoid about pain pills- it was only a few years ago I agreed to take them. When I was on the higher doses I noticed I had no motivation to do much, and I didn't like the fact that my body was dependant on them which is why I quit for a few months then went back to a very low dose.

Regarding BCP and bedroom activities- after they took one of my ovaries out and half the other one, I became a desert 'down there'. I could not respond. I saw my gyno and he gave us things to try- but my body just was going into menopause. I also had terrible hot flashes- they would wake me at night- drenched in sweat. It could be winter, 65 degrees, all windows open, me with nothing on, just unable to cool down. So the BCP help things function, keep menopause at bay, but I am starting to wonder if I need to try a different type. I take Mercette.

"n Eph 6:12 it says we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but principalities and wicked spirits. I might understand your idea about being persecuted for your faith. Some people resist God; some don't believe. Some people don't like Christians; some professed Christians don't behave in a godly way at all. But I am responsible for MY actions. It's a simpler way to think and take the world off my shoulders. Be kind to yourself."

"take a break from reading the old testament. Try the New. Once He comes, there is so much forgiveness in Him and he wants to show how mercy works. Why do I suggest this? I decided to do Bilble in a Year, and I ended up quitting for six months because of the old testament"

Things have been so hectic here- as one person said- moving, having little money and needing to make all these repairs on the new house. Finances have been stressful. I had hopes of planting trees, starting a garden (feral cat colony put a stop to that) and making all these repairs- grass seed was all we managed, and we had to put allot of things on the credit card.

The Old Testament- I turned to the Bible to strengthen my faith- to give me comfort in my time of need- and all it did was confuse me- where was the God I was used to? Now I feel scared of God and wonder if he punishes me with illness for not being good enough. All the time I read the OT it makes me feel heartsick. I stopped for a bit but always try to come back and muddle through, and the more I read of the OT the more I question my faith- which has had serious reprocussions for me. My whole life is hinged on my faith. I was abused as a child and was taken from my mom at 12. Foster care, then out on my own at 16. There has been no one to take care of me, but me. If you let something slip- you don't eat. If you are not on top of things, you may get your electricity cut off, kicked out, or not eat for a few days. I donated plasma, to suppliment my income- and I put books down my pants in order to make the minimum weight of 110lbs. My faith helped heal all of those hurts. I don't deal well with uncertainty, and when you start to question the one thing that has helped you all these years- even our marriage is faith based- everything just seems, like the poster said- quick sand and you don't know which way to step- every step is quicksand- but if you do nothing, you sink.

I've tried to reply to all of your questions. I hope I didn't miss anything. I did try to respond to the OCD thing, above. Talking has been very helpful. I know I write allot- it is hard not to let it all out when someone on the other end is willing to listen- and respond. I feel like other people have been in the same shoes as me, and those are the best people to hear from. Therapy is good- but this is therapy, if you know what I mean. I hope someday I can return the favor.

Angie

I'm praying really hard that you find the answer and can find friends and love. And remember, no matter what you read, God loves YOU!!!! Yes YOU!!!! unconditionally.

I had another thought. If you stay in the OT, try to read Psalms. David had it so badly, I feel like he really gets me. And the other Psalms too. I lost it all, physical, emotional, spritual, you name it. Here's how I got through the worst of it (public domain and I wrote it, but from a different website):

________________________
There have been times in life when everything seems to go wrong. Not that I am being negative, but the reality is, we do have to live in a physical world for now, and it doesn't always go like we wish it would. Wish is very different than need :) There were times, I'd lie down at the end of the day, weary with all the world on my shoulders, and some days it felt like it was sitting on my head! Sleep would be fitful and I'd lie awake staring at the ceiling. I'm not sure there is any worse feeling, but it's close to the worst I've felt, since it was a nightly occurrence. Until at last, desperate for peace, I would imagine my head laying on Jesus' lap, we two sitting under a shady tree and I would finally get some true rest. Some nights, that was all that would do it. Life is easier now, but I know, beyond the shadow of doubt, if ever I feel that way again, all I have to do is close my eyes, let him watch over me, and peaceful slumber will come. He, who never sleeps, will help me sleep. It's funny that it's not even something I can really do (lie in his lap) right now can be so much more powerful than the realities in which I live, but it is. I wouldn't give it up for the world, even if it never happens again.

Psalm 121
A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem.

1 I look up to the mountains
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.

5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.

7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

OK, you need to be around some people in addition to your DH. You need people who understand what you have been through as a child and what's happening now. You don't have family or friends nearby.

One Solution: Group therapy. Plus 'us'!

Stop with the old testament already! You're not Jewish, right? LOL

I'll leave the faith discussions to those more versed in it and with a stronger faith than I have.

Is there a pain clinic in your area? Unrelenting chronic pain can be debilitating and a pain clinic can give you coping mechanisms. Are there naturopathic stores or clinic in your town? Often times they can test your health and body to see if it is out of balance and perhaps give you some better and healthier alternatives or additions to what you are using now.

I can hear the pain through your words and I hope that you can get through this. If *talking* about it here helps then keep at it. Lots of great listeners here who care.

I agree with stopping the Old Testament! If you are a Christian, as you state, the New Testament has fulfilled the promises of the Old Testament and is thus far more relevant for you. It is called the Gospel--good news--for a reason!

That said, I too find enormous beauty and comfort in the Psalms. David evidently went through terrible periods of depression, too! It is impossible not to relate to his honest moods.

I am praying for you that the Lord will give you the answers you need.

Angie,please find out first if you have a clinical reason for depression.Also I suggest until you find a church to watch Sonlife Broadcasting Network.It is very up lifting and educational and it has helped me get through some really tough stuff.If you don't like it you can always turn it off,but I get a lot of comfort and guidance from there.

Hi AngiePangie,

What a rough time you've been having!

Sometimes when we get into deep water ... we're inclined to thrash about, trying to keep afloat. But it doesn't work very well and sometimes folks darn near drown.

When one is in deep water, if one lies back and relaxes ... one floats.

As a former clergyperson, if I'm required to believe that some of the things that God was reported to have said in the Old Testament are real, I'll find it very hard to do so.

Also ... have you noted that about half of the requirements in the Ten Commandments are negative? Don't do this, and don't do that, we're told.

When a kid is small, we tell him not to go near the stove ... but when he gets older, if he doesn't learn how to manage the stove ...

... he's either got to find some female who's not only smart enough to have learned how to manage the stove (and willing to put up with him) ... or eat raw food for the rest of his life (or visit Macdonalds or some place of similar ilk oftener than once daily).

Better to learn how to look after himself!

God isn't just a boss who lays down a lot of laws and just waits for us to miss following a few of them ...

... but a being who loves and cares for us.

If Jesus were to go walking on our streets today, don't you figure that much of what he'd say and do would have either one or other of two results:
-many would ignore him, and
-many would be so put off by his way of life that they'd get rid of him, like we did last time.

Have you noted that Herod, who was operational officer under the Romans in Judea, didn't find fault with Jesus, nor did Pilate, the judicial officer in charge of ensuring that the Roman rules were followed?

A closer examination of the situation shows that it was the religious bunch that said that there wasn't room enough in the world for his way and theirs ... and that they knew who had to go.

Sometimes the religious folks take themselves awfully seriously. And have ready-made answers to all of life's problems. Sometimes we find it hard to sit and listen ... for sometimes God doesn't speak in the thunder and lightning ... or the earthquake ... but in the still, small voice.

Offering some prayers for you and hubs, trusting that you'll be able to work things out.

(((((angiepangie ... and hubs)))))

ole joyful ... of the liberal Protestant, non-conformist tradition

What is Sonlife, is i available online? We don't have cable TV.

I think I have identified some possible reasons for my depression-

many major life events- selling a house, downsizing to a small house (800 sq ft)

Credit card debt and other money issues- medical bills

Health issues- been low on D for some time, pain, etc.

Reading the Old Testament

Spending too much time alone

Lack of exercise and being indoors too much

I am going to try and tackle it as best I can. I do volunteer once a week at the local free lunch- and I am beginning to make friends with a woman there.

I am going to stop reading the OT. It was a goal I had set to read the entire Bible- but it is doing me some serious harm.

My husband says I have black and white thinking.

Joyefulguy, it is nice to hear from a clergy person. I hope and pray that God will help me out of this confusion on all matters. I can't seem to make any decisions or come to any firm opinions about anything. The more I think on it the more confused I get and my thoughts are so loud I don't know if I could here God were he to speak to me.

My husband got paid this week so I am going to start painting the house. It's small so it shouldn't cost much. I think a project will do me good. I am horrible at choosing paint colors tho. especially in my frame of mind. I could use some work, to keep my mind busy and my body. If I choose the wrong color I guess I can just paint over it.

Here is a link that might be useful: my thread about paint

Angie:

Praying for you and sending good thoughts your way. You might want to search online for a good church that offers free podcasts - ours does.

hoovergal

Angie, I'm sooo glad to read you feel ready to take some steps! I'm especially glad you will leave the OT for now; as someone else said, it's terribly negative and frankly, downright scary in parts if you take it at face value--it was written for a different reason than the NT, along the lines of what Joyful said.

Great idea to paint! Don't worry about the color. I'm really bad with color too and had my family room painted a strong yellow. It looks terrible with the brick of the fireplace so I'll have to redo it one of these days. Oh well, it's just paint. :) Keep looking up, Angie!

Hugs to you both. I was in that spot several years ago. It is no fun, but remember one thing. things can only get so bad and they have no place to go but better. Many hugs and prayers to both of you
Also many good suggestions here. We are always here so come back often.

Oh my dear...my thoughts and prayers are with you. One thing you said was that you did not think you could be "good enough". Angie, we are saved by God's grace, not by good works....if it takes being good enough, none of us would have salvation. Get out of the OT, except for Psalms, and read the gospel of good news in the NT.

You have so many things going on on your life to cause your depression, but do confide in your doctor and your minister...help is on the way...and you have a host of new friends on this forum. Good luck and hugs!

Thank you everyone so much. I will refer to this thread often over the following weeks and months to give me encouragement.

I got some paint chips and samples, came home and couldn't decide, and it made me cry- can you believe that? Sheesh. I finally chose a neutral color as a compromise, It will allow me to pain and get my house back in order- but it's not a color I will hate and regret. Until I am thinking a bit better and can make better decisions I will leave it at that.

I once painted my bedroom yellow and it glowed so bright I could not sleep. It was like someone took a highlighter to the walls. I changed it that night. I see all these houses, even small ones with wonderful color schemes- I wish I could be that creative! My house is open plan so it is a new challenge.

Thank you for all the kind words, thoughts and prayers. I will keep you updated on my progress.

Next week, I am going to make my best effort to eat right (not wait until 3), walk the dogs and try for the gym. If after a week or two I am not feeling allot better, I will see my Dr. I had a full physical recently- but maybe I need to change BCP brands, possibly and antidepressant. I realized my fear of seeing him is unwarranted. It's not like I want to end my life. I saw him last year for anxiety, and he gave me xanax- and he didn't threaten to take away my other medication- so I think I am safe in confiding depression to him.

Does any one want to share what medications worked for them? I tried several in the past but the side effects were awful- sexual side effects from my last antidepressants took TWO years to go away. The Dr told me I may never have sensation again- but thankfully it came back. Others have made me unable to sleep- jittery or just too sedated. Finding the right pill can be hard- having to try many till you find one that works, etc. I know there are some newer ones out there. When I was taking them it was way back in the days of prozac and zoloft, amytriptelene, etc.

Ps here is what I look like. I thought you might like to put a face to the woman you are helping. Feel free to do the same.

^ that is a good day- this is my best picture. Than you for the psalms, and advice about David. I will start there. You know, this has been the first time any one has responded to me in a faith based way. I'm so grateful for the verses.

Yes, I do struggle with being 'good enough'. I've never really felt grace. I think allot of people struggle with that.

I am off to paint a bit more.

You are Beautiful! Keep this pic posted in a place where you can see it frequently. It should help you very much to have the courage to do the things you know you need to do, to get back to that state. ((((()))))))

angie do not give up,You will be in my prayers and thoughts ,I am a worrier and can not help being a worrier.I worry about ashley and my grandbaby and the new one ashley is fixing to have in feb.And greg is the same way.Greg;s mom is very sick.she does not knowhow much greg worrys about her.She has that disease where she can not remember nothing,I say this to let you know I know what you are going thur.Hugss Judy

Citalopram works for me and I don't notice side effects.

Also, take some time to look up decorating pics on houzz or Pinterest and pay attention to what styles and colors call out to you. I found I liked soft blues and whites and greys as they calm and soothe. Kind of a modern cottage look. I try to duplicate a look as best I can with what i could find cheaply or spray paint decor to save on buying new things. Look for decor or painting forum for specific advice.

Angie, hugs and prayers are coming your way for both you and your husband.

I take both Xanax and amitriptyline.I never took any of that stuff until I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago.My dr put me on Xanax because I couldn't sleep,just worried about what they would find and what they would do about it.As soon as my head hit the pillow,my brain went into overdrive.

The amitriptyline he gave me after chemo as I had neuropathy in my feet.I'm still on both,but low doses,

I get up every morning and thank the Good lord for another day,and that I use it to honor him.

I stay busy,love to garden,sew,quilt ,crafts,and every night after dinner I cross stitch while listening to the tv until I go to bed usually around 2am.We're retired so I can get up whenever I want.

You've been given a lot of good ideas and i'm sure some of them will be a big help to you.

My favorite quote is "This too shall pass".Prayers and good thoughts for you.You will come out of this funk,of that i'm sure.
Kathi

How pretty you are, and what lovely eyes! I do hope you can find your way through this. I find "This too shall pass" helpful as well- knowing that a year from now, I probably won't even really remember what got me upset. Ten years from now, I won't remember being upset.
I have found that for me, high dosage fish oil capsules help a lot with depression for some odd reason- and they're good for you too! Consult with your doctor but I doubt they would interfere with your other medications.

My DH had a spell of severe anxiety in 2009 that took three months to overcome. Xanax just made him dull and stupid-feeling.

He's been fine taking 20 mg. Cymbalta (morning) and between 0.50 mg and 1.0 mg. Abilify (evening). His doctor can't understand how so little Abilify makes a difference in mood, but it does. Three tries at eliminating the Abilify have each resulted in DH developing RLS at night.

These two paperbacks were helpful:

"Hope and Help For Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes.

"The Portable Therapist" by Susanna McMahon, Ph.D.

DH is an adoptee who was never told. He was raised by an emotionally abusive adoptive mother after his adoptive father died when DH was nine. We found his birth family when he was in his forties. There is some depression in that family.

A problem we encountered was finding a psychiatrist who does more than monitor meds. DH's current doctor actually practices the talk therapy he studied in order to become a psychiatrist! DH continues to see him alternate months. (Hooray for Medicare and a good supplemental insurance policy!)

You are very beautiful, Angie! Thank you for posting your picture--I've never had the guts to do that. I agree that it's great fun to peruse Houzz, and a great time-sucker too. :) Just having newly painted walls, whatever the color, will feel good. My oldest dd decided to paint her bedroom wall yellow when she was in school, with her landlord's ok. She got some friends to help her and when they had finished a wall she stepped back and realized it was pretty much neon yellow. She also said there was no way she would be able to sleep with that! So back to the store she went for a much toned-down yellow. I love the color because it's so cheerful, but when I put it on my walls somehow I don't love it as much.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but I don't get why you feel unworthy and that you are not living up to what you see as a Christian ideal. Do you know why you feel this way? Again, it sounds very much like obsessive/compulsive disorder, as I helped someone through a VERY similar situation. It's much more common than you think and very treatable by a trained psychologist. (There are different forms of ocd and many don't involve rituals, like washing hands over and over.)

I hope you'll keep posting; as you can see, we care about you!

I have never suffered from the kind of depression you have and don't mean to be flip but IMHO you should read the New Testament instead of the Old Testament. Pick out some passages that make you feel good and read and meditate on them. God loves you; you are a good and worthwhile person; you are important to your family and other people who love you. Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

This is not advice, rather just facts for you or anyone else here reading.

Antidepressants "can" be very helpful for depression. that said, the highest rates of success are found when people combine antidepressants with therapy.

Depression is "very" treatable. Such a sad thing, that depression is so so painful, and so many live with it day after day, when it is absolutely treatable.

The brain can sure play dirty tricks on a person, can't it? Im sorry you struggle with this. From someone who knows.

Hi Angie,

Chronic pain is it's own brand of hell, isn't it? I have severe Crohn's disease (and, as an off shoot, a type of non-damaging arthritis and psoriasis). I understand the pain issue! You said you're disease was not progressive enough or not as of now to warrant biologics, but I wonder if it woudn't help. I take Remicade, started in Jan 2010, and though I still have some degree of pain, it wasn't enough to make me feel like just waking up was too much trouble. I had to stop Remicade back in Dec '12 due to lack of insurance--fast forwards to now, and I have pain constantly, no energy (fatigue seems like such a small word to describe how I feel), inflammation in my guts and elsewhere and sleep problems. Remember, inflammation causes fatigue, and as you probably know from experience, fatigue can muddy your cognition (I believe they call it brain fog), slow your body and generally produce a sinking malaise that threatens to take you down. Therefore, I wonder if a biologic might help with your overall pain levels? Maybe you could talk to your Rheumatologist about it? See if they have any recommendations. I feel like they would be better than a family physician in understanding how inflammation and chronic pain can affect your mental well-being.
Also, when my pain is bad, my sleep is horrible. I think insomnia is the wrong word--let's just call it disordered sleeping (can't fall asleep till 5, 6 in the morning, get a migraine when I sleep past 11 am, and such nonsense). Maybe a biologic would at the very least reduce your inflammation to the point your cognition can rebound.
...(also, I understand low-low sex drive--makes one feel like a very pathetic person in a partnership. And, surprisingly, being on Remicade, for one reason or another, does help my sex drive--perhaps bc it's acting on the inflammation which is negating the inflammations usual cascade of horribleness?).

Still thinking about you. How is it going? Don't forget you have all kinds of support here. Unfortunately for us, many of us thoroughly understand what you are going through. but believe me, it will get better. My cousin's husband used to tell her to take one day at a time, and if that wasn't sufficient, take one hour at a time. It is good therapy. All the best from one of the many of us who cares!

Allot of things make sense when reading here....

Questions to Billy - Answered (From the Discussionboard of FIGU)

Here is a link that might be useful: Questions to Billy