OMG! Issie, Teens can scare the life out of you. Been there.

Keeping positive thoughts

He called, they are going to the dam to watch the sunrise, said he is coming home after that. Not happy about the whole situation. I understand he is spreading his wings and is 18 but still...He is with a group of kids the only thing I could do is tell him I would come get him...said fine, told him I was not happy though. He has never really had alot of friends growing up, only 2 really so I hate to get upset. I told him things would get better after High School. (wont have to put up with the large% of idiots at HS per his words) This is what I have been hoping for him, more friends more social stuff (his Aspergers always got in the way of social stuff)

I am tired, re-read my post, told him fine as in fine go ahead, but still. He didn't have much choice because he is not driving. Guess he will just catch HELL when he gets home.
But not too much, want to keep communication open and not alienate him. This social stuff is really new for him.

Got home a bit ago at 5:50am, left truck at friends was too tired to drive home. He seemed fine. He will have to get up in a few hours to get truck, husband has to work at 11am.I won't be sleeping until tonight. He went straight to bed, will talk with him later, told him so.
This is all way to new for me!

Your truck, your son, your rules.

Personally I never believed in curfews for this very reason.
My mantra was always just let me know if you won't be home so I know you're safe.

He doesn't want to look like the mama's boy who has a curfew when his friends are out and about. Will he be going to college? How will you keep tabs then?

Again you have every right to be upset that he didn't bring back the vehicle when he said he would. But the time is kind of a non issue. At least for me it wasn't and they turned out fine.

Why does an 18 year old have a 9pm curfew? I can see if you needed the car but if you were just setting limits to set limits, its time to let go a little bit. It sounds like he was out having a good time and felt the pressure of calling mom but didnt really want to leave the party yet.

I tell my kids, let me know where you are, if you arent coming home, call. By your post, it sounds like he was forced to committ to a time to come home which is real hard to do when you're out having a good time. I wouldnt be too hard on him. You've raised a good kid that you've never had any problems with. Calling mom to ask if he can stay out is something a child does, not an 18 year old. Calling to let you know where he was and whats going on is one thing, but you said several times you told him to get home. WHY?

You are absolutely right to be upset that he didnt do what he said he was going to do, but I also think you need to rethink what you're asking for. There is no reason he needed to be home at any specific time.

I'm an older mom (58) of a 19 yr old son so you know I'm old school. IMO I would figure a "grad party" to be an all nighter, like prom. If he has his cell on and lets you know where he is, I don't see the problem for a one special night. If he was having a great time he probably didn't want it to end. Unless he was high as a kite or stumbling down drunk, I would say this is normal teenage behavior I could live with. Plus he was smart enough not to try to drive home when tired. Sounds like you have a good kid who's been raised right. IMO.

I never really had a curfew. I knew my father never went to bed before my sister and I came home. We knew his normal bedtime and set it at that. It was different if we were out baby-sitting and relying on someone else to return home. We had keys but Dad would be up to welcome us back. We respected him for his concern and the security it provided and that was our "self-imposed curfew". That was many, many years ago. Times may have changed but I'm not sure I would fit in with today's reality.

I don't see that she said he has a 9:00 curfew. She said that he told her he'd be home around 9:00.

The way I'm reading the posts is that she is upset about the continued change in his expectation of when he'd be home, and his sort of not planning ahead, then letting it get out of his control (not being near his own transportation). Sounds like a responsibility issue (that he's learning to mature in), not a broken curfew.

Izzie?

Suzieque

It's maybe not a curfew in the literal sense but this constant setting of a specific time thing.

At 18 my DD went off to Hawaii with a couple of friends to celebrate having graduated.

Son was attending DefCon in Vegas before he turned 18. Yeah I worried but I had to trust that I'd done a good job and he had decent judgment. The word "judgment" is an oxymoron when used regarding DefCon.LOL

Most teen/young adult parties didn't even start 'til closer to nine much less end by then.

I think some of us are just questioning the unrealistic expectations of an 18 year old's social time frame. He's a young man. His age may say "teen" but he's old enough to go to war and die for his country.

wildchild, I can relate. Son has been to 2 JCons in Orlando.

shaking my head and laughing..

Izzie, your say your son has Aspergers.

I think that you are just looking at a young man who has little experience with large parties and had no idea setting out, what to expect. You mentioned that he has not had a lot of friends through HS.

My daughter is not that old yet, but if she has no idea what to expect in a situation, and the situation keeps getting more interesting and more complex, she would not be sure how to act. Her best bet in unfamiliar settings is to follow the lead of others.

Could this be what your son did? My daughter cannot spin on a dime and make fast decisions in new surroundings, she needs to know exactly what is expected of her.

Good luck. It sounds like he's a bright young man who just learns to deal with new, unfamiliar social situations.

It was that he kept changing the times that got me the most.
He is somewhat behind socially than others his age, always has been.I would put him at about 15yrs for social maturity.(see aspergers) I have always had to push him a bit to become more mature. I even sent him to Spain on a class trip last summer thinking that would help, it did. He only recently got drivers lic. and that took 2 years of practice before he passed. Maybe I am becoming my mom. Some of his newer friends he made his senior year have gotten a bit goth lately. I have seen his searches on our computer on marijuana, maybe curious about it, didn't say anything to him, don't want him to think I am spying. He is somewhat naive still so I kind of have to watch out. Still sometimes have to explain about some social situations. Yes is enrolled to go to Community College to work towards 4 yr degree in I don't know yet.

I thought he was going to skip the teen years and go straight to adult but his teens have just come later for him. (yikes, and me)

I have an Aspergers grandson and I know exactly how you feel. Your son is now doing what 'normal' kids did 3 or 4 years ago. It is great that he was with friends. Most Aspergers kids don't have many friends. Good luck to both of you.

What's wrong with an 18 year old having a curfew?
If he/she lives in your house they play by your rules.

Allowing him to stay out all night just because he's 18 isn't a good thing. Now more than ever they have to accept the fact that they have responsibilities and obligations. And they have to be respectful of you and your rules. Period.

I have a nephew with Asperger's. I understand where you're coming from. He still has to live in the real world, he still needs to have boundaries.

I believe it was MonicaPA that said, "Parenting isn't for sissies."

izzie--have you met these friends? When younger, my friend's son with high-functioning Asperger's (who is a senior in high school this year) tended to make friends with "troublemakers," probably because they seeked him out. He was a lovely boy when I knew him but always willing to go along with the group, even when the behavior was something he knew would get him into trouble, because he was having fun. Again, the decision-making wasn't always spot-on. They live further away now and I only talk to my friend once a year, so I don't know how things are for him now, socially. I guess my rambling point is to make sure you know his friends if you possibly can. He may have wanted to leave the group earlier but didn't know how to go about it.

P.S. Good for him for not driving when he knew he was too tired!

I believe it's the Asperger's that complicates the situation, not his age. His social development is not the same as it is for kids his age that don't have this disorder. It's a whole different level of "worry" that the OP poster has to deal with.

We had a weekend midnight curfew while the kids were in high school unless there was a special event. Once they were off to college away from home, I just let it go. But I was always nervous about 2am and being on the road when the bars close. That is when the number of drunks on the road increases around here, so I always wanted them home before 2 or staying at the other kid's house. It was a serious concern, but it also gave me a good excuse.

My daughter's friend was burned to death in a car hit by a drunk driver while being driven home by the woman for whom she had been babysitting, and that woman had been drinking too and also died in the crash. My kids understood my worry.

sorry but i totally agree that rules are rules no matter how old your child is when he's using YOUR car! you're the one responsible if he'd had an accident, the car stolen, etc...

my kids, lol, even to this day, respect my curfew i set years ago. they had to be home by 1:30...they're adults with families of their own, but if they come here, they're in my home!

i'd talk to him and explain why you are upset and what he's going to have to do to regain the use of the family car. i'm glad he had a nightout with with friends and realized he was too tired to drive (plus side). you don't mention if he has a job or is continuing his education. these are all points of responsibility he's got to know!

now hope you had a better day! lol...

He has told me a bunch of what they were doing, he is most always very truthful. They were at the boy who was driving house. His mom was there and she was the special ed teacher from Jr High and remembered my son/name, he has a older brother that has "rain man" memory on roads and giving directions. I know one of the girls. I guess when they were leaving Perkins (restaurant)they were being goofy and were dancing around in the parking lot. Someone thought they were drunk and called police and they were pulled over about 1 minute after pulling out of parking lot. I guess that really scared them (good!)Police asked for all(5 kids) of their id's and he checked all of them. Checked car for any alcohol, questioned driver. I feel better, wasn't getting into trouble but he has lost use of the truck for a while. Had a good talk with him. Since this is new to him I really need to be more clear about my expectation, for kids like my son I can't assume, but do need to understand to an extent his confusion.... but he doesn't get off the hook no matter what. He was almost in tears when we told him we were disappointed about this situation.

Your son is a special kid, and his sensitivity reflects your talent at Mothering.

My kids didn't have a curfew, BUT the car did. Many of their friends lived way out on lonely dirt roads and I didn't want them driving home alone late at night, especially my DD. Their friends thought it was crazy, but they all respected my wishes!
And as Shielajoyce said, I did not want them on the roads when the bars closed!
Kathy G in MI

You know, there's probably a part of him that is relieved that you're looking after him even though he's out with friends. I was very surprised to hear that from my girls when they were in high school. Sometimes they would get out of things they didn't feel comfortable about just by saying "Mom won't let me."

We slept in a front bedroom and when they got older, the last one in turned off the post light. I never slept soundly till that light went out. You better believe if I woke up in the night and the light was still on we'd be looking for them. No cell phones back then. It would have helped.

Think you're doing a great job as a Mom.

Izzie, my 20yo son has Asperger's also. Mine does not recognize stern voices (or gritted teeth that would make my other children behave!)

You're lucky you've never had to discipline him before. My first "regular" kid was like that, but not the Aspie. If I ever laid out rules or ultimatums for my other kids they towed the line. I thought is was because of his nature that my Aspie could never grasp an ultimatum.

I second perdita's opinion--sounds like you are doing a terrific job of raising a fine son, izzie!