Hi Sally. It isn't easy to have people move into your space no matter how much you love them. It is a blessing to spend more time with Chris.

My older son is allergic to cats and when he came to visit it was always a problem while I had my old cat. If the weather was warm the cat could live on the screened porch, but not in the winter. All the cleaning in the world couldn't rid the air of cat allergens. The cat died and solved that problem.

I wish your son and daughter would help more. It's only fair, if they are living with you. Being a MIL must be difficult. You may need to bite your tongue to maintain good relations. Let's face it, Chris won't get malnutrition from the occasional dinner of popcorn.

I bet they are feeling very disoriented after leaving the Navy and trying to get on their feet. They are lucky that you can provide a home while they go through that process.

You're a good mom and grandmom. Try to focus on fun times with Chris and just do the best you can with the rest of it -- but don't let yourself become a doormat. You may have to remind them that you need some help and also some private time.

Good luck!

This is purely my impression based on what you wrote above so I might easily be way off base. But I'm wondering if DIL just feels like more of a guest in your home than a resident. Especially since it's only temporary, that guest feeling might just make her uncomfortable going into the kitchen (your domain) and preparing things.

So, she might not really give Chris popcorn dinners all that often under normal circumstances. But maybe you don't buy the same kinds of things she does. She's used to her own kitchen, her own way of doing things, maybe not in sync with what you do or what you'd like her to do, but still, that's her choice.

Also, if your son (her DH) has been away, she might not be so much in the family groove. She's used to it being her and Chris, and now that her husband is home, especially once they establish their own home, her routines in the kitchen may change.

You might not know the answer to this but just how long will they be staying with you, approximately? If it will be a month or so, I wouldn't sweat it and just go with the flow. If it's going to be more like a year, then you probably do need to set down some responsibilities for both your son and DIL so that you won't be killing yourself trying to do everything.

The cat issue is very difficult. If she just didn't like cats, I'd say too bad, deal with it. But if she is physically suffering, that creates a medical situation. Any chance you can house the cats elsewhere, with a friend maybe, till they move out? Or do you kinda figure that having the cats there will give them extra incentive to move on?

It definitely sounds like a situation with both good and bad. Your household dynamics are turned around 180 degrees. But I bet when they leave you'll miss it all, anyway, at least for a few minutes!! LOL

Not the cats fault people moved in. They knew a cat lived there and made the choice to move in. It might help to give kitty a bath. Use really warm water in a sink and baby shampoo. Cats body temp is higher then humans so they need really warm water to be comfortable. Lots of sweet talk and petting... my cats think being shampooed is a form of petting. You should see a dramatic reduction in shedding. Kitty gets nice clean fluffy fur and will be happy with the end results.

Probably uncomfortable for DIL. Most women want some control over their family/home life and that is difficult to have when living with her husband's family. You son is in the best position to take the lead in making his family a home. Best for all if he gets some employment and moves into their own place. These days that may mean carppy part-time, two/three job, make do or do without type employment. Looks like that is the economy for awhile... as in decades. While building my house I had to live with my parents with my gf and kids. That was a very stressful time as gf was often angry and stressed over the close quarters. I have to wonder if the "cat allergy" is her polite way of saying "I want my own place".

: )
lyra

I can see from your post you've been busy! I think May has some really good points, as I never feel as comfortable in someone else's kitchen than I do in my own. I would also suspect that since they're not in their own home, they may be using this time as a personal vacation, especially if you're willing to ''take care of them''. One thing I realized about some of the people in my own family, is they expected me to take care of them when they were in my home. Since I seemed to do it so well, why should they? Unfortunately, what they didn't seemed to realize is how much work that is, and I am not their slave. (The italics are just for me...can you tell?) Their lifestyles are intensely different than mine. Since I have never had an invitation from them, nor have they ever taken care of me, I realized their expectations took the form of entitlement. There's nothing I hate more than that, so I stopped inviting them here. Interestingly, they don't care about seeing us, they just moved on to other people who would take care of them!

I'm not saying that is your situation exactly, but some people tend to get lazy about many things when they're not in their own home. Personally, I think it's CRAZY to have an allergy to cats, and not make other arrangements when your host family has cats! The burden of having to keep your home spotless because of your DIL's health issue isn't helping anyone. It makes it seem like your cats (who are part of your family) are your problem, and not hers. I've also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to keep my home clean for someone who has allergies to me dog while they're here. It's a no-win situation, and what I've decided is (for me), making other arrangements is kinder on everyone. (Although I know you would miss having your grandson right there.) Be that as it may, I hope you can work out some kind of harmonic situation while everyone is there.

Sally, check your e-mail about meeting in OKC with Lakeguy and me in late March. I hope you can manage it! By then, you may be ready for a break...

Okay, I am trying to imagine myself living with my MIL and in her house. Oy. I never felt comfortable there. For instance, my husband would go to my mom's house, open the fridge and see what was there. Help himself to a bottle of soda. I never would have done that at her house! I sat and waited to be offered.

She also had a dog I could not stand. It had the most comfortable chair in the family room while I sometimes had nowhere to sit!

So yes, I think May is correct when she recognizes how hard it is to be in someone else's space. I do have confidence that they will work it out because Sally is trying, and hopefully they all are.

Sally - Living with anyone, even family, can be difficult. I'm glad you're having the opportunity to enjoy your grandson and get to know him better. I'm sure you'll make some good memories.

I'd have an issue with the food situation, too. There are two problems with the "uncomfortable in someone else's kitchen" theory:

1) I can totally understand that as far as cooking in someone else's kitchen, but nuking some leftovers that have been offered to you? Come on.

2) Now let's just say even going in someone else's fridge is uncomfortable for your DIL. What about your son? No excuse that I can think of.

I'd take a proactive stance. "I want you to be comfortable. What kind of dishes can I prepare that the whole family will enjoy? I hate to see you choose popcorn over home cooking."

Lastly - and this might be too obvious of a question, but - are you sure that they didn't eat popcorn for dinner simply because they had a big or late lunch?

Good luck!

I think a whole lot depends on what your relationship is with DIL. If you two are chummy and always got along great, that's a whole different story than if you either hardly know each other or didn't hit it off that much.

Take this with a grain of salt, it's free and you get what you pay for. But this line stuck with me:

I immediately got out the left overs and heated some up for Chris
Be very careful of putting yourself in a situation which may appear to be critical of DIL's mothering skills, or for that matter, her wifely skills as well. You don't want her thinking of you as the MIL who is trying to tell her how to raise her son.

I'm not at all saying that is what you are trying to do, just that to a DIL it can appear that way.

Keep in mind that your DIL is not JUST dealing with living in your house. She is also dealing with a husband who has been away for long period(s) of time. This can be a difficult adjustment time as it is, and on top of that she is living in her MIL's house. Lots of adjustments for everyone involved and no easy answers.

I remember another discussion about your DIL over on Discussions...something about doesn't everybody like potato salad? Maybe, my memory is faulty?

You noted above,

"I finally got home around 8, and discovered they'd had popcorn for supper. That's okay for adults, but it's not much supper for a child. I immediately got out the left overs and heated some up for Chris, but his appetite had been ruined by the popcorn and he barely touched his supper. So, I know now that if I'm not home to feed this poor child, he's going to starve. I guess it's one of those things that they've been doing all his life, but now that it's in my face, I don't know how to handle it. I'll just feed him as best I can while they are here, and hope DIL learns something, but I doubt it."

Sally, I don't think you should assume Chris has popcorn most dinners of his life. I know your DDIL has different eating habits with likes & dislikes very different from your own; but that doesn't mean Chris is malnourished.

Maybe, try rotating schedules where she cooks one week & you the next? That way, you have more free time to spend playing with Chris & both families would have an opportunity to eat familiar meals. I know DDIL has tastes very different from yours but different doesn't always translate to bad or unhealthy.

I just don't want to see your relationship strained beyond repair over what's for dinner. I see that as a useless & unnecessary power struggle.

I'm glad though that you're having this opportunity to spend time with Chris. Enjoy the moments.

Try to remember, your DS loves this woman & she's the mother of your DGS. Please don't put your DS in the position of having to defend either one of you over popcorn for dinner. He has enough love for you both but; if pushed everybody will lose including Chris.

Maybe, now is also a good time to reach out to DDIL, get to know her along with Chris, & love her as much as you do your DS. (Not necessarily saying you don't...but I do detect a bit of "her versus us" in your words.) For instance, would you feel as strongly if it was DS that had the different food likes & dislikes? If not, maybe there's other feelings involved?

/tricia

One more question coming from a DIL whose MIL thinks her son is perfect: Where was your son when the popcorn was prepared for their dinner? Why didn't he heat the leftovers? We have several guys on the CF that cook (my DH is one who cooks). You mentioned that DS and DIL are looking for jobs. THis leads me to believe that your DS should have some time on his hands right now to set an example for his own son, and maybe even his wife, and show them how to prepare some nutritious meals. Maybe he could even cook for you. Why should his wife be the only one expected to do this right now?

Instead of getting upset with her, maybe you could use this time to cook with your son and help him learn some of your interests. Maybe your DIL will take note of how much fun the two of you are having doing some cooking and meal planning together. Then, they can take these skills with them after they move out, and began using cooking as some family time together. I think you might appear as much less of an interfering MIL if you try doing something fun with your son, than if you criticize your DIL.

You all are making such good points. As I wrote this morning, I noticed I was over due to leave for work, so I rushed to finish and didn't completely think through what all I said, or why I said it. Maybe that's a good psychological test! I do love my DIL, but yes, were are very, very different people. She is very sweet, and has taught Chris some good manners, which I'm impressed by, although, being a very active 2 1/2 year old, it's not always easy to remember his manners. I actually says please and thank you.

I agree y'all are right, that she's probably not completely comfortable in my kitchen, so I do need to help her get comfortable preparing stuff she likes to cook and eat. I've tried teaching DS to cook, with limited success. The other day we were going to have sandwiches, and I asked if he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, and he said he didn't know how to make one. He really hasn't had to cook much for himself, I guess, and they eat out a lot, I think.

DIL loves cats and hates that she's allergic. She's spent time at our house before, and had to take allergy medicine every time she was here. I just don't think she thought it would be so bad on her. I bought an air purifier for their room, and that has helped her at night. Finding another place for my cats is out of the question. I have 7 cats, and cats are very territorial. It would be even harder on them to place them somewhere else than having "strangers" living in their territory.

I don't think it'll be super long - probably at least a month, but not much longer. If at least one of them can get a job, it'll be easier to rent a place. I think they're eager to have their own home. Y'all are right, it's quite a transition for everyone - them and me, and I should have patience ... and help them find their way around the kitchen. lol. I do love having my precious grandson here. And, it's fun having my son and his wife, too, it's just a big transition. Thanks, everyone, for your input and allowing me to talk it out.

Sally

I am very allergic to cats. In a house with seven cats, I could not get through one night. Even if your DIL is less severely allergic, I think a long stay with seven cats will affect her health. She may develop chronic sinus trouble that will be very hard to get rid of, or even asthma. At the very least she will be increasingly miserable and her energy will be sapped.
She should not stay in your house for a month.

I am worried about that. I think she'll be spending a lot of time away from the house. Hopefully, she won't get too sick. Hopefully.

Sally